Necklace of Laerthra
A necklace used to Create any Item.
Laerthra had done something that the other gods found unforgivable; she had taken the life of a Virgin princess of a theocracy dominant empire.
Full Item Description
A 22 inch rose gold necklace that almost seems to glimmer, sometimes even glow when its in the sun. When the necklace is away from any light, and when your eyes are not actually looking toward the necklace, you would swear that it was glowing. On the back of the pendant you would notice a scripture written in Drow.
A sapphire pendant hangs delicately along the thin gold necklace. The pendant has strange swirls of energy that sway from one side to another, if you knew the legend of how it was created, and what had happened, you would believe it was the soul of Laerthra trying to escape her prison.
History
Laerthra, the Goddess of Minor Creation, had magnificent beauty, incredible strength, uncanny wisdom, and a gaze that could put even a god, in their place. She didnt create the universe, nor did she create life as we know it, she only created things that the people of the realm are able to use in their daily lives.
Laerthra created items like: Swords, Crossbows, Saws, chairs, doors, and other things that people would use on a day to day basis. Humans slowly evolved and slowly learned how to make these items without the help of the gods. Even though Laerthra made all these different types of items, the ones she enjoyed making the most were those of real value. As the humans continued to evolve at a remarkable rate, they too learned how to make these Valuable items, and soon, Laerthra grew irritated, she strived to make something that the humans would never be able to copy, and that nothing else ever made, or ever will be made by humans, could ever hope to surpass.
Laerthra had done something that the other gods found unforgivable; she had taken the life of a Virgin princess of a theocracy dominant empire. Laerthra used the virgin princess pure soul to create a single item of magnificent beauty, though thats all it was used for, her soul is what gave the necklace the ability to glow.
Laerthra had never done anything like this, and it was strange that she did so. She had loved the humans, she only ever wanted to make their lives easier, yet she had never shown any anger when the humans had copied her things before.
The other Gods didn't take this too lightly; in fact they had banished Laerthra into the necklace that she had created, which was then hidden at the bottom of an Oasis, in the Sands of Gartuan. Gartuan was a desert on the planet Crychemerre; this desert had been filled with creatures that were too dangerous to be around humans and other races that lived on Crychemerre. People thought that there had to be something significant in desert, some sort of treasure buried there so people would never get it, or even a secret civilization that no one knew about.
Most gods never transgressed with humans, they usually stuck to their own business, though Ciliantis the God of Epiphany and Inspiration had intervened quite often, in order to help the humans along with their advances in their civilization.
Ciliantis had told someone of this item, telling them of its magical ability, but never giving the entire story. This person had then started to ask other people questions, but no one had ever heard of the item he spoke of. After a few months of searching out information he had come to a dead end, and had started to lose hope in finding the necklace, thought by now it had become a legend and people all over Crychemerre had been going out in their own time trying to find this item, some spending their entire lives searching for it.
He liked to watch and see what humans could do with very little knowledge, and if they needed a little help, and if they showed the courage to go on, he might tell them the rest of the knowledge they needed, or he might not.
Later
An explorer by the name of Tarnin had come across this oasis while searching of an Ancient Civilization. While the man stood there drinking water, and refilling his canteen, he noticed something in the corner of his eyes, giving off a red glow, but when he looked toward the glow it had disappeared. The man jumped into the water desperately searching for whatever was making that strange glow, and after a few hours of searching he found the necklace and pulled it out.
Tarinin thought he could get a pretty penny for the necklace. On his way back to town, the necklace had disappeared from his possession, and soon after he started to fell as if the life was being drained from his body. After a quick search of the camel, and his body, he realized that the necklace was around his neck. He didnt know how it got there, and he didnt care, he just knew that this was what was causing his body to feel weak, so he took the necklace off and threw it into the sands, never to return to Gartuan again
Magic/Cursed Properties
Laerthras necklace has the ability to disappear and reappear from one spot to another on who ever is holding the necklace. The necklace follows the energy that is being produced from whatever is holding it.
While having the necklace in your possession it will slowly begin to drain your Energy, Chakra, chi, Kai, Ki, whatever you may call it.
This does not particularly kill you
, unless you wear the necklace for long periods of time.
The necklace has the power to create items, mainly out of nothing. But if you were to concentrate of using minerals from the ground, or from objects around you, the items can become 10X more durable. If you don't concentrate, you may actually end up making something that could be worthless to you. Like a sword, that has the consistency of a piece of paper.
"Usstan lar pholor Idro fashka nindel dos lar dosst ehmtu."
This was the command that you would use to drain the life force from something, and allow you to create a better and stronger item, then if you were to only use your own.
If you hold onto any item, and focus on absorbing that life force and putting it into the object you wish to make, the item will become stronger. If you use the life force from any race whether its: Human, Elven, Drow, Dragon, Demon, Angelic, or anything else your mind could possibly create. You may also absorb the energy produced by things like :Trees, things of water, you could even absorb the air that is around you and have the item you create take on those properties. You may in fact create the strongest item possible, depending on what you absorb, though you may also find yourself talking to the gods when they find out what you have done.
Extra Information
The wearer may only create one Item at a time.
To absorb the life force from another, all you must do is touch the thing that you wish to draw from, and recite the chant imprinted on the back.
The item that you created lasts forever unless it is destroyed/ refined purposely.
The only way to stop it from absorbing your life force it to take it off, and place it in a spot that you will not touch and in a place another person shouldn't be able to find it.
If you place it or anything that is living For example: a Tree, Vines, or even on the ground where an animal may be able to touch it, it will reappear somewhere along that flow of energy, IE: If it touched the root of a tree, it may follow energy flow from the roots to the canopy, and if it touched the root of a tree in the middle of a forest, then it may end up in any random spot of the forest.
