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ID: 4052


July 1, 2007, 1:08 am

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Cheka Man

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A Cookbook of Gods!


These are the Gods of Food and Eating! Beware their culinary prowess and tremble before the might of their cookery! These are… More Placeholder Gods!

Hello, fellow Strolenites and fans of pie, donuts, and other foods! These are the original Placeholder Gods, the ones found in the kitchen of most any divine realm. With the loss of true Gods they have risen up and now spread their wisdom throughout the land! Thanks to Ria Hawk, Maggot, and Siren no Orakio. This was born in a chat with them. So listen to the preachings of Tw’inki and Big Mac! and many others only you can enlighten us enough to see!

Additional Ideas (11)

"Big Mac"

The Godman of Grease, Lord of the Fries! Hear his wisdom! Big Mac is a god of quick meals and teenage stomachs. Everyone loves his greasy, quick, easy meals. Especially the younglings, who he always has some sort of toy to give. He dwells on the corner of Godstreet, in his eatery. All gods come from far and wide for a quick meal. His priests work at small diners called Little Macs and serve unhealthy yet cheap and filling foods of all sorts. Most enjoy his Burgers, Fries and Thick Chocolate Shakes... but do not ask for a salad or he may smite you.

2007-07-01 01:16 AM » Link: [4052#28373|text]
Tw'inki, Lord of Cream-Filled Snacky Cakes

Tw'inki is a fairly minor god, calling only a few bakers and small children his clerics. He is the god of sweet things, not just the snack cakes of his title. He is a hyperactive little person, a trait shared by most of his followers. Usually, he annoys the hell out of his fellow gods with his sugar-fueled antics. He does not demand sacrifices, although he does not turn them down- his followers will occasionally burn "healthy" food, particularly apples, uneaten. Any rites honoring him involve distributing candy, cookies, and cakes to people, especially children. This makes him quite a popular god at festival time. It's a bit hard to do (he's a happy-go-lucky fellow), but those who anger him are cursed with cavities, and in extreme cases, diabetes.

mrthstrt, Unspeakable Scion of Froofy Dinner Parties

This is not a popular goddess, save among a few of the more disturbed social elite and housewives with pretentions of being social elite. Originally a minor goddess of entertaining, mrthstrt slowly morphed into a more menacing figure, followed only by those far too vain for their own good and those obsessed with throwing the perfect dinner party. The goddess became more and more demanding, requiring utter perfection, the persuit of which often drove her followers into insanity. Despite her negative influence on those who come to her notice, she looks harmless. She is always impeccably dressed and and spotless, and is portrayed with a rather fixed and plastic smile. Her cult rituals take the form of large, elaborate dinners that take hours to prepare and require many exotic and very, very expensive ingredients. Eating food prepared in honor of mrthstrt can also spread her maddening influence.

2007-07-01 01:38 AM » Link: [4052#28374|text]
"Em'ril, God of Spice"

Em'ril is a very popular deity, he shows other gods how to cook with a little spice. He is known for his annoying catch-phrase "Ka-Bang!" and uses it as often as possible. Occasionally muttering it to himself when no one is around. He loves to add spicyness to anything and everything. Soups, Salads, Subs, anything. With magical spice-summoning words his priests do the same. Bringing out the "True Nature" of natural foods.

"Ka-Bang! Your food is now good!"

2007-07-01 09:26 PM » Link: [4052#28399|text]
The Turnip Man
Everyone hates turnips, don't they? Looking like a vagrant lost to the dusty roads, the Turnip Man has a large white and purple turnip for a head and is generally quite sad. People once used his turnips to make their goblin and jack-o-lanterns but now that has been stolen from him by the Great Pumpkin. Now people use turnips as animal fodder, and as food only eaten in the most bitter of times, and the harshest winters. The Turnip Man asks for nothing, only to be remembered with something other than distaste and disgust.

The Nameless God of the Bulb
The Nameless gad can be smelled long before he is seen, for he is the walking root of the bulbous plants, the onions and the garlics. His scent makes people weep tears, but despite his unpleasant aroma, he is a strong and beneficial god. A perenial enemy of vampires and other undead, he and his holy symbols can be used as amulets against chronic illness, necromancy, and pains of the guts.

T'puul, The God of Salt
Appearing as a great grinding tower of white salt crystals T'puul is also known as the Prince of pickles, the sultan of salt, and a baron of brine. Invoked by those who salt food for preservation, he makes sure that meat keeps as long as possible before spoiling. It is said that variety of the spice of life, T'puul would like to find the person who coined the phase and leave them a salt dessicated husk for their impertinence, as salt is the spice of life. While not technically an evil deity, T'puul prefers his offerings to be made of living things packed into barrels of salt where their corpses are quickly mummified. T'puul will further bless the salt used in such sacrificial barrels to be especially rich in flavor. Ogres are fond of T'puul and make excellent priests.

