Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path part 18

We hadn't gone 200 yards when Ellen cried out 'MALCOLM, WAIT!' Her voice could get pretty darn loud and Malcolm stopped the car with a jerk. Ellen ran up and pulled the back door open, hopping inside. 'Change of plans. Malcolm, find a beach. A nice, quiet beach.'

I paused, looking up from the seat and twitching one ear. I opened my mouth, then remembered the pain associated with speaking when shifted, and carefully nosed my way back into my dress and changed back, privately impressed I was able to keep it mostly in place.

'A beach?' I looked at her puzzled, briefly wondering if a boat would be waiting.

Malcolm put the car back in gear. Ellen typed really fast on her phone, then tossed the phone over the front seat and raised the privacy partition. 'A beach.'

I fished around in my purse, trying to find my phone and check the tide tables.

'Yes I gathered that part, but why?' I blinked in confusion, dropping my phone as I realized the tide tables were a moot point, it wasn't like we were going swimming.

Ellen moved over, to sit closer. 'I just suddenly thought, hey, it's December. Beach weather.' She smiled. and reached out to hold my hand. 'So lets go to the beach.' She sighed. 'I just could really use a break., you know?'

I flinched at the touch, but only for a fraction of a second, grabbing tight onto her hand before relaxing and tracing its curves with my finger tips, It was odd, I barely remembered what a human hand felt like. I grinned at the comment of beach weather, noting the temperature outside was barely twenty degrees above freezing.

Ellen gave my hand a squeeze saying, 'If you want to shift, go ahead, I don't mind. Or if you want to lay down, I can move a bit and you can rest your head on my leg.'

'I've got a fur coat when needed, but won't you be a little chilly?' I kept my slow tracing of Ellens fingers, tenderly flowing over each nail and knuckle as I closed my eyes and pondered the question for a moment before shaking my head and gesturing for Ellen to slide over.

'I'll shift when we get to the beach, for now, your lap sounds perfect.'

Ellen slid over, smoothing out her skirt to make a nice lap for me. 'I'll be fine.'

I nodded, wondering if Ellen could generate heat with sound, but chose not to ask, realizing it was none of my business really.

I sighed contentedly as she felt the softness of Ellen's skirt, her feminine scent a welcome change from the wild odors I had become accustomed to, the taint of airport fuel and more recently the antiseptic tang of the hospital.

'You smell lovely.' I breathed, hoping Ellen would take it as the compliment the intended and nothing perverse.

She reached down and gave my back a vigorous but gentle scratching. 'Thank you. I used to use a Vanilla musk to lure Sarah, but she's proven impervious to my charms so it's a jasmine and lavender scent now, suits me better, don't you think?'

I inhaled again, deeper this time, biting back the amorous comments that rose to my mind, only nodding, my hand reaching up to softly trace the outline of Ellen's kneecap, feathering it with my delicacy.

'Yes it's definitely you.' I said softly, before continuing. 'What happened to make you suddenly need a break? Is Sarah-' I broke off, unable to complete the sentence, and not really wanting to know if the answer was what I feared, sometimes uncertainty was better then painful truths. Much better.

Ellen gave a small laugh as I played with her knee. 'That tickles.' Then, 'No... Sarah's fine. I've just... pretty much lived at the hospital since Sunday. I thought a break would be nice, and you're here, and I thought why let you off the hook that easily? So a drive to the beach, maybe something to eat. Who knows... maybe this will finally be the day I work up the courage to go raptor riding.'

I lifted my head and started to look back to meet my friends gaze, before rediscovering human necks weren't quite so flexible. 'You really have gained some confidence since college, Stella's a good influence on you.' I patted Ellen's leg approvingly.

I rested back on her lap and reached out, gently guiding Ellen's head to my hair, 'You're lucky to have her you know, cosmically lucky.'

She planted her other hand flat on my back, and set about sending relaxing pulses into my muscles. 'You were a good influence first. I'd never have let myself love her without you to help me open up. I mean... the church girl and the celebutante?'

