Hello, fellow Strolenites and fans of pie, donuts, and other foods! These are the original Placeholder Gods, the ones found in the kitchen of most any divine realm. With the loss of true Gods they have risen up and now spread their wisdom throughout the land! Thanks to Ria Hawk, Maggot, and Siren no Orakio. This was born in a chat with them. So listen to the preachings of Tw'inki and Big Mac! and many others only you can enlighten us enough to see!
The Godman of Grease, Lord of the Fries! Hear his wisdom! Big Mac is a god of quick meals and teenage stomachs. Everyone loves his greasy, quick, easy meals. Especially the younglings, who he always has some sort of toy to give. He dwells on the corner of Godstreet, in his eatery. All gods come from far and wide for a quick meal. His priests work at small diners called Little Macs and serve unhealthy yet cheap and filling foods of all sorts. Most enjoy his Burgers, Fries and Thick Chocolate Shakes... but do not ask for a salad or he may smite you.
"Em'ril, God of Spice"
Em'ril is a very popular deity, he shows other gods how to cook with a little spice. He is known for his annoying catch-phrase "Ka-Bang!" and uses it as often as possible. Occasionally muttering it to himself when no one is around. He loves to add spicyness to anything and everything. Soups, Salads, Subs, anything. With magical spice-summoning words his priests do the same. Bringing out the "True Nature" of natural foods.
"Ka-Bang! Your food is now good!"
The Turnip Man
Everyone hates turnips, don't they? Looking like a vagrant lost to the dusty roads, the Turnip Man has a large white and purple turnip for a head and is generally quite sad. People once used his turnips to make their goblin and jack-o-lanterns but now that has been stolen from him by the Great Pumpkin. Now people use turnips as animal fodder, and as food only eaten in the most bitter of times, and the harshest winters. The Turnip Man asks for nothing, only to be remembered with something other than distaste and disgust.
The Nameless God of the Bulb
The Nameless gad can be smelled long before he is seen, for he is the walking root of the bulbous plants, the onions and the garlics. His scent makes people weep tears, but despite his unpleasant aroma, he is a strong and beneficial god. A perenial enemy of vampires and other undead, he and his holy symbols can be used as amulets against chronic illness, necromancy, and pains of the guts.
T'puul, The God of Salt
Appearing as a great grinding tower of white salt crystals T'puul is also known as the Prince of pickles, the sultan of salt, and a baron of brine. Invoked by those who salt food for preservation, he makes sure that meat keeps as long as possible before spoiling. It is said that variety of the spice of life, T'puul would like to find the person who coined the phase and leave them a salt dessicated husk for their impertinence, as salt is the spice of life. While not technically an evil deity, T'puul prefers his offerings to be made of living things packed into barrels of salt where their corpses are quickly mummified. T'puul will further bless the salt used in such sacrificial barrels to be especially rich in flavor. Ogres are fond of T'puul and make excellent priests.
G'oh, The Merry Butcher
Appearing as a pig of grotesque size and obesity, G'oh is a jovial godling with a huge morbid streak. He accepts offerings of any organic waste, has regular conversations with the godling of spiders, and enjoys singing in a loud falsetto voice. The mobidity comes from the fact that G'oh will take up his divine cleaver and chop hunks of flesh from his own body, granting to the world the three great gifts of ham, pork, and bacon. A patron not of pigs, but of pig's meat, G'oh will bless any pig brought to his temple and the meat from said animal will last long before spoiling, and will deliver bacon of the absolute best quality.
Quillipump, The Lord Of Tastes
Seemingly closer to a fairy or spirit than a god, this temperamental creature appears to be everywhere and nowhere, while governing the tastes of the people. You will feel his (or her?) fleeting presence when you suddenly get an appetite on something; the most blessed of people will find their tastes often and radically changing, and will love to try new cuisines, and new combinations thought before impossible. There but also those without his attention, preferring to eat the same things for their whole lives... sad, but true.
His priests can not only evoke taste in others, they can also change the taste of existing food, and are welcome on many feasts just for this effect. Many work as cooks when not performing in this role.
This is a sick twisted Godling, Lekk-Tur teaches his priests how to gain nourishment and the best flavors from the meats and flesh of intelligent humanoids, and to empower their own internal organs by eating those of others. Among his most famous worshippers were a man named Sweeney and his wife who used Lekk-Tur's blessings to secretly make meatpies out of human meat and got away with it for many years. His worshippers range from grotesque flesh-eating monsters to seemingly normal people with everyday jobs as well as some of the more unsavory tribal humanoids. His priests often learn to properly roast and serve their meats with fanciful side dishes. Lekk-Tur rewards good taste and manners, but also tolerates the savages.
The Meat of an intelligent creature properly prepared by a cleric or priest of Lekk-Tur can actually heal the mortal body to a certain degree. It has been known to close wounds and remove potential deadly toxins.
The Muffin Man
"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?
Do you know the muffin man who lives in Drury Lane?"
