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Magical

3.5
1 Votes

131xp


Hits: 2385
Comments: 19
Ideas: 0
Rating: 3.5
Condition: Normal
ID: 4852

Submitted:

Updated:
August 5, 2008, 6:54 pm

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Diamond of Calcorn

By:

"kara diamos ica" the wind stopped, and for a moment he was deaf to the world, and then his hearing returned.
as he looked around him and his bod began to warm agian after hours of finding a spot to shelter from the winter strom that was raging in the skies.

"IT WORKED!, im safe, now i only need to make my way to the academy"

Full Item Description
This diamond looks very much the same as any, and every other diamond that you see, with perfectly cut edges and an incredibly smooth unmarked surface, just another one of your ordinary diamonds…

History
The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of calcorns many mages, all of them constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items, most of which are only temporary items sold to adventures going further into the wastelands to brave the depths of the calcorn pitts, a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, more on the topic of the pitts will be appearing just as soon as karim returns…

Its original intent was to be turned into a light source, to be hung on a pendant so the wearer could see were they were going.

However, the spell she had prepared for its making wasn’t right, and when it didn’t begin to give off light she was about to hurl it into the fire in anger and frustration. It was at this point that she noticed that the item had become ever so slightly colder than it was before, so she decided to utter the words of the spell to see what would happen, there was instant silence for a moment and she began to feel warmer.

She took the stone home with her, not telling anyone a thing about it or its properties, now she decided that she was finally ready to journey to the calcorn pitts.

It was on her way there that she accidently stumbled upon a bandit camp, and naturally, they; seeing a mage began to feel threatened and attacked and killed her, in fear of their safety, though not before she took great many with her due to her skill.

After the fight when the loot was being shared, their leader noticed the diamond around the womens neck, and since then he claimed it for his own.

Many years have passed now, and the bandit chief is dead, the pendant hasn’t been seen in years, many believe it to be lost, although there are those who still search for it, hoing to find the glorious item.

Magic/Cursed Properties
The diamond, when activated protects the wearer from all the effects of the cold, and keeps the body warm in any place of cold.



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Comments ( 19 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

chilled
February 24, 2008, 3:58
0xp
Updated: Item was placed in the wrong category.
chilled
February 24, 2008, 4:00
0xp
There will be a seperate sub coming soon for those of you wanting to know more about Calcorn, and of course the Pitts of Calcorn.

Note: Throughout this sub i have spelt pits as "pitts" because it is the name given to the place.
MoonHunter
February 24, 2008, 22:33
0xp
Okay. Capitalization. The names of things, like the title (which I fixed for you), are capitalized. Is it Star Wars or star wars?

The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.

You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".

We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that.
chilled
February 25, 2008, 2:08
0xp
Okies then, its just that i was so consumed by the idea, that i forgot all about them, il edit it asap, thanks for the comment though.
MoonHunter
February 25, 2008, 11:25
0xp
If you have access to a word processor, MS Word or the like, that has a grammar checker for English, I would like you to run your submission through that. Simply cut and paste the submission into a new document. Run the spelling and grammar checks. Then cut and paste the corrected submission back into the Strolen's Submission.


After that takes care of the glaring errors. I also want you to read your submission OUT LOUD. Any place you stumble over the reading, is a place where you need to correct a word or wording.
Ria Hawk
February 25, 2008, 17:32
0xp
Ah, question. I get that the diamond functions as a heat source/cold protection doohickey. You said that it has to be activated, presumably by the spell the mage used. If she was killed and it was stolen by bandits, did it stay permanently active? If it didn't, how'd the bandits (or any others the stone passed to) learn how to activate it?

Also, the mage never told anyone about it and quietly kept it for herself. On her first adventure, she was killed and the stone was taken. How did anyone know about it to search for the glorious item? Is it just a case of "she had this and it was supposed to do X" and they don't know it doesn't function as designed? (Additionally, if the others she worked with mostly created disposable magical items for adventurers... why did anyone care about *this* stone?)

Holding off on voting for now...
chilled
February 25, 2008, 17:46
0xp
I'll work on what you've said it made me realise that i had restricted myself and others a little too much on this sub.
Murometz
February 28, 2008, 19:44
0xp
Not bad at all. I'll await the edit before voting.
Scrasamax
February 28, 2008, 22:49
0xp
Don't you people recognize a perfectly good Thermal Gonkulator? It is a must have if you have to wear Lace of Cold, which while highly fashionable (take +2 to charisma) is very uncomfortable (take -2 to stamina, Constitution, or Take it Like a Man attribute)

Spellcheck PLZ!
valadaar
February 29, 2008, 7:55
0xp
Can't add to what Moonhunter said. You will likely get some votes once the blatant problems are addressed.
chilled
March 19, 2008, 18:41
0xp
Excuse me, "blatent probs" ???
valadaar
March 19, 2008, 19:33
0xp
Yes, blatant problems. Capitalization is a standard of english writing. It is not optional - not using it makes you look like you do not care about the quality of your writing, especially as it has already been pointed out to you. This is true also with spelling.

I'm not the only one pointing out issues - see Moonhunters comments for details.

I've learned here that if people do not vote, it is generally for a reason and it is pointless to try and argue people to vote - they will just ignore you.

Listen to comments, fix problems that people point out, and the votes will come. Leave them as is and have poor results.
chilled
May 15, 2008, 7:34
0xp
Okay then, i guess i just got a little irate at the way you said what you said.
chilled
August 5, 2008, 8:55
0xp
Updated: I've finally had myself the time to get around to sorting things out, here you go, i can just hope it's bette than it was.
valadaar
August 5, 2008, 11:43
0xp
Okay 1st point. Spellcheck does not cover the summary. So cut it and paste it into the working area, spellcheck the text there and paste it back into the summary. The Summary is the last place you want to put spelling errors - you want to make a good impression!

Second, avoid run-on sentances. Your history is a single sentence instead of several.


The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of Calcorns many mages. These mages were constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items. These items were mostly temporary items, being sold to adventures that sought the Calcorn Pitts.

The Calcorn Pitts was a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, but that is another story...


I did make some other changes to make it run better to my eyes, but you can see above how the sentances are shorter and more focused. The recommendation by Moonhunter to read your sentance out loud is good at detecting run-on sentances. If you run out of breath partway through, you are likely looking at one.

Oh, and "I" by itself is ALWAYS capitalized - it is as wrong to say "i did that" as to say "z did that". Maybe in chat it is okay, but not in text you are expecting other people to comment on.
manfred
August 5, 2008, 16:23
0xp
Much advice on the form has been already given, so let's take a look at the idea now. The item was made through an accident, and there lies a bit more potential: what if it's one of the few permanent items? It will not have more power, but will much more attractive to wizards eager to research the effect. On the downside, it could need to be recharged by light (not heat, but light) or similar means.

Finally, the question why it is looked for now, can have a simple answer - somebody went through the wizard's notes and found a reference.
valadaar
August 5, 2008, 18:53
0xp
I'll take it out of challenge status...
Voted Kassy
August 6, 2008, 5:48
0xp
not a bad sub, i think this has a lot of potential in it.

3.5/5
chilled
August 6, 2008, 5:56
0xp
Thanks for the vote, and all the advice.

I'll try to keep on top of everything.

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