“ This is an idea for a basic weapon which I have adapted partially into a fighter subclass. Let me know what you think, because if it's any good, I may post the subclass.
Double Bulwark Shield
Melee weapon (martial, shield)
Category: Items
Damage: 1d6 per hand, 1d4 together
Damage Type: Bludgeoning
Item Rarity: Standard
Weight: 6
When wielding the Double Bulwark Shield in two separate parts, you gain +2 to your AC, +1 per hand.
When wielding two separate parts of the Double Bulwark Shield, you can take an action to bring the two halves of your shield together. Your movement is halved as long as the shield is brought together. If you move or attack after bringing your shield together this turn, you receive a +3 bonus to your AC. If you don’t move or attack after switching this turn, you and an ally directly behind you receive a +5 bonus to your AC. This action is known as Steadfast.
Once the shield is brought together, you may take a bonus action to become Steadfast even if you attack this turn. However, you may not move or attack after becoming Steadfast.
Taking apart your shield is considered a free action.”
“ Eat your sister
breed
kill a goblin
breed
plunder a human farm, kill the farmers, eat the dog
breed
Get killed by first level fighter
breed with ghosts”
“ There are reports of a monster that lurks in the tops of trees and drops down on unsuspecting people. It causes them no damage but it frightens them with a hide-like face with big dead eyes, drooling and barking like a dog while unsuccessfully attempting to have intercourse. The PCs investigate and find that it is the local village moron that is doing the spelunking in the woods. How can they explain this otherwise pleasant and merry man that it is wrong to put on a mask, drop down from trees and attempt intercourse with relatives and neighbours.”