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1.67

3 Votes

3xp

ID:4981
Hits:1669
Comments: 3
Ideas: 0
Rating:1.66666667
Condition: In Work (Request Advice)

Submitted:
April 18, 2008, 10:40 pm
Updated:
May 26, 2009, 2:49 pm





 
Sonic Bell
By: cloudncali

A small brass bell…with a deadly power.

Full Item Description
This item is a small brass bell, about the size of a small mouse. It is made of brass but has a slight green tint (for reasons that are unknown). It has a wooden handle.

It has the power, if a person rings it, to do make a Sonic attack around the holder(not effecting the holder of course). This sonic attack Penetrates armor and nocks the victim(s) off there feet.
History
There are a good number of sonic bells in existence(though the number is unknown). the first one was created by a evil wizard, payed by the theives guild to make small, portable weapons, that don’t look like weapons. This was because many citys outlawed common people from owning or carrying weapons or using magic.

These bells have been mostly used by theives but they have found other owners.
Magic/Cursed Properties
Sonic ,armor piercing, stunning attack can only be used 1 time a day.

if broken it creates a even more powerful attack(about four times the normal power).



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Comments ( 3 )
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Voted Cheka Man

2008-04-21 09:38 PM
Link: [4981#64767|text]
0xp
A good idea but it lacks a proper backstory and the stats are off-putting.
Voted valadaar

2008-04-22 10:07 AM
Link: [4981#64775|text]
0xp
Okay, there is a seed of a good idea here, but the submission is simply not ready.

1. Several sentences do not have the first word capitalized.
2. Periods need to have two spaces following.
3. Commas follow text without a space, and have a single space afterwards.
4. Several spelling errors - nocks, citys.

If you need a good spellchecker, use Firefox as your browser, or download openoffice, both of which are free and easy to use.

Please, I do not like having to point this stuff out to people - when you leave this many errors in your text, it looks like you simply do not care enough about your sub. If you don't, why should we?

Simply addressing my four points above would bring your sub to a 2.5, making it resound more with better details and perhaps a colorful backstory would earn an even better rating.
Voted Misanpilgrim

2008-04-22 04:27 PM
Link: [4981#64798|text]
0xp
Well. Where to begin...

Spelling, punctuation, and grammar: it's really distracting, but a good enough sub could overcome that. However... there isn't much of an idea there, I'm afraid. So it's a concealed weapon. Okay. And it's green, "for reasons that are unknown," which is the most interesting detail in the sub.

By the way, your thieves' guild was looking for a stealthy, concealable weapon. Sonic attacks are not stealthy. The evil wizard needs to go back to the drawing board. (Is it possible to put a "silencer" on a sonic effect, or does he need to use some other form of attack?)

By the way (part 2), about the evil wizard: Sure, he's working for the thieves' guild, but there are enough non-evil thieves and thieves' guilds in fantasy that making magic items for one doesn't automatically make a wizard evil. This detail needs to either be defined or removed.
valadaar

2009-05-26 02:49 PM
Link: [4981#71821|text]
0xp
Update: Back to your work pile to bring it up to standards.

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While setting up camp for the night, the PC's are aproached by another group of adventurers who seem nice enough. The road is somewhat dangerous and the other group suggests camping together. The two bands split watches, one adventurer from each group watching at once. The night goes by without incident, the next day the PC's travel with the other group as they are going the same way. The group consists of Hordel the ranger, who is skilled with the bow. Hordel is a quiet man who speaks little but appears quite skilled. Dremar is a barbarian who is a little excentric, he seems to be an excasive drinker and thiunk that battle is the solution to everything. He appears to be a stout and powerful fighter with his greataxe. Ferrin is the leader of the group, a rouge by trade. He is daft and witty, speaking with the PCs often and asking many questions. He fights with finesse with his rapier. Preminitat as a cleric but he will not say which god he worships. He uses his spells to empower and heal his party and fights with a club. He sticks close to Ferrin. Ferrin is a great talker and tells much of himself and his party, but asks even more about the history and capabilities of the PCs. He tells of some adventures his party has had, and they seem like an interesting group of mercenaries. Hordel is quite and has little interest in speaking with the PCs, he ignores most questions. He spends a lot of time with Dremar and sometimes Ferrin. Dremar seems to not care about any questions ansked to him, nor does he seem to know the answers. He seems battle hardened and is a simple man. Preminitat rarely starts conversations but will speak with the PCs. However, some of his accounts of the party's history seem to condradict those of Ferrin. The Party spends another night and day with Ferrin's group. One of four things can happen on the third night. 1: While eating dinner around the fire, Ferrin gets into an argument with one of the PCs when he/she mentions the discepincies between Ferrin's stories and Preminitat's. 2: Hordel gets mad after repeated questioning about his life from the PCs. 3. Preminitat gets mad after repeated questioning from the PCs about what god he worships. 4: One of the PCs rejects the offer of a drink from Dremar and he takes it as an insult. All of these scenarios result in a battle between the parties. If Ferrin's party is defeated and still lives he swears vengance. His party may then cross paths with the adventurers again.
By: Almar | UpVote