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? Responses (9)
Okay first off there's some paradoxes with this and stuff left unanswered: (aside from grammar and punctuation which I'll leave for someone else to point out)
A sapphire could be seen hanging from the necklace;
Could? does this mean the sapphire sometimes isn't able to be seen hanging from it?
She didnt create the universe, nor did she create life as we know it, she only created things that the people of the realm are able to use in their daily lives.
Laerthra only ever created necklaces, rings, and other forms of valuables. She had the ability to create other things like: swords, crossbows, chairs, doors, jars, etc. These items were then
dropped from heaven and given to the humans.
Okay so in one sentence she is capable of making everything people can use in their daily lives. In the next she only makes ever makes jewelry? Which is it? Doors jars etc or just jewelry?
Soon the humans learned how to create items much like the ones she made, and she strived to make something that could not be compared to.
Could not be compared to what? Her beauty? The beauty of the universe?
She had created a Sapphire necklace, once that could be unmatched by any other, and there was only one reason that she did this, and that was to have something that could compare to.
Once again compare to what?
The other Gods didn't take this too lightly; in fact they had banished Laerthra into the necklace that she had created, which was then hidden at the bottom of an Oasis, in the Sands of Gartuan.
What happened to the original life essence trapped within the necklace? Why did they choose to hide it at the bottom of an oasis? Last but not least what are the Sands of Gartuan? A gods holy place? A tropical island beach? A desert? What?
he noticed something in the corner of his eyes, giving off a red glow, but when he looked toward the glow it had disappeared. The man jumped into the water and pulled the necklace out.
If the glow disappeared how did he find the necklace?
Gods never transgressed with humans. They usually stuck to their own business, though Ciliantis the God of Epiphany and Inspiration had intervened quite often, in order to help the humans along with their advances in their civilization.
Okay so if they never transgressed then how did one of them intervene quite often?
He had told someone of this item, telling them of its magical ability, but never giving the entire story.
What did he tell them? and who were they? How did he tell them this? Did this one person spread the tale all over the land so it is well known legend? or is this an obscure tale one would have to hunt through scrolls of lore to hear of?
On his way back to town, the necklace had disappeared from his possession, soon after he started to feel the life being drained from his body. After a quick search of the camel, and his body, he realized that the necklace was around his neck.
So is the necklace weightless? Given it's 24 inches of solid gold with a large stone on the end of it I would imagine he would have felt it suddenly pulling down around his neck when it appeared on him.
Honestly while this piece shows some glimmer of promise it feels hurried and lacking cohesion. (along with the spelling errors and word mis uses) Perhaps reworking this piece to correct the contradictions and fleshing it out more can turn it into a worthwhile sub. Currently though it's not ready for the public imho.
Well, the only thing I can add to Silve's great advice is the same thing Moon always says- read your submission out loud to yourself. You will at once hear what does not make sense and is just plain wrong with it. But it is great to see you try Kalabar, in many ways this is a great step forward compared to a few years back.
I concur with the opinions thus far on this. There are a lot of issues that if addressed, could result in a good post. As it stands, it is incomplete and has many inconsistencies.
Stick with it though - there is atmosphere and a good idea which just needs to be given more attention.
I'll hold off on my vote for now - as it stands it is a 1.0.
Here are a few things you might want to look at, if you ever decide to revise this piece (in no particular order).
"Usstan lar pholor l'dro fashka dos lar dosst ehmtu." My reaction when reading this: "What does this mean, and is it important?" Much later (in "Extra Information") you note that it's the command word that drains life force from a person or object (?), but until then it's just a clunky bit of trivia, and (unless the GM makes you call out unique command words for your other magic items) it's probably still trivia.
In the beginning of the sub, Laerthra seems like Prometheus' little sister, giving humans gifts to copy. Then she gets a little vain and subverts Divine Law as part of a grand scheme to ... make something that humans can't copy, and by the end of the sub she's sucking the soul out of some poor slob who picked the necklace up. Then there's the part about how the wearer (if he lives long enough) can "use the life force from a human" to make super-strong objects. The character of Laerthra is at issue here. Was there always a dark side to her creative personality, or is this an effect of her imprisonment? (This would be less of an issue if the necklace wasn't essentially Laerthra on a leash.)
Speaking of Divine Law, how often exactly do the Gods intervene in mortal life? You give three answers -- none, not often, and one god does little else -- in the same paragraph. This could use clarification.
The sub's writing is unclear and obscure in places. Silveressa already gave a good many examples, so I'll just point out the one that stood out for me: "She had the ability to create other things like: swords, crossbows, chairs, doors, jars, etc. These items were then dropped from heaven and given to the humans." It took me a couple of minutes to stop thinking about how that would play out as a Monty Python skit, which I assume isn't the sort of fantastic grandeur you were trying to achieve.
Back to the sacrifice: is it sacrifice of a human, as stated in Magic/Cursed Properties, or of a "thing," as stated in Extra Information?
If the necklace is put on a tree and disappears, where does it go? I got the impression (from "Later") that it could only translocate itself a short distance (like, for example, the distance from a man's pocket to his neck).
The necklace's powers, overall, seem weaker than the backstory would suggest. The owner of this necklace has the Goddess of Craftsmanship literally in his pocket, at the risk of his life -- and he can duplicate (in D&D terms) 4th and 5th level spells.
I respectfully disagree with Michael. Your last magic item was more internally consistent, it was much easier to read and understand, and its story matched its powers (even if you did use the old Made by an Evil Mage line). This is a noticeable step back.
Updated: I updated this submission to improve the grammer, and relinquish questions that were brought to my attention.
That's a vast improvement. I've deleted my previous (low) vote.
Updated: I changed my submission from "Request Advice" to "Normal Submission", since there seems to be no more advice able to be given.