Simple, but full of flavor. While specifically mentioning a persona that created them, these could be adaptable to any setting with technology befitting the necessity. I can picture a wave of these just sweeping over a tract of land, leaving nothing alive in it's wake.
I do hope to read more about Sanctum and the Desecrator. Go to Comment
Um, yes. Obviously a sweet idea, with a lot of potential. But I need a lot more than that. From your text, I can get no mental picture of these critters. You have no description at all, in fact. Also, I would welcome an insight into how they work, magic/mechanically. You say that they are kept alive by technology rather than magic? Expand upon that, instead of just leaving that teaser hanging. Indeed, I want you to draw me a picture, to show me how sexy these dudes are. You have a lot of potential to expand on the dark and nasty bits that this implies. You need to make your stuff attractive to the audience.
My current vote will have to be low, and that is not because the sub is bad in itself. I just think its a crime to leave so many stones unturned. Thats just being lazy. I expect any sub to: A) be a full exploration of the subject, B) Paint a vivid mental picture, and C) Surprise me with an unforeseen twist or quirk. In all, I need personality, aesthetics and imagery. Right now yor sub lacks all that, but with a bit (a lot) more work, it could be great. Right now its a can of paint, but it could be a Picasso. Judging from the quality of your previous work, and your grasp of the language, you easily have the skills to manage that.
I will revise my vote when/if you give this a bit more work. If you want to juggle ideas, I´ll be happy to help. Just drop me a PM.
Much improved, and I do apologize for my acidic tone earlier - I should have realized this was an In Work submission!
Even though I can now picture these creatures clearly, I still feels as if something is missing. You have some wonderful lines, like cogs poking through rotting skin, the sound the mechanisms make as they move etc. I believe we need more of that kind of imagery to kick this sub up to its fullest potential.
Even so, with a few quick and descriptive lines, you have radically changed this sub from an irritation (good subject, bad sub) to something to take seriously, something that evokes reaction. All it needs now is a few finishing touches.
I´ve changed my vote from 1/5 to 3/5, but it could easily be 5/5; the subject is powerful enough for that. And you obviously have the skill to make the presentation worthy of it. Just. A. Few. More. Steps.
Hm. The description is nice, but I agree with Dozus. Do these have any special abilities? Why are they so hard to use- are they just best used with a particular and obscure fighting style, or is there something more mystical involved? I'm having a little trouble visualizing them, could you clarify the description a little? Also, I'd like to hear more about these insular and somewhat sinister elves. Go to Comment
Not exactly sure why everyone is holding back on voting. So here are my two cents. Elven fighting knives, interesting application but I think Dozus nailed it with his comment 'This there's cool knife. You don't know how to use it, but if you did, it'd be awesome'
This seems to be rather arbitrary and I tend to dislike arbitrary items, smacks too much of gamer's footprint and metagaming. But that being said, these arent bad, they just arent great either.
Hm. I feel like I've been told "This there's cool knife. You don't know how to use it, but if you did, it'd be awesome." Beyond that, I feel like I'm not given much beyond a name and some vague mention of wizards and elves.
What makes the knife so awkward? It sounds like just a basic fighting dirk. You've given some skeletal background info, but I'm craving more.
Don't get me wrong, Railus, you really are improving. You just need to work on fleshing out some of the more emaciated subs. Keep it up! Go to Comment
I ran into the same problem, trying to incorporate a whole setting into a few subs. A couple of suggestions there:
1. If all your subs come from the same game world/setting, link them together. Either freetext them or link to them in the sub. Either way, if you really want us to know all your subs are coming from 1 setting, tell us.
2. It can be hard selling a sub by itself if it's part of a setting. If possible, separate the sub from the setting. I originally intended my Tagma Drakontas to be part of a big, overarching setting. But, realizing I couldn't do that, I snipped the connections to the rest of my game world and made references that were vague, but didn't leave a lot wanting. In general, subs that stand on their own do better than those that are setting-specific. It just tends to make it easier for us to read.
3. If you do want to do a whole series on your game world, plan it out and give it to us in easy-to-swallow segments. Starting with the details of a particular weapon of a particular race might not be the best option. Maybe you want to tell us the major kingdoms and places in your setting first, then work your way down. This option requires *a lot* of planning, however, and you might want to start just by having free-standing subs. Go to Comment
As soon as you classify an item as non-magic, you step into the real world and any shortcomings can be torn at. Without magic, you really need to explain _how_ it works the way it does.
A short, non-magical weapon that is awkward to use without a lot of training is going to be inferior to typical martial weapons given reasonably equal users. If elves with short, curved knives can kick the ass of a more conventionally armed warrior, then its the elf that kicks ass, not the weapon. This reminds me of the Gurkas, who on retrospect, may have been the inspiration for this weapon. I'd rather read about the elves.
I guess I was not clear enough in the description. This is not a magical item, this is simply a racial weapon of the elves in my gaming world. The shape of it, almost a "c" shape is what makes it awkward so special training is required to use it effectively. When used in pairs and in combination with the fighting style of the Silverwood Elves, they become rather potent weapons, increasing their damage and chance of hitting a vital area.
So far I have been posting things about a gaming world that is mostly in my head, I guess I need to post more about the world before introducing aspects of it. I will see what I can do about this. Go to Comment
No where does it say that only elves can use it. It says that to properly use it, you need specialized training. Its a racial weapon not commonly used outside of the Silverwood and awkward to wield. Go to Comment
Since everyone else is holding off on voting, so shall I. I do like that it is a racial weapon, though I would like to see a write up for the race they belong to. I see you are intending on doing so, so I will just wait and hope you link the two for maximum enjoyment. Go to Comment
Well, if people are going to vote, so shall I. I like mundane items as much as any other items and these seems to be an ingredient to the flavor of elves in Railus' game world. I would love to read more about them, especially if its a new take on elves. Go to Comment
Nice little construct. I like the backstory; I can easily see the head of a small temple making a batch of them, especially since seems like it would be fast and cheap to do. Couple of questions, though. How big are these when they're dormant, and how big do they grow to? I'm imagining they get to be about six feet tall... Also, how did the command word get around? Were there descriptions left of these, including how to activate them? Did some of the original owners escape and bring the secret of these things with them? Is it inscribed on the mantises themselves? Is it a fairly standard command word, and people can guess it? And what happened to Seffa?
The 6ft tall fighting mantis that grows out of a token is cool. But.. It's basically a generic summoning token. It's been done with many other creatures with many other uses besides fighting. It's a good solid idea with a good back story though. So.. 3 for the idea and uniqueness of the mantis and +1 for the background. So: 4. Go to Comment
There is a land far to the east that is a great, desolate, near-empty wasteland home only to barbarians, ghosts and monsters. Many nations launche expeditions to this land, seeking to find the rumored-at treasures and riches beyond it's outer fringe.