11 Votes


Hits: 11696
Comments: 17
Ideas: 13
Rating: 4.4091
Condition: Normal
ID: 2743


August 19, 2009, 2:34 pm

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Cheka Man

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Undead Cosmetics


Half-serious, half-silly, a scroll of cosmetic and related products for the undead amongst you. Use and abuse at your own risk.

After a strange chat with Svyel, who, alas, is blessed by Mathom more than I am, we have decided to found a company in a niche so far neglected by most businessmen.

Our vision is to be the company that best understands and satisfies the product, service and self-fulfillment needs of undead globally. Our dedication to supporting undead touches not only beauty but health, fitness and self-empowerment.

While most of our products are still in intensive development, you can already have a little peek at our product line of the future:

You should not wait until your flesh starts to fall out, our X-Dead with aloe does wonders!
(The formula is complete with insecticide against that %$ little beasties that try to eat you all the time! You should definitively try!)

For the finer noses amongst you, we are preparing a special Afterlife line that increase or decrease the odour!

- Get Subtle! Blend better into environment, and you can use the perfumes you liked when you were alive!

- Show It Off! If you like your smell, you might as well as make it more intensive!
(In some cases, it is your security that needs the bodily odours to put tears into visitors eyes. "No stupid grave-disturbers anymore… THIS will keep them away!")

9 out of 10 of our customers are deeply satisfied with our services. Contact our local salesman, or wait until the Undead-Lady visits your crypt.

Additional Ideas (13)

A necromancer of little magikal skill and a great deal of skill in chemistry/alchemy is obviously trying to make a little money on the side.

Perhaps it was commissioned by a female Liche who was vain about her beauty? She wanted to look good, forever. Lichedom would not become her, though she had the magikal abilities and ummmm.. moral flexability to be a Liche. She should of tried vampirism. (Death Becomes Her comes to mind). So the basics of these products would be created for her to stave off ugliness.

Additional products would be:

Solar Screen, protecting you from the unhealthy effects of the sun. Why go up in flames, when you can look good? Comes in a variety of flesh colors, including goblin.

"Vite be gone", keeps you from having that foul breath that comes from drinking blood. Comes in spearmint, peppermint, and bogworm.

Plaster to repair broken bones is a must of the Zombie who wants to live. Orthoglue will be the product for you.

Orthostrong: Several pills before you become unable to process them, makes your bones stronger and whiter than untreated bones. Why go into the unlife with dingy bones, when you can be gleeming white.

Flesh Wax: Want to pass in public? Want to be fleshed out for a time? Our filling wax is the answer. You can build up a somewhat realistic face with our synthetic wax flesh. Apply enough of it, and you can appear to have muscles and mass under your robes. Currently available at fine necromantic guildhalls, where many skilled cosemetologists are there to assist your application.

Glowing eye orbs. Everyone hates to be plain. Install these glowing glass balls in your sockets. Achieve that menacing look in a minimal time. Unlike comparable products, they will not block your vision.

2006-06-08 01:40 PM » Link: [2743#16282|text]
"Orthostrong: Several pills before you become unable to process them, makes your bones stronger and whiter than untreated bones. Why go into the unlife with dingy bones, when you can be gleeming white."

But what about the poor skeletons, that have no digestive apperatus to speak of? The solution is at hand: a skin lotion, I mean the skelet lotion Everlast would be much better. It is applied directly on the bones, of course, try the free sample now!

And soon the best-seller, "The Diamond-Shine", will make your bones even whiter and sparkling.

For those wishing to get more out of nightly encounters, The Diamond Shine Extra (with Phosphorus) makes a shocking entrance wherever little light is. Don't be a simple skeleton like everyone around! Surprise your fellows and adventurers alike! Order NOW!

2006-06-08 01:45 PM » Link: [2743#16284|text]
New Worm-B-Gone!

Are you a zombie, wight, lich, or other putrescent undead horror? Are you concerned with maggots and other crawlies in your rotting husk of flesh? Then you need Worm-B-Gone! This product utilizes unholy alchemical compounds to destroy all flesh-eating things on your corpse, while softening and moisturizing your papery, grave-worn epidermis.

2006-06-08 01:46 PM » Link: [2743#16285|text]
Are you a ghoul on the go and worry about keeping your dental hygene sharp? Then try new Smiling Dan's tooth file! Has both rough and fine faces to put the best flesh ripping points you can get on the market.

2006-06-08 01:48 PM » Link: [2743#16286|text]
Lost a limb? Can't grow it back? We have a wide selection of limbs you can purchase at a steal. Last arm a rotting mesh of flesh on a less then impressive bone. We have muscled arms with 2 week warranty. Guaranteed that the flesh won't start falling apart until you do.

Bulk packages available.

