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NPCs
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Mystical
1.04
14 Votes

-22xp


Hits: 13760
Comments: 41
Ideas: 0
Rating: 1.0357
Condition: Normal
ID: 1123

Submitted:

Updated:
October 25, 2007, 3:16 am

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Silveressa

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Arrkrash

By:

A great demon of death and destruction.

Special Equipment:

His demon axe is Zhorrsj, it has demon runes on it.
He also wiels a magickal sword that can fire fireballs.

Appearance:

Arrkrash is a big Demon from another dimension.
Hes wery dangourous. He has big red horns and a blue body.
His eyes are like red blood rubys.
he is wery tall and have big tusks.

Background:

He was summoned long ago by a wizard of tge Opus Dei organization. The wizard couldnt controll him so he killed him. Since then he has been haunting the earth looking for other wizards to kill.

Roleplaying Notes:

He is wery angry all the time and he hates all wizards since they allwant to enslave other demons.
He has the firewLL spell.
The greath black death spell.
The enourmpus awake the greatest demon spell.

The gm should be carull to use this npc in adventures since he is wery mighty.
He is suited to be the boss in the end of an campaign or something.



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Comments ( 41 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

CaptainPenguin
June 4, 2005, 20:14
0xp
This must be some kind of joke.

0/5.
Solagan
June 4, 2005, 22:01
0xp
Well at least this is more than 2 sentences. But, there is nothing original in here at all...

0/5, needs massive editing
Scrasamax
June 4, 2005, 23:13
0xp
1 point for being more than twenty words long.
1 point for not being blatantly plagiarized.

-1 point for gratuitous and eXCessive spelling and caPiTaLization errors.
-1 point for being a vague and uninteresting demon.
-1 point for Opus Dei (Work of God) employing demon summoning wizards. Shame, for shame!

All in all, a -1 post.
EchoMirage
June 5, 2005, 4:52
1xp
We should make a "Baby Strolen's" for people who write on the level of first elementary school grade. There, they could post away all those Glass Heims and Arrkrashes and Phantoms.
Voted MoonHunter
June 5, 2005, 9:05
0xp
I am voting a 1 because I think this one is serious, and it is just that bad.

Agony, could you please stop and read a few of our posts, trying to read 4 and 5 star posts. That will give you an idea on what we are looking for.

First, Opus Dei organization has no thaumaturgical element, so no spell casting there. Opus Dei would openly oppose the bringing of demons, so not a real good source of summoning.

Next: Arrkrash is a big Demon from another dimension.
Aren't they all from another dimension?

Next: His demon axe is Zhorrsj, it has demon runes on it.
Which do? It is just an Axe from Hell? Does it tap dance or play the accordian?

Next: The wizard couldnt controll him so he killed him. Since then he has been haunting the earth looking for other wizards to kill.
As a history goes, it is like saying The Entire Star War Series (all six) was. A desert kid grows up with great power, is corrupted by it, and eventually, with the help of his son, gets better. Do you see how much that is missing? Explain more please.

Next: He is suited to be the boss in the end of an campaign or something.
Why? The way you described him, he is really nothing more than a speed bump in the way of a couple adventurers. If he is THAT DANGEROUS, you need to tell us WHY!!!!

End Rant
Voted Ancient Gamer
June 5, 2005, 9:15
0xp
I know how to become rich through roleplaying! I'm going to write the game "Drows and Demons" featuring assassin monks, the orphanage adventuring school and big demons from other dimensions.

Wraaararlll!
MoonHunter
June 5, 2005, 9:46
0xp
You know... you could write it up as a joke... but do it in a serious manner... then watch it become hugely successful. It would be just like Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtles was in the 80s, a parody that became hugely successful.

The abv. would be Dr&De :)
EchoMirage
June 5, 2005, 15:25
0xp
So, when do we start, gentlemen? I've wanted to write up Count Drizzt Neorine van der Kataanen anyway... this'd just give me a reason.
Just don't forget to include vampires and unicorns.
Agony
June 5, 2005, 17:54
0xp
I did not do my best. But there is no need to make fun of me.
I don't think that is a good way of helping.
Besides I may not be as old as you guys. And therefore not so good at grammar and stuff. It's hard to make a good character.
And you are not exactly making it any esier.
I will try to make the NPC better.
Ancient Gamer
June 5, 2005, 19:38
0xp
We are not making fun of you, we are making fun in your thread. You are just one among very, very, very, very many posters who posted just about this character. Had you been alone in this, we would have been far more precise, have no fear. But for now, check out these:
... I was going to link to a zillion four line demon characters, but they have all been erased.

HEY! People! We cannot joke like this if there are no previous screw ups for people to learn from! It is completely unfair!

Anyhow:
Everyone does demons, drow and assassins you know (Though the drow has been absent lately... Too long since the last videogame featuring "Evil Drow(tm)" I guess). We have had a zillion big, bad demons posted in here. We are not trying to be bastards, we are just tired of 1337 demons :)
Maggot
June 6, 2005, 2:52
0xp
Hmm,Echo just gave me an idea. I think I'll do a parody on Spike from Buffy soon and post it here.
Cardillotang
July 16, 2005, 3:37
0xp
Come on guys.

