30 Alpha Dungeon Flexes that are Cringe

1. Dungeon Chugging

Diving into the dungeon isn't easy, and potions can make it easier. What doesn't make it easier is constantly having to have another potion, or bragging about shotgunning seven potions before swinging into a fight with a boss-level encounter, and then finishing the story with another potion.

2. I'm not a Jerk, it was just a Potion of Truth

It is a common misconception that a Potion of Truth makes lying difficult to impossible and that after taking one, the drinker will randomly fire off their observations, revealing secrets held in confidence, and otherwise act like a jerk. It's not just the truth or even a potion of truth, you aren't spitting fire or dropping revelations, no one likes you because you probably have some deeply rooted personal problems.

3. Never helping or healing a teammate

A real man stands alone, he is an island. If you help your teammates up, you aren't helping them, you are helping them stay weak. A real hero lets others stand on their own feet, and if they can't take it, they should have stayed in the city, maybe get a job with a normie guild, or something.

Maybe farm?

4. Bragging about hitting the dungeon hard

No one dives the dungeon as hard as I do, I have soloed a few bosses, and I think if I keep working it, I might be able to reach the bottom in the next two years, don't come at me unless you have seen the stone gardens on the far side of Understone, or have fought a Wightguard patrol. You aren't even on my level.

5. Peaking in Training/Academy

Terrasquestone has martial training yards, magic academies, and niche guilds. Nothing says cringe like peaking in third-year alchemy, or the best fight ever being a two-round melee with a hated instructor, and actually getting the win without getting a concussion in return.

6. Grind Bragging

Everyone knows the way to get better is practice, practice, practice, and Grind-braggarts are sure to let everyone else know just how much dungeon hustle they have, keeping a count of how many times they've been into each zone of a dungeon, how many times they've fought the same mini-bosses, how many goblins they've killed, and all of the stats, and then insulting and mocking anyone who has done slightly less than they have. 

7. Survivor Swagger

Most people who come away as the sole survivor of a harrowing experience tend to have PTSD and survivor's guilt. Survivor's swagger is the walk and talk of a hero who hasn't been the sole survivor once, but several times, and instead of being traumatized they've come away with a sense of unbearable superiority. This comes off as insufferable arrogance, dismissal of concerns, and insulting the deceased for being soft, weak, or a hindrance to the superior survivor

8. The Other Dungeon Spawn

Monsters spawn dungeons, and high-charisma heroes can gain popular followings, and become celebrities in their own right. Then, like said rockstars and celebrities, they can leave a trail of pregnancies and bastards in their wake. 

9. Mages and Mockery

Magic is a powerful force, not one to be taken lightly, mages can deal massive damage, change the shape of a battle, and all of those other terrifying things spells can do, at the cost of low armor potential, and not developing a barbarian physique. It isn't uncommon for martial heroes to mock and deride magic users, while inflating their own importance. Sure the wizard can cast a spell, but everyone has to cover for the marshmallow while he wiggles his fingers and mumbles to himself, and you know anytime something manual has to be done you can hear his whispery voice I must study my spells because I am a dork.

10. Martials and Mockery

Just as the jocks mock the nerds, the nerds mock the jocks. Where the jock bullies with physical strength, the bully mage uses non-combat spells on his allies, casting Friendship to make others do their share of the work, or Charm Person to cheat the rest of the party out of their cut of dungeon treasure, and other general behavior of smug intellectual superiority 

11. Dungeon Is Life

Dungeons are the most important economic factor in the DungeonVerse, no doubt. But for some cringeworthy heroes it is the only thing. There is really nothing wrong with being obsessed with that, but the problem is the Dungeon Lifer goes out of their way to insult anyone who isn't matching their level of dedication. Family? Weak. Study? Lame. Hobbies? What a waste of time. 

