Tall, with a bit of a thin built, Phillip commands all he sees with his piercing blue eyes, that contrast with his long flowing, raven black hair. even though his past has lead him to be suspicious over everyone, and seeing plots everywhere, Phillip appears a calm, collected person, except when dealing with children, or animals, then he fidgets, wringing his hands and muttering under his breath. He will go out of his way to avoid them, and will not touch them himself. He is also very excitable around fire, and inventions or technology. He tends to pace while he thinks and will often move people around to make a diagram when trying to figure something out.
Phillip Thornblood was born Kevin Williams to a shipwright and his wife, an enchanter who left the Schools of the Arcana for love. His mother was a mediocre enchantress at best (only being able to effect specially prepared inanimate items) and was often reprimanded for not following the laws, and orders, of the Schools. She left the School (received a honorary discharge and was sworn to secrecy) and married Thomas Williams, the brother of her greatest rival in the School. Thomas, and his brother, James, never got along well and this did nothing to help the relationship between the two of them. Thomas was the poorly educated third son of a see merchant, and left the family shortly after James murdered their brother for cheating in cards. Kevin grew up in a fishing town on the ocean, and learned to swim and sail almost before he could walk. His best friend and mentor growing up was an old eccentric gnomish inventor who was always tinkering with something, and put more then a little of that wonder into Kevin. Kevin's mother taught him how to read, write, and do sums when he was young, and as he grew, and it became apparent that he had magical talent, she taught him what little magic she knew in secret, for Thomas did not know that she was an enchanter, and neither did anyone else in their town. He spent his early life working with his father on ships, and making things with the gnome, and secretly trying applying magic to both, often with disastrous results. When he turned fourteen, his uncle found him, and invited him to stay at his home in the city of Durkin (the capital) from a few months. It was there that his uncle found out about his magical knowledge, and realized his nephew's untapped potential, and how much greater it was then his own, he became jealous, and used his political clout in the King's Court to have Kevin's hometown razed to the ground because of unregulated teaching of magic. When Kevin got back from his journey to find his home burnt to the ground, with only the walls around the town left standing, every other stone in the town pulled down, and everything else burnt and a poster with his name on it and a very large reward, he ran, changed his name to Phillip Thornblood, a hero in his favorite book, and has spent the last 17 years wandering from place to place, selling magical rings, traps, magical lockpicks, alchemical explosives and such on the black markets in big cities, and learning what he can, anywhere he can.
Phillip works in the background of his many investments and interests. These are mainly underground, and mostly in the black market, but he is know to have some high royal contacts, and at times has acted as a go-between for interests in court and in the Underground. He has a great interest in the construction of a magical air ship, and is always on the look out for knowledge regarding the enchantment, or construction of such vessels.
Phillip is also an accomplished enchanter, and is always making something, or enchanting items to aid him in a particular task.
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? Responses (10)
Wow. You managed to put a gnomish inventor, revenge against the ones who killed his family and magical airships int oone post! Eeeeek.
Normally I don't say this, I try to be helpful and you can DO better than this, the Background sucks. Conceptionally a potentially interesting character that tanks because of the background you have written.
REALLY: If it is a cliche, work really hard to avoid it. Or if you have to use it, make sure it is done well. You knew you did a bad job, yet you persisted. BAD WRITER. NO DONUT!
Short. Short is bad. Unless you care creating a minor character or an extra, short shows you really didn't think about your post OR you don't care enough about it or your reader to finish it right.
First: Why did he change his name? That is a completely random.
Second: How much magic can Mom know and still be living in this village? She was an enchanter? Was she any good at it? Why is she living in this little town? Was she a banished spell caster from omewhere else? How did he learn any great magics living in Podunk? That is like being an the equivalent of Nuclear Engineer while living in Shilo Ca (and if you don't know where that is... you get the point). Can mom actually teach enchanting to someone who has not attended Guild training? And most mystic traditions forbid teaching of your own children... you can't be strict or disciplined enough with them to teach them properly?
There is just no supporting information that leads into his being a MU of any worth. It is just dropped in like a rock in a pond. Lead the reader into any important point, by dropping clues like rose petals before you put it down.
Third: People can leave town without having their family die? Are you planning on staying in your little hometown AND not going out into the world until someone massacurs you family? I didn't think so. So why should your character be as unmotivated?
You know... you could very easily lose the revenge against the family killing and still have a viable character. In the spirit of a gnomish inventor, you could have your kid blow up enough things that they asked him to leave (or at least go away for a while) and that is why he is out in the world.
Or maybe he just decided it was time to go out into the world and see what he could see.
Or he could just stay in the village and invent.
OR you could actually have him be sedentary, inventing and living in his home village... to be encountered by others seeking his inventions or just passing through. Maybe he will want to go 'to the big city' some day, but have him stay here.
Forth: How did one man kill all those people? He burned the town. Okay. There was nobody in the town? Nobody can fight a fire? Doesn't anyone build anything out of stone there? Who actually did the killing off of the town and how?
Related: Why did he kill off his brother? Would you kill off your brother (okay you might think about it, but actually do it?) What is his Motivation? Is the man Greedy? Does the man want magic items to conquer the territory, the world, or support his secret pirate fleet?
Bad. Bad. Bad. You can do better. Edit this feldercarb.
We are being invaded by Mary Sue carecters. 1/5
I've got a great idea - we could do it in the Flesh it Out Thread, or in the Tavern of Inane Chatter... everobody of the Strolen regulars could post a Mary Sue of his. Could be fun!
Thanks this is want I wanted, maybe I should have put it in the Flesh it Out thread, but some of the stuff I tried to post, didn't show, editing now...
Hey Anteaus. I know you are a gifted fellow. Don't be overly bothered by the criticism (other than that you take it to heart). It is correct, but such a character is something we have ALL made at one point in our GM careers. Try again.
Here's a tip for you, check out these characters:
A good one:
It doesn't have to be good because it is long:
This is a night and day improvement over the original post.
Try to spend some time contemplating your entry before you press that final return. In addition to catching the occasional mispelled word or odd grammeric entry, you can ask yourself the questions that we would ask of a post. Then you can correct them BEFORE we ask them. I usually spend a day or two thinking over a character/ item/ setting post before I do it. Then when I go into it, I am ready to do the posting justice.
If you are posting a character but can't finish it to your satisfaction, do not feel afraid to put bIN PROCESS/b in the listing, so people will hold off commenting on it until you are done. I do this all the time, as I am often writing in bursts.
Thank you all for the encouragement and the very helpful criticism, I would love it if you could continue to help me with this one, so my others will be better, so please keep it coming. Thanks
Added more, and changed some minor things, still working on it.
Interesting, though I am surprised that the uncle would have had the town destroyed without his true target being there. It seems like something that only makes sense to support the background, rather than something that makes sense.
Now, I have not seen the 'before' version and it is decent except for this one concern.