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Lifeforms
Constructed
Mountains
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3 Votes

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Hits: 1559
Comments: 12
Ideas: 0
Rating: 1.8333
Condition: In Work (Request Advice)
ID: 6221

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Updated:
February 26, 2011, 3:20 pm

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GraveBorn

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Hidden in the snowy mountains lies a small settlement. Not unlike others however this village is entirely populated by undead. These undead are atypical.

 

Nestled in the mountains and obscured by well placed trees lies a small village of undead. They are known as the graveborn .
These undead are all that remains of a lich's former army who met his fate at the hands of a travelling party of adventurers. they are known as graveborn among the local populace.
 
Graveborn are well covered in dark garb and reveal very little for their flesh is long gone and only bleached bone remains.
 
Graveborn culture is very xenophobic without the need for sleep and food the Graveborn are a serious and astute people without inns or taverns. To fill the long dark hours the Graveborn are excellent storytellers and often gather at a central hall to share and create tales. Also owing to their tireless nature they excel in industry and are highly knowledgeable. Ones standing in Graveborn society is based on age the older the individual the more respect and power they deserve as such the village is presided over by the oldest individual who is referred to as the chief. Death among Graveborn is a solemn affair because their numbers are so limited these who die are placed near the remains of the former lich's abode in the hope he may breathe life into them once more. Even though they understand the evilness of their masters actions he is revered among the Graveborn for he gave life to them from nothing. In Graveborn society only their former master has the ability and right to overrule the chief.


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Comments ( 12 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted MysticMoon
December 22, 2010, 6:55
0xp

I really like the core idea. I can see working this into my own campaign; I would love to see how my players react to it.

I do think it could use some fleshing out. For instance, I'd like to know a little more about what motivated the Graveborn to stick together and form a community after the fall of their master. How long has the village existed? What kind of industry? You mention that they are xenophobic. How does such a community deal with the outside world? I think the interaction between the Graveborn and the living is filled with all kinds of possibilities. Have they had to repel crusaders wanting to wipe clean the unnatural creatures? Do they try to hide their existence?

Voted Silveressa
December 22, 2010, 7:26
0xp

An interesting piece I'd like to see expanded upon and fleshed out more. (pardon the pun) For example, it's mentioned they are very knowledgeable, but where did they get the knowledge from? Did the lich have an old repository of arcane tomes in a library they;ve  obtained access to? Or did the Lich imbue them with knowledge mystically?

I'm also curious back the back story behind how they first were discovered by the surrounding villages and befriended enough to be named grave born rather then feared as a village of "walking dead," especially due to their xenophobic nature.

It reminds me a little of the town of friendly ghouls players encounter in Fallout 2 near a nuclear reactor, which always stood out in my mind and one of the more unique encounters in an rpg game.

valadaar
December 22, 2010, 9:00
0xp

A good draft, but needs a lot of polishing to be a sub - for example, your summary is your initial hook - it needs to draw readers, not simply fill in a form.

Voted Ouroboros
December 22, 2010, 14:04
0xp

I can only echo what has already been said. This needs expanding. I do like the basic concept, so please give it the attention and effort it deserves. And dont be shy of the spell check button. Grammatically, this needs some cleaning up.

I would suggest adding info on the general area, the village and its key locations and prominent figures. Perhaps there are more than one type of undead?

In short: Expand, elaborate, refine. Good idea, sloppy presentation.

//David

Dossta
December 22, 2010, 15:24
1xp

Huh.  This reminds me a little of the Forsaken from World of Warcraft.  With the Graveborns' xenophobic nature, I wonder to what extent their culture revolves around "kill the living!"

Solid idea, but needs fleshing out (as others have said).  Will withhold my vote for now.

(p.s. Welcome to the Citadel!)

Cheka Man
December 22, 2010, 20:21
0xp

An interesting idea.

Ramhir
December 23, 2010, 19:52
0xp

Hi. Welcome to the Citadel. I would suggest that you read some of the other high-rated subs and see what they did and how they did it, then rewrite your piece to turn it into a sub that you can be proud of. It is a good first effort, but it could be so much more.

I'm withholding my vote until you have a chance to redo it.

Strolen
December 25, 2010, 13:55
0xp

Congrats on braving the site. I went ahead and put your sub into request advice to save from any more votes for now.

Don't lose hope!! Take the criticism and see what you think. We have all gone through the voting gauntlet so don't take it personally, use it! You probably won't get such honest, helpful advice anywhere else. 

If you need an ego boost, look at my subs and sort them ASC by date and see my first ones. EGADS!

hylandpad
August 22, 2011, 13:46
0xp

I like the idea of a city of undead just going about their business. My own two cents - what if they didn't know they were dead? Perhaps they are blissfully unaware (or they chose to forget) that something terrible happened here, and they react to outsiders strangely because they look "funny" or "pink." I'd say perhaps they are outright friendly undead, if not a bit xenophobic, who carry on in death much as they did in life.

Mourngrymn
March 22, 2012, 21:07
0xp

This is a grand idea. Yes it needs work, yes it sounds VERY similar to the Forsaken from WoW, and yes it is not publishable worthy. But it has SO much potential please, please rework this. If you need help ask anyone here. Hop into chat or PM someone and we will gladly help you. PM me I have so many helpful ideas for this and would love to assist you.

Cheka Man
March 22, 2012, 21:20
0xp

Maybe they would be friendly but living humans just flee or attack them on sight?

valadaar
January 23, 2014, 21:27
0xp
I would love to see this finished, or taken into the Redux contest.

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