12. Dysfunctional teams that refuse to break up

Sometimes you keep a team together because the group works well in dungeon encounters, or the team internally is strong even if they aren't the best at optimizing combat efficiency, teams are made of people and people, well, are people. The Dysfunctional Team doesn't do well, no one is in sync, no one recognizes a chain of command, melee martials block the ranged martials, and both interrupt the spellcasters. The spellcasters dont pay attention to their zones of effect, or pick long spells forcing the party to try to defend them instead of following a plan. Outside of the dungeon this party is even worse, they are always arguing and bickering, making a scene and being the most toxic people you know.

All they need to do is dissolve their party and go their separate ways, join new parties. Be adults. Grow up.

13. One-Upmanship

A tale as old as time, your stuff is not as good as mine, I did better than you that one time, they can always outbrag everyone else at the table.

Fought a dragon, pshaw, I dated the dragon and now the scaly bitch pays me child support.

14. Expensive weddings?

One of the things about being a hero is having lots of money and a swollen sense of self. Heroes, like everyone else, do get married, have families, and all that. Like the nobility, they also like to make the biggest possible scene when it comes down to these very normal things most everyone does. The worst create spectacles that would beggar lords for cost, snarl the city for days for prep, ceremony, and tear down, and while the elite invintees enjoy the opulence and indulgence, the commoners are left with entire sections of the city closed, streets shut down, drunken brawls, magic stunts gone wrong, or right but out of hand, and all the demands of the elite for them to celebrate with them even if the heroes in question are complete strangers or even actively disliked. 

15. Rude Riders

There are monsters that have the option of being captured or tamed, becoming pets, companions, and in this instance, mounts. The mounted elite have a long history of already being rude to the pedestrian, and in the DungeonVerse, that's almost everyone. Not a lot of personal and private horse ownership. This is a step worse. A rude horse is one thing, but a rude hippogriff rider, or gryphon rider, and the worst of the worst, the rude dragon rider. Its not just knocking people over, its flying mounts dropping fecal bombs over pedestrians, or instead of a horse nipping at a curious kid, its a dungeon dire wolf that gives a shaking bite that leaves the child crippled for life, assuming they survive the mangling. 

16. Yoinkers

Everyone generally gets the dungeons operate on a rewards system that recognizes who dealt the killing blow to a monster, not who did the most damage, or who was the most important in the battle. The Yoinker is a hero who makes sure they get the finishing shot, even if it leaves their team exposed, or even causes severe injuries or deaths, the W in the end is all that matters. This applies to mages who spam spells to wipe out weakened foes instead of staying on who they really should be hitting with spells, thieves who pickpocket their own team, fighters who use combat mobility to take out weakened monsters other team members were fighting, and so forth.

Then bragging about their kill counts versus the rest of the team.

17. Stat-Bragging

This was more of an idea when the DungeonVerse was going to be isekai trope with everyone's stat's being realized numerical abilities.

18. Paid Followers

He's not really dungeon famous, he bought all of his followers.

She's so fake, she pays acolyte mages to cast beauty and charm magic on her so everyone thinks she so pretty.

The team ugh, they're the worst. Anywhere they go they've got twenty valets and servants following them around acting like followers and not the help.

19. We're a Dungeon Family and We All Have to Make Sacrifices

A few popular lines from the worst of the worst dungeon leaders, which generally means that conditions are going to get worse, they're going to take more of the loot, and everyone else is going to take more of the danger.

20. Maps are for losers, I have Dungeon Intuition

Dungeoneering is a skill, goes along with cartography, surveying, and spelunking. This hero is willing to lead a party around the same maze section of the dungeon until thirst, hunger, or exhaustion set it, or worse, keep leading the party into the same set of traps over and over again. I'm not lost, I just need a minute to get my bearings.

21. Trauma-Dumpers

Everyone has a story, and some are worse than others, some heroic and inspiring, others tragic and encouraging, then there is the Dungeon Dumper. They perform trauma dumps, overshare their negativity, and are brooding, melancholy, overly dramatic, or expect to be the social center of the party so everyone blows a constant stream of praise and trauma sympathy to them.

