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Rating: 2.5
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ID: 3363

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February 1, 2007, 10:29 pm

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Lady Shayla

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The life and time of lady Shayla was not all to long. She was the second founder of the Holy ground, after a thousand years, when the disserperance of the lengendry Moon rider tribe. She was also the founder of the great and powerful staff of destiny. Lady shayla preformed a dance of passing in the Holy Ground, that sent on the spirits and dead creatures of the many years that had pasted. But to the time of today Utopia lies in ruins of darkness as it transformes into the abyss….

Full Description
Lady Shayla was a wondrous and very beautiful women. Her half dragon blood line was denied from other mortals and creatures, but she always stayed strong. She was a wonderer of the land before she started preforming good for all. Shayla was also the second founder of the Holy ground, after a thousand years, when the Moon riders vanished. Shayla’s clothes became different when she became goddess of Utopia. When she wondered the land her clothes where a magical and beautiful white dress and a wondrous sky blue top. She also wore ribbons of yellow and red within her flowing brown hair. Her eyes were one with the legendry citadel dragons. Her feet wore her favorite blue and black hug boots.While she was disgraced by others for her dragon horns, that sprouted from her head. Within her heart was kindness, compassion, love for her friends and most of all happiness. She showed these all to everyone she meet on her adventures and royal travelings. Lady Shayla was also a very powerful magician. With her powers being unknowable, while her dragon blood line also powering her powers, they were uncontrollable of control for anyone. 

Additional Information
Lady Shayla’s lust….

Not after to long of the royal crowning of lady shayla, she became bored and lustful for a a man to be king by her side. So one day she dressed herself in wonderers clothes and covered her face so that her subjects wouldn’t notice her. She had fallen her eyes upon a handsome man. From what her eyes and senses could tell her this man had also a dragon blood line. Every day Lady Shayla would wonder into the crowds of people to search out this man. But one day he was no where to be in sight. When Lady Shayla gave up looking for him, she wondered back to the castle. And standing right there at the front doors, was the man she spied on everyday. She started to walk towards the doors and then they started to open. The man thought they were opening for him so he started to approach the castle. When Draco tried to walk into the castle he was swept away by a mystical force. As the man was pushed with amazing force by the barrier, he landed on top of Lady Shayla. Then as the man looked into the eyes of lady Shayla, they connected. Seeing the eyes of the Citadel dragons the man new she was the one. After gazing into each others eyes the man lifted up Lady shayla. Draco, Draco Gothicka, his name came from his lips.

The time of Lady Shayla and King Draco

Many years had past from that day. And soon enough Draco became king. One day King Draco became very ill. Lady Shayla set off to the Land of the sorceress, hoping that she’ll find a cure for her beloved king. When she had arrived in the land of sorceress nothing was there. The land had been turned into crust by a strange and powerful magic. She fell to her feet in a matter of seconds, seeing part of her land that she swore to protect. When she walked towards one of the trees and touched it, a horrible vision came to her mind. Creatures from the Abyss and very dark magic had been through this land while the rest of the land was in peace. But now Lady Shayla knew that the rest of the land was soon to be in peril. Back at the castle, Lord draco was dying more and more, by every day. Then a sudden blast hit the castle. A large group of black dragons and evil sorceress were attacking the castle. After the surprise attack was over the castle, the land, the town were destroyed. When Lady Shayla had returned she was almost destroyed by seeing her small kingdom obliterated. Her castle, her love, her friends, her life, destroyed. Many years of grieving and sadness passed within the mid of Lady Shayla. Lady Shayla soon began to rebuild her kingdom, but she knew in her heart that nothing would ever be the same ever again. People soon enough came back, but her love would never. She was sort of glad he was gone, for if he lived he would be in horrible pain. So as soon enough lady shayla cast a protective barrier over her new kingdom and formed a bubble kind over the place and lifted it into the clouds were it would never be found again. Some say that when you look to the clouds, you can see lady shayla sweeping through the clods with her mystical crystal dragon. But till now this floating land has never been found. 

The descendents of Lady shayla

A thousand years had passed, from the day lady shayla sacrificed her life for the land she loved. Utopia began to create it’s own powers of light and darkness. Stroms, earthquakes, fires and many other disasters be felled this land, that was once a great land of prosperity and light. After the thousand years of the sacrifice of lady shayla, six children were born. Scattered across the land of utopia, the descendents of lady shayla were born. Each one with different blood lines.

Roxas the mystical. Powerful with magic and wise with his steps. His clothes were those of the mystical tribe, the Mirrorcast people. Their clothes were of powerful magic and fabrics, called anti-ark. The fabric was made into a hooded robe, that hung over their heads.

