Damian Levine
A once noble man, he was tossed aside and tortured. He is an empty shell of what use to be Human.
Special Equipment:
His left arm is made of Tylios metal, and has a retractble mini crossbow on it.
Appearance:
Damien stands at 7'10. The left side of his chest and arm are made of Tylios metal. His right arm has been severed off and replaced with the arm of a Minatour. His legs have been removed as well, and replaced with the legs of the Zentinach, or bird people. He has a Dragoon's wings, and the tail of a lion. He has black demon horns on his forehead, and Vampire teeth.
Background:
Damian was born in Shod-Arc-Vas to unknown parents. After his mother's water broke she hurried into the woods to give birth, and left him there. Lucky for Damian his cries were heard by the Wood Elves who inhabited the forest. They raised him, and taught him their customs. They named him Damien, which in their language meant ‘savior'.
He never felt right in his forest sancturary, and was shy. At age 11 his home was one of the first to fall to Vothils army. Damian was able to escape to a far away locaton from the woods. On the road he saw a travelling circus, and tried to steal from them. While trying to run away, he was caught by the lead acrobat, Thosai(Toe-sigh). Thosai was impressed with his skill in agility, and convinced the ringleader to let him raise him. He was the only real father Damian ever had, and he loved him. He would learn not only from his father, but from all the carne folks. In a couple of years he became the main event. He was a better acrobat then his father, and was stronger then the strongman. Indeed he was better then all the performers. At age 23 he joined the Imperial army on account of his fathers persuasion.
He was a great fighter, and easily surpassed many in one year then most did in 5. By age 26 he fought alongside Tython in the final battle against Vothil. He is one of the few who know his secret, and when he told his commander what had really happend he was assigned to tour the world. While in Quatra he was amushed by Imperial knights,and kept as a lab rat. They had mutilated his body with metal, and the parts of other creatures. He endured this for 5 years. He was stronger then ever, but was kept under a magic barrier so as not to escape. He grew bitter and heartles in those years, he was a changed man. He hated the people around him, and blamed his father for making him join.
Then they chose him for their ultimate experiment. They had, in one lifetime, gathered the blood from the greatest warriors of the world, and had finally created a spell that would be able to fuse the blood without getting ads. They planned to put the blood in Damian to make him the ultimate fighter. The transfusion took two full days, but Damian was noted as a weak host, and thrown into the sea.
He awoke on the beach, and was pissed off. Damian was now learning on how to control and manipulate his varied bady parts. He has special feats of different magic he calls reserve. He has also found out he needs to drink blood, or he will weaken. He has also learned that when he drinks the blood he is able to turn into that person, and gains their knowledge.
He became the greatest bouty hunter in the world, and lives in a manor away from civilization in an unknown location. He hates lords, and the Knighs that serve them. He has become a sociopath, and is known to kill those who anger him. He doesnt help people, and is a loner, saying that they wouldnt need help if they werent weak.
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? Responses (16)
Oh no, not ANOTHER super-powered uber-munchkin
1/5 and that's because I'm too kind hearted
Dragoon God: Can you read a few four and five star posts before the next character you post. You should know what we are looking for in a character by now, so please don't make us go through this again.
Okay, lets start from the Begining
1)Spacing between paragraphs. Your post is one large block of text and difficult to read.
2) Sentence structure. *cringe* While you punctuate and follow rules of spelling and capitalization, if you slog through the format, the character is still hard to read.
3)There is no real explanation for the magical cybernetic experients performed on this guy. There is no pyramid of support for this oddness.
3b) The story is choppy. There is little in the transitions. If he is an escaped experiement, why are they not collecting their work - so nobody else know about it?
3c) So he has no real family, only an adopted one. Where does he get all this genetic? prowess for figthing from. He could of been a farmer's child... There is no explanation.
3d)Its vamperic and probably against the law in most civilized areas. And yet how does it a) continue to live and b) live a lawful life?
3e) So the people who hire it are willing to overlook its odd abilities and appetites... who would do that... and why hire him when you can hire so many other monsters to do the same thing... for less?