I leaned back arching into the pulses, laughing lightly at the absurdity.

'As if a church would let you through the door without pitching holy water at you.' I scoffed, reaching back out to rub Ellen's leg, as if slowly reacquainting myself with how a human appendage felt.

'Lesbianism and Delta abilities are both pretty well shunned last I recalled.' I shrugged indifferently, 'That I can shift into creatures not covered in their text was all I needed to know to know to decide their text didn't apply to me.' I reach up to fondle my necklace.

'Besides, I'm more of a tribal girl these days.'

Ellen laughed. 'That about sums up how I felt for a long time. And some churches are pretty hateful. But I found mine way back. And I never really left the most important things behind.' Ellen's hand moved up, relieving tensions along muscles in my upper back. 'I'm just trying to live the best I can. And I figure if God didn't want me to be a lesbian, I wouldn't be.'

'Remember our wedding? The preacher? She came from that horrible hate church.'

I let out a short barking laugh, blushing at the memory of the wedding. 'I rather thought she seemed a bit out of place presiding over two blushing brides,' I paused to sigh in comfort before continuing, 'I got anointed as a feathered goddess in Africa, so I'm probably not the best judge of religion dear.' I winced at the old nick name, some habits died hard. 'I mean Ellen.'

'Not at all. Grace brings the most important message of all, the only one that really matters. And she brought it out of out a group that literally laughs and cheers when something bad happens to soldiers just because our country doesn't hate us enough.'

'What message?' I asked out of curiosity, remembering the messages the tribals imparted to me.

'In the words of the great prophets Bill and Ted, Be excellent to one another,' She said in mock seriousness.

I smiled at the simplicity of the message, shaking my head. 'The tribals gave me a different message, they honored me for killing, and entrusted me with the spirit of a dead child, A child I let die.'

I felt the moisture welling to her eyes at the memory, I squeezed them shut, fighting the urge to shift into something without tear ducts.

Ellen paused, well her hand paused, but still vibrated gently. 'So... you stood there, waved your hand, and said, go ahead, I don't care! ?'

'Nearly so, I saw him raise the pistol and I watched, I saw him tighten his finger on the tiger and I watched.' I paused at the memory.

'No that's not quite the truth of it, it's more complicated than that, let me start from earlier, if you want to hear the whole thing?' I squirmed about, looking up at Ellen, my voice begging her not to make her recollect the tale, my eyes pleading with her to let me tell the events and at least share some of the tragedy.

Ellen shook her head. 'I can't imagine what that was like. But... you're only human, for all you can do some remarkable things. You didn't allow, or permit that girl to die. No more than Sarah allowed that cop to die. Failing to prevent isn't allowing.'

'It's more complicated than that,' and slowly, over several minutes I recounted the beginning of my African blood bath, my voice broke in a series of wracked sobs as I finished recounting Kiala 's death, and I clutched tightly to Ellen's skirt, gathering myself to continue.

Ellen leaned down and wrapped arms around me. 'Count the living, Evie. I don't know what else to say. You couldn't stop one death, but you stopped others. You were brave and strong and beautiful and fierce.'

I smiled, hearing words similar to the tribal's, but coming from the lips of a beloved friend made them ring truer. 'There's more, if you hear the rest and still think I'm not a monster needing to be put down I'll believe you.' I sighed, feeling stronger inside, the support of my friend chasing away the shadows for now, some of them anyway.

The back of the limo was spacious, and Ellen shrugged out from under me and moved to the floor, leaving me to lay on the seat while she sat facing me from between the two seats, forward and back. She leaned her head down, resting it right in front of mine.

'You've taken life, but not like I have, for me, it was different, if you can stomach my retelling' MY voice was hesitant, fearing refusal, but expecting it none the less.

'There's nothing you can say that will make me think that,' She said, looking me in the eye. I smiled, pondering if my friend was truly that strong, or that naive. 'Don't say I didn't warn you.'

