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March 9, 2008, 11:51 am

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Cheka Man

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Uwue's Utensils


Gifts from the King! Given to those explorers and adventurers, his highness deems worthy of being commissioned to travel on his business, into the northern territories.

Uwue was a troll. Some say half-troll. Others say he was a giant. The goblins of Kolgspyr insist he was a great goblin hero, but everyone knows goblins are prone to lies and exaggerations. The truth is no one knows who or what Uwue was, we only have his namesake utensils as a lasting legacy.

All seem to agree on two things, that Uwue was from the north, and that he was capable of performing shamanistic magic.

Perhaps the best theory is a conglomeration of the others. It seems best to assume that Uwue was indeed a member of some humanoid tribe, and that he dwelt amidst tundras and ice-flows of the northern territories.

The utensils were found and presented to the king, by one Lango the Sea-Farer, upon the bravados return from the lands of the Melting Glacier. He claimed to have found the items hidden in some otherwise empty burial-mound,  inside of a sack. On the outside of the sack, were woven the words, "Uwue’s Sack". On the inside, were woven three magical command words, "Soup", "Meat", and "Stick", though four utensils were present.

The King, as he was wont to do, feted Lango for many days, impressed with this strange find, but eventually grew bored of both Lango and the utensils, sent the adventurer on his way, and threw the sack into his treasury. Over the years, an idea came to the King, a gesture toward’s his subjects, many of whom he would often send on missions of exploration into the northern territories in search of mysteries and plunder on his behalf.

To this day, anyone deemed worthy enough by his Highness, and commissioned to explore the snowy frontiers, are often given Uwue’s Utensils on loan. Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly, depending on one’s point of view, the six different parties the King has loaned the utensils too so far, over the last decade, have managed to come back alive, and returned the Kings boons to him. This coincidence has given rise to whispers that Uwues Utensils are truly fortuitous, good luck charms for dangerous journeys, ensuring safe returns from the dreaded northern lands.

One interesting note, and perhaps this fits in with our King’s peculiar sense of humor and mischief, is that the aforementioned tribes of humanoids, trolls, goblins, ogres, and others of the northern wastes, each seem to impart some great, religious significance to Uwue’s legendary Sack, and each humanoid tribe, in turn, will diligently pursue those who carry the sack, attempting to win it back for their respective clans. Why such intense feelings for these weird utensils consume the baser races of the north is unknown, even to learned sages, and the humanoids aren’t talking. Of course, no adventurers will willingly advertise the fact that they carry Uwue’s Sack, due to this unwanted attention.

It is a matter of time, in this monk’s humble estimation, before one lucky group turns out not so lucky, and are killed for the sack by some trolls or some such. Of course, our King most likely won’t much care. And so it goes.

The Burning Spoon

A great wooden spoon, nearly two feet in length, with a deep, ladle-like head. A delicately painted scene of flickering and dancing flames, yellow, red, and orange, was once appeared along its length, but the once vibrant paint, is now chipped and faded, and the spoon looks like any other, except for its impressive size.

If the concave head is gently rubbed underneath by a warm palm, and the command word is spoken, the spoons magic activates. The next liquid that is scooped into the spoon will warm up considerably, even melting ice cubes or snow in seconds, or heating and boiling a cold, nearly frozen, taste of soup. The spoon will function this way for an hour at a time, then grow dormant and mundane once more. The following day the spoon can be rubbed anew.

The spoon itself, wooden though it is, will never catch fire or burn.

The Freezing Knife

A chipped, flint and obsidian, foot-long blade, perched upon a featureless, six-inch handle, wrapped in tanned walrus skin, Uwues knife appears quite primitive, and of the poorest quality. If a finger is run along the blades length, and the command word uttered, the Freezing Knife activates. For the next hour, whenever the knife is plunged into the flesh of any living or freshly-dead animal, the flesh immediately around the blade begins to chill and turn numb, in the case of the living, and freeze, quickly developing a frosty glaze, in the case of the dead.

What exact purpose this knife served for Uwue is a somewhat controversial subject of debate, among those frivolous sages, who have chosen to study these utensils seriously. The confusion stems from the fact that freezing or numbing meat and flesh, does not seem overly useful to a humanoid shaman who called the ice-flows home. In a hot climate however, the knife proves quite useful in preserving meat, or tending to burns, or even preventing gangrene and keeping corpses of deceased companions from going rancid.