3f) Choppy transition between 'scenes'. The information is just dumped in the text with little to no explanation. *cringe*
4) There is no characterization for him. How does the world respond to this monster? If he wasn't a pc, some PCs would just hunt him down and kill him for the eps.
5) You have committed some of the cardnial sins of character creation. You have an uberpowerful loner with no living connection to the world. Even though he is a good fighter and tracker, a) what city would let him in their walls, b) what good would all this gold be if nobody let him spend it in a civilized place, (villages would all run when her arrived) He is an orphan. Sigh.
6) His motivations are 'He became the greatest bouty hunter in the world, and lives in a manor away from civilization in an unknown location. He hates lords, and the Knighs that serve them. He has become a sociopath, and is known to kill those who anger him. He doesnt help people, and is a loner, saying that they wouldnt need help if they werent weak.' With little to no explanation. So he is a hermit? Only Lord and such would hire him as a bounty hunter... so who is paying his bills. No servants. He would kill them for being a) weak, b) normal, and c) angering him. So.....
Cringe. I vote for deletion if this is not edited and improved.
I looked at this, saw: 'His left arm is made of Tylios metal, and has a retractble mini crossbow on it', and laughed as I was instantly reminded of some of the stories my little brother used to write. ^_^
I agree with MoonHunter: he needs more motivation, more explaination, more weaknesses, and more page-breaks. Why did his mother abandon him? Why was he driven to stealing? Why is he so strong and gymnastic and uber-powerful? Those kind of details, along with probably a bit more humanising of the character so that he can be emphasised with, will probably bring your quality rocketing up. :-)
By the way, what is a dragoon? It makes me think of a kind of aquatic dragon, but I usually get that kind of thing wrong.
A dragoon is(in my story at least) a Human in appearance, but with wings. They were created by the Dragons during the times they were being hunted ( the Dragons) so they could protect them. After the hunt ended the Dragoons inhabited the mountains, and are honorable and peaceful, as a whole at least. Some became mercs for their ability to fight, and others still defend the Dragons.
And I will make his character make more sense, but this is hard! It might be a while before I am able to put a new edit on, but the wait will be worth it!
In that case, the character will stay for now :) I'll just pick out a couple things, even though they've already been mentioned.
Paragraphing.
- The best way to keep someone interested and reading is not a riveting story, or a dramatic twist. A simple technique to make someone WANT to read your words is what is called 'white space'. I'll give you an example, taken from Moons critisisms :P. Which are you more inclined to read? The same text just below, or moonhunters text?
1)Spacing between paragraphs. Your post is one large block of text and difficult to read. 2) Sentence structure. *cringe* While you punctuate and follow rules of spelling and capitalization, if you slog through the format, the character is still hard to read. 3)There is no real explanation for the magical cybernetic experients performed on this guy. There is no pyramid of support for this oddness. 3b) The story is choppy. There is little in the transitions. If he is an escaped experiement, why are they not collecting their work - so nobody else know about it? 3c) So he has no real family, only an adopted one. Where does he get all this genetic? prowess for figthing from. He could of been a farmer's child... There is no explanation. 3d)Its vamperic and probably against the law in most civilized areas. And yet how does it a) continue to live and b) live a lawful life? 3e) So the people who hire it are willing to overlook its odd abilities and appetites... who would do that... and why hire him when you can hire so many other monsters to do the same thing... for less? 3f) Choppy transition between 'scenes'. The information is just dumped in the text with little to no explanation. *cringe* 4) There is no characterization for him. How does the world respond to this monster? If he wasn't a pc, some PCs would just hunt him down and kill him for the eps. 5) You have committed some of the cardnial sins of character creation. You have an uberpowerful loner with no living connection to the world. Even though he is a good fighter and tracker, a) what city would let him in their walls, b) what good would all this gold be if nobody let him spend it in a civilized place, (villages would all run when her arrived) He is an orphan. Sigh. 6) His motivations are 'He became the greatest bouty hunter in the world, and lives in a manor away from civilization in an unknown location. He hates lords, and the Knighs that serve them. He has become a sociopath, and is known to kill those who anger him. He doesnt help people, and is a loner, saying that they wouldnt need help if they werent weak.' With little to no explanation. So he is a hermit? Only Lord and such would hire him as a bounty hunter... so who is paying his bills. No servants. He would kill them for being a) weak, b) normal, and c) angering him. So.....
