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Items
Armor
Heroic
1.5
3 Votes

-3xp


Hits: 2051
Comments: 8
Ideas: 0
Rating: 1.5
Condition: Normal
ID: 2107

Submitted:

Updated:
July 1, 2009, 4:08 pm

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play: Bad Example Dissection

By:

the ‘‘genjist’’ armor is a powerful armor used by a legendary hero. it provides a subtle yet comforting feel.
raises defence by 200

Full Item Description

the ‘‘genjist’’ armor is a powerful armor used by a legendary hero. it provides a subtle yet comforting feel.
raises defence by 200 points.

The 'genjist' armor is a prime example of a drastically insufficient submission.  While there is nothing wrong with a short submission, this one is painfully devoid of basic detail. We have no idea what the genjist armor looks like, or what kind it is. Worse yet, why is 'genjist' in quotation marks?

The inclusion of the statement 'Raises defence by 200 points screams that this item came from a video game of some sort. There is nothing wrong taking inspiration from a game, but the stats and numbers are better left in said game. It would be more fitting to provide an example of ability rather than a number. Instead of saying +200 defence, the text could read that the 'genjist' armor is capable of stopping even the hammer blows of giants without so much as a dent.

History

used by a legendary hero whos name is unaquired

The History of a magic item should be explained, even if in a cursory fashion. While terribly cliche, being made by a wizard is more than is provided here. We have no idea of where the armor came from or why it was made. There is instead only a reference to a legendary hero who's name is unacquired. If the hero cannot be named, he or she is certainly not legendary.

This could be improved with a brief paragraph about who made it and why. This could be a short wizard made it for a king blurb or an involved epic of how a holy man assisted the unnamed hero steal the armor from the holy dead or somesuch. The hero can be given a few vague exploits that are only touched on for a moment, to give a feel for the armor.

Magic/Cursed Properties
takes 2 points of health from an attacker

Again the gamespeak leaks out. I'm sure if I knew the game that this was inspired by I would understand this statement. As it is, I have no idea if the armor has some mystic function that steals health from foes, or if this is some sort of oddly worded damage reduction function. This section should point out the functional abilities of the armor, what it is vulnerable to, and what sort of other things that might be worth noting.



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Comments ( 8 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Cheka Man
December 28, 2005, 11:09
0xp
This is dreadful. Who made the armour and why? What does it look like?
MoonHunter
December 28, 2005, 12:52
0xp
Folks, this post has been challanged... so unless you actually want to say something positive about the post in an attempt to save it, leave it alone.

Just in case you, our barbarian horde, come back to look at your post...

First: Review!
Review the top rated posts of the category you want to post it. If you want to do an item, click into items, then the highest rated (in red) and it will give you a list of the best items. Read the first ten or so.

Second: Effort!
Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.

Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it.

Third: Check it!
I really mean it. Go through your posts. Make sure it follows the basic rules of grammar. Sentences start with capital letters, end with punctuation, and have everything moderately correct in between. Extra lines should be inserted between paragraphs (and there should be paragraphs). I can not stress the next part more that simply scream, "Spell check!". If you can, copy (from web site) and paste (into word processor) your post into a WP with spell check. Run the spell check (and the grammar check if it has it). Copy and paste it back. If you do this, it will automatically improve your post by one point (on average). If we can simply and easily read your post, we can start critiquing it rather than your awful spelling.


If English is not your primary language, let us know. However, be warned that many of our best posters have English as a second, third, or even fourth language. So all we ask is that you continue to work at it, to get it right. http://www.strolen.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1559


Fourth: Completeness!
Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more "generic", you need to "imply" the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match "The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.") Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.

To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?

Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).

Fifth: NO GAME MECHANICS
This is a game system neutral site. We have less idea about how strong or powerful the item is using game specific rules. 200 could translate into 4k2, 9rpd/25pd, AC 4, or what ever. If you have to include the numbers, do so after the description space.


Sixth: The Gold Standard
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.

If your item/ npc/ plot/ setting is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.

This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right.
Scrasamax
July 1, 2009, 16:08
0xp
Update: Removed from the Archive of Death and annotated as a How Not To write example of a submission.
Silveressa
February 8, 2011, 10:09
0xp

A useful guide for new members, nice to see it getting some sort of worthwhile use :)

 

(On a side note I do believe the armor is from the video game Final Fantasy VI, known as FF III in America for a long time.)

Scrasamax
February 8, 2011, 22:32
0xp
Not necessarily, there is an 11th century Tale of Genji, purportedly the first novel, and there is a Genji family, and there are no shortage of Japanese action and RPGs that involve the Genji theme. Final Fantasy might just be the best known, and probably the most topical.
Voted Silveressa
February 8, 2011, 10:10
Only voted
Ramhir
February 8, 2011, 20:14
1xp

{Gah! At least mine weren't *that* bad!}

Thirty minutes of perusal of the submissions in the Citadel should give anyone an idea of how to write up a sub that is better than this one. The subber couldn't have given it any sort of effort. Even my high school creative writing students would have done a better job than this. Thanks, Scras, for showing us a truely awful sub.

Voted valadaar
May 15, 2013, 11:25
0xp
A great example of making use of an otherwise - questionable - submission.

Freetext



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