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Rating: 2.9231
Condition: Normal
ID: 1108


October 29, 2005, 12:08 pm

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Corticus the Strong


Ppoor little Corticus, born much smaller then the other fauns. Someone needs to help him out, someone needs to build him up…


7ft. 5in. 364lbs of pure muscle, this dark skinned faun has the upper portion of a buff muscular dark male with two large, curved, ram like horns atop his head. He has very muscular almost horse like legs rather then the assumed goat hind quarters on most fauns. A short beard borders his jaw line. He is only furry on his lower portion his human upper half has barely any hair at all, except for on his arms.


After being born premature, this faun came out smaller then that of any average faun and almost didn’t make it through birth. He was born into your typical village populated by a majority of fauns. IT had your pubs, your blacksmiths, your tailors, and pretty much everything you could find in any town. They were quite up to pace in their lifestyles and were matching the intelligence of humans. The wore clothes and faught with armor. They had armies and schools. His father was a blacksmith and created the village’s weapons and his mother was the common house woman. She had preyed to the gods many nights hoping for a child, and was blessed with her first and only born Corticus.

His father was never around and so he grew up weak with out a father figure. Growing up was hard on him since he was smaller then the other fauns making him the smallest creature in the forest. He was a victim of many a cruel joke and constantly picked on. He suffered traumatic bullying and constant pranks on his behalf. He told his mother of this but she did nothing but comfort him which in the long run only made him softer. He even occasionally told his father but he would merely tell him to toughen up. His father was never happy with his son. Since he was born weak, he could never pass down his shop to him. So he gave up on him. He only had two loves in his life: His mother, and a faun named Diana.

Diana Rosalia was a beautiful faun whos human portion resembled that of a voluptious vixen of beauty and had sleek slender goat legs white a light shade of grey for fur. She was the only one that would treat Corticus with kindness. A tough faun named Brutus grew quite jealous of this and decided to show Corticus who truly deserved Diana. After his severe beating Corticus decided enough was enough. His mother would do nothing for him, and his father had deserted him. It was time for him to change the way his life was going. He ran away from home during the middle of the night and left his small village in the middle of the forest.

He travelled until he reached a rather tough looking town. The town was filled with three pubs, a couple of inns, and many other buildings. However the most eye catching of the buildings, was that of the villages arena. Corticus enter the crowd area and watched the center rink where two dwarves stood shirtless in their own grappling stances circling the arena. Many drunks were hooting and hollering while sexy and scantily dressed women danced around provocatively in the crowd of drunken brutes. A band played in the background quite wildly which got the crowd rowdy and wild. Corticus was of course pushed in shoved around the crowd. He was already a customed to this and maneuvered his way out through the exit. He sat next to the wall of the building and said to himself “I need to be doing stuff like that.” Overheard by a neighboring minotaur, he was startked by the reply from the shadows “I can help you with that.” Scared almost to death the faun stumbled to the grown and quickly turned to see who said that. The minotaur made himself more noticed and step from the shadows with his jug of liquor. He said “ Hi, the name’s Mitus.”
“H-h-hello my name is Cor-c-cor-Corticus.” He stumbled.
“ So Corticus you wanna be a fighter huh? Well maybe I can help you, for a price. You see, I was once a champ fighter, I would always place money on myself to win and collect the winnings and it wasn’t long after that before I was getting paid to beat the crap out of people. I quickly got bored and retired with my winnings. But, I still love fighting, and would love to teach a potentially great apprentice like yourself.” The minotaur smiled at the scrawny Faun who looked at him confused and puzzled. “Why would you help me? I mean look at me! I’m scrawny, PUNY. I’d have no chance.” Proclaimed the baffled faun. He explained how he was born premature and therefore unfit to fight anyone.
“Well, yeah your alittle scrawny, but not after I’m through with you. You see I also was born prematurely. I never let that stop me. My father would just push me harder. He wouldn’t let me grow up weak. He pushed me way passed my limits. He even pushed me passed his limits. Now look at me.” The minotaur flexed a bicep and smiled. “ All have to do is pay me 250 gold pieces every four weeks. I can’t just do this for nothing I gotta think about myself now. I know it seems a bit weird for me to help a complete stranger but I guess I’m just a nice guy. Besides it would be fun. I’ve always wanted to be a mentor minotaur. Has a nice ring to it. So look you gonna let me help you or what?” The minotaur growing a little inpatient leaned against the wall and eyed the faun. Corticus thought about it for a couple of seconds then he said “Ah what the heck, why not.” And a beautiful alliance was formed.

