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March 2, 2011, 9:57 pm

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Cheka Man

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30 Orcish Gifts (For Services Rendered)


30 Orcish Ornamentations of Outlandish Awesomeness and Some Ordinarily Uninteresting Objects Overcome with Ogreish Opulence!

1. Bowl of Ticks.

One must understand the orcish culture to comprehend this “gift”. Orcs are riddled with ticks, it is a way of life for the unclean, but they feel quite differently about the parasites than we do. Orcs will often give out these stone bowls, filled with a hundred or more of the tiny blood-suckers, as house-warming gifts or birthday presents among their own kind. The orcs believe that ticks suck out all the “bad-blood” from the flesh, “purifying” the host, so to speak.

As all know, once a tick has had its fill of blood, the bloated critters simply detach and fall from the host, lazily digesting. The peculiar magic of the orcish tick bowl however, somehow urges all of the ticks to return to the bowl after feedings. In essence one can travel around with a bowl of ticks, and never lose the suckers.

2. Bitumen Mine Map

The orcs gift the PCs a crude, orcish map showing the location of a naturally occurring, long-abandoned bitumen mine deposit, somewhere in the Klawbash Mountains. For Bitumen properties and uses, see Wikipedia. The orcs may or may not forget to mention, that the mine was abandoned for a very specific reason, a sudden infestation of cantankerous dwarves.

3. Sword-Breaker

This old broadsword, fashioned in the orcish style with a wide blade, serrated edges and countless nicks, is a formidable weapon. A great service indeed would have had to be rendered on their behalf, for the orcs to gift such a sword to PCs. The weapon has no magical attack or defense bonuses or abilities of any kind, except one. Any non-magical sword this weapon strikes, shatters upon contact with Sword-Breaker. Magical swords are thankfully unaffected.

4. The Talking Toad.

A mundane appearing creature, the size of a man’s fist, this warty, grayish toad can utter/croak several words and phrases in the Orcish tongue!  How the bloody hell this toad acquired these capabilities is unknown, and the orcs aren’t talking. Suffice it to say, the PCs now own a toad, that can say the following, and the following only, in the orcish tongue:

Nresh-shart’graak-ulv—A painful death to you elf.
Gla’Brugdugyesh—I am hungrier than an ettin.
Hu’lish, Raz’Bash’Avooo?—You smell good. May I taste?
Hu-Treg! Gla’hasdummat—Quiet you! I am defecating.

5. A Bag of Teeth

A large, roughly stitched brown leather pouch. It contains the teeth of several deceased clan shamans. The orcs assure you that should you shake it in the direction of any spirits you may have angered, the orc spirits will chase them away and eat their flesh. The orcs appear dumb-founded if you mention that spirits don't have flesh.

6. Orcish War Drum of Elf Hatred

A tattered and beaten old bongo drum, it has been used to lead the murderous rhythm against many elf settlements. Whenever any being of elven blood is nearby, it beats like the heart of an orcish warrior ready for the kill. If an elf touches the drum, it will burst into flames and someone is likely to say "Well, that was unexpected."

7. A Night of Passion

The orcs grant you a night alone with one of their fair maidens. A hirsute, elderly orc-woman named Gunkrekss (Translation "Groin Crusher") takes you hand and happily leads you into a small ramshackle hut. Within she explains, in a poor representation of your language, that she is a Right of Passage for all young warriors. You do not need to do anything you don't want to with her, she doesn't look like she would say no though, and she explains that the typical night is spent playing cards while screaming wildly and hollering in pretend pain. You are suppose to stagger out of the tend in the morning, and proclaim your victory over her.

8. Ritual Scarring

The orcs offer you a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get your very own Orc scars! They will cut you, burn you, and otherwise physically maim you in any pattern you desire, with a little bit of creative license. The marks can be anywhere on your body, but will forever mark you as one of their tribesman, and this is not to be undergone lightly. Once a member of a tribe, the only way out is death. However, with the scars, you will be marked as a hero of that tribe, being forever offered retreat from the structured world of men and their strange doings.

9. Ogrebumm's Blood Pie

The master orcish pastry chef, Ogrebumm, known for his oversized buttocks and excellent meat pies, offers you one of his finest foods. A raw mass of blood, meat, and uncooked dough. If you can stomach eating it, you truly have the fortitude of an orc warlord.

10. The Cleaver

A great orc cleaver of black steel. The cleaver resembles an oversized square-bladed hatchet meant for cutting and chrushing bones. It has an especially tough edge meant to withstand repeated blows against meat, bone and even metal. This is accomplished by using soft steel and a really thick blade. Orc carry these cleavers into battle smashing whatever is infront of them. The craftmanship is crude and simplistic. It is unfortunately way to big and clumsy for a normal sized human to use.

