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January 22, 2007, 8:05 pm

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Darkness Glemers

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The Darkness Glemers are a group of people who condem others to the Darkness. They are followers of Lord Sen. These people are not human in many cases. Humans call them Freaks of Nature others would prefer them to dis belivers of god but what they are really about is the Abyss. Bringing creatures, demons and death angels into the land of the living. They do have magical powers within the gems and weapons they carry. But in the spirit world their magical ablities are as powerful as Lady Shayla. From obtaining the powers of Lord Sen and the book of the dark magic, all things would be able to come to an end. But since when the day Lady Shayla sacrificed her life, they were exiled away into a place called The Touchstones of Death…....

When It all Began

When lady shayla became goddess of the land, her half brother came to utopia. Lady shayla treated her brother with many respects and brought him into the light of her life. His jealousy and unkindness to the castle grew and grew. Then he became unholy. With his sister being goddess of the land he was left in the shadows. One night a horrible dream came to him.
Within his dream he was king while his sister was in the shadows. Then darkness took over his dream. A dark and evil man was sitting within a throne room. The dark man was calling him, to come and join in with the darkness with him.
Then suddenly he awoke from his dream. The night was still very dark, so he left from the castle. Backed with only a sword and shield, lady shayla’s brother adventure into the night. As he pressed on through the night he had found nothing of good fortune. He then began to think that it was just a dream, but then he saw a large black rock within the distance. When he came up to the large rock, he pressed his hand against it. Then he was forced back by a dark force. A Huge dark castle a-rose in the dark night. As the castle a-rose from the ground the doors began to open. When the boy walked within the dark castle, he soon enough came across the throne room.. And there he was the dark figure that had entered his dreams. The dark figure perswaded the boy to stay and became the next in line for the dark throne. The boy accpected the destiny of being the next in line for the throne. Many, many years had passed. The boy learnt dark and very evil magic. He learnt how to summon the creatures of the dark and how to use the magic wisely. The boy’s name was lost through out history and soon enough he forgot it him self. As the last year of his training came to an end, he was then crowned the Dark king. Since the new king was of the same blood line as lady shayla, of dragon blood his powers were incredible highten. Plus having the touch stones of death in his hands his powers were god like.

The Darkness Gleamers

When in the rule of the Evil King. He became aware that people in the spirit world were dying, and were passing onto the next. So he summoned a group of very powerful mages and witches. They were called the Darkness Gleamers. Far to the south of the Unholy castle, lied a cave called the Touchstones of Death. These crystals and gems alike would provide dark magic powers to the ones who held them. Some of them were put into the staffs and wands of the Darkness Gleamers. When the Evil king had proposed a proposal to his new minions, they accepted straight away. They were promised a part of the land in the spirit world and the physical world. But if they were able to bring people to the spirit world, from the physical world.

Their outfits/weapons

Their clothes were ever forbidden to become dirty in any case. They wore long hooded robes. Black of course. it was also forbidden to take their hoods off to humans and others. The Darkness Gleamers had to be a sacred group of dark magi. Their weapons were made from darkened crystals of light. These crystals that had the power of light were only used so, that light magic was not able to touch them. But since they were the darkened crystals of light, they also supported dark magic, very heavily. The staffs and wands had a sought of medium sized pocket on them, so that the gems and stones were able to press power into the weapon, when they casted a spell. When the spell was cast, the power was so powerful that it would even sweep the caster away at least a hundred feet. Until they were able to control it correctly.

Their Exile

When Lady Shayla escaped from the clutches of her brother’s place in the Abyss, she searched out for Mount. Doom. The time when she was wondering the land, she went to look for her pet dragon. When she came across her beloved, crystal friend that had looked after her for so long, they flew together to Mount. Doom. When they had arrived at the summit, the Darkness Gleamers were standing within her way so that she was not able to preform the ritual. After a battle of long hard magic, the darkness gleamers were finally defeated. After their defeat, they awoke from a slumber. To find them slefs within the dark midst of the Abyss. They vowed to seek total revenge upon the women that put them their but, since ever that day she has never been found. Even when she gave her life. But Now that the new evil king has a risen hopefully she will return….....



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Comments ( 4 )
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valadaar
December 4, 2006, 11:22
0xp
There are a large number of grammatical and spelling problems in this post. The intent and ideas are there, but the presentation needs work.

Just looking at the summary yields:

Humans call them Freaks of Nature others would prefer them to dis belivers of god but what they are really about is the Abyss.

You need a 'while' between Nature and 'others' to join the sentance, and it is not clear what you mean by 'what they are really about is the Abyss'.

Spelling/Grammar aside, there are a lot of places where cliche's are used, and further clarification is needed.

I would suggest moving this sub to in work (advice requested) and ask for some frank recommendations from the others on this site. I believe that with a fair amount of work, a good sub can be made from this initial idea.

You may also consider linking your other subs together (such as Lady Shayla).

I'll hold off on my vote for now.
Voted zekna
December 20, 2006, 23:04
0xp
hey dude you need to pm me some time but this post looks good but instead of what they are really about is the Abyss you need something like "but the faith that they connected to the most was the darkness in the Abyss" well something better than what i put to but something.
also i think you need to explain what the Abyss is because you just say what you get out of it but not what it really means any way see ya
MoonHunter
December 21, 2006, 0:38
0xp
Thank you. See, it is not just me or "us".
Voted MoonHunter
December 21, 2006, 0:38
0xp
Okay. Lets click off the basics.... The same things are wrong each and every time, though this one is more ambitious and tantalizingly interesting.

You have great ideas, but you are unable to communicate them. Is your native language Mâori? If it is English, and you are over 15, your English Teachers needs to be taken out back and shot, or at least beaten.

I Want YOU TO FIND A WORD PROCESSING PROGRAM WITH AN ENGLISH SPELL CHECKER AND GRAMMAR CHECKER. I want you to run them. I want you to make corrections. The spelling is not off in this case, but your grammar is atrocious.

Your sections/ paragraphs ramble on with no focus. Each paragraph has a single purpose (until you start writing fiction). Determine what that purpose is. Every sentence in the paragraph must add to that purpose. I want you to make one idea clear and explained at one time. Each paragraph has one or two lines which link it to the next section/ paragraph.

You need to keep your naming consistent. Is the Evil King and the Dark King one and the same? Lady Shayla is the First Goddess? These things need to be explained.

How was she imprisoned? That was not explained anywhere.

There are a ton of issues with this one. Edit it please, or we will recycle it.

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