Humor/ Editorial
Gaming - In General
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December 28, 2016, 3:08 am

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7 Things about Writing Women


7 Things about writing women in fiction.


1. The Highlander Rule

There can only be one woman. If there are more than one, only one should have a speaking role, the rest should be NPCs or minions without names, skills, stats, or backgrounds.

2. Bechdel's Test

If there absolutely has to be more than one female character, they should only talk about their male companions or counterparts.

3. Pink Washing

Make sure that the women are color coded. Pink is currently the best color for this purpose.

4. The Beachbody Rule

Regardless of profession, level of accomplishment, role or skillset, it is imperative that the women must be sexually attractive, and demonstrate this sexual attractiveness by wearing bikinis, displaying softcore nudity.

Corollary - The Bathing Suit Rule: Female Superheroes must wear the equivalent of a bathing suit when fighting evil-doers. One piece suits are suitable, but exotic or impossible cut multi-piece borderline lingerie outfits are preferred.

5. Feminine Singularity

The best way to write female characters is to make them as one dimensional as possible, or use existing stock caricatures and trope archetypes. Regardless of caricature used, all female characters need to be unsure of themselves, defer to masculine authority

Sample Caricatures:
The Crazy Woman - not actually mentally ill (excessively deep character development required) but comically/wacky/psycho crazy. Acts in random and unpredictable manners. Crazy Woman is good at sex.
The Ball and Chain - It is important for a female character to be a 'downer' or wet blanket.
The CEO - Corporate Estrogen Officer, an outwardly strong female character undermined by her lack of Sex.
The Spinster Maid - Indecisive and overly picky, the Spinster maid can't make up her mind, and nothing is good enough for her. The Spinster Maid pines for impossibly high standards, and is a good demonstration feminine insecurity.
The Gold-Digger - Pretty, good at Sex, willing to demonstrate nudity.
The Cougar - Older (anything past 24 is cougar territory) version of the Gold Digger

The Trophy - Like the Gold-Digger, but better dressed and in a nicer car.

The Bimbo - Like the Gold-Digger, but comically dumb.
The Feminazi - a neo-masculine woman, angry, militant, hates men. Easily typed with buzz cut hair, unshaved body hair, and boots.
The Sexy Professional - A catch all, the Sexy Professional is like any other insert job/career, but sexy. This includes Sexy Scientists, Sexy Assassins, Sexy Medical Officers, Sexy Counselors, Sexy Gardeners, Sexy Reporters, and so forth.

6. Sexy Sex Sex

Female characters should have as their primary motivation having sex, or being available for sex, or otherwise looking sexy, acting sexy. Breasts should be seen, or referred to as often as possible, because the reader/viewer might forget that the female character has them.

Corollary - The Bi Rule: all female characters should be at the very minimum bi-curious because it is important for them to have sexual thoughts about other female characters.

7. Like a Bra

Female characters should be like a bra, there to provide support, but ultimately something that is in the way. The male characters should never be upstaged by the female characters. A good rule of thumb is that if you can replace the female character with a lamp with a note on it, you've written a proper female character.

8. The No List

The No List contains all the things that your female characters cannot be, or have as attributes

Ugly or unattractive. Female characters must always be attractive. Supporting NPC females may be less attractive. If a female character needs to less attractive, she can be made Pretty Ugly, attractive under glasses and poor wardrobe choices. (This will be corrected later in a sexy confidence montage)
Old. Unless grandmotherly, the acceptable age for female characters is 14-34. Younger than this is criminal. older than this is unacceptable.
Unavailable. Female characters cannot be in unseen relationships that prevent them from being involved in Sex.
Competence. Female characters cannot demonstrate more than 3 abilities, personality facets, or personal quirks.
Leadership. A good female character should be a poor to fair leader, and require male assistance or backing.
Asexuality. Female characters must be interested in sex and relationships.

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Comments ( 3 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Cheka Man
December 28, 2016, 11:45
Only voted
Voted Aramax
January 25, 2017, 14:56
4/5 Saw that somebody had DARED to give Scras a 3 and instantly HAD to read!!!!! Started off slow and I was starting to think the 3 was right then ran into like 3 things that made me laugh out loud. Ok it's tright but I still laughed.........
Voted Moonlake
February 3, 2017, 0:02
There's certainly a lot of truth to what you write here. Yet, to be honest, I found it hard to write female characters even though I'm a woman (I tend to have the reverse problem to what you write here about sex though in that I just can't write romance even though the story sometimes calls for it). Anyway, the blockquotes are definitely the winning traits of this article.


Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

Wet Faeries

       By: Murometz

Sages and naturalists frown at the common name given to these strange creatures by the small folk, but sometimes the silliest nicknames for creatures, places and people persevere in the minds of many. “Purifiers”, “Pond Jellies”, “Breath-Stealers”, “Lung-Ticklers” and “River Butterflies” are much less commonly heard appellations for these life forms. Wet Faeries are basically (and simply) a species of fist-sized, fresh-water jellyfish. Several traits steer them toward the peculiar category however. Firstly, Wet Faeries are nearly invisible in the water, much like their marine cousins but even more so. One can swim in a river swarming with these critters and not even notice their presence. Secondly, they possess the unique ability to clean and purify whatever body of water they inhabit. They do this via some sort of biological filtration process, sucking in all toxins present in the water, and releasing it back in its purest form. Needless to say, they are both a blessing and a curse to whichever folk dwell beside the rivers and lakes Wet Faeries inhabit. On one hand, no purer water can be found anywhere than a Wet Faerie lake or pond, and yet, in “pure” water “life” tends in fact to die out, lacking the needed nutrients to prosper. Thirdly, their “sting” is (unfortunately) virulently poisonous to all mammalians. Wet Faeries are loathe to sting anyone or anything, using their barbed fronds as a last line of defense, but if stung, most swimmers will suffer respiratory arrest, and die within minutes, usually drowning before they can make it back to shore.

Alchemists, druids, and less savory characters have studied these creatures over the years, and have predictably found all the ways Wet Faeries could be exploited. Morbidly humorous, some bards find it, that the Poisoners and Assassins Guilds as well as the Healer’s Union, all prize these creatures. The assassins use the extracted venom in obvious fashion, while the priests and healers use the still-living jelly-fish to sterilize other poison potions and to cure those already poisoned on death’s door.

It is known that a certain Earl Von Trumble keeps his vast castle moat stocked with Wet Faeries, the waters so clear that every bone of every one of his past enemies can be clearly seen on the bottom, twenty two feet below.

Encounter  ( Any ) | June 20, 2014 | View | UpVote 6xp

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