Melee Weapons
20 Votes


Hits: 7699
Comments: 16
Ideas: 0
Rating: 4.45
Condition: Normal
ID: 670


January 19, 2007, 3:00 pm

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Cheka Man

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Khub Gurmong, the Big Shiny Club


It’s no secret that Ogres fight dirty. The slobbering hulks will wield anything they can find in their bloodthirsty rage - which often results in very odd weapons indeed!

The town of Lantern Valley lay safely nestled within a very deep valley at the foot of the Greyward Mountains, protected on both sides by steeply sloping cliffs. Unfortunately, the cost of this protection was the long shadows that both ridges cast upon the valley, meaning that without an artificial light source the town remained sunk in an almost constant twilight.

The solution was a simple one: Magical, glowing lamps flooded the winding streets of Lantern Valley with welcoming firelight, investing the village with a warm, friendly feeling despite the constant shadow. Rain or shine, the townsfolk felt safe and sheltered by the reassuring lanterns.

It is said that all good things must someday cease, for that is the way of the world. And indeed, the demise of Lantern Valley was sadly imminent. The beginning of the end, as it were, came with a particularly nasty rainstorm late one year. While it did nothing to dim the glow of the magical lamps, it did trigger a mudslide which cascaded over the edge of the northern cliff face, burying a section of the marketplace and - most unluckily - sweeping a stunned Ogre along in its wake.

Predictably, the Ogre took little time in coming to its senses, and proceeded to vent its surprise and anger on its surroundings, as Ogres will. Being lamentably ill-equipped to handle such a vicious beast, the townspeople took flight in terror. A small group of adventurers staying the night (hint, hint) did what they could, but not before the brute had ripped up one of the beautiful lamp-posts and proceeded to set the entire town ablaze with its new magical weapon.

The exact fate of Lantern Valley has been lost to rumour and gossip. Some say it burned to the ground with all those concerned still trapped within it, some say the heroes were able to salvage what little remained and help rebuild the crippled village. However, none question the existence of the village that spawned this tragic tale - especially since rumours have been heard of an especially merciless Ogre clan, their leader armed with a most peculiar club indeed…

Named Khub Gurmong (Ogren for “big shiny club”), the lamp-post was a very intricate piece of work in its prime. Ten feet long with a column roughly 6 inches thick, it is made of a single thin tree trunk with iron bands and a classic tapered lantern sturdily attached to the top. The trunk itself is carved with bas-reliefs of all different kinds of leaves and intertwining branches, clearly the work of a competent carpenter with a flair for nature.

Sadly, its time as an Ogre’s bashing instrument has left a heavy print: the trunk is disfigured with massive scratches and even the Ogre’s own heavy fingerprints in places, while the lantern itself is dented badly and bloodstained from blows delivered to countless unfortunate skulls.

Magical Properties:

The “Big Shiny Club” has a small but potentially deadly magical charm upon it, a remnant of its previous occupation. The local magician, in an attempt to curry favour with the Lord Mayor following a nasty transmutation incident, made himself useful by casting a spell enabling the lamp-posts to light themselves upon the setting of the sun.

Thus, the moment the sun disappears behind a solid object, a magical fire springs up from the stolen lantern, a flame which stubbornly refuses to go out, no matter the weather, until the sun appears once more. This charm includes not only the time between sunset and sunrise, but also indoors and underground. The flame can be used to set other objects (or persons) on fire - however, they will burn normally, with no magical properties.

Being a lamp-post, the “Big Shiny Club” is pretty heavy - roughly 70 pounds, making it a difficult burden to carry and wield effectively. In games, it would function better as a weapon for a monster against the PCs, be it the Ogre or another later owner.

