30 Talking Magical Weapons
Occasionly magical weapons will be given the power to speak, and with that in mind I present thirty magical weapons with the powers of speech and their own distinct personalities. Feel free to add your own.
1-The Pacifist Pike
Perhaps it was created that way as a wizard's idea of a joke, or maybe it was made that way to teach a really hot-headed warrior to behave, but this talking spear, in all but the most dire cases, does not want to kill people, and in a fight will constantly try to appeal to the best natures of both fighters in a whining, pleading tone. It's not totally useless though; it will parry blows expertly, disarm an opponent if it can, hit with the flat of the spear blade and even, in a life or death matter, injure an opponent pretty badly with a slash to the arm or a stab to a kneecap, but it will never kill someone or something if it can avoid it, even Undead.
2-The Fighting Falchion
This talking halberd has the opposite problem; it yearns to fight and kill people and things, even when that would be the wrong thing to do or would get it's owner jailed or executed for certain. It swears at people, wiggles itself to knock over someone's beer or hit someone with the handle , begs it's owner to be used on someone, and in a fight always, always tries to strike maiming and killing blows, and as such cannot be used for sparring for fun. If it's owner tries to hide from a fight, it gives away his or her position so it can fight. Having said that, it's a very effective magical weapon, turning even a poor fighter into a good one and a good one into an expert one.
3-The Drunken Dagger
To gain the full benefits of this magical knife, it needs to be put into a mug of alcohol, the stronger the better, and left that way for a while. Normally drunkenness may increase determination but greatly detracts from performance. Not so with this dagger-when left long enough in neat vodka, it's parrying ability is the same as a longsword and it can inflict some very serious and often fatal wounds. But after a few hours it loses this ability slowly as it "sobers up" and needs to be put into alcohol again to regain it's powers . Merely pouring alcohol on the blade will give it the same powers as a +1 dagger in stats terms, it only fights really well when wasted and it will slur drunken obscenities when fighting.
4-The Racist Rapier
Whilst this rapier has no problem in fighting and killing white people, it's full powers only come out when being used against non white humans, and other races such as Orcs, Goblins, ect. In which case it will twirl and strike expertly in the hand of it's owner providing a huge bonus to skill and in damage inflicted. When it sees anyone but a white person in the street, it will yell racist abuse of the most vile kind to try and goad it's target into fighting it's owner, and this includes when it sees a non-white law enforcement officer or noble. Being magical, it can take blows forceful enough to break the blade of a non-magical rapier. Because of it's vile racism, it resists being wielded effectively by anyone but a white person.
5-The Sexist Scimitar
Forged in a desert country where women were treated as second class citizens at best and beasts of burden at worst, and were certainly not allowed to handle weapons, this scimitar will fight males happily enough but reserves it's full slicing and parrying powers when used against women or female creatures, shouting sexist insults at them the entire time of the fight, such as "Get back to the kitchen!" and far ruder stuff. It has a special hatred for sheildmaidens above all, and almost dances in the hand, so eager is it to get at them. The only way a woman or girl can use this weapon effectively is if dressed as a male, and if the scimitar should find out (eg, by the material binding breasts being cut in a fight), it will refuse to help it's owner and will try to twist in the hand and cut her.
6-The Singing Shield
This magical shield is enchanted to withstand even blows with other magical weapons, but likes to sing songs such as "Hit Me Baby One More Time" loudly in battle.
7-The Larcenous Longsword
Perhaps forged by the same person who made the magical and criminal dagger Lawbane , this longsword reserves it's full magical powers of parrying, stabbing and slicing when used in a crime, the more illegal the better. It also quietly tries to talk it's owner into mugging people, robbing shops and other such criminal activities, and acts mildly worse then a non-magical sword in the hands of a very honest and law-abiding person.
8-The Cowardly Cudgel
This club faces, humans,animals and monsters alike with a strike that can range at the owner's discretion from a light tap, to hard enough to shatter a skull into pieces, but has a terrible fear of the Undead, and when it faces them will tremble in the owner's hand, urge the owner to flee, and be too scared to strike any but the lightest blows. Why it is so terrified of the Undead is unknown;perhaps the wizard who enchanted it was so frightened of the Undead that the fear somehow slipped into the magic that powers the club.
