New Submissions
Chuliks
By:
[DELETED]
| Hits: | 1095 |
| Comments: | 4 |
| Ideas: | 0 |
| Rating: | 3.25 |
| Condition: | Deleted |
| ID: | 5781 |
The Church of the one true God guards a terrible secret: Their God is dying. He is kept within a tank, steamworks forever pumping to keep him alive, clockwork engines forcing his laboured breathing.
3xp
May 21, 2009, 18:21
The Chuliks are, to me, like orcs that have been advanced to civilization. The writing is easy to read, which is always a plus. There are two things that I would like to see.
First, when you mention the Khibils, although you link to them, you should also tell a bit about them, even if it only a short sentence. This tells us what they are without us having to click on the link and read the sub.
Secondly, I would like more about Shathana, their homeland. You say it is the far South, is it surrounded by jungles? Deserts? Something else entirely?
Good job, RGTraynor, and welcome to the Citadel!
May 21, 2009, 19:33
May 22, 2009, 9:41
May 24, 2009, 19:54
And in truth, the description is pretty scant - big guys with yellow skin and tusks. Mini ogres?
Your writing as Drackler has commented is good and readable, but this like others is a good start.