Books and Scrolls
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February 13, 2007, 11:54 pm

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Cheka Man
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The Lingonberry Report


TOP SECRET! A Pickled Herring

Full Item Description

No one knows what the Lingonberry Report actually is. There are as many theories and claims to its nature as there are blades of grass in the fields. What is agreed upon, is that the Lingonberry Report exists, well…mostly agreed upon. There are those afterall that claim it never existed. What really is agreed upon, is that it was some sort of document, alas, almost universally agreed upon. There are those that ascribe far greater attributes to it than that.


The Romantic versions

As mentioned, there are countless theories. Here are but a few, ranging from the mundane to the ridiculous. These are the Six Factions.

1- The “Spymasters” claim that it was a top secret diplomatic document, sent from one ruler to another, which contained dreadful political secrets. It was named using cryptic code. “The Lingonberry Report” is a spy cypher these people claim, but no one has been able to unscramble it to anyone elses satisfaction thus far. Those that subscribe to this theory, get quite annoyed when told its meaning would now be irrelevant, as the Lingonberry Report dates back three hundred years or more, according to the calculations of the Spymasters themselves.

2- Much, much older than that, say the “Antediluveans”, as this next school of theorists call themselves. They claim, the Lingonberry Report dates back several thousand years, and that it was written by none other than the now extinct, but once nearly immortal Forest-Lords. “Oh! What ancient wisdom could be gleamed in those pages!” the Antediluveans preach, as they search the lands for it, consulting druids and when possible, Treants. The quickest way to anger one of these people, is to mention that the Forest-Lords would probably not call something the Lingonberry ‘Report’. Nor were they known to have any particular connection to the tiny tart red berry of its namesake.

3- The “Brownrobes”, as another LR sect is called, believe that this was not a document between rulers, but an earth-shattering religious secret sent by one head of church to another. The Brownrobes claim, that the LR reveals a faith-changing exclamation! They whisper that it confesses to the One True Faith’s “Great Fraud” and that it is written on its pages that THE SOURCE was invented by the One-King, his cronies and advisers in a bold effort to gain control of the populace!

This group is tragically fun! They have stumbled upon the ultimate religious truth of their own particular world, but the LR, much to their ignorance, has less than nothing to do with it.

4- There are those that say the LR is not a document at all, but the “First Berry”. When the gods were creating the flora of the fields, mountains, and forests, the very first edible plant they made, was a Lingonberry Bush. It was when the gods tasted their creation that they got the idea to create Man, due to the sublime taste of the scarlet little berry, and the Divine Brethren’s need to create some new creature to appreciate it. The “Redmouths” as this group is known, due to their incessant eating of the berry, claim that the original berry is still out there, and holds incredible powers of healing and longevity. This is another group that huff and puff when questioned as to why in the world the word ‘Report’ would be attached to such a Divine Miracle. They proceed to offer thousands of incoherent and convoluted explanations.

5- Then there are those who simply go too far. “The Realists” as they laughably call themselves, claim that everyone else has it wrong. They claim to use logic and say that if LR is spelled backwards, one gets the words, Troper-Yrre-B’Nognil, which as everyone knows, is the name of the lamb-headed Abyssal Lord of the six hundred and sixty sixth plane. The Realists have a clever theory. They say that the LR is a trick played upon mortals by the demonlord. Its only purpose, they claim, is to stir the curiosities of the conspiracy and mystery loving humans. The sinister notion is that whenever “LR” is said aloud by anyone, the demonlord takes one step closer to earth, and when LR is spoken for the 666,666 time, HE will come! The problem with these chaps is that they themselves engender more interest among people, simply by denouncing the LR and warning against its evils.

6- A final group of interest are the “Treasure Hunters”. These adventurous chaps, full of piss and vinegar, claim that the LR was nothing less than a spectacular treasure, which was sent from one King to another, as a dowry for his daughter. These people claim that it was innocently enough called the LR, to throw any possible shady characters from learning of its grandeur during its transportation. As to what this treasure is, they are divided and unsure, but whatever it is, this group is convinced that the LR is an oak and mahogany crate or chest, and that it is out there somewhere for the intrepid to find! This group cant be reasoned with at all. They laugh off all objections and queries. They are happy being the only ones who “know”. Less competition to find the LR and get rich!