G'oh, The Merry Butcher
Appearing as a pig of grotesque size and obesity, G'oh is a jovial godling with a huge morbid streak. He accepts offerings of any organic waste, has regular conversations with the godling of spiders, and enjoys singing in a loud falsetto voice. The mobidity comes from the fact that G'oh will take up his divine cleaver and chop hunks of flesh from his own body, granting to the world the three great gifts of ham, pork, and bacon. A patron not of pigs, but of pig's meat, G'oh will bless any pig brought to his temple and the meat from said animal will last long before spoiling, and will deliver bacon of the absolute best quality.

2007-07-02 08:53 AM » Link: [4052#28430|text]
Quillipump, The Lord Of Tastes

Seemingly closer to a fairy or spirit than a god, this temperamental creature appears to be everywhere and nowhere, while governing the tastes of the people. You will feel his (or her?) fleeting presence when you suddenly get an appetite on something; the most blessed of people will find their tastes often and radically changing, and will love to try new cuisines, and new combinations thought before impossible. There but also those without his attention, preferring to eat the same things for their whole lives... sad, but true.

His priests can not only evoke taste in others, they can also change the taste of existing food, and are welcome on many feasts just for this effect. Many work as cooks when not performing in this role.

2007-07-03 03:45 PM » Link: [4052#28494|text]

This is a sick twisted Godling, Lekk-Tur teaches his priests how to gain nourishment and the best flavors from the meats and flesh of intelligent humanoids, and to empower their own internal organs by eating those of others. Among his most famous worshippers were a man named Sweeney and his wife who used Lekk-Tur's blessings to secretly make meatpies out of human meat and got away with it for many years. His worshippers range from grotesque flesh-eating monsters to seemingly normal people with everyday jobs as well as some of the more unsavory tribal humanoids. His priests often learn to properly roast and serve their meats with fanciful side dishes. Lekk-Tur rewards good taste and manners, but also tolerates the savages.

The Meat of an intelligent creature properly prepared by a cleric or priest of Lekk-Tur can actually heal the mortal body to a certain degree. It has been known to close wounds and remove potential deadly toxins.

2008-02-23 12:42 AM » Link: [4052#63891|text]
I cringe at the name. The concept is interesting, even in the silly thread.

2008-02-23 01:15 PM » Link: [4052#63893|text]
The Muffin Man
"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?
Do you know the muffin man who lives in Drury Lane?"

The Muffin Man created the common breakfast item known as the English Muffin. In his early years as mortal, before his culinary ascension, he would go door-to-door delivering these fresh baked goods with butters and jams. Now that is the job of his priests and their Iron Chef Golems. The Muffin Man's only purpose is to keep the English Muffin at the breakfast table. Why must this snack endure? It has for so long... what could he be plotting?

You may think The Muffin Man's agenda is lacking something, but he has a secret. Way back when The Muffin Man was a mortal with a real name (now known only by a select few) he created the Iron Chef Golem in his house on Drury Lane. It spewed too many English Muffins for the Muffin Man to handle and eventually he had to destroy it. Since then, the design has been perfected by his priests (his very few priests). Some say the Gnomes had a hand in this devilish device. You decide...

Iron Chef Golem (Thanks to Kuseru Satsujin)
The more simple versions of these dread muffin factories look like typical chefs, with the big poofy baker's hat and giant cleaver or frying pans. But, sometimes, the design is a little... off. They have been seen ravaging the countryside pelting travelers with english muffins. They look like giant ovens with spalutas and whisks protruding at odd angles, like the flippers of some ancient aquatic beast. They also contain just about every utensil you could possibly need: forks, spoons, prongs, tongs, whisks, ladles, knives, cleavers, mashers, graters. You need it? You have it, if you can defeat it. Muahaha.

2008-03-08 02:21 AM » Link: [4052#64126|text]
I'm imagining the players encountering one of these as it restocks itself with the ingredients needed to make the muffins. "You enter the room where the strange sounds are coming from. The lamps are out, but from the light in the door, you see a shadowy shape in the corner, hunched over and shoveling flour into it's mouth. Empty sacks, torn open, are strewn everywhere. What do you do?"

2009-02-12 03:53 PM » Link: [4052#70076|text]
Salsos God of salsas and chili

While in many circles this god of flavorful party enhancers is a welcome presence, others that have sampled his hellfire hot salsa, find him quite literally a pain in their rear.. The wide nearly endless variety of foods that have been produced with the most staple of his holy ingredients speaks volumes of his universal nature, almost every community having a "chili cook off" within his domains of influence, and many casual followers also throwing "salsa parties" in reverence to his wide spread bounty.

Alas there are some among his followers, that dare speak the blasphemy of their tolerance for his offerings, and consume dishes that are hot as molten lava, and rewarded for their efforts by a painful smiting in their backsides the following day. (Often accompanied by the grunting and rapid stuttering laughter of Salsos himself.)