The Sticky Tongs

Another over-large utensil the Tongs are just that, with no interesting features to speak of, yet they possess a peculiar power as well. Upon clicking the tongs together, once in the air, and speaking the command word, the next object, though it cannot be larger than a grown man’s fist in size, will stick to the tongs grasping the object, for one hour, and nothing short of the highest magics can rend the object, inanimate though as it must be, from the tongs grasp, as if they were coated with the most powerful sovereign glue in the known worlds.

After an hour, the tongs deactivate, the object will be dropped, and they can only be used again the following day, for another hour .

The Frustrating Fork

A three-pronged fork, as impressive in size as its fellow utensils, made of some rusted metal, the fork has no discernable ability, unlike the other three.

Uwue’s fork has frustrated the King’s sages over the years, make no mistake. Perhaps it is just a fork, but that seems too incongruous and strange. Regardless, the fork simply functions as a fork, and no amount of prodding by the frustrated will reveal any inherent power. No command word of magic appears woven in thread inside Uwue’s hempen sack for the fork. Whether Uwue was a cruel practical joker, or simply carried his eating fork, along with his magical utensils, inside the same sack, we will never know. But with all due respect to the King’s sages, some secrets will remain secrets forever. So life teaches us.

No one knows the truth behind Uwue’s Sack. No one can guess if other utensils are out there somewhere. But most of all, perhaps the mystery of Uwue will never be solved.

Excerpts from the writings of Mattius Hean, a bored and irreverant palace monk, whose job it was over the years, to catalogue the items inside his King’s treasure chambers.

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Comments ( 12 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Pieh
March 8, 2008, 16:58
I like these utensils alot. Especially the fork. I imagine the fork's power, when used as a weapon would be to inflict tetanus and lockjaw. But is still by no means magical. I like the conflicting tales about Uwue and how the humanoid tribes all want his utensils back. I can't think of anything to add. Solid.
Voted manfred
March 8, 2008, 17:31
Muahaha! Now that is a most proper gift (well borrowed) for an adventuring party. The utensils are all usable, quirky, and entertaining - and even come with hordes of admirers to them.

Great work!
March 8, 2008, 18:21

eligible for red herring codex? or not quite?
March 8, 2008, 18:28
I am tempted, but I'm afraid not: basically, they deliver what they promise, and they ARE genuinely useful.

The fork is a borderline case. :D
Voted Cheka Man
March 8, 2008, 18:13
Wonderful for any campaign.
Voted MoonHunter
March 9, 2008, 4:15
I like this set of items a great deal. It has back story, a touch of whimsy, and some interesting details to hang your stories on. Thumbs up.

I am glad I provide the idea of Tongs and you didn't use spork.
Voted valadaar
March 9, 2008, 16:02
Shoo Wee! Another neat little item with immediate use and danger to the owners.

Now they need to add a Cauldron of the Cold Camp to their collection!
Ancient Gamer
March 10, 2008, 6:07
Hey, you kept your end of the bargain.
You shame me into posting something. I will give you feedback when I do!
March 10, 2008, 12:46
Sometimes a fork is just a fork, as they say.

And sometimes it's a Fool's Fork. Unknown to its user, it magically contacts unfriendly intelligent beings in its vicinity, using subtle mind-magic to convince them that the user isn't worth killing. "After all," the thought usually goes, "the fool thinks that his rusty old fork is a magical talisman..."
March 10, 2008, 13:49
Haha, nice touch, making the fork the greatest of all the utensils!
Voted Moonlake
February 27, 2011, 18:34

Everything has been said before so I will just vote.

Voted Renlim
February 28, 2011, 12:44


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       By: Strolen

Marraige custom. The groom must prove his worth to the friends, family, and future wife. The best man is obligated to challenge the groom to a duel and the best man chooses the weapons. (can be anything, toothpicks, cotton balls, anything) If the groom wins then he proves his worth. If he loses then the bride will accept him for his faults and could sometimes gives him a task to accomplish before the wedding.

Ideas  ( Society/ Organization ) | February 15, 2003 | View | UpVote 2xp

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