Corticus wrote his mother a letter as not to let her worry, and of course to get the money from her, and went under the guidance and physical training of Mitus. He made his push boulders up montains, and climb trees with rocks strapped to his back. He pushed Corticus to the very brink of breaking him. Corticus, however, was determined to never give up and to take every bit of training the minotaur could dish out. After all he was kind enough to do this for him.

Months passed and before the a full year had passed Corticus had already reached the size of his teacher. Feeling quite proud, the minotaur told Corticus it was time for his first fight. He signed Corticus up for a small amateur gambling fight. It was against another minotaur. Corticus feeling alittle nervous, as it being his very first fight, started to have doubts. But Mitus coached him through it. After a couple of well delivered punches, head butts, and kicks, he managed to take down his first opponent leaving with only a few scars and bruises. Corticus began dominating opponent after opponent.

Two months had passed and his reputation grew wide, he was getting offers from kings, and rich citizens from other villages to visit and show his fighting skills. But Corticus decided it was time to go home first. Mitus also decided to resume his travels and would go exploring again like he used to do. He bid farewell to his greatest friend and mentor Mitus and left for home.When he returned the village couldn’t recognize him. The Fauns and other Citizens could hardly recognize him. He went to his home and his mother was first shocked then overjoyed. She hugged her son for a great deal and kissed him several times. She told Corticus how much she had missed him and how good he looked. He handed his mother a sack of gold coins. “This is to repay you for everything you’ve given me mother.” His mother tried her best not to accept it but Corticus would not take no for an answer. He then told his mom he had something to do in the village before he would be off again. He hugged his mom and bid her farewell once again. He started asking around town for Brutus. After his series of jaw drops and startled faces they all replied that they hadn’t seen him. Corticus began his search through town and sure enough he found him. Only it seemed he caught him at a bad time.

He heard the sounds of a couple arguing. The shouting quickly turned to screaming. Corticus ran to dark area in which the screams were coming from, only to find Diana and Brutus. Except, Brutus had a large portion of Diana’s top ripped off into his grip. Brutus dropped the ripped clothing and walked over to Corticus, still not recognizing him. Diana stood their covering her partly exposed breasts staring hard. “Oy lad, you need somethin’?” Brutus glared at him angrily.

“Corticus!!!” Diana exclaimed realizing who the intruder was. “Shorticus!? Is that really you? Oy lad, where you been buffing up all this time? Hey while you were gone, guess who was here dominating this here town.” He smiled a cocky smile at Corticus, who did not smile back. He just stared Brutus in the eyes. His past memories flashed through his head. All of his poundings, all of his pranks, that’s all he could think about. Brutus opened his mouth as if to say another smart comment, but was only halted by a flying fist thrown by Corticus. He knocked the big faun down. He tried to charge him, as a response, but was no match for the new and improved Corticus. After a few quick blows, Brutus was down for the count. Corticus ran over to Diana and hugged her. She kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for helping her. Corticus felt proud of his accomplishment; maybe, alittle too proud.

He began to get big headed. Feeling unbeatable, he began fighting everyone and anyone that would dare oppose him or get in his way. Diana seeing what he had become, began to despise him and Corticus barely cared about his mother anymore. Feeling that there was nothing left for him in that town he made his departure. Training and Fighting his way to the top, he began challenging the most fierce of creatures. He took down Minotaurs, Werewolves, and gangs of dwarves. He earned tons of gold from his fights and soon lost track of reality thinking himself the strongest being ever. He soon forgot his child hood past, and how weak he once was.

Shortly after his last battle, he received a challenge from new opponent he had not heard of. His name was Crisis. He followed the instructions the note left for him and quickly made his departure for the remote area described in the note. Corticus was soon greeted by an extremely well built centaur. The centaur smiled and greeted Corticus. “Hello, I am Crisis.”