2006-06-08 01:49 PM » Link: [2743#16287|text]
{SCENE is underground battle site, post fight. A number of chainmail-clad bodies are scattered, along with various inanimate skeletons & weapons. Animate Skeleton is in foreground, looking at held pieces of bone. Bones are missing from AS}

Voice Over: "Oh no, lost more bones to another adventuring party?" {AS looks up at camera & nods.}

VO: "But how will you ever figure out which bone goes where?" {AS nods vigorously.}

{CUT TO product shot. Camera pans over instruction booklet, quick-find guide, adhesive patches, solvent, and both versions of the video (VHS & DVD). Music starts.}

VO: "With Necro-Fit you can! NASA science and ancient necromatic secrets of the East combine to give you the secret known to European Undead. Our helpful instruction booklet and video will help you match the right bone to the right area."

{CUT TO AS using product.}

VO: "Just check the quick-find guide, apply an adhesive patch, and press. Instantly your bones fit right where they should." {AS looks up at camera & gives 'thumbs up' with newly replaced thumb.}

VO: "It's so powerful, we even trademarked the name!" {ZOOM logo towards screen. Foley apply 'zoom' sound.}

{CUT TO AS frustrated with bones stuck in wrong position, holding others, and glue covering everything.}

VO: "Other similar products leave a sticky, gluey mess. Call now and receive our patented Bone-Off solvent, to fix all of those ugly patch jobs."

{CUT TO POS page}

VO: "For only 6 easy payments of just $19.95, you get the video, instruction manual, Necro-Fit adhesive pads, handy quick-find guide, and the Bone-Off solvent. Order now!"

Disclaimer-VO: "Be sure to specify VHS or DVD. Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. You must be undead to use this product."

2006-06-08 01:52 PM » Link: [2743#16288|text]
Tired of waterlogged or rotting flesh? Try Osteo-Seal, from the makers of Necro-Fit. This revolutionary sealant prevents water from entering into bone or dessicated flesh. It locks away the necrotic freshness, and gives you that unhealthy sheen.

2006-06-08 01:55 PM » Link: [2743#16289|text]
Are you a plain skeleton, but want to be the center of attention? Try our "Learn to play the Xylophone in 10 easy lessons" Guide. Unlife will sound just different! Just 4,95$!

2006-06-08 01:59 PM » Link: [2743#16291|text]
Frustrated over your appalling lack of decay? Died in a way that causes unwanted preservation? Sick of being uninvited to the dead man's party because you look too "fresh?"

With Necro-Fit's newest Tarnished Sensations line of Undead cosmetics, you too can be the life of the cemetary. New colours, such as Pallid and Gangrene, can compliment any funerary wardrobe.

Our Putre-scents perfume gives your corpse that odour of decay sure to be a hit with the guys & ghouls.

2006-06-08 02:04 PM » Link: [2743#16292|text]
Leading centuries long philosophical contemplations or reading through your library can prove troublesome if grave-robbers and would-be heroes breach your sanctum.
Golemdogs are the answer ... they don't have to go for a walk (shamble), are clean and require little maintenance...

coming in several variations:
*Anubis: this dynamic model can see troublesome spirits as well as mages in astral form and give them a naughty bite. Comes in stylish black, eithersteel or onyx.
*Cerberus: swift battle model, with a built-in Project Flame ability. A must-have for those who like to lighten up the mood.
*Fenris: a huge battle model, impervious to damage, pleas and bad puns. Can project a field of darkness ("devour the sun") for the light-sensitive amongst you.

2006-06-08 02:09 PM » Link: [2743#16293|text]
Rats stealing your latest research specimens? Are rodents eating you out of rank and file? It has be proven that the common rat is the most persistent and constant enemy of the Necrotically Gifted. These constant scavengers are not above devouring zombies, laboratory samples, and all of those spell re-agents that stock our labs, but there is hope.

No more fumbling with arsenic poisons that seldome work, no more trying to set elabore pit and crushing wall traps for the rodents. No more Power Word: Kill spells wasted on a huddle of rodents!

How you wonder? Its magic, of course. If you decide to purchase a Mummified Cat from Mummified Cat Shippers and Guild, you will recieve for six easy payments of 50 GP, a specially bred hunting mouser cat that has specially preserved and mummified. Then, it is animated with great care and attention to details.

The Mummified Cat needs no supervision, and no care. Once released into your lair or sanctum ti goes to work hunting down those pesky rodents for their delicious brains and blood. Watch as your very own, unique cat mummy slices and dices, and even warns you of impending Adventurer parties!

A Paid advertisemenmt brought to you by The Mummified Cat Shippers and Guild of East Menozzoberan.

