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Comments: 9
Ideas: 0
Rating: 2.1667
Condition: Normal
ID: 3975


November 16, 2007, 8:10 pm

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Mandible Silvio


The mage of Time, the former master of the enuch wizard Volomain walks the lands once again, a small sun circling the vessel known as a lifeform.


Mandible Silvio stands two feet tall, has blackened skin and blue teeth. Is facial features are haggard and sickly.
Wherever he goes a small sun of bright burning fire circles his head.


~~~Mandible Silvio started out as a great sculptor of clay I tell you. No more need be said about His personae.~~~

From the very short book- Volamain, me deeds, history and Skull Tower recorded.

Once upon a time in Hell a great demon of electricity struck a bargain with the famous demon named Arrkrash. They decided too create a wizard demon by mating. An offspring capable of great things in the mortal realms. As the pact was formed and mating took place a small creature quickly emerged from the womb of Arrkrash. The loving parents named him mandible Silvio. His was the Power!

Mandible Silvio quickly ascended to the mortal realm. There he took the trade of pottery. He loved to let his fingers slide trough wet clay and shape the mud to his liking.
Later on he decided to build the Downwards tower as a trading hub and a focus of his powers. To protect His great halls and caves circling ever downwards to the center of the earth he created 171 clay golems and imbued in them Life!

His tower was a great success, Dwarves, Goblins, Trolls and all kinds of beasts living underground came there to trade, work out their problems and so on and so forth. Mandible Silvio even saw fit to crate a bank in his vast halls. here he loaned out money to vampire lords, goblins, orcs and other nasties. In short, all went well for Mandible. Until one day, that fateful day that his favorite slave Volomain left him. he was so upset that he went into a house in a village and killed two people with a staff. They had a baby in a cradle, it was named Amadeius. He turned him into a raven and left. A few years later he heard that the kid had killed everybody and he went to his house and left him the staff he had murdered his parents with. Later on he heard that Ravenman was looking for him too kill him and that he could kill from the sky.

He then went into hibernation for many years. But now rumor has it that he is back, and wants the income from the loans his bank gave out.

Special Equipment

A small sun that circles him and has great power.
Some pottery.

Roleplaying Notes


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Comments ( 9 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

June 9, 2007, 10:25
It has been a while since your last submission Agony, and I am glad to see that you've not given up! I think it is good that you've started writing your submissions to link with each other. I took the liberty of linking the other submissions to this one, I hope you don't mind.

I would suggest that you use the spellcheck though, there are a few fairly significant typos. I will leave the rest to the other members to critique.

Never surrender Agony!
June 9, 2007, 10:34
OK. I will try to proof read it properly. Thank you for the sound advice and the links.
June 9, 2007, 11:39
Let us move to the content then.

I get a feeling of the characters quirks and interests (nice touch with pottery!), but I don't get a single bit of his personality, what he is really like, and why does he the things he does. For instance his background suggests he was created to do some great evil (at least one of the parents was a demon hell-bent on destruction), and yet he seems to be a benign, even likeable little chap for much of his life (letting others work out their problems). (Was that perhaps intentional, to let him play a darker role later, or did he somehow break free of his parent's plans?)

The construction of a tower (more likely a large fort with a tower, judging by the visitors) requires quite a lot of resources. You could explain how he got to that much wealth and influence, perhaps by starting his fortune with pottery, and then turning to large-scale trade where he succeeded.

As for those visitors and customers, it seems he concentrates on the "evil" ones. Is he such a respectable person that everyone accepts, or is it a part of his plans?

Then comes the creation of Ravenman... here is the real weakness. His most important servant has left, that is a good reason to be angry. But why does he go into a completely anonymous village and kills two completely anonymous people, and then transforms their baby into a monster? That doesn't really make sense. If he is powerful and pissed, there are much better ways to take off steam.

Luckily for you, we have been known to be able to explain the unexplainable. I am offering you two options, but of course there are many more.

1. He is really serving a great dark purpose, which requires him to appear a nice guy all the time, and personal vendetta would break his image. So he found an utterly backwards place, and took it out on some people of no consequence in the cosmic scheme of things. The accidental creation of Ravenman has suited him well, and he doesn't mind if someone else does great damage to anyone around in a destructive rage, he even helped him to more power by giving him that staff. Should Ravenman ever find him, he will be more than able to defeat him.

2. He isn't a bad guy, but treason of a close servant has awoken some truly demonic rage. The peasants he killed were not just anyone, they were a close family (maybe even parents) of that servant. In a display of bloody revenge, he killed them and turned their child into a monster, resembling the raven-like entity that caused all this. Later on, he felt terribly about his deeds, and might have tried to turn the boy from the path of evil. It will be shown if he has failed.


Additional notes:
- The bit about hibernation is completely ridiculous. Enough said.
- The small sun that circles him and has great power also needs some detail. (What is it? What does it do? What does he say to people that _will_ ask him about it?)
- No roleplaying notes is a real symptom of this character... there is now way to tell what he is like. He could be an utterly evil spawn of hell packaged in two feet of height. He could be a basically nice guy with some family issues, and anger management problems. He could be _anything_ in-between. Anything. Think about his personality a little more.


I hope I was constructive enough to help you. There seems to be developing a group of NPCs strongly related to another, and eventually, we would also like to know more about that mysterious raven entity. But first, let's make sure the characters are good! :)
November 8, 2007, 9:00
Updated: Tried to remove some of the issues I agree with. I think this is ready now.
November 8, 2007, 9:50
I love the name Mandible Silvio
November 16, 2007, 20:10
Voila! Its out, Agony!
Voted MoonHunter
January 7, 2008, 1:02
And nobody voted on it.
Voted Kassil
January 7, 2008, 8:18
Maybe because it still feels incomplete? The part about killing the parents, the kid killing everyone, and then him leaving the staff feels somehow... Forced, rather badly.

I agree with Manfred's questions and comments, as well.

Further, why did he decide to build a hub? What are these powers he built a focus for? Is he a basically good guy, a conflicted mass of neuroses, or distilled evil given form? What does he think of his parentage? What does he want from life?

There's potential here, but it still needs work to draw it out and make it exist.
Voted RGTraynor
March 7, 2011, 10:09

90% backstory, not bloody much as to what this being is NOW.

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