At least his character is patriotic. With the blue body, red horns and eyes and all....

Hmmmm the "Patriotic Demon".Eh sounds like an oxymoron to me.
MoonHunter
July 16, 2005, 10:19
0xp
Hmmm. Could explain the current Republican Administration and Congress.

More seriously, A patriotic demon could push people from mere patriotism to nationalism. Nationalism, when taken far enough, leads to oppression (of minorities and foreigners), warfare, and less enlightened forms of government internally (oppression of citizens for the good of the country, fascism/ cronyism/ corrupt governments under the nationalist flags, etc).

NOTE: The reason this thread has not been deleted is we don't have any current bad examples left. So until we have a new replacement, this one stay.
EchoMirage
July 16, 2005, 14:10
0xp
It would be an ... interesting ... nation, where leaders are aided by 'angels' on their way to 'patriotism' - actually, demons who seem to do the biddingof the rulers and the people as a wholepush them towards intolerance, aggression, oppression, encourage them to report the errors of their neighbors, and the like, paving their way to damnation and causing untold suffering in the process.
CaptainPenguin
July 17, 2005, 18:59
0xp
MY GOD, NO!
A HORROR HAS BEEN RESURRECTED FROM THAT VAST HELL OF ABOMINATIONS, THE PIT OF BAD CHARACTERS!

SEND IT BACK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SEND IT BACK!
Cheka Man
July 17, 2005, 19:28
0xp
*casts Sending Back spell*

I like Echo's idea.
MoonHunter
July 18, 2005, 16:50
0xp
CP: The more you post of it, the longer it stays. You people keep posting and bagging on bad posts and they stay around forever. If you hate it, vote a 1 and LEAVE IT ALONE!
EchoMirage
July 19, 2005, 13:29
0xp
But it is fun!
Scrasamax
July 19, 2005, 22:39
0xp
maybe if there was a pit of bad characters there might not be so many low quality posts like this. We ascribe to the Gold Standard, and refer people to look at the better ranked posts. Maybe it might be easier to point some submitters to the pit and show them what the bad posts look like.

This is a bad post but look how many responces it has generated.
MoonHunter
July 20, 2005, 8:49
0xp
Other than the red/white/blue - patriotic demon idea... most of these ideas are just taunting.

Because you all post up crap on these posts... they come up under the most popular searches (between posts and views). So when people come to the site, looking for new things, click on most popular... they get THIS! (or things just like it).

And this is such a great first impression.
Cheka Man
July 20, 2005, 12:01
1xp
Bad posts get loads of responses because people like to flame.We need a Pit of Roleplaying Hell to dump the bad stuff in.
Voted Drackler
April 4, 2006, 17:01
0xp
Good idea, Bad spelling and grammar.

I am prejudiced, because I really like almost all demons/devils. Would you please put in more details?
Scrasamax
April 4, 2006, 17:24
0xp
I think if you want more details on Arrkash, you will have to make them up yourself, I think it has been more than a little while since Agony was here.
Murometz
April 5, 2006, 0:29
0xp
Drackler, YOU'RE asking for more details?? thats beatiful man beautiful! :D
Voted Pariah
April 6, 2006, 15:02
0xp
I was almost tempted to give it a +.5 just cause he used wery instead of very ever single time. But no.
Dozus
July 13, 2006, 15:52
0xp
Best Magic Name of the Year:
"The enourmpus awake the greatest demon spell"

That is solid gold.
Ancient Gamer
July 15, 2006, 7:43
-1xp
I got an enourmpus right here!
Murometz
July 15, 2006, 11:00
0xp
dont make me fire my fireball
Cheka Man
July 15, 2006, 18:50
0xp
Strange that the most crappy things get the most comments.I suppose that's because it's easier to be nasty online then to be nice.
Voted Wulfhere
October 17, 2006, 15:00
2xp
Dear Agony,

I see that you have visited the site since those other responses were posted, so it is possible that you may see this comment.

I started gaming in 1977, when I was 10 years old. I was fortunate that when I was young, I was able to write articulately and the standards of what was considered a good gaming scenario were much lower than they are today. I remember many a gaming scenario that featured two-dimensional demons described in two sentences, quests that started out “The Princess has been kidnapped!” and crawls through the most unlikely dungeons imaginable. I wrote adventures that were such utter rubbish that I don’t understand why I couldn’t see that at the time.

They weren’t mocked, because we didn’t know better then. People are much more jaded these days and are very critical of these old clichés.

Everyone starts somewhere. Don’t let the discouraging response and mockery that this submission has received stop you from learning and writing more. Much of the criticism that this demon has received was because it draws upon some of the most common themes and ideas found in fantasy writing today.
dark_dragon
September 21, 2007, 12:01
0xp
Thankyou, I think that was the appropriate response.

