The Blade of Chill
This is the first of the four elemental weapons made by the high elves of Seraith
Full Item Description
Forged using an extremely rare metal known as Morthile, and known only by the elves. This metal is rare for two reasons, the first of which has already been mentioned, the second reason is that it is heavily guarded by an ancient race known, agian only to the elves, as karhan, monsters so bewildering that sometimes you don't even know what just happened to you, or what is going to happen to you. An ice blue diamond sits in the pommel, that gleams with a chilling glow.
History
Made for the four greatest champions Seraith had to offer, knights who had proven their worth, over and again, til they became the greatest, most feared and praised warriors that the elves had ever come to know sent away to train from age three to fight these four showd exceptional talent at that age.
The four greatest smiths were called upon to forge these mighty weapons, then spellcasters were summoned and laid enchantments upon them to increase their power and durability.
The smiths were all dwarves; Gotri Farohn, Karek
Garn, Vorek Baldurn, and Borek Katharsonen. Four of the most accomplished smiths ever known, the elves for once decided to at least for a short while drop all quarrels between the two races and hire the dwarves services, which did not come cheap, at first the dwarves were suspicious, but then the lure of gold was too great for them to resist, and they made an agreement with the elves to forge these weapons.
Finally the spellcasters were called to lay enchantments upon them, among the mages to be called was the then young Van Torxus; the elf who later turned on everyone.
Now long dead the champion who once bore this blade is now entombed below the high elven temple in the capitol, as are al the other champions. The sword, along with the other three was supposed to have been buried with their bearers, but for reasons unknown the swords were stolen the night before.
The elves would pay a dear sum to have it returned to them for even now they still havent forgotten the loss of those blades.
Magic/Cursed Properties
Anyone or anything taking damage after a succesful hit,gradually slows down their movemnet and reflexes in effect making them more vulnerable to further damage. the blade also has the terrifying ability to induce a cold fear into the hearts and minds of those it touches, making them more likey to run away with each swing of the blade.
The weapon also has one other special effect which can be called upon once a day by the wielder, which when after a succesful hit will paralyze them for up to 30 minutes.
Note that the PC must declare beforehamd if he is using the effect.
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? Responses (36)
Ok... You get one freebie from me. I won't vote on this yet.
Looking at the size of this submission I could tell I was going to have issues with it.
You said this sentence three times...
this is the first of the four elemental weapons made by the high elves of Verasialles.
...This was said two times to many. This is a fine statement ot have in the summary box, but explain it a little more to us. Interesting name, it intrigues me.
Morthile - Ok a elven silvery metal... ok sounds like a number of different ideas but the name intrigues me as well, however explain why it is so special in the description. Why is it special, any special abilities, is it just extremely rare or is it divine metal? Something to explain to us why there are only four of these swords made of this metal. Or if there are more, why was this metal chosen over other more conventional metals.
The history section, since you are giving us specific names to deal with here, give us some more info on this. When in history, who made them or had them made, why were they made for these four champions, what was so special about giving them these four blades, etc. (Couldn't think of a what.)
Magical Properties - As with your swordmaster submisison, the abilities of this item are a bit over powered. At least the paralyzation for I assume sixy three (or 6D3 perhaps) hours is a bit much. A few minutes perhaps, but hours? Depending on the world your on that corelates into days... thats a long time. That pretty much menas one sole person can almost take on an entire army themself as long as they just nick their opponent they are down for a few days, nick move on to the next enemy, nick and repeat... That is way over powered. If it was a divine weapon I can see it lasting a little longer but not that long.
The cold fear sounds cool, not pun intended. But does it have a duration, a number of times it can be used in a single day? Does this weapon have any adverse affects if used poorly?
i'll upgrade it as well as i can.
Updated: updating it by request
Morthile is an extremely hard to make which makes it very valuable. Why?
5/5? I know I sometimes overvote but 5/5 is silly. 1/5 is more like it.
Okay, this just needed some help. It is a gem in the rough. It has the potential to be really, really good. yet as it is, it is just a rock.
I know this is a cut and paste response, but it is all applicable here.
First: Review!
Review the top rated posts of the category you want to post it. If you want to do an item, click into items, then the highest rated (in red) and it will give you a list of the best items. Read the first ten or so.
Second: Effort!
Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.
Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it.
Third: Check it!
I really mean it. Go through your posts. Make sure it follows the basic rules of grammar . Sentences start with capital letters, end with punctuation, and have everything moderately correct in between. Extra lines should be inserted between paragraphs (and there should be paragraphs). I can not stress the next part more that simply scream, 'Spell check!'. If you can, copy (from web site) and paste (into word processor) your post into a WP with spell check. Run the spell check (and the grammar check if it has it). Copy and paste it back. If you do this, it will automatically improve your post by one point (on average). If we can simply and easily read your post, we can start critiquing it rather than your awful spelling.
In your case, the lack of capitalization in the FIRST Sentence of the Preview is enough for most people to dismiss this post outright.
Fourth: Completeness!
Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more 'generic', you need to 'imply' the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match 'The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.') Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.
To be complete, your post needs to answer; 'Who is involved?', 'What is happening (and where and when)?' and 'How and why things occur?'. If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?
Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).
You have some great details going here. You just need to expand upon them.
Fifth: The Gold Standard
This is a a personal favorite of mine.
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.
If your item (or any post) is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.
This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right.
Updated: uprading this for my fellows.
I still fail to see the updates to this sub. And while it could be a diamond in the rough its lack of updating to a comprehensible level turns me off to it.
Please read our comments a little more closely to see a way to update it to a the great standard it could be.
Chilled. CHECK YOUR PMs on the forum. You are about to be banned.
i think this is quite good
though it does need more work
Updated: i have up[dated this post as i saw that it contained a few errors which i have now rectified
Chilled: Can you read out a few of the existing posts to see where the 'bar' is set for average posts? This one is far below our normal accepted standards.
i'll work on it.
Updated: wasn't supposed to be in work.
Updated: Yes, it really does need to be in work. Read all the other comments and take another look at what you can do to improve yours. You CAN get there!!! Give it some time and effort.
i'll do my best, its goin to take quite some time though.
The historical part needs to be put into shape, but that can be still made. Let me say how I envision the powers of this blade:
Swinging the sword, a whiff of cold air can be felt. During a fight, this effect is stronger, and gets gradually colder until it is freezing cold, the opponent(s) having problems to breath - the wielder of the sword feels only cold, so as to move more frequently. Further, each swing sends shivers down their spine, and produces unnatural discomfort - less intelligent creatures are likely to run away after a short fight already.
Those hit by the blade feel it as if it was made of pure ice, freezing them to their very core. As I am rather the low-magic, low-power type, I find an hour of paralysis after _any_ hit to be a quite powerful effect, lethal even - but that is up to you. An alternative would be make the hit person slower, loosing speed, with subsequent hits making them even slower. An interesting side-effect could be making them harder, eventually really freezing when they cannot more, but are ironically hard to damage further.
The wielder of such a blade would most likely settle for a fast light style, that damages opponents ligthly but as soon as possible - the effects of the blade softening up the enemy further. In some cases will a swift execution follow on the slowed opponent, in some cases letting them freeze for a while may be preferable - for duels, but also teaching students the hard way.
There you have some ideas as to how it could work - feel more than free to elaborate on them. The cold effect would range a few yards at most, but in a tight place, a single champion could indeed halt an army - which makes it an interesting weapon not only for duelants but also for defenders of their home country. Take it from here as you see fit.
That sounds pretty good manfred.
cheers for the help manfred, will try to use some of your help.
Might want to change where the elves are from. It's a great word, but I think the French would have notices elves :)
why?, how come? ...
Because it looks too much like a misspelling of versailles
http://www.a-castle-for-rent.com/versailles/
It is the most famous palace in France.
it's only a name i'll try to think of another...
chilled. With all of your replies that you have given here I do not see why you have not worked any on repairing this submission. We all have given you plenty of helpful hints and ideas to get this into a wonderful submission but I am curious to know why you haven't taken the initiative to fix it.
i know, i know, i just haven't had the time lately i will work upon it now.
Chilled! You can see how we all want this to live up to its true potential! Enough with building the suspense; grasp the hilt and pull this sword from its stone!
You've revised it a bit already, but looking at it, I would like to see a little bit more information added:
Why did the renowned High Elven smiths of Verasialles (I'm not fond of the name either) craft this weapon using the rare metal Morthile? What is special about this metal that it is so valuable?
What did the Elven champion that first wielded 'Chill' call his unique fighting style? What was unusual about this style? Was he from the village, or do champions from distant lands quest to find the hidden village of the masterful elven smiths, there to petition the smiths that they might have a weapon crafted?
What kind of sword is it? I picture the sword as a longsword with a narrow, lightweight blade, constantly encrusted with frost. Beneath the covering layer of frost, an inlay of elven script can barely be distinguished, delicate letters running along the blade's fullers. Its silver hilt forms a protective guard that curves down to protect the fingers.
When wielded, what is the sword like? I don't mean game effects, you have that down. I mean, what does it look like to someone watching it? What does it feel like to be struck with it or to wield it?
i get the point, it's just that i've benn pretty busy as of late and haven't had the time, will update it.
**** this im going to rewrite the whole sub, i think ive finally come to my senses, thanks for the much needed and nagging(in a hel[ful way) encouraement!!!
Updated: i decided to completley rewrite this sub as before i could now tell why everyone was nagging at me for not doing anything with what has potential.
thank you everyone for your help with this.
Do you have access to MS Word, or similar word processor? I would like you to cut and paste the submission into the word processor and run both a spelling and gramar check. Fix things. Then cut and paste it back into the submission.
You have a habit of making run on sentences. You forget basic punctuation. (Thought this is better than most of your submissions.) If we could clean up the langauge aspect of your submission, it has real potential. (It does need some additional details to flesh out the basic questions people have about things.) Right now, it is still too much work to read.
Good for you and keeping with it chill!
Rather than another magic sword, I would love to hear write up about
'monsters so bewildering that sometimes you don't even know what just happened to you, or what is going to happen to you'
I like the idea of beasts that are more confusing than scary.