The Muffin Man created the common breakfast item known as the English Muffin. In his early years as mortal, before his culinary ascension, he would go door-to-door delivering these fresh baked goods with butters and jams. Now that is the job of his priests and their Iron Chef Golems. The Muffin Man's only purpose is to keep the English Muffin at the breakfast table. Why must this snack endure? It has for so long... what could he be plotting?
You may think The Muffin Man's agenda is lacking something, but he has a secret. Way back when The Muffin Man was a mortal with a real name (now known only by a select few) he created the Iron Chef Golem in his house on Drury Lane. It spewed too many English Muffins for the Muffin Man to handle and eventually he had to destroy it. Since then, the design has been perfected by his priests (his very few priests). Some say the Gnomes had a hand in this devilish device. You decide...
Iron Chef Golem (Thanks to Kuseru Satsujin)
The more simple versions of these dread muffin factories look like typical chefs, with the big poofy baker's hat and giant cleaver or frying pans. But, sometimes, the design is a little... off. They have been seen ravaging the countryside pelting travelers with english muffins. They look like giant ovens with spalutas and whisks protruding at odd angles, like the flippers of some ancient aquatic beast. They also contain just about every utensil you could possibly need: forks, spoons, prongs, tongs, whisks, ladles, knives, cleavers, mashers, graters. You need it? You have it, if you can defeat it. Muahaha.
Salsos God of salsas and chili
While in many circles this god of flavorful party enhancers is a welcome presence, others that have sampled his hellfire hot salsa, find him quite literally a pain in their rear.. The wide nearly endless variety of foods that have been produced with the most staple of his holy ingredients speaks volumes of his universal nature, almost every community having a "chili cook off" within his domains of influence, and many casual followers also throwing "salsa parties" in reverence to his wide spread bounty.
Alas there are some among his followers, that dare speak the blasphemy of their tolerance for his offerings, and consume dishes that are hot as molten lava, and rewarded for their efforts by a painful smiting in their backsides the following day. (Often accompanied by the grunting and rapid stuttering laughter of Salsos himself.)
Corylus, the Nut Sack Man
Corylus is a minor god, appearing as a bean dry old man wearing all sorts of necklaces and bracelets made of nut shells twined together. He has a long beard and a jovial twinkle to his eye. Corylus always has a walking stick, adorned with small leaves and clacking nut shells, and a canvas sack tossed over his shoulder. He can be found along the sides of the road, or in orchards. People who find the Nut Sack man can ask him for some of his nuts, nothing makes him happier than seeing someone greedily pop his nuts into their mouth. When he isnt sharing his nuts with others, he can be found planting them in fields and pastures. He has all sorts of nuts in his sack, but his favorites are cashews, pecans, peanuts, and pine nuts. On rare occasions he can pull some large hairy coconuts from his sack, but this is rare in the extreme. On a strange side note, the Nut Sack man despizes peanut butter and it's relatives, it seems that he hates to see his nuts crushed.
He is an odd god, a god of the earth and the grass it grows. He feeds the cows with his spiky green flesh and they, in turn, produce the richest milk imaginable. He appears as a patch of bright green grass and can sometimes be seen slithering from cow to cow in the fields.
Green Dairos can be summoned with offerings of milk and cheese under the light of the harvest moon. The cows he feeds will produce much milk of the highest quality which can be used to make delicious cheeses and creams.
Pal-la Goddess of Butter
More accurately, the Goddess for the Use of Butter. This lovely, slightly chunky goddess, personafies charm and culinary goodness. She is the Groanian Housewife personified. While all Southern Groanian cooking is known for using "just a little butter" in all its cooking methods, those recipies and chefs touch by Pal-la use the lovely pale gold ambrosia in excess. If one pat will do, put in 12. If one cube will do, put in three. Butter Cake, a local specialty, is attributed to her moment of apotheosis. It should be noted, all in her domain are slightly round, called "being buttery" in the local parlance.
Not Registered Yet? No problem.
Do you want Strolenati super powers? Registering. That's how you get super powers! These are just a couple powers you receive with more to come as you participate.
- Upvote and give XP to encourage useful comments.
- Work on submissions in private or flag them for assistance.
- Earn XP and gain levels that give you more site abilities (super powers).
- You should register. All your friends are doing it!
? Responses (14)-15
Without a doubt mrthstrt is my favorite of the gods listed, followed by Big Mac the Godman of Grease! mrthstrt makes me think of something macabre, a love child of Martha Stewart and the Stepford Wives, and Bree Van DeCamp from Desperate Housewives.
This entire scroll is dreadfully amusing, although I think my favorite may well be Quillipump, since he occasionally seems to drop by and harass me.
I should add something to this. 5/5
my kind of madness!
Quillipump is sublime! And the rest are pleasantly wacko too!
A fun sub, and perfect gods to put in on a whim to remind the players some cultures may well have religious practices that are vastly different then the players beliefs. (Big Mac and Tw'inki are perfect for a light hearted post apocalypse game)
Lekk-tur does present an interesting concept. I also like the Nameless god of the Bulb and the Scion of Froofy Dinner Parties. Oh and Quillipump :p
Hehe, a humorous submission.
T'puul is right for me. Evil.
Off topic: now to finally order food.
Weird and wonderful! Dreadfully silly!