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The answer, of course, is moonhunters, because it is spaced. It makes the reader feel more comfortable, than slogging through a swamp of text.
Next!
Cliches.
- Some people may have been in the roleplaying industry longer than you, and as such, that DOES make it harder to know what is a cliche and what is your original idea.
I mean, I've come up with what I thought were priceless gems of ideas, just to have Moon or Strolen or Manfred shake their heads and say 'Isn't this an awful lot like ... ?'
So, in summary, I'll point out the cliches which I think are most apparant in your post.
- Orphan. (Probably the most common one. My first character was an orphan and I got blasted for it! :D The worst thing that you can do, is probably create an orphan bent on revenge.)
- Metal arm with weapon. (Im not sure about the others, but I've seen a few fellows around with this style thing. Its not necessarily a BAD thing to put with a character, just be wary.)
- Amalganation of animal parts. (Believe it or not, this is also done fairly often :) The most typical replaced animal parts on humans, tend to be horns and wings, and sometimes sharp teeth. I do find it interesting on how mixed up this character is, however :D I can just imagine a god sitting over his kitchen bench, throwing animals of all sorts into a giant blender.)
- All-powerful loner. (Yup. I've made one of these before, though that was before my citadel time, really. The powerful loner class isn't necessarily a bad path to take, of course! But once again, be careful not to make it fall in with all the other powerful loners.)
Anywho, thats enough dribble from me. I'll give this character a 2/5, to state exactly what the 2/5 mark says. It shows SOME promise.
Give it a lot of revision, read over the 4-5 rated posts in the Citadel, and re-zap it, and I'm sure it will be an improvement.
And don't be discouraged! Every one of us has made submissions which we thought were great, but were met with critisism.
Uh... Not really sure I could add any more.
So, uh...
2/5, but just because I've taken a shine to you.
This is your first warning.
Ever watch the Beyblade series? If you can look out for Dragoon and you will see what most people think of when they first hear the word Dragoon.
You wouldn't catch me dead watching... *look of utter revulsion* Beyblade! *retches violently*
The more experienced members of the Citadel have already said everything I came up with about this 'character' and more, so I'll just say that I agree about the 2/5. Try modifying it, keeping the others' suggestions in mind.
Somewhat on topic, I believe this may answer some questions:
As per dictionary.com:
dragoon
n : a member of a European military unit formerly composed of heavily armed cavalrymen v 1: compel by coercion, threats, or crude means; 'They sandbagged him to make dinner for everyone' syn: sandbag, railroad 2: subjugate by imposing troops
I tend to view a dragoon as a heavily armed cavalryman, and when used in a fantasy setting, they tend to be trained in combat versus dragons and creatures similar to dragons.
Wow, my name is Dagoon God and I didnt even know the real meaning... ..Thats a shock. Well, anyway, I'm going to take everything you guys have said and revise this guy. He will be much better.
Happened upon this randomly, and I agree with all that has been said, especially Moonhunter and ShadowEagle's posts. Oh, and I agree with Alec for the dragoon definition... just a normal human knight... but i can easily see it being a dragon-like race.
I can see the effort was made to create this character, but I would almost go as far as Moonhunter on this one.
Loners make _terrible_ bounty hunters. You are doomed to have to find your mark by simple blundering, as no-one will give you the time of day.
A frankenstien monster will be treated as a monster, not hired and feted.
While not hopeless, it fills the description for a 1/5
I agree with everything said about the character (Redux freetext challenge, anyone?!), but I'll strongly disagree with the statement that loners make terrible bounty hunters. Say what?
Barring magic, your best tool when looking for people is other people.