2006-06-09 08:16 AM » Link: [2743#16314|text]
Bone Daddy's Color Enhancers
Are you tired of the same old look? Have you been sporting the same "fresh from the tomb" style that you had when you were first reanimated? That may work for the other guys, but not for a veteran undead that's been around the ossuary a few times! You need Bone Daddy's Skeletal Color Enhancement!

These brightly-colored dyes and pigments bond solidly to the bone, giving long-lasting color! When others are shambling around in a clichéd off-white, you can be prismatic yellow, rich gold, bloody crimson, glaring green, or regal purple. Be the unlife of the party! Clerics that once reached for their Holy Symbols will cower in awe of your impressive fashion sense!

If you order now, you get a free sampling of Bone Daddy's "Polish Up Death Scarabs"! Free yourself of unsightly dangling flesh! Say goodbye to the old-fashioned scavengers that have caused others so much trouble: Our scarabs are guaranteed to strip flesh from bone faster than a flock of vultures and don't steal parts the way jackals are prone to!

2007-10-17 12:23 PM » Link: [2743#31439|text]
Makrelon's Truly Lifelike (tm) Flesh Suits

Working out of the plague ridden region of Proleth, Makrelon has begun the ultimate in Undead Fashions - Human Suits.

Created from freshly dead humans, these fashionable pieces are created from carefully skin. Once treated with our secret series of necromantic cantrips, they are sent to our fashion factory. Their they are made even more beautiful (wrinkles are ironed out, flesh tones are evened, blemishes are removed, various body elements are shaped (added to or deleted from as needed). Once they cure, they are shipped to you.

Once donned, they fill out their apperance (extra realistic appearance can be assured with a few gallons of our Body Goo (tm). Some application of our "Real Eyes"(tm) and some moisturizer (such as Elf Tears and Utter Cream), and only magic can tell that you are undead. Even the seams can be covered with "Real Skinz" makeup.

They are perfect for skeletons, but others undeads can use them as well for the Truly Lifelike (tm) appearance.

2009-03-12 01:19 PM » Link: [2743#70518|text]
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Comments ( 17 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Mourngrymn
June 8, 2006, 14:11
The more I read the harder I began to laugh. Brilliant!
Voted Scrasamax
June 8, 2006, 14:14
A jewel this one is. I can't wait to see what else is spawned by this!
June 8, 2006, 14:36
An old treasure from the Flesh It Out section unearthed. Enjoy it as I did! :)
June 8, 2006, 14:40
Flesh It Out... get it... muhahahaha.
Voted Murometz
June 8, 2006, 18:45
This was a true pleasure to read! Kudos to everyone involved!
Voted Chaosmark
June 8, 2006, 20:28
Yes indeed, this was well worth the read. *is still snickering*
Voted Cheka Man
June 9, 2006, 8:45
Funny and enjoyable.
Voted MoonHunter
June 11, 2006, 12:17
This is still the funny. It just kills me everytime I read this.
Voted Wulfhere
September 19, 2006, 17:40
You people need to get out more often. I snorted my coffee!
Voted valadaar
September 20, 2006, 11:49
Voted Pariah
September 20, 2006, 23:34
"NASA science and ancient necromatic secrets of the East..." I didn't know that NASA existed alongside swarms of skeletons.
October 17, 2007, 3:38
Well, there must be settings that accommodate both. ;)
October 17, 2007, 13:31

An alternate world in which magic and technology both work...
all too well.
On July 16, 1945, the first atomic bomb was detonated at Trinity Site in New Mexico. The explosion ripped a hole in the fabric of space. Doctor Oppenheimer's words "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" unwittingly closed a necromantic ritual. The fireball vanished, but the mushroom cloud remained. This was the Hellstorm, a tornado of seething magical energy.

A pattern of enchanted fallout drifted across the southern United States and Mexico. The effects would not be felt immediately, but over the next generation, they would transform the world . . .

Magic had come to the modern 20th century. But like the power of the atom on our own Earth, it would prove a Pandora's Box.
January 11, 2008, 0:14
A BUMP and an HoH!
Voted punkcasher
March 11, 2009, 2:11
I liken this to a great meal , as well as delicious dessert. I hope you don't mind if I hyper link this as posible "pages" in my Libram. Thanks !
March 11, 2009, 16:04
Sure, you can link to it, blog about it, you can even become a business partner. Order NOW!
Voted axlerowes
March 20, 2009, 23:35
It is ashame the punkcasher had to leave. he had a real touch for cultivating a vibrant and lively picture of the undead.


Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds


       By: Serpentine Cougar

These humanoids have flesh that resembles a peeled orange or other citrus fruit: semi-translucent with prominent veins. Brightly colored, some Rutaceaens are orange, some are yellow, and some green. They prefer warm climates with lots of rainfall.

Ideas  ( Lifeforms ) | March 17, 2014 | View | UpVote 6xp

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