Reginer the powerful. A strong, but very short tempered boy. His clothes were of the lost tribe, the Sukablew people. Their clothes were commoners clothes. Sometimes Reginer’s clothes would change when his temper grew more stronger, but it hasn’t been seen yet.

Kasumi the quick. Her fast movements confused her foes when she was fighting with creatures and humans a-like. Her clothes were ninja like of the tribe, the Ronkom people. Their clothes were made of purified crystals and the legendry darkened crystals. With Kasumi a small white skirt sat on her waist while a wite top covered her upper body. Kasumi also would disappear now and then once she had found bad words of the land. She would always return with cuts and bumps on her, when she had returned.

Hitomi the beautiful. Her beauty charmed her foes into falling in love with her, while she made them do her bidding. Hitomi was born from her mother, who was one but of a few maids for lady shayla. So in honour Hitomi was but a mere child flocking around the castle searching it’s secrets and Mysteries. Her clothes were very special. They were of blue. A Small blue top and a blue short skirt.

Azumi the wise. Her knowledge of the utopia, the past of it and human life always amazes people. Azumi is from the tribe Bukaka. Each clothing was made by there’s truly, Azumi. With any colour of choice and whatever design all their clothes were different. Made from the Fabrics of wool, spider’s webs and anything else you could think of, these clothes very magnificent.

Tudor the powering. In the deep south, over the forbidden mountains, a kingdom rest in peace. A very large kingdom indeed. The people were called, the fara people. In legend these people were considered unholy. For they helped the Unholy king out with his plans of ruling Upotia, over Lady Shayla’s rule. This kingdom was called chambers coast. A on going site of technology, magic and powerful weaponry. Tudor was the young ruler of this kingdom, with his friend Alex, the kings adviser at his side, and a ninja girl who would come and go when she had bad news of her land over the mountains. Tudor’s clothes were not like every other king’s. His clothes were made of fur and hide. A long cloak made from the fur of the yitis. Boots made the hide of the aka-ba. A creature from the deep oceans that terrorized the kingdom. And clothes made from the technology and magic of their fair kingdom.

These six people and creatures would one day join together to bring an eternal dutch to the land.(same as the eternal clam in FFX)But for what they didn’t know the abyss and darkness had many surprises waiting for them around every corner.
Darkness will deal, and darkness will take but with the hearts of good and the balance of faith, the land will be restored. Verse 658 Book of Life and Death.



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Comments ( 9 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Wulfhere
December 12, 2006, 20:06
0xp
It's very imaginative and has some vivid imagery. I like some of the scenes presented in the legend.

Unfortunately, it is marred by spelling errors and other edits that are still needed. Please copy it onto a program with a spell checking function, then read it aloud to yourself.
Voted Cheka Man
December 12, 2006, 20:59
Only voted
valadaar
December 13, 2006, 9:06
0xp
What Wulfhere said. There is a lot of substance here, but the sentence structure and some choice of words are odd.

eg. She meet a man named Draco who was as good looking as ever.

We do not know Draco, and neither does Shayla. The 'as good looking as ever' does not work for this sentence. I'd cut it to "She met a good looking man named Draco" or something similar.

There are a lot more places where work is needed. The idea is there but at this point it is a diamond in the rough. Very rough.

Will hold off on my vote for now, as it it would be a 2.0 (Idea's there - needs work).
MoonHunter
December 13, 2006, 12:21
0xp
Catch the article 1272 first. However, if reading the big piece is not to your taste, let me summarize.

Review the site's posts to make sure your posts are appropriate. Have you ever really done this?

While this one has some good effort into it, you spent all your time in the "thinking about it" stage and none into the execution stage of the submission. And it shows. You have tanked a great idea in a pile of mis-mashed sentences.

And you should always double check your post for spelling, grammar, etc.

The production of the post seems to be your weakness. You edit this, putting it back in your workspace until it is ready.(edit the piece, scroll down under the types, freetext, normal submission and all that to Submission Options - in work, visible or requrest advice.

It is worth mentioning that this piece actually meets the gold standard (if your taste runs to DnD fiction). So it is worth doing.
Lord Kimahri
January 17, 2007, 21:47
0xp
Updated: nearly finished lol
Lord Kimahri
January 22, 2007, 19:36
0xp
Updated: hopefully you will like....
Lord Kimahri
February 1, 2007, 22:28
0xp
Updated: Finished i think?
MoonHunter
February 2, 2007, 10:26
0xp
Posting to bring this up to the "fore". Will do a solid re-review soon.
Voted Moonlake
June 22, 2013, 20:29
0xp
Same editorial problem still plaguing this sub as others before me noted. Otherwise, a great legend


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