I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to well to the surface in all their vivid detail, describing in visceral detail how the lives of those petty warlords ended, in carnage and spilled entrails and the roar of primal fury mingled with ecstasy and soul crushing loss.

At the end of my tale Ellen leaned in the last inch and kissed me. 'None of this changes anything. Details don't matter. You were protecting people. It feels good to protect, to help, to guard. You just confused the sources of your emotions. I told you, I felt the same when I protected Sarah. And last Sunday when I protected the neighborhood from a riot.'

I nodded hesitantly, the kiss feeling both welcome, and a reminder of more, my desire to reconnect with another human,

'But the slaughter, it was gruesome, and part of me enjoyed it.' I felt the tears flowing openly at the memories, wishing I had acted sooner, saved Kiala instead of staring down her murderer.

Ellen hugged me. 'So... you reveled in it? You enjoyed it?'

'The animal part of me yes, it felt primal, natural, and knowing they were rabid things in need of killing just made it feel better.' I stared down at the floor, grateful Ellen was so close to me.

'They were evil men, they wanted those children for, stuff.' I shuddered, unable to elaborate on what she'd over herd them discussing before my intervention. 'The boys for their militia, the girls for...' She closed my eyes for a moment, and felt my hand tightening into a fist. 'Worse things'.

Ellen nodded before lifting herself up and looking outside. We were still in the city. She reached for the partition, and lowered it a little, enough to be heard. 'Malcolm, pull over, please.' With a slow jerk the limo rolled to a stop seconds later.

I sat up, placing a hand on the door handle feeling a sense of calm at the expected rejection. 'I understand, I'll go.' I couldn't blame Ellen for being repulsed, the reaming human side me was revolted enough for the both of us.

'You've inspired me. Lets go out there and kills some people. There's lots of people around.' Ellen's eyes lit up and she grinned. 'C'mon. It'll be fun.'

I laughed despite myself at the absurdity of the suggestion, especially from someone as gentle as Ellen, 'They're the wrong color, in here.' I touched a hand to my chest, suddenly feeling a way to connect her animal and human sides with a simple gesture.

'The ones who are sick here, are the ones people like us should be hunting,' I gestured to the city, 'Most of them, they're the ones we're supposed to be looking after.' I paused as I internalized the point Ellen was trying to unsubtly to make. 'I get it, you're saying hunting monsters doesn't make us monsters, right?' I grinned a little at the childish logic.

'Not quite. I don't think we should go hunting at all. But you got most of my point. You're not a monster.' She corrected me gently, turning back to the driver. 'Malcolm, we've changed our minds. No mass murder today. To the beach.' The driver only nodded and the car pulled into traffic as Ellen put the privacy partition back in place.

I smiled again, more readily, wondering what the poor limo driver thought of the unusual conversation. 'Keep it up and your wife will be needing to give him counseling.' I joked, feeling almost ill at ease now the moment had passed.

'I might not be a monster now after all,' I said hesitantly, searching for the words that would wouldn't give the wrong impression, 'But it's the future that worries me, sometimes I have trouble connecting, remembering my humanity, it's why I wanted to-' I smiled, trusting her friend would know what she meant, 'It helps me reconnect, remember what it's like to be human, and more importantly that it's good to be human.'

I have her an appreciative smile, 'It's just easy to lose myself sometimes, and not even care or notice what I've lost.'

Ellen leaned back down now, hugging me. 'Nothing's lost. You give it away... or you keep it.'

I returned the embrace, pulling her close, feeling her warmth, remembering closer, warmer times. 'It's remembering the reasons why I should bother to keep it that I worry about forgetting.'

Ellen pulled me close, and her hand began to vibrate slightly as she kissed me deeply.

I hesitated briefly, wondering about our earlier promise to her wife, then recalled she also said her wife would let her be with me if she wanted to, and I stopped resisting, giving in to what my body demanded, what my humanity desired.