The Bitter Truth

The Lingonberry report does date back from approximately three hundred years ago, so the “Spymasters” have at least that right, as well as that it was a communication between kings. It was an annual letter King Yail sent to King Draved, asking for updates on the crop of lingon berries he so loved. Yails lands did not grow the scrumptious fruit, but Draved’s did in abundance. Every year Draved would reply and soon after, when the berries ripened, he would send his friend an oaken crate filled to the rim with Yail’s favorite food. The “Treasure Hunters” seem to have the crate part correct ironically. Draved’s farmers first learned of ligonberry cultivation from a reclusive Forest-Lord, therefore the “Antediluveans” kind of have that going for them. The Pope of Yail’s land was another fan of the fruit, and would often come to Yail’s palace to partake in the delicacy. It was said he once exclaimed, “Oh Lingonberry, Thou art surely the greatest and first fruit of the gods!” Thats about as close to the truth as the “Redmouths” and “Brownrobes” get with their bizarre divine theories and notions, and its a stretch to say the least. Finally, the “Realists” are simply ignorant.

Magic/Cursed Properties

none whatsoever

A GM can have fun with this and introduce the Lingonberry Report at any given time in a campaign. It could be the Giant-Red-Herring-DaVinci-Code-Dingus-Wannabee-Thingy that it is, or it could be the holy grail the PCs have been looking for all this time. Plus meeting the “Six Factions” could be fun, watching PCs choose whom to believe and whom not to.

Dedicated to a Norwegian friend and his welcomed Lingonberry Report!

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Comments ( 18 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Cheka Man
June 3, 2006, 18:07
LOL. Very funny but not for the PCs when they find out.
Voted Iain
June 3, 2006, 18:57
This article was one I really enjoyed tremendously.
Voted Scrasamax
June 3, 2006, 21:35
Absolutely amazing mixture of historical nonsense coupled with sensationalism and rumor-mongering. I WILL have to use this in a game somehow.
Voted Pariah
June 3, 2006, 22:26
...errr, umm... *starts to say something then stops*... err, wow. I like it.
Voted Roack
June 4, 2006, 1:34
You managed to take my most favorite of all foods and turn it into a way of mocking conspiracy theorists.... WELL DONE! :D
Voted Ancient Gamer
June 4, 2006, 6:36
Well, this is rather fun. I see your humour is the same. Thumbs up Murometz!
Voted manfred
June 4, 2006, 7:46
Heh, how deeply amusing. Like it.
Voted Siren no Orakio
June 5, 2006, 7:13
Well written. It's amazing what the power of belief can cause someone to do.
Voted Dragon Lord
June 5, 2006, 10:20
Just can’t wait to use this – great fun

5/5 – plus want to give it a HoH but I’ve already used today’s – will come back tomorrow and award said
Dragon Lord
June 6, 2006, 8:48
Added Hall of Honour vote as promised
Voted MoonHunter
June 7, 2006, 11:13
Silliness taken to the proper extreme.

There needs to be more cloke and dagger between these people. Perhaps the two countries were at odds, but the kinds were friends. Thus the reports were sent with the greatest secrecy. This would make the entire paper more mysterious.
Voted Drackler
June 7, 2006, 19:12
Hilarious and amusing.

-Drackler Wyrmdragon
Voted Mourngrymn
July 31, 2006, 14:26
Never read this until now, funny and confusing. Just as it should be to the players who get embroiled into this list of confused sicophants.
Ancient Gamer
January 17, 2007, 11:28
I have it right here...

Dang! Lost it!
Voted angryscotsman93
January 19, 2009, 18:39
Bloody awesome! Sorry it took me so long to respond to this, but I finally got around to it. Bravo, Murometz!

Gotta love the Realists!
January 19, 2009, 19:26
Heh, glad you liked it!
Voted valadaar
November 14, 2013, 12:25
This is good enough to stand on its own as a humour piece.

Submit again Muro!
Voted axlerowes
January 21, 2015, 13:04
Damn....I can't wait for Ron Brown to sensationalize this one


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Ideas  ( Items ) | January 20, 2014 | View | UpVote 7xp

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