On a frosty winter's night
a wagoned appeared
at the gates of Fort Klugman,
carrying pioneers to the frontier

A young woman in the party
called Delia
was heavy with child.

And though she had journeyed
with the virile young men
for nigh on one year
none had lain with her,
though she was comely

And on this frosty winter's night
young Delia's water broke
Almost freezing her
to the seat of the wagon.

And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers
to grant them entrance
so that she could give birth
to her child
in the hospital there.

But due to an outbreak
of syphilis among the soldiers
the hospital was full.

So there in the stable,
among the feed and tack
and eh, whatsits...
Delia gave birth to a son.
Whom she called Alvis
as was her wont.

And since none of the men
in the party was the father
it was decided among them that
the birth of this child
must truly be a miracle.

And it was so.
For above the fort there
suddenly and miraculously appeared
an awesome and mighty comet.

And so brilliant was its light
thet there came from all the tribes
which the soldiers
had not yet decimated

And they rode upon buffalo
as was their heathen custom.
Bearing each offerings of
whiskey and firearms.

And when the shamen
saw the child
they were in awe
for he glowed
as if bathed in a light
that was truly
not of this world.

As told by Captain Murphy, Sealab

Alvis, our savior. It was during the heyday of the frontier that Alvis was born, and in the century since, his birthday has been celebrated as the Alvistide. A time when pistols are fired into the air, and whiskey is drunk, and egg nog. Egg nog because it has nutmeg. It is a time of celebration and rejoicing, giving thanks to the savior and the planning of vengeance and revenge, for with whiskey and firearms, these are the things that Alvis holds dear.

Alvians, as the followers of the way of Alvis call themselves, decry the commercialization of holidays. They claim that the media marketing of merchant-benefiting gift giving and major sales that often brush aside the true meaning of Alvistide; namely whickey, guns, and revenge.

Many non Alvians, including the Krebs, Shikra and the Malkas consider Alvistide to be a ham and liquor hootenanny. While the Alvians will dispute this, often with cries of revenge, it is true that during Alvistide, the consumption of salt-cured or 'country ham' increases ten-fold. Many Alvistide celebrations degenerate into drunken stupors or violent mobs, despite extravagant claims of the pomp and ceremony of the event.

The Story of Alvis
Given the rather rambunctious nature of the Alvians, there are only fragmentary records of the life of Alvis, despite his time having been around 200 to 150 years ago. The largest claim is the miraculous birth of Alvis, as retold in the Story of Alvis. The second deed was the parting of the Rio Grande river. Alvis and his posse of apostles were in hot persuit of a band of Mexican vagrants who escaped across the river by means of a stolen barge. Not to be denied revenge for the loss of many bottles of whiskey, Alvis parted the river long enough to let he and his men cross, guns blazing.

Once across the river, Alvis faced the leader of the Mexicans and killed him dead with 12 shots in the face, from his six-shooters. Many non-Alvians consider this a black mark on the Alvians, that Alvis was a drunk and a criminal. Alvians consider this to be acceptible to their faith, since it was done for the sincere reason of getting revenge.

The Book of Alvis
'Vengeance is mine, quothe Alvis' is one of the few phrases quoted directly from Alvis, in the Book of Alvis. unlike other religious texts, the Book of Alvis is about 32 pages long, and has illustrations. Many Alvians use this book as a coaster for their drinks, so long as they contain alcohol, and are not Zimas.

Aphorisms of Alvis
Alvis was the holiest man to slap iron, he killed for your sins.

Alvis will smote those bitches


Let us drink of the bourbon, scotch and rye until we are fighting drunk, then we shall find, and beat the asses of the non-believers.

(Blessing) Alvis Bless Us, everyone
(Answer)You're damn straight he does!

An apology
I feel that a word of explanation, and apology is in order here. I was inspired to transcribe the story of Alvis, word for word from the most recent episode of Sealab 2021. I do not have a reliable link back to this episode as the Cartoon Network site changes the online episodes on a weekly basis. I found it highly amusing and was inspired to share the blessed word of Alvis.

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