11. Stolen Cattle

Orcs love to eat meat and hate to hunt. Stealing stupid cattle from pink weaklings is much easier than running around in the woods hunting game. Stolen cattle is a great gift indeed and orcs regard it as a walking feast. If the PCs try to explain that they can not accept the herd of cattle because they will be too much trouble to travel with, and that they can not eat them all, the orcs will laugh their guts out and help the puny humans getting rid of a few before they depart. Should the PCs mention that they can not accept stolen cattle because it is wrong the orcs will first stare disbelieving at the PCs and then start laughing even more.

12. The Slave

Orcs can be lazy. Having a slave is a sign of great status. Slaves are often mistreated badly and are the bottom filth of orc hierarchy. If a slave is given as a gift it is a great honour, especially if the orc tribe is not too wealthy. The first thing the PCs are expecting to do when they receive this great gift is to abuse and beat the slave so it will understand who its new masters are.

13. Humaluma

A great orc totem staff dangling with bone fetishes, raven feathers, boar teeth, bat wings and much more. The Humaluma is one of the rarest and greatest honours a orcish clan can bestow upon outsiders. The Humaluma basicly says that that those carrying it are protected and can not be harmed. The tradition of the Humaluma is an ancient one in orcish standards and most clans respect it. There are clans that will go so far as to protect whoever carry a Humaluma, even against other orcs. But there are always some that ignore traditions.

14. The Hill of Many Heads

This is where the orcs bring back the heads of enemies after raids or battles. They throw them on the hill, hang them from the limbs of the trees, or from wooden spikes placed along the sides of the hill. This is a very holy place, and the PCs can pick a head as a good luck charm for their next battle. The orcs believe that the clans success will then rub of on the PCs.

15. Tattoos

Orcs use blood to paint symbols on their bodies before entering combat. They believe that this gives them strength, courage and other attributes depending on the symbols. This task is performed by the Shaman. The painted magical symbols are fairly simple shapes, with clear, bold lines and slightly jagged, rough edges. The more powerful shapes are more complex than the basic ones, which can be applied quickly. Some orcs that are destined for greatness or has accomplished a major feat are given permanent paint, namely tattoos. What will the PCs say when this gift presented to them?

16. Strength Potion

The Strength Potion of the orcs has two main uses. They smear the foul liquid on wounds and drink it to boost their stamina. Wounds healed this way however will leave horrible scars. The Strength Potion also have side effects when drinking it. Vision will go hazy and body control will feel remote. Movements and actions will be driven more by bestial instinct than the mind. The Strength Potion of the orcs is composed of a very strong alcohol mixed with blood, liver and a special sort of underground mushroom. It is also sweetened with honey, so much that it tastes much too sweet for a human.

17. Wand of KABOOM(!)

The orcs have kept this slim, almost effeminate magician’s wand safe under lock and key for years. The one time the tribe’s shaman experimented with the wand years ago, he blew the village saloon sky-high, burning alive a handful of his fellow orcs. The shaman was soon after roasted himself by the villagers, albeit more slowly, and over a crackling campfire.
Since that inauspicious day, the orcs have kept the wand hidden. But since the PCs deserve it, the orcs bequeath it to the adventurers for a job well-done. The wand is indeed a wand of fireballs, and a powerful one at that, but with one major drawback. It is out of charges.

18. Head-Butting Hat

This sewed, patchy, leather skull-cap with flaps, looks a little like an old-style, early twentieth century, American football helmet. Unassuming in every way, and in fact unflattering head-gear, it does have one major boon. If used for head-butting the hat becomes a formidable weapon. A hit from this leather helm carries the same wallop, as if a steel-helm was used instead. Great damage can be done to the heads and faces of adversaries, broken noses, concussions, and cracked jaws. The wearer of the helm, meanwhile, feels no pain from the hits.

19. Iron Likeness

In honor of the PCs success, the grateful orcs decide to commemorate the PCs “for all time”. They plan to erect great iron statues of the PCs, in their likeness. Thousands of iron coins and shards (nearly valueless), are smelted down and orcish sculptors begin the laborious effort of constructing statues. They insist the adventurers remain in the village as honored guests, until the masterworks are complete. At first the PCs will be flattered and more than happy to “pose and preen” for the orcish sculptors and metal-workers. But soon all becomes apparent. The orcs are talentless ironmongers (much less sculptors) and weeks turn into months, as they struggle to erect featureless, vaguely humanoid, and cigar-shaped statues, while the PCs suffer from dysentery, as “guests” of the orcs.

