Xander
Do you know what this means? asked the healer, staring earnestly at the boy from beneath his bushy white eyebrows.
Xander shook his head, his lip trembling.
'No.'
The healer's felt a rush of sympathy for the child. he reminded him of Shalleah somehow. 13 years was such a young age to die.
'You have but three months left.' he said slowly and softly. Each word rang solitarily through the room, and though they were whispered they had more impact then anything the young boy had ever heard before.
Special Equipment:
sword with blood memory ( ability to glow when a person whose blood it has tasted is nearby)
Appearance:
Xander:
Dark brown loose curls
honey-flecked deep brown eyes
tanned skin
nose dipps slightly upwards
has an awkward, lopsided grin
has a tallent for sword-play, archery, and JUGGLING
Sensitive, understanding, passionate
Background:
Xander is washed up on the coast of Mica Island and is discovered by a group of children playing on the beach. The Children bring his unconscious body to the the town healer, who heals Xander's exterier wounds. However, when trying to heal deeper he finds that it isn't possible. When Xander wakes up, the healer tells him that he has a terrible illness that he can't place his finger on, and that he has only about three months to live. He asks him how he got this illness and if he knew what it was, but Xander had completely lost his memory. (ties in to story later)
Roleplaying Notes:
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? Responses (8)
You mean there aren't any comments?
How this character could be improved:
He needs to have a backstory and a past. Don't tell us that Xander doesn't remember his memory. That's bad writing.
How did he get this sword with blood memory?
Is English your first language? I'd like to know before I go into your grammar.
I rate it a...
2/5.
Thanks for the tips. (:
There are a few things I have to set straight though in the areas of memory loss. Throughout the story he has dreams that eventually merge into the present tense. At the end of the book he finally realizes who is really is. It is kind of sad what happens. I especially like the part where he wakes up in the hospital bed with a sprig of Lavender in his hand.
A lot of things happen, and it would take me FOREVER to write everything down.
We are a patient bunch. Please feel free to keep editing the character until it is complete.
1) Even if your character does not remember, include the highlights of their life. Things will come back to haunt you. Especially if you have exceptional skills and equipment, those had to come from somewhere or someone. Those people might still have 'business' with the character.
2) Again, where did the sword come from? (Cool bit with the blood memory).
3) If English is not your native language, then feel free to write up the entry in your native tongue, then go to altavista or similar translation site and do a basic translation. Then go through and 'fix' it with your knowledge of what you wanted to say and English.
4) Details, Details, Details. We need details to better understand the character. Without them, the character is mostly useless to those who read it. (Now on a story site, it would be no to bad.. but here it is).
Details show that you actually cared about your post, enough to invest a little time and effort into it. Without them (or an explanation as to why they are not there), posts look, 'dashed off'. If it appears the poster does not care, why should any of the commenters or readers?
I am going to withold voting until you can update it some more.
Man, that intro had me hooked! If you could give us what you alluded with the sickness I think there would be a great post in there!
Great hook, no line or sinker...
Art: Full Point - Elegant and simple in concept, beautifully conceived.
Craft: Full Point - Well written and complete, no words wasted.
Style: Full Point - Very nicely phrased, puts me right in the moment
Substance: Full Point - Really says everything that needs to be said. The entire idea is fully expressed and fleshed out.
Extra Mile: Full Point - It's clear the author cared very much about his subject and made the effort to show us.
5/5 I'd vote this into the hall of honor if I could.
Sadly, the system won't let me vote on comments.
Meanwhile, I've been waiting TEN YEARS for the author to finish this sub! C'mon!