Full Item Description
This item is a small brass bell, about the size of a small mouse. It is made of brass but has a slight green tint (for reasons that are unknown). It has a wooden handle.
It has the power, if a person rings it, to do make a Sonic attack around the holder(not effecting the holder of course). This sonic attack Penetrates armor and nocks the victim(s) off there feet.
There are a good number of sonic bells in existence(though the number is unknown). the first one was created by a evil wizard, payed by the theives guild to make small, portable weapons, that don’t look like weapons. This was because many citys outlawed common people from owning or carrying weapons or using magic.
These bells have been mostly used by theives but they have found other owners.
Sonic ,armor piercing, stunning attack can only be used 1 time a day.
if broken it creates a even more powerful attack(about four times the normal power).
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? Responses (5)-5
A good idea but it lacks a proper backstory and the stats are off-putting.
Okay, there is a seed of a good idea here, but the submission is simply not ready.
1. Several sentences do not have the first word capitalized.
2. Periods need to have two spaces following.
3. Commas follow text without a space, and have a single space afterwards.
4. Several spelling errors - nocks, citys.
If you need a good spellchecker, use Firefox as your browser, or download openoffice, both of which are free and easy to use.
Please, I do not like having to point this stuff out to people - when you leave this many errors in your text, it looks like you simply do not care enough about your sub. If you don't, why should we?
Simply addressing my four points above would bring your sub to a 2.5, making it resound more with better details and perhaps a colorful backstory would earn an even better rating.
Well. Where to begin...
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar: it's really distracting, but a good enough sub could overcome that. However... there isn't much of an idea there, I'm afraid. So it's a concealed weapon. Okay. And it's green, "for reasons that are unknown," which is the most interesting detail in the sub.
By the way, your thieves' guild was looking for a stealthy, concealable weapon. Sonic attacks are not stealthy. The evil wizard needs to go back to the drawing board. (Is it possible to put a "silencer" on a sonic effect, or does he need to use some other form of attack?)
By the way (part 2), about the evil wizard: Sure, he's working for the thieves' guild, but there are enough non-evil thieves and thieves' guilds in fantasy that making magic items for one doesn't automatically make a wizard evil. This detail needs to either be defined or removed.
Update: Back to your work pile to bring it up to standards.
are not all bells sonic?