20. Snot Rag

A small, and very dirty, handkerchief. It is covered in grisly scars denoting the great struggles it has endured. There is a plethora of dried orc blood, boogers, and greasy smears arranged in a gruesome swirl of horrible bodily fluids. As the legends go, there are few of these diseased rags remaining, having all been burned to a crisp by sensible folk. The snot rag can nullify the threat of inhaling airborne poisons or diseases when used to cover your mouth. Extreme nausea is a side effect, but that is not as bad as crazy purple knock-out gas.

21. A Good Ole’ Fashion Fist Fight

Even Orcs can get emotional, complacent or relaxed, and when they do an allied Orc will help them by punching them in the face.  While time consuming and possibly deadly, a good fist fight (without weapons) can bring an Orc back down to earth and also be a sign of status if the fight is particularly long or bloody.  If the PCs seem to have had a rough time or maybe seem a little down, the Orcs will feel a lot of social pressure to do the right thing and punch them in the face.

22. A Pile of Compost (the perfect gift for the expecting mother)

Orcs don’t reproduce like most mammals, a pregnant She-Orc only carries the child for about three months and at that time she deposits the tiny fetus-like Orcling into nutrient rich dirt, such as a grave or a pile of composting material. The She-Orc then has to keep this spot (the nest) warm by sitting on it, placing warm rocks in, by hobbling a large land mammal and letting it die slowly on top or by making her nest near a hot spring.  So while all of those would make great gifts, the surest best is to get the expecting mother a pile of rotting nutrient rich material.

23. A Fertile Human Woman

As much as Orc’s may love their Sisters of the Snout, no male Orc can deny the convenience and advantage of a fertile human woman.  If you place your seed in her, in six months the human woman will give birth to your child. You can take a pregnant woman a viking with you, you can move her between camps, and all you have to do is feed her.  Plus if you have ten fertile human women you can have ten children in six months.  Even the best Orc mother would have trouble tending ten nests.  It will be a half orc yes, but as the Orc saying goes “Most children weak, but not as weak as elves”. 

24. A Great Axe

After all these years, still nothing else says “class” to Orcs like the gift of a great ax.  As far as the Orc’s are concerned, it is never out of style, it sends a message that you respect the strength of their arm and if they don’t like it they can always hit you with it.

25-Some gold nuggets

A few nuggets of genuine gold, quarried by slaves in a mountain range long settled by Orcs. No magic, they are what they are and the PCs should be able to turn them into legal money or swap them for something of value with very little trouble.

26-Some "beer"

A brewing aficionado in the party will be shocked and perhaps offended by this drink.  It is not beer or anything like beer, it is a supersweet fruit juice that has been carbonate by a process that involves culturing the juice with rotting meat for three days. This not always a bad thing and some people find a good Orc Beer to the perfect thing at the end of a day.  Orc certainly love the combined flavors of carrion and sugar.  The product varies wildly though, it can range all the way from a drink that is so good it restores PC hit points, to a drink that tastes like rat piss and makes humans ill. If the PCs reject it the Orcs will not be happy.

27-Warg beast

The Orcs give the PCs Warg beasts to ride, wherever or not the PCs can control them enough to ride them depends on their riding skills/the GM/both.

28-An Orc Sword

The curved blades of the Orc swords are surprisingly well made and very distinctive.  Carrying one of these into a town that has a history of Orc encounters could lead to some uncomfortable encounters.  The PCs have likely heard the slur “Orc-F%#$er” applied to humans that carry this style of sword.   Even carrying it as a trophy is often thought of as tasteless and promoting Orc culture.  This may be due to the fact that Berserk Orcs will commonly leave their victims impaled on these sword during raids rather than trying to free a lodged weapon.    

29-A potion that is not as it seems.

Not out of malice, but by mistake, the Orcs reward the PCs with one of the Flawed Potions.. The GM can pick one from the list or choose it randomly by throwing dice.

30-A Song of Praise

Normally reserved for tales of the deeds of the great kings and warriors amongst the Orcs, the Orcish bard could make a praise song up for the PCs. How accurate it is and how good a singer the bard is depends on how the GM is feeling at the time.  But one thing is certain, the Orc just don’t sit around after a Praise Song.  The freshly inspired band is likely to armor up and raid something.  The PCs may want to stop this or direct it. 



Additional Ideas (5)

25-Some gold nuggets

A few nuggets of genuine gold, quarried by slaves in a mountain range long settled by Orcs. No magic, they are what they are and the PCs should be able to turn them into legal money or swap them for something of value with very little trouble.