“Names Corticus and I didn’t come here to talk.” Corticus charged and was surprisingly stopped by the remarkably strong centaur. Crisis held Corticus by his two thick horns curved atop his head. He picked Corticus up by his horns and flung him back. Startled at first he shook it off and began another charge. This time he jumped and attempted to tackle him. But Crisis was much too fast for him and galloped sideways avoiding the attack and making a fool of Corticus as he hit the ground hard. Crisis kicked him with a hoof and picked him up for a strong direct punch. Corticus lost that fight fast and his spirit was crushed. Crisis dusted himself off and galloped over to where Corticus lied in defeat. He then told the Faun, not one person is the best, there will always be one stronger then you. He then left the faun to think about his words and regain his spirit. Corticus then snapped out of it. His anger quickly turned to appreciation. The defeat marked a new fighting spirit in him. Corticus now knowing he is still not the greatest, has a new fighting spirit and continues his training alone, still fighting for money and earning his keep. After much traveling, Corticus found himself in a small quiet town. He decided to stop by the local pub for a drink. It was there he would meet another challenger. His name was Moses Duff…

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Comments ( 9 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

April 13, 2005, 22:02
I hope I'm getting better at this and not worse.
Ancient Gamer
April 14, 2005, 2:22
My basis for awarding points: 3 points

Things I like:
-An effort has been made to improve +1 point

Things I did not like:
-Eyes glow red in battle... red glowing eyes are a cliche. Other cliches too, like a zoo of a cast. -1 point
-Characters seem monodimensional and predictable, like they are all in their early teens. No depth, 8th grade conversations. -1 point
-The beginning character development seems improbable, like wish fulfillment for your personal secret dreams. +-0 points (balanced out by ending)
=2 points

Good luck in the future Loki. I really want you to get a 4+ submission soon!
April 14, 2005, 10:44
Yeah, it might have helped more if I added how old he was and what age all this happened at. I took out the little red eye part since I never could come up with an interesting reason why the glowed red. I also didn't want to over do his background story making it so long that you would lose interest. This was yet another pathetic attempt at me being original, I will edit this and yeah, I will keep trying for the four star post.
April 14, 2005, 16:23
You are improving, I knew thatthis NPC was going to come up with a 'he got everything he wanted' ending, which would have been lame. I think it is good that he fell to the corruption of power, and I can see him being quite narcissitic and shallow, considering his rapid rise in ability.

3/5 and steadily improving
Ancient Gamer
April 14, 2005, 19:54
I do not consider your attempts at originality "pathetic" Loki! You are probably much, much, much better than I was at your age (depending on your age). I was the ultra-pathetic GM in my younger days; I was a munchkin, I loved monty haul, my NPCs were Mary Sues and the setting was like something cut and pasted from a lousy TSR (Nowadays WotC) novella.

Keep up the attempts, listen to feedback, even my harsh reviews, and remember that the other critics might not agree with me (or with Scras, or Moon, or whoever). Find your own niche, your own target audience and genre, and create stuff you like within that genre.
April 14, 2005, 20:08
Yeah, I'm probably alot older then alot of people think. I'm 17. So I'm not exactly sure what the age range is around here but I met a guy 35 yrs old on here. Thanks Gamer I do value everyone's comments as they help me to get alittle better at my posts. Thank you all for your brutal and harsh honesty.
Ancient Gamer
April 15, 2005, 7:51
There are alot of vintage GMs here. The age range is probably 10-50. I am 30 going on 31, so not that ancient in comparison with some of the Citadel regulars.

The average citadelian is about 16-25
April 15, 2005, 13:40
Heh, I started GMing when I was ... duh, perhaps 15 or so... you should have seen how my NPCs sucked then. My adventures were miles after miles of dungeons - when I found the notes from back then during a cleanup, I tossed them out, embarassed.

From your posts, I see a desire to say a lot, but you tend to blurt it out in one breath - the ideas are good, but they need a second layer - the same way a piece of meat isa good thing, but is made much more appealing through the addition of seasoning,sauce, potatoees, a nice dish of salad and proper presentation.
The scrawny guy training under a master to become mighty is a staple of fiction, tried and good,but needs something to set him apart from all those karate kids and the like, something special.
Likewise, the griffon tamer is a nice idea, though its potential has not yet stirred, and lies dormant.

Thumbs up, Loki
April 14, 2012, 19:01

wtf is with all the wierd sybols is it my computa messing or this site

Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

       By: MoonHunter

Patterns in surnames: There are many ways a surname could have evolved over centuries. One possibility is migration. A Roman name may have traveled to France and hence to England where it was later Anglicized. Case in point - the surname Lawrence went from Laurentius (Roman) to Laurent (French) to Lawrence (English) and then to Lowry (Scottish). There is also natural etymological evolution. For example, a Middle English spelling may have evolved to a modern English spelling (e.g. Stiward to Stewart). Where did your character's Surname come from?

Ideas  ( Society/ Organization ) | August 7, 2005 | View | UpVote 0xp

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