I didn't see this post before, but to everybody involved, that was harsh beyond measure. Agony's reply was a sign that he wanted to learn and improve. And indeed, his next post was a whole order of magnitude better. I understand the need for high standard, but some of the post were uncalled for. A few year ago, that could have easily been me. Or as wulfhere mentions, any one of us. And to be honest, If I'd read the comments or been replied to like this, I wouldn't have joined. Because of that, my next posts after the raid on Tantalus IV are going to be a drow post, a demon post, Count Drizzt Neorine van der Kataanen( a vampire), and a unicorn. In honor of the oft mocked classics which still draw people to RP.
Ancient Gamer
September 21, 2007, 17:24
0xp
You have said it now.
Voted valadaar
December 14, 2006, 12:46
0xp
I can forgive cliche - I tend in that direction from time to time, but the lack of attention paid to spelling and grammar (Again, I am no saint on that front) is somewhat less forgivable.
Scrasamax
June 10, 2007, 0:41
0xp
Update

This submission has been in the citadel for 2 years at the time of this update. Since it's inception it has served a purpose and is very well known among Citadel membership. With apologies to Agony, this submission stands as the low water mark. It has every example of being a bad submission, which have already been beaten to death in the commentary above.

This submission has been challenged a number of times (by the same member, I might add) and each time it has emerged again as the prime example of a bad submission. For lack of better language this submission will remain in the Citadel until Agony or Strolen himself decide to remove it and not a moment less.

With Agony returned to the site I hope to see him return to this submission and possibly make some of the changes that were suggested above, but I am fine with it the way it is now. Arrkrash can now be considered 'under my protection'
Ancient Gamer
September 21, 2007, 13:35
0xp
I am cruel. I admit it. I sometimes joke so much that people begin to cry. I have received hate mail from the wives of my players. I will not apologize.

But I hope Agony returns and shows us how it should be done. I would applaud that.
Wulfhere
September 21, 2007, 13:55
0xp
Agony has returned periodically. His writing shows a great deal of creativity, demonstrating abilities that would never have been guessed from this first try. Some are still quite flawed, but Agony shows a willingness to learn and a refusal to be discouraged that I admire.
Scrasamax
September 21, 2007, 22:32
0xp
What Wulf said. Agony has spirit.
Voted Ramhir
December 5, 2010, 22:28
0xp

Wow! You know, guys, if you had been half as harsh on my first sub, I'd never have been back.

I agree that it was abysmally bad, but a lot of the comments were taunting or mockeries, rather than any kind of effort to encourage or mentor him. We all have to start somewhere, and I don't know of any writer who, when talking about his first efforts, doesn't say something to the effect of 'reading it now made me squirm with embarrassment'. At least he is putting something of himself on the line, which most people wouldn't dream of doing; he deserves something more than a put-down for that.

I firmly agree with Wulfhere and dark_dragon and the later posters. Agony - keep at it. Your later subs were significantly better, keep writing and improving.

EchoMirage
December 7, 2010, 4:37
0xp
As said, there was a sequence of horrid posts back then, and we all went through the "newbie appears, posts horrid stuff, gets insulted, leaves" maybe a dozen or so times? Two dozen? Within two months?

So, when Agony came along, doing exactly that, we were kinda drained of nice and constructive, and could just poke fun.

Also: Count Drizzt Neorine van der Kataanen remains still unwritten!
Voted Silveressa
January 27, 2011, 23:16
0xp

I stumbled across this quite by accident while browsing the Npc section. While a useful bad example there is a certain amusement and poetry factor to the sub that is rather... Memorable

After a pause I thought of an actual application for the sub, as written, for my next fantasy game session. Seriously

Imagine the characters coming across an utterly devastated town, ruins and the remnants of bodies laying scattered about like an angry child might toss their toy soldiers in a fit of rage.

Shorty after searching the town for survivors they find a very young girl, maybe 3 or 4 standing amidst the wreckage still clutching her mothers severed hand and staring at the adventurers in shock.

When asked what happened she recounts the sub pretty much as written. How this little one knows even a fraction of the history of the demon is the twenty thousand dollar question.  (perhaps overheard by her demon worshipping parents? Or on the lips of a drunken bard who knew not what horrors he was about to call forth?)

Dealing with the creature as it continues its rampage of destruction would be the rest of the plot line. (As well having fun messing with the suspicious players who will likely entertain the notion the little girl is either the demon in disguise, or possessed by it somehow.)

A 1.5 and HOH, not because it's of outstanding quality, (obviously) but as a reminder to myself and others then even the worst example can be used to great effect by a creative GM with a little effort  to create an interesting session that would never have otherwise occurred to them.

 

Voted Kassy
June 23, 2014, 8:51
0xp
Ouch. Well, 1.0/5 from me. I need not state the obvious here. The commentary is harsh, yet funny in places. Like Ramhir, had you guys been critical to such a degree, I doubt I would have stayed. Though I understand why after reading through the comments.

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