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NPCs
Mythic/ Historical
Mystical
2.6
5 Votes

3xp


Hits: 3077
Comments: 14
Ideas: 0
Rating: 2.6
Condition: Normal
ID: 3096

Submitted:

Updated:
September 19, 2006, 2:22 pm

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The King of Hingrad

By:

A king so vile and treacherous was cursed many centuries ago to forever roam the earth.  He is now a serf of earths will and shall be anywhere needed to stop the destruction of earths its bueatiful landscapes and creatures.

Full Description

Kain wears a hooded robe of an extravagent purple silk. This robe was enchanted to block all magical spells, charms, and melee attacks leaving Kain only vulnerable to a bards song. Long white hair falls outside the right side of Kains hood and falls to just above Kains knees.
Additional Information

Before Kain was a serf of earth bidding, he murdered his father for rule over the castle of Hingrad. The people loved Kains father, King Kale, and knew Kain murdered him for the throne. All revolters of Kains rule were tortured and killed. The rest of the inhabitors fled the castle and village for the caves of mount furic.

Soon after the Castle was lifeless, a proposal was given to Kain by the goddess of the underworld. Her name is Xayza. Xayza saw Kain as the future king for the dead minions of her underworld domain. She promised Kain a kingdom in the underworld, powers beyond comprehension, plus her hand in marriage. Kain and Xayza grew closer and closer with every passing day. They fell in love that fueled a hatred inside them to tortures earth. Together they conspired a genosidic plan for all humans and other organisms alike.

Kain and Xayza summoned a great skeleton army from the underworld to begin there campaign. None of the other kingdoms knew of the plot on destruction coming for them. The army destroyed everything in its path without warning and without remorse. They burned every tree,and plant. they killed every animal, man, and bird.Soon no part of the world didn’t know about the evil spawning from Hingrad. They all stayed as far away as possible and never engaged the army afraid of it’s terror.  No hero would stand up against such a powerful force.

A teacher of the university of magic and music, who’s named Baden, was on a pilgrimage to the Arcane temple during the terrors climax. The temple held a secret to Badens true potential that was hidden from him as a child by his father. Unfortunately these powers were inside the walls of castle Hingrad and would prove difficult to get to. Baden had waited too long to let anyone stop him from gaining his heritage at any cost, even death.

The bard traveled through the desert, that was formerly a beautiful forest, and saw the skeleton army marching toward him accually headed past him and few thousand miles to the next kingdom, but he was just a few miles away from confrontation. As he neared the frontlines, Baden pulled his flute from his waist, without a breaking his steady walk, and played a tune from the university that would disguise himself in front of the evil creatures. The evil army stepped aside making a road straight to the castle for the bard. They really saw him as Kain walking into the castle but they were manipulated by the spell.

Kain and Xayza were playing in the tormented playground together out in the streets that were lined with dead bodies that would burn eternally for there pleasure. If confrontation could be avoided, Baden did not come here to stop their insanity.  It wasn’t hard to sneak around Kain and Xayza they weren’t prepared for a visitor and were too pre occupied with there own sick pleasures. The temple was very near the entrance.Made of stone and enchanted to resist fire, Baden easily snuck into the temple doors as tranquil as a master thief. Inside the temple Baden realized the temple itself was fireproof, but not the wooden benches that the dead inhabitants used to sit on while listening to the now flaming bodies of the decipals of the temple.

Without hesitation Baden overlooked the desecration and continued to the alter to pray. Complete silence and meditation was necessary in order for the great bard to conjure his fathers spirit to the temple. He knelt to his knees and closed his eyes still facing the alter of the great Lord of earths golden statue. Within minutes Baden fell flat to the floor and his soul became one with the earth.

“Your time has come Baden,“a voice spoke to Baden.

“what…..who are you?” Baden spoke frightened from the cold chill the voice gave him. There was no floor or sky or even light at all where Baden has come to.

The voice spoke out again,“Son your pilgrimage here was for reasons unknown to you. Now earth needs you services for a much greater cause then heritage.”

“father? Where are you,” now Baden wanted to see him….he desired to see his creator whom he had never seen before.
A figure appeared in front Of Baden with a magical aura so bright and beautiful that Baden was engulfed in Joy, and beauty and, happiness all at once.

“Son do not worry at this moment about words and knowlegde, I will show you the way. Soon you will join me here but first you must save earth.”
The figure of Baden’s father put his palm on his forehead, closed his eyes and chanted.
” Great gods of the earth grant on this day the powers of justice and rightousnous to my son Baden who will uphold the duty of protecting our beautiful planet.” As he spoke Baden felt the power of earth flowing through his fathers hand into his body from his head to his toes. At the same time Baden felt the terror that the earth had felt from the destruction of Kain and Xayza’s love. This fight had now become personal. Kain and Xayza not only put the earth through pain, but now Baden also felt it.

The figure vanished and Baden regained consciousness only to find he was surrounded by the Skeleton army. Kain and Xayza stood above him with a single wretched smile. Without a single word Kain raised his mighty sword to pierce Baden straight through the heart. Baden was much too powerful now for melee attacks, the blade shattered into a thousand pieces as soon as it struck him. Kain and Xayza jumped in amazement of the likes of such power before them.  Baden rose with an aura of white light surrounding him. He pulled his flute from his waist once again and played. As the song plays the skeletons surrounding him vanish into the abyss. Now only Kain and Xayza are left to get rid of.
“the love of hatred must never exist and I shall make sure it never is.” Baden said these historical last words to Kain and Xayza before the final chant.
Baden raises his arm and closes his eyes to chant,” Foul creatures of love and hate, forever shall you suffer. Oh Tormentors of death and fate, live immortal forever and shall you suffer.Destroyers of justice on earth, forever shall you be apart,never shall you rebirth.
Oh Kain of Hingrad forever shall you serve as earths serf”
As those words were spoken Xayza cast on fire and fell to the underworld against her will screaming in pain of the horrible burn beginning to form all over her body. Then Kain had chains form around his hands and feet which connected together. Forever shall he roam the earth, cursed with no love and knowingly evil he must save earth from torture and destruction.

