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ID: 3796


March 28, 2007, 4:24 pm

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Cheka Man

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ACME Exploding Barrel and Crate Company


For barrel that explode when you shoot them, there’s only one name you can count on, that’s ACME.

Since the invention of commercial gunpowder, there has been one company that dominates the realm of poorly placed containers of high explosives. The ACME Exploding Barrel and Crate company produces a variety of such destructible commodities.

The Model 1 Red Barrel
A long time product, the Model 1 superficially resembles a 55 gallon steel barrel paighted with bright red paint. A logo and text of the consumer’s choice is available underneath dynamic bold lettering demonstrating the explosive power of the barrel. Scientists and engineers at the ACME company have spent countless hours creating a steel barrel that will explode 100% of the time when penetrated by a bullet. Not only do these barrels detonate in a reliable manner, they are also inexpensive and safe enoug to be handled by minions, henchmen, and mutants who are barely able to handle basic firearms or operate mechanical doors.

The Model 45 Yellow Barrel
Very much similar to the Model 1, the Model 45 contains alternate hazardous materials such as clouds of poisonous gas that causes rapid death, but also dissipates to harmlessness in a matter of seconds and requires no special ventilation of handling. The Model 45 comes with the same warranty as the Model, though do to the variety of chemicals involved is more expensive.

The WC-500 Wooden Crate
This wooden crate, handsomely emblazoned with words like Danger, High Explosives, and Ammo has a larger destructive capability than the standard red barrel. Unlike the barrels, this luxurious hand crafted craft cen be moved around to serve as impromptu stairs, triggers for traps, and ways to foil intrusion countermeasure systems. The WC-500 is also available in a bullet resistant, non-explosive model at signifigant discount.

Delivery and Customer Service
All ACME products are delivered in covered moving trucks staffed with able bodied and not quite intelligent goons who will efficiently offload your precious cargo of exploding barrels and or crates with a 100% gaurantee of non-exploding satisfaction. These barrels and or crates will be scientifically placed in optimal positions around your lair, warehouse, or military installation. Yes, after decades of Political Lobbying, the ACME company in associatin with OSHA no longer requires explosives to be handled only by trained personel, and hazmat rooms are no longer required for storage.

ACME…Because no other exploding barrel will do.

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Comments ( 16 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Wulfhere
March 28, 2007, 18:00
LOL! The props from innumerable first person shooters, as described by Wile E. Coyote...

Silly. Very Silly.
March 28, 2007, 18:05
Does this mean I can put you down for an order?
March 30, 2007, 14:52
I think that I still have a few that I picked up as military surplus. I use them to store the haz-mat items, loose pointy metal bits, and flammable liquids in my garage.

Unfortunately, my wife won't let me order anything new from ACME until I fix the damage from when I ordered an ACME Gyrocopter. It was a shame: It looked so good in the infomercial!

I guess that I should have been suspicious when they had Wile E. Coyote as their spokeman...
March 30, 2007, 14:54
You forgot to mention that ACME doesn't do any animal testing, uses all-natural ingredients, and is biodegradable...
Voted Cheka Man
March 28, 2007, 18:30
Where all the exploding barrels and crates in computer games come from.
Voted Incarnadine
March 28, 2007, 18:39
Only voted
Voted Demagogue
March 28, 2007, 23:56
Brilliantly simple and amusing, what better way to take down and enemy stronghold than to load one of these into an improvised catapult and let fly! They could also be used in robbery... that would be cool.
March 29, 2007, 3:27
Unfortunately any improper handling or use of an ACME product voids all liability and warranties held by said products. It is implicitly stated on the bottom of the barrel that said containers should not be used for anything other than being placed next to door, vulnerable pipe junctions, vehicle motor pools or near hidden pools containing mutant crocadiles. The ACME company does sell convenient keg saized wooden vessels with thick white fuses as well as the RBB-1 spherical detonator which is intended for blowing things up.

Please use ACME products responcibly.
Voted manfred
March 29, 2007, 7:44
I take five of the red ones, and give me a yellow piece, too.

Don't tell me you want to create a game featuring this - though it could be hilarious. :)
Voted Dragon Lord
March 29, 2007, 8:18
I had six red barrels and two yellow barrels protecting my demonic lair but a bunch of pesky hero types shot them all with musket fire from well outside the blast radius and blow them all up.

Deprived of these defences half my imps were slaughtered before I could get the situation under control.

Can I please have my money back and compensation for my lost imps as well?


Great stuff Scras – very silly indeed – 4/5
Voted valadaar
March 29, 2007, 12:35
I assume this are surface mail only for shipping? Are they available for shipment to Canada? How do I label them for customs?

Voted MoonHunter
March 30, 2007, 13:34
Okay this is really funny. You can take out mooks with these things. Of course, if you are smart you would put these in a natural place for an invader to be ducking behind. Then your own goons, who can't hit the broadside of a barn, will put wild shots into the barrels and boom.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but does this division of Acme also sells a line of brightly colored keys, with matching locks, and the mechanisms for sliding/ retracting doors (with camoflauged/ hidden versions) as well, or does some other division do that. If memory serves some models open when you bang into them while other require switches to be thrown).

The mock lava from the catalog, with the super pump to keep it hot and going, is something I can heartily recommend. The radioactive goo has an awful smell, but is still as effective.

I do miss the days when Acme sold those fun rocket powered rollerskates. My last pair finally exploded.
Voted EchoMirage
March 31, 2007, 16:49
Only voted
Voted Michael Jotne Slayer
August 6, 2009, 18:41
Only voted, funny stuff though.
Voted Ancient Gamer
August 8, 2009, 4:16
Voted axlerowes
April 12, 2014, 23:04
Clever stuff


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