Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Rats in the Basement
Dungeons  (Underground)   (Style)
MoonHunter's comment on 2014-11-27 11:54 PM

This good for the quest. The disclaimer on top makes it work, because it made me know going in what I was dealing with. It does reduce its utility for me and a lot of gamers, as we don't Pathfinder (Now, if you could of included Runequest stats....)

Is Pathfinder old school or just old school inspired?

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Attack on Titan/Tales of Symphonia Campaign Hybrid
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
MoonHunter's comment on 2014-11-23 01:25 AM

Normally, I am avoid commenting these days. But. But. ....

I find your execution a bit ... lacking.

If you are going to "borrow a plot" and a "setting" , you need to present it in a story/ description mode. If I didn't look up what you were talking about, I would of had no clue as to what was really going on. (You may or may not need to credit the original sources.)

You should of created a setting post. You should of created a separate post for the plot (and all the future plots).

You CAN NOT include game mechanics in your posts. I don't play the game you are obviously writing to. I can guess some of these... but that is only because I know about 30 some odd game systems (without an emphasis on generic adventure fantasy).

The Description for the material is lacking. I have to make up everything and that is not the point of a submission here.

As with all writing, you CAN NOT ASSUME your readers KNOW ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT YOU TELL THEM. There is no data here that I don't have to look up the original sources for to get.

It has potential. Put this back in your work space... edit the crap out of it... pump up the description... and then you will have a great post and a set of them.

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Attack on Titan/Tales of Symphonia Campaign Hybrid
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
MoonHunter's comment on 2014-11-23 04:48 PM

This post wasn't meant to be qualitatively able to be published as literature - merely points to a plot. It has little to no artistic value in that sense and was vague.

We don't require literature (Have you read some of our posts?). We do request/ require reasonably clear and descriptive writing. The Post is, in its current form at this time, a bit too vague to be really useful for anyone besides you. That includes explaining what the game mechanics/ game system dependent terms mean in story terms so those of us who don't play a particular game can follow along.

You need to give us the story/ plot's flow so we and others can use it. I think that was one of the bigger complaints many had. You can't assume we know what you are talking about. I had to look the games up on the internet to get the references. However, you need to give us a background so we don't have to look stuff up on external sites to follow the post.

You have the basis of a really good set of posts here. With some work, it could be really good.

You can edit it live or move it back to your work space (if you need help on how, find some of us in either the chat or forum). Again, good basics. Now that you know we actually want editted/polished submissions, you can easily bring it up to speed.

Do me a favor and read a number of posts on the site. Randomly even. See where these people are coming from and where the bars are set on the site.

Also Check out the entire site, including the forum. We have an entire section on the forum to work out ideas before they get posted.

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Courtesan's secret weapon
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2014-06-08 01:18 AM
Nice concept. Good use of graphics. Extra bonus for being an item that would actually be made with magic