Baden, from the exhausting task, fell to the floor. His deed was done, his life was no longer necessary. Above him his father appeared with a smile and motioned Baden to join him. Baden closed his eyes and never opened them again.



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Comments ( 14 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Cheka Man
September 16, 2006, 19:17
0xp
Interesting as an idea, but too badly done for me to vote.It needs rewriting.
Abock
September 17, 2006, 17:14
0xp
Thank you for your honest opinion. After all i am here to become a better writer.
Abock
September 17, 2006, 17:40
0xp
Updated: Updated: I think this is a better explanation of my lifeform and his creation. Im glad you guys are brutally honest, it makes me a better writer.
Pariah
September 17, 2006, 18:39
3xp
GAHGK! I'm gonna start by saying that this is MOST definiately in the wrong place. Not a lifeform, but an npc post. Spell check is next on the list. Those 2 together dropped your post half a point.

Now for the post itself. There's an idea there, I can see that, and with a bit of sparkle and fizz you can hide all the hackneyed old cliches. Another thing is that in the flavor text, you say that he has risen out of the underworld, implying that it was Baden's song that brought him there, but in the story you make no mention of him dying. In fact it seems like you say that he was cursed with immortality. Also, might I suggest that you don't change tenses in the middle of a sentance, unless absolutly nessacary (2nd to last paragraph.)

You also have a problem that's very common, it has to do with homophones (words that sound the same but are spelled different.) Until the English language makes more sense, you're gonna have to watch to make sure you don't put in too many of these. Also remember that possesives have an apostrophe.

I also find it hard to believe that four great kings would let a lowly bard/teacher overhear them talking about matters of national importance. I know that I wouldn't want any stupid, blabbering commoner listening to me talk about how we're not going to be able to beat a horde of skeletons. And then I know for a fact I would have laughed in the face of any aforementioned commoner when he came up to me and told me, the king, not to worry about it.

I don't expect gramatical perfection out of anyone on this site, and I understand that English might not be your first language. God knows how hard it is, I've been speaking it for the past 15 years of my life and I still have problems with it, but there are plenty of people here that struggle through and write better than many native speakers. Also, read through some of the posts in the NPC section that have gotten a 4.5->5 rating. That's what we're looking for in a post.
Abock
September 17, 2006, 18:56
0xp
thank you,
I regret to inform you that I am a native but only a senior in highschool. Everything you said helped me greatly though I will continue to work on it.
Voted Cheka Man
September 17, 2006, 19:06
Only voted
Abock
September 18, 2006, 17:58
0xp
Updated: I will revise it again when I return but for now I think this is much better. If you read this within the next 3 hours go easy on me until I get back okay thanks.
Abock
September 18, 2006, 19:11
1xp
Updated: Okay I hope this is better. I personally really like this piece now and can take pride in the story, maybe not the writing, but the idea is enjoyable.
Voted Pariah
September 18, 2006, 21:25
0xp
All right. It's a lot better than before. It doesn't leave me with as many unanswered questions. You still need a little help with grammer and word choice, but if you keep trying you'll get a lot better. My suggestion is to read different kind of books by different authors than you normally do. Also your line breaks kinda fell apart towards the very end.

All in all it's now a decent submission. Congrats.
Voted Shadoweagle
September 19, 2006, 3:30
1xp
Let me just say one thing, Abock: Your attitude towards criticism is very commendable. We get people that join this site once in a while who make a poor post, and then when we pick it to pieces, they get upset and leave. Your positive learning attitude will help you become a great poster with practice, so thumbs up to that! :) Now! Onto the submission:

Please pay attention to where things should be posted. This should be posted in the NPC section. An NPC is a "Non Player Character", which basically is any specific intelligent lifeform.
Here's an example of the differences between NPC's and Lifeforms.
NPC's: King Arthur, Merlin, George Bush, Count Dracula.
Lifeforms: Homo Sapien, Felines, dragons, vampires.

The grammar and sentence structure of your posts make reading it feel a bit awkward. What I suggest to fix this, is that you should write out your entire submission, then submit is as "In work: Hidden". Leave it for a day, then come back to it and read over it. If it doesn't make sense, THEN edit it and post it. You tend to find a lot more mistakes when your ideas and thoughts aren't in your head.
Furthermore, this website comes with a 'spell check' button - it's there for a reason, and it's better to use it than to have someone take points off a submission because of a few silly mistakes.

Now, apart from those problems, it's obvious you have some good ideas in you - I can see where you're going with this submission, and it's not a bad idea.

Anyway. Don't be discouraged by low marks - we all start somewhere; some of us at the very bottom! Good luck in future ideas!
Abock
September 19, 2006, 14:20
0xp
Thank you very much for your advice. I will try to catagorize things better next time. When I found this sight I was looking for a place to practice and learn from better writers; So my attitude is about learning as much as you will teach me.
Strolen
September 19, 2006, 13:37
0xp
Updated to NPC. Please update the subcategories.

Awesome job on the updates!!! Hang in there, the great people here will get you there!
Voted Murometz
September 19, 2006, 16:25
Only voted
Voted valadaar
May 29, 2013, 9:50
0xp
A good start, though the power level of the Robe puts this into the 'mythical' category and seems more like fiction.

There is good detail here, but its virtually all background and little on how this nearly indestructible fellow would be used.


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