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Comments ( 16 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

July 29, 2005, 18:01
Two thumbs up. This is one of those odd items that makes a great deal of sense. Take something out of its normal context and use and it becomes something else entirely.
July 29, 2005, 22:48
LOL! This is one hillarious item. 5/5 just for making me chortle.
Voted Monument
July 30, 2005, 1:42
I like this one too. It actually gives a reason for someone to have that thing. Personally, I would make it an item that the party is attacked with. Once they dispatch the beastie, they find little treasure, save for this magical lamppost club thingy, and, of course, go to find out what the story behind it is. Presumably that would happen at Ye Olde Magic Shoppe(affectionately known as "MagiKMart" to our players), where the shopkeeper relays the tale of the Lantern Valley, and other possible hooks(rumors, etc) from that place.

(Side note, there is quite an amusing typo in the above, might want to correct it: "to CURRY favour"... I'm fairly confident you didn't mean the lord mayor liked indian cuisine.)
July 30, 2005, 13:38
Well, he did have quite a taste for exotic foodstuffs... ;)

As it happens, though, "curry favour" is in fact a verb:

'curry favor - seek favor by fawning or flattery; "This snivelling chamberlain is currying favor with his local magistrate"'

I believe it originally came from "courting favour", oddly enough...
July 30, 2005, 17:23
Well slap me silly and feed me key lime pie. I always thought it was "CARRY favor". I actually went to various outside dictionaries to get a concensus on that one after you corrected me. Well, when you're right, you're right. Kudos. Sorry about that. Try to make a joke and end up being the one laughed at, but not because the joke was funny. DAMMIT! Hate it when that happens. ;)
July 30, 2005, 17:35
That's okay. Not the first time I've been accused of a crime I didn't commit - I mean, grammatical blunder... ehehe... O_O
Voted EchoMirage
July 30, 2005, 18:59
Fun! Coming up next: The Safe Door Shield and the Philospher Battering Ram (made of a statue of Podokrates the Stubborn).

Two thumbs up, and a 5/5.
July 30, 2005, 21:38
Hey, maybe there should be a magical item based on the notion that there are two ways to successfully bypass a trap, the hard way(actually searching for and disarming it), and the EASY way, "once more into the breach" etc, some hapless soul who's very job it is to disarm traps by setting them off. If my party had a magic item like that, it would be nigh impossible to get them to actually investigate things on their own, they'd just have "Mikey"(the trap finding automaton) run down the corridor or poke his fingers into trapped chest locks or open doors with gas traps on them or whatever.

I'm afraid to even run with this idea for fear that "mikey" actually shows up in a game I'm running or playing in. If I lend it substance by actually writing it up, it almost demands that I actually use it in a game. ;)
Voted Cheka Man
July 31, 2005, 7:04
5/5-I really like this.
Voted Dragon Lord
August 2, 2005, 9:55
PC: So, he's gonna hit me with a lamppost
GM: Yep
PC: I parry
GM: You get crushed under your own shield - it's a really BIG lamppost - oh, and by the way, you're on fire


I just LOVE this item - guaranteed to scare the pants off any munchkin PCs in your party (always a desirable quality)

5/5 - mainly coz I made me laugh
Voted Roack
August 10, 2005, 15:30
Could start an ogre religion too, which only makes it more dangerous, not only do PCs have to deal with a big ogre that will beat them with a lampost, they have to deal with his fanatic ogre worshipers.
Voted Zylithan
November 29, 2005, 15:44
I think it's all been said. bravo sir.
Voted Murometz
March 8, 2006, 0:44
what Zylithan said
Voted Strolen
April 23, 2008, 20:49
It is entertaining, fun, and unique subs like this that make it all worth it. :) I love DL's comment too!
December 20, 2008, 0:44
Hilarious and clever!
Voted valadaar
April 9, 2013, 13:29
I could see something like this being used in the game Borderlands by a boss, or a zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies.

I really like this.


  • Associated ideas.
  • ogre

Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

Sleeping Knights

       By: Cheka Man

A rumour of the knights of some powerful king that sleep until danger threatens the kingdom.

The truth is that they were rebels, trying to split the kingdom. Once captured they were put into an enchanted sleep, protected from age and harm, until their aims have been carried out by others in which case they will awaken.

There is a loophole in the spell in that trying to take one of their weapons will also awaken them.

Ideas  ( Lifeforms ) | June 23, 2008 | View | UpVote 1xp

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