2010-10-06 10:18 PM » Link: [6156#74979|text]
26-Some beer

This can range all the way from beer that is so good it restores PC hit points, to beer that tastes like rat piss and makes humans ill. If the PCs reject it the Orcs will not be happy.

2010-10-06 10:20 PM » Link: [6156#74980|text]
27-Warg beast

The Orcs give the PCs Warg beasts to ride, wherever or not the PCs can control them enough to ride them depends on their riding skills/the GM/both.

2010-10-06 10:21 PM » Link: [6156#74981|text]
28-An Orc Sword

The curved blades of the Orc swords are surprisingly well made (treat as a +1 sword, but one that could get you questioned later by city guards as to how you have it in your possession.)

29-A potion that is not as it seems.

Not out of malice, but by mistake, the Orcs reward the PCs with one of the Flawed Potions. The GM can pick one from the list or choose it randomly by throwing dice.

2010-10-06 10:23 PM » Link: [6156#74982|text]
30-A praise-song

Normally reserved for tales of the deeds of the great kings and warriors amongst the Orcs, the Orcish bard could make a praise song up for the PCs. How accurate it is and how good a singer the bard is depends on how the GM is feeling at the time.

2010-10-06 10:26 PM » Link: [6156#74983|text]
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Comments ( 15 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted slartibartfast
October 7, 2010, 7:49
Overall, an outstandingly original oblation of orcish objects! Each one funnier than the last. Although some of the latter items in the list still need a little cleaning up, I found the overall content to be extremely entertaining, funny, and even useful! VERY well done, gents!
Voted Cheka Man
October 7, 2010, 10:13
Very well done. 5/5
Michael Jotne Slayer
October 7, 2010, 10:42
Thank you for adding Cheka, I was wondering if you could clean up your items a bit? Bold headlines and such.
Cheka Man
October 7, 2010, 14:00
I wish I could but I don't know how.
October 7, 2010, 14:30
How is that?
October 7, 2010, 14:42
Cheka, the same way you bold stuff in all your other subs. Such as "Plot Hook" in your Heal the Kraken piece for example.
October 8, 2010, 15:06
I think he uses the wysiwyg editor, not the code. Cheka, for bold put < b > in front and < / b > behind the line you want bolded, without spaces.
Voted Dossta
October 7, 2010, 16:58
Appropriately appealing and appalling in turn. I would have liked several of them to be fleshed out better (like 27), and I would have liked a link to the potions list for 29, but this is a great list.
Voted valadaar
October 8, 2010, 14:15

Another great post guys - keep em coming :P


Voted Ancient Gamer
October 9, 2010, 21:30
Only voted
Voted celticring
October 11, 2010, 1:14

Great Ideas! keep them coming.

Voted Mourngrymn
November 17, 2010, 23:28

Comical and entertaining. The slave hit home to something I did to a fellow player (palladin of my religion) when playing a priest who received an god complex type insanity. I have him a squire who just so happened to be a kobold.

Voted axlerowes
February 23, 2012, 0:42

Inspired me to write more orc based stuff

Voted Scrasamax
August 9, 2013, 10:24
I swear I read and voted on this before, I very much recall the talking toad and the exclamation 'Quiet you, I'm defecating' and of course, the bowl of ticks
January 23, 2015, 21:08
23. A Fertile Human Woman

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Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

       By: Grendel

The Door

A nifty little encounter appropriate for any powerful sorcerer/magically adept monsters lair.

When the party have penetrated to an appropriatly impressive level/room they encounter The Door, this door is a vessel through which the Sorcerer/Monster can safely work against any intruders, the door is heavy duty iron bound studded oak wrought with craft skill and magic, set in the middle is a crystal orb, once the party get within a preset distance the orb flickers briefly as the door warns its "master" of the intruders, the master can then effectivly possess the door itself, this means that all movement the door is capable of (i.e. opening and closing) come under the control of the master, the master can also cast spells from the door as if he were there himself, all the while any damage that is inflicted in return merely damages the door, this will in effect ruin any of the parties chances of surprise, allow the master to assess the parties abilities while remaining safe and sound and finally will probably cause the party to waste some of their juicier items/spells on a chunk of wood and iron, and if the master happens to have a deadly spell or three it could also reduce the size of the party,

Of course if you wanted to be really nasty you could have the door open to admit one person and then slam shut on the second person (squish) whilst blasting away with every spell in the mastrs repetoir

Encounter  ( Cave/ Underground ) | August 20, 2004 | View | UpVote 2xp

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