2008-05-18 02:55 AM » Link: [4052#65489|text]
Hail! Hail the multi-flavored nectar of life! Hail the diced and mashed combinations of fresh produce! Bow before the greatest deity of them all!

2012-04-15 12:40 PM » Link: [4052#81111|text]
Corylus, the Nut Sack Man
Corylus is a minor god, appearing as a bean dry old man wearing all sorts of necklaces and bracelets made of nut shells twined together. He has a long beard and a jovial twinkle to his eye. Corylus always has a walking stick, adorned with small leaves and clacking nut shells, and a canvas sack tossed over his shoulder. He can be found along the sides of the road, or in orchards. People who find the Nut Sack man can ask him for some of his nuts, nothing makes him happier than seeing someone greedily pop his nuts into their mouth. When he isnt sharing his nuts with others, he can be found planting them in fields and pastures. He has all sorts of nuts in his sack, but his favorites are cashews, pecans, peanuts, and pine nuts. On rare occasions he can pull some large hairy coconuts from his sack, but this is rare in the extreme. On a strange side note, the Nut Sack man despizes peanut butter and it's relatives, it seems that he hates to see his nuts crushed.

2008-12-23 01:45 PM » Link: [4052#68976|text]
Oh lordy. NUTSACK MAN! lmao

2008-12-23 01:49 PM » Link: [4052#68977|text]
Green Dairos
He is an odd god, a god of the earth and the grass it grows. He feeds the cows with his spiky green flesh and they, in turn, produce the richest milk imaginable. He appears as a patch of bright green grass and can sometimes be seen slithering from cow to cow in the fields.

Green Dairos can be summoned with offerings of milk and cheese under the light of the harvest moon. The cows he feeds will produce much milk of the highest quality which can be used to make delicious cheeses and creams.

2009-02-12 02:47 PM » Link: [4052#70075|text]
Pal-la Goddess of Butter

More accurately, the Goddess for the Use of Butter. This lovely, slightly chunky goddess, personafies charm and culinary goodness. She is the Groanian Housewife personified. While all Southern Groanian cooking is known for using "just a little butter" in all its cooking methods, those recipies and chefs touch by Pal-la use the lovely pale gold ambrosia in excess. If one pat will do, put in 12. If one cube will do, put in three. Butter Cake, a local specialty, is attributed to her moment of apotheosis. It should be noted, all in her domain are slightly round, called "being buttery" in the local parlance.

2009-02-12 04:14 PM » Link: [4052#70078|text]
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Comments ( 15 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Scrasamax
July 2, 2007, 8:37
Without a doubt mrthstrt is my favorite of the gods listed, followed by Big Mac the Godman of Grease! mrthstrt makes me think of something macabre, a love child of Martha Stewart and the Stepford Wives, and Bree Van DeCamp from Desperate Housewives.
Voted Kassil
January 11, 2008, 8:12
This entire scroll is dreadfully amusing, although I think my favorite may well be Quillipump, since he occasionally seems to drop by and harass me.

Also, bump.
Voted Cheka Man
February 23, 2008, 11:04
I should add something to this. 5/5
Voted Murometz
May 15, 2008, 21:20
my kind of madness!

Quillipump is sublime! And the rest are pleasantly wacko too!
Voted Silveressa
May 19, 2008, 6:14
A fun sub, and perfect gods to put in on a whim to remind the players some cultures may well have religious practices that are vastly different then the players beliefs. (Big Mac and Tw'inki are perfect for a light hearted post apocalypse game)
December 23, 2008, 11:55
Lekk-tur does present an interesting concept. I also like the Nameless god of the Bulb and the Scion of Froofy Dinner Parties. Oh and Quillipump :p
Barbarian Horde
February 12, 2009, 16:17
It sure doesn't take much to entertain the people around here...This is not even close to amusing.
February 12, 2009, 16:45
Since when are we here to amuse or entertain? We're here for idea generation. "Silly" simply denotes that these entries aren't going to be easily usable in any 'normal' campaign. Return to thy valley of inanity, oh foolish horde.
February 12, 2009, 17:42
Why is it snotty comments are always taken by the cowards who won't back up their opinions with some kind of identifier?

If you have an opinion, you can voice it. We just won't take you too seriously (in short we will mock you) if you don't sign up and sign in.

Did you not notice the silly tag? No of course you didn't. You were too busy feeling smug and superior. When really, you had no clue.

So BH buck up. If it isn't your cup of tea, why did you bother to even read it? I think you secretly liked it, but tried to make yourself feel better by abusing it and those who were willing to deal with it.
Voted Kassy
April 15, 2012, 9:16

Hehe, a humorous submission.

T'puul is right for me. Evil.

Off topic: now to finally order food.

Voted valadaar
April 24, 2013, 15:24
Weird and wonderful! Dreadfully silly!

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