There is a tremendous amount of work here. Much of it is very good. As a setting, or more appropriately, three separate settings, those portions are brilliant.
However, imo, this deserves to be broken into approximately 18-20 separate submissions, tied together by a fleshed out campaign thread. By subsuming too much into one thread of thought, many of the creatures and characters are shadows of what they could be. Go to Comment
The scope of this submission is quite simply breathtaking. As usual, Locastus is a living breathing entity, filled with it's intrigues and wars and desperate actions. The steamtech and Chthuloid monsters are simply fantastic. I would love to play a few characters in this setting. Toss a stick grenade into one of those foggy worm holes, tote a few flame thrower tanks out onto the main road and see how much weirdness naptha can burn up, or just the desperate race across the fields of horror, armed with little more than a pair of grenades, three clips of ammo and a rifle. There is another level I noted, beneath the violence and desperation there is a layer of dusty mystery, Akelor itself. The city is of alien origin, but now, before it's secrets could be revealed it was turned into a killing ground and target for mortars and howitzers.
In truth this is splendid! It's somewhat unfamiliar and has mixed some elements that I myself am not used too. But the imagery got across in time and I nailed those splendid, vivid and gritty images of your submission in my mind:D This is one of those submissions you can pick apart and use elements of, or you can take the hole thing and entertain your players with. Oagru Hactor caught my attention and I might use "him" in an upcoming campaign of him(yes I am finally getting back to roleplaying after a years break).
What surprises me the most is that it does not bog down at any given place. It is fluent and good reading all the way trough. Well done David, now go write that book;)
Aha. You mentioning Mountain of Boats reminded me of where else I had seen something this huge, this insanely long of a read. I've seen something roughly this length elsewhere, but no matter.
I absolutely love the atmosphere you created in this sub. To call it creepy is to degrade the horror and terror that this submission evokes. My description of this to Pieh was, "It's like Call of Cthulhu, but with STEAMTECH." I stand by my affirmation and description. This is a brilliant piece of art, and it opened in my mind vast vistas of adventures to be had within this area.
My one complaint is that something so simple as a rocket launcher could force Oagru Hactor-Newath from his interdimensional anchorage. Surely such a formidable being (described as being thaumaturgically powerful beyond description) could put up more of a fight. I should very much have liked to see something like what Mountain of Boats did, with two possible encounters, one as a lower-level encounter, the other as an epic-level campaign ending. I think what you've given here is the former. I think the latter might overload the Citadel with greatness should it ever be published, however.
This submission is the best I've seen in a very long time. While it seems to take up a sizable chunk of my comment, don't take my suggestion for the ending as anything more than a mild afterthought. The total submission more than makes up for such a small thing. Thank you for sharing this vision with us. Go to Comment
Since I read this via emails already, i'll keep it brief. This is an inspirational piece. Very diffcult to even peg down "favorite" parts, because the whole thing is kick-ass. I guess the creatures, for me, punctuated by Oagru Hactor-Newath, are particularly awesome. The history reads well, the timeline and so forth. There are lots of things to steal here, and too many 'whoa' moments to list them all.
Great job is an understatement! Go write that Locastus novel already! Go to Comment
My first thought for a last, climactic battle involved osme form of machine that could close the portal - or maybe remote-deactivate the Warhead. The RPs are given this mission by a stranger, who turn out to be a Hag-sworn agent. The Ur-Kaol Witchocracy wants Akelor opened, so that they can continue their war on Locastus, and so trick the Rps into betraying their nation.
Problem is, That would have added another layer of story and the whole thing would have been just too big. So, I came up with this more modest solution. I excuse the ease with which the RPs drive Hactor-Newath away with the fact that he has never experienced pain, or ever been attacked and hurt. Besides, now he´s back in his home realm - and he´s pissed!
However, if I ever write that book, I´ll use the epic version. But for now, I cant stand having this sub distort space in my "in work" folder..:-)
Anyway, thank you for your comments. I really, really appreciate it.
I apologize for any grammatical irregularities - english is not my first language. As for adjective-heavy prose, I think the Captain and I are both students of the master in that regard, ie HP Lovecraft.
Su-weet! I love the idea of this, mate. It reminds me of the game S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl, in that there are strange mutants created by a (fantasy equivalent of a) nuclear explosion, and that the area's been quarantined. If it's cool, I'd like to put in a li'l short story about a mercenary who is trying to escape from the zone after his unit was wiped out- he's been "infected" by the zone, and is desperate for any possible treatment. However, the mutations have, so far, proven at least somewhat beneficial: improved senses, a limited ability to morph his body, the ability to communicate, to some extent, with local monsters, etc. While he DOES enjoy those advantages, he's still scared as to what other horrifying events they could lead to. That cool?
Also reminds me of Warhammer 40k Daemon World, with what's-'is-name as the Greater Daemon running the place. Go to Comment
This is pretty great, and I enjoyed it a good deal. However, it frequently feels like you are actively trying to write in someone else's style, which can't help but feel forced and off at times. The hyphens and whelter of adjectives is kind of a trademark CP thing, and it works for him. You don't typically write that way, so it doesn't work as well here. Also there were many grammar problems, although its not that surprising given how difficult it must be to edit this massive beast. Again, very creative, cool world, great adventure. Go to Comment
A race of beings actually IS invunerable while in adolecence. They age, but cannot be killed. A miniority of the race (1 in 20) does not become invunerable, but rather becomes immortal at some point in thier adolecence, and ceases aging while being vunerable to death in all the normal ways. Another minority (also 1 in 20) Permanatly becomes invunerable after adolecence, but ages twice as fast as the race normally does. There is no known way to test for which of the three traits an individual manifests and the three traits cannot mix, as they are tied to the same gene, as it were.