9-The Conservationist Cutlass
Made for a Ranger captain who is one of those who guard the Sorcery Springs Geyser Basin this cutlass is best when fighting poachers, vandals and trespassers, but is reluctant to fight animals, Treemen and other such creatures, even more so if they are rare. It will in such cases protest loudly against fighting an endangered species and try and hit with the flat of the blade instead of the sharp edge.
10-The Moaning Mace
This grumpy mace moans sarcastically about everything it can; the weather, the other people it meets, it's owner, and often prophecies doom and gloom, but in a fight, it will happily hit anyone and everything with blows tough enough to dent even full plate armour and shields and to tear through chainmail. It's use in a fight does to some extent make up for it's constant carping and complaining when not in a fight, but many owners get deeply fed up with it.
11- The Apathetic Axe
This mighty battle-axe was used by the dragon hunters of old to cleave through the toughest dragon hide as if it were butter, and to chop collossal chunks of dragonbone into manageable pieces. It has come far since it's days of felling the great wyrms and it finds the opponents of today to be lacking, and will go to great lengths to make them aware of this fact. Against anything less then an enraged dragon you will find your swings to be slow and slugish and the axe prone to simply bouncing off your enemy's armor with a dissapointed sigh.
But against a dragon you will soon learn why the dragons have named it
Items • Melee Weapons • Villanous
I had me a dream once. Just after I *acquired* this here knife. Only the knife was a bit shinier and I was in an alley somewhere. I dunno, maybe it was Brie or Holsten, someplace like that. Anyways, I'm walking down this alley when I comes across some dumb bloke trying to shortcut his way to market. Like *my* alley is a god-d**ned thoroughfare for just anyone!
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? Responses (7)
Ok, most of them are annoying as hell, but would be excellent for a silly campaign :)
I like the Conservationist most: "You want me to strike a Half-Fiend Feral Elder Manticore? Do you have any idea how rare they are? Let's study it instead! Hey, Manticore, can we study your mating habits?"
The Racist and the Sexist could use an edit, though.
Namely, imagine, even non-white people can be racist (a novel thought!) - so its ideology should be based on the creator's. Also the whole "white people are racist" issue is so overdone to the point where one has to triple check what he's saying just to avoid being politically incorrect, to the point where almost anything can be turned into a race argument. Hence, this needs a little more thought.
Also, a sexist is not necessarily violent against women, so it rather should try to humiliate, disarm and spank female opponents rather than actually hurting them. Of course, lewd comments on female party members and derisive on any females outside a female role should be very frequent. For a spin: it may even be exceedingly gallant, courteous and proper around females who accept the traditional female role.
As a list the idea comes across as silly, obvious and heavy handed. The word play and alliteration are cute. Yet I still think this could be a useful addition to a GM binder, unless the players are presented with a catalogue of colourful weapons the nature of these items would become apparent over time, and thus imbued with more subtlety. But again you may have silly or magic heavy campaigns or more "classic" juvenile games in which each players carrys a pallet of legendary weapons with titles such as knasty knife or leacherous lance.
Why. So. Serious?
Gentlemen, this is obviously a silly submission. Let's treat it as such.
1. David 'Dr. Who' Tennant
2. no one came to mind
3. Sean Connery (with full drunken slur)
4. Redneck Randall
5. Groundskeeper Willy
6. Fred Durst or Vanilla Ice
7. Dick Dastardly
8. Fred Jones
9. Stever Erwin
10. Wilford Brimley
Well, Nr2 could sound exactly like Lilarcor from Baldur's Gate 2. 'Hands up, kiddies, who wants to die?'
Or R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket
Hoorah! There can never be too many 30! So let's make some more talking weapons! Meanwhile, my fighter is going to buy some earbuds.....
4 and 5 would be ones wielded by people who shitpost on /pol/.