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Full Item Description
This diamond looks very much the same as any, and every other diamond that you see, with perfectly cut edges and an incredibly smooth unmarked surface, just another one of your ordinary diamonds…
History
The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of calcorns many mages, all of them constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items, most of which are only temporary items sold to adventures going further into the wastelands to brave the depths of the calcorn pitts, a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, more on the topic of the pitts will be appearing just as soon as karim returns…
Its original intent was to be turned into a light source, to be hung on a pendant so the wearer could see were they were going.
However, the spell she had prepared for its making wasn’t right, and when it didn’t begin to give off light she was about to hurl it into the fire in anger and frustration. It was at this point that she noticed that the item had become ever so slightly colder than it was before, so she decided to utter the words of the spell to see what would happen, there was instant silence for a moment and she began to feel warmer.
She took the stone home with her, not telling anyone a thing about it or its properties, now she decided that she was finally ready to journey to the calcorn pitts.
It was on her way there that she accidently stumbled upon a bandit camp, and naturally, they; seeing a mage began to feel threatened and attacked and killed her, in fear of their safety, though not before she took great many with her due to her skill.
After the fight when the loot was being shared, their leader noticed the diamond around the womens neck, and since then he claimed it for his own.
Many years have passed now, and the bandit chief is dead, the pendant hasn’t been seen in years, many believe it to be lost, although there are those who still search for it, hoing to find the glorious item.
Magic/Cursed Properties
The diamond, when activated protects the wearer from all the effects of the cold, and keeps the body warm in any place of cold.
February 24, 2008, 3:58
February 24, 2008, 4:00
Note: Throughout this sub i have spelt pits as "pitts" because it is the name given to the place.
February 24, 2008, 22:33
The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.
You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".
We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that.
February 25, 2008, 2:08
February 25, 2008, 11:25
After that takes care of the glaring errors. I also want you to read your submission OUT LOUD. Any place you stumble over the reading, is a place where you need to correct a word or wording.
February 25, 2008, 17:32
Also, the mage never told anyone about it and quietly kept it for herself. On her first adventure, she was killed and the stone was taken. How did anyone know about it to search for the glorious item? Is it just a case of "she had this and it was supposed to do X" and they don't know it doesn't function as designed? (Additionally, if the others she worked with mostly created disposable magical items for adventurers... why did anyone care about *this* stone?)
Holding off on voting for now...
February 25, 2008, 17:46
February 28, 2008, 19:44
February 28, 2008, 22:49
Spellcheck PLZ!
February 29, 2008, 7:55
March 19, 2008, 18:41
March 19, 2008, 19:33
I'm not the only one pointing out issues - see Moonhunters comments for details.
I've learned here that if people do not vote, it is generally for a reason and it is pointless to try and argue people to vote - they will just ignore you.
Listen to comments, fix problems that people point out, and the votes will come. Leave them as is and have poor results.
May 15, 2008, 7:34
August 5, 2008, 8:55
August 5, 2008, 11:43
Second, avoid run-on sentances. Your history is a single sentence instead of several.
The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of Calcorns many mages. These mages were constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items. These items were mostly temporary items, being sold to adventures that sought the Calcorn Pitts.
The Calcorn Pitts was a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, but that is another story...
I did make some other changes to make it run better to my eyes, but you can see above how the sentances are shorter and more focused. The recommendation by Moonhunter to read your sentance out loud is good at detecting run-on sentances. If you run out of breath partway through, you are likely looking at one.
Oh, and "I" by itself is ALWAYS capitalized - it is as wrong to say "i did that" as to say "z did that". Maybe in chat it is okay, but not in text you are expecting other people to comment on.
August 5, 2008, 16:23
Finally, the question why it is looked for now, can have a simple answer - somebody went through the wizard's notes and found a reference.
August 5, 2008, 18:53
August 6, 2008, 5:48
3.5/5
August 6, 2008, 5:56
I'll try to keep on top of everything.