New Submissions
Full DescriptionThe adventurers have bedded down for the night,the mages badly in need of ‘beauty’ sleep.
When screaming in the night AH-AH-E-E-TOOKY-TOOKY! !No one sleeps until the damn Tooky bird is dead.
The Tooky bird is for the most part an ordinary parrot about 18 inches long. It is red with a purple and green head(quite pretty)It eats nuts,bugs and fruit. So why are you reading this? The Tooky Bird is very territorial. It will wait until the adventurers have slept a few hours(it is hoping you will leave)and then the ear shattering(ok not that loud)shriek,AH-AH-E-E-TOOKY-TOOKY from about 75 feet away. If you have the ability to talk w/ animals all it will say is ‘GO AWAY!’ It will dodge,fly and evade(it is as hard to hit as a man in plate mail),make it an epic hunt. It will sometimes stop only to come back hours later.
Eventually they defeat it.They go to bed.
Did I mention they come in pairs?
Lifecycle-Mating season(spring) in Tookyland is one of the most unpleasnt things your ears can behold. The squaking and screaching of females fighting off males is most unpleasnt.When the female finally settles on a mate she will lay 2 or 3 goldish eggs that are rather large for thier size. Once mated,the birds are together for life(about 10 years)
The Tooky makes a poor choice as a pet as it will always squak at anything dog sized or bigger(including the owner)
As a guard animal it will only work if left in an undisterbed location that is seldom used.
Adventure hooks
Your rich neibor has gotten a Tooky bird and no one on the block is getting any sleep.Infultrate and destroy.
An old wizard on his death bed has freed his Tookys in a big city as a last request. Being territorial they are all over,will not leave ,loud and Nasty-The Town is offering a small reward for each bird terminated.
May 4, 2008, 13:09
1. Punctuation. Put spaces after it. This doesn't really detract from the thing very much, but it might make the submission smoother if you add in the spaces.
2. Guys in platemail are easy to hit. Like, really easy. Unless they have really long arms and a club or something and can just smack you away before you can reach them. I think a better comparison would be "Hitting a Tooky Bird is as hard as hunting hummingbirds in full platemail with a cannon."
3. It really isn't long enough. It's a good idea, so the longer it is the better. Try and add more of a description of the bird, talk about it having an unusual beak or something. Do it's feathers have any special properties? Add some plot hooks. Like, maybe once a year the Tooky Birds all congregate at some mating place, and the PCs happen to have camped right in the middle of it. I'm sure you can think of something better than that one.
Anyway, this is a very good minor encounter.
May 4, 2008, 13:25
May 4, 2008, 13:58
I will hold off my vote for now.
Forgive us a little, but we are sticklers for formatting things correctly with spaces and appropriate whitespace - that will hurt you a little when it comes to votes. I think, as it stands, a 2.5 is about what I would give it. With a little editing and perhaps a few plotline ideas it would easily make a solid 3 (which is still a perfectly good post that we are more than happy with!)
May 4, 2008, 14:44
May 4, 2008, 15:13
Good improvements!
May 4, 2008, 15:23
May 4, 2008, 16:09
May 4, 2008, 16:32
While the punctuation and so forth could be better, they aren't bad enough to make the post difficult to read, which is good.
I prefer the second hook to the first (who but a wizard would buy one of these birds?!), but they're both usable ideas.
So yes, a solid submission.
May 4, 2008, 17:37
May 4, 2008, 19:11
As others can attest to, I tend to be distracted by spelling and punctuation errors. There are a lot of missed periods, and lack of spaces following punctuation.
For example,
"It is red with a purple and green head(quite pretty)It eats nuts,bugs and fruit. "
"It is red with a purple and green head (quite pretty). It eats nuts, bugs and fruit. "
Perhaps a personal thing with me, but I find these things distracting.
May 4, 2008, 20:59
May 4, 2008, 21:10
May 5, 2008, 0:03
Oh, and to make life easier, they are supposed to throw this link at you:
Five Best Tips for Posting on Strolen's (and Other Places)
Also, edit out the last Additional Information if you are not going to use it. I would also recomend you make your own little headers to better organize it.
May 5, 2008, 9:50
For me, this is an idea seed, rather than a sub. It is an annoying bird, or "mildly troublesome", as Dozus notes.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work!
May 5, 2008, 14:42
The punctuation and formatting do need work.
The borrowed idea works well enough in comedy -- it might be even funnier that it's an annoying cartoon bird -- but in more serious subs it's better to disguise it. (On a side note, kudos for not posting the Aflac Duck, which would require the GM to be wearing full body armor during play.)
Speaking of body armor, the "man in plate mail" line clashes a bit with the Citadel's no-stats, system-neutral style (it's a noticeable reference to Armor Class). Worse, it implies that the bird is hard to hit because of some inherent toughness or thick hide, and not because it's small, fast, and nimble.
May 6, 2008, 18:56
May 6, 2008, 19:32
May 11, 2008, 17:05