The rogue was robbed as a child, and her family died, so now we have to hear some version of that story or we let the rogue have the first pick of the loot every time.

22. Glamour Heroes

The Banner Guild carries banners, messages, signs, all that, and the Glamour Hero has paid the Banner guild to talk the hero up, spreading their stories, carrying their heraldic device, team logo, or in some cases, their literal portrait painted on a banner.

Ugh, everywhere I go I see that dumb dungeon harlot, Karda Shian, we get it, you're pretty and you have a lot of money, barf. Never seen her in the dungeon, but I see her banners everywhere. 

23. Toxic positivity (dungeon paladin syndrome)

The opposite of the Trauma Dumper, the Dungeon Paladin is an inescapable ray of blinding sunlight. Everything is going to be okay, faith and courage, you can walk it off, you'll get them next time. Positivity is one thing, but the dungeon paladin makes everything positive, and they are not automatically an actual paladin. They are full of useless phrases the undermine anything other that happiness. There is no grief, no remorse, no sadness, or sometimes even common sense.

This is the hero who offers a hand to a victim of a dragon attack and tells people everything happens for a reason, and that the gods work in mysterious ways, smiling the entire time. 

24. Excaliber Syndrome

The 80s fantasy flick Excaliber is easily remembered for the almost chrome finish of the different knight's plate armor, so shiny! It is also memorable for the fact that at no point in the film are any of the chrome clad knights ever out of armor. Even when Uther Pendragon is taking Igraine in the magical likeness of her deceased husband, he's still wearing his plate.

He never takes off his armor.

Take off your armor, clean it, clean yourself, people who never take off their armor are either paranoid, cursed, or have a player that has been traumatized by an overly opportunistic DM

25. Open carry is normal, open ready is not

The DungeonVerse is a dangerous place, so open carry for weapons is the norm. What isn't the norm is for a hero to constantly be open ready, strolling through the market with his sword drawn or the ranger constantly with an arrow notched and ready to draw. Paranoid? Danger to self and others? About to start a fight? Players traumatized by an ambush happy DM?

26. Losing a single fight and becoming suicidally depressed

There is a mystique to the undefeated hero, and then the truth is that most heroes have gotten beat many, so many, times. In training, in their first jaunts into the dungeon, their early encounters, everyone loses eventually. This hero has a glass jaw and the first time they lose they crumble. This is generally preceded by a long career of boasting, bragging, chest thumping, and horn blowing about how great they are. The first stubbed toe and its tantrum time, or after taking a lump, they're ready to give up.

When this is the standard hero, whatever. It can be a real problem when its the number one ranked hero in the Guild of Adventurers-Upon-Return and there is about to be a massive dungeon eruption and they are needed, regardless of how down in their cups they are over that one fight that beat them.

27. Boy's Only Club

The Boys Only Club is a hero who refuses to adventure with females. Sure they can do magic, but don't they have more important things to do than get in the way, need men to carry their gear, or complain about how the dungeon isn't a nice place? Someone needs to be working at the tavern, or the brothel, or being proper and raising the children while the man of the house provides for them by slaying in the dungeon.

28. Emulating an alpha chad dungeoneer

The only thing worse than being an obnoxious dungeon chad is emulating one, that's not even being original.

29. OnlyPatronus

It isn't uncommon for heroes to be attractive, strong healthy people typically are. What is cringe is when they put on private shows for people willing to pay them. It's prostitution, but rather paid voyeurism, where the people pay to see the hero do things in varying degrees of undress. Its like theater, and OnlyFans got together and had a weird exhibitionist/voyeurist kid with some major socializing problems.

30. Dungeon Daddying

It is a very regular and normal practice for aspiring heroes to find mentors to train them in the dangers of the dungeon. These are apprentices, pages, squires, acolytes, etc.

What isn't normal is when an older hero makes a point of only mentoring young nubile women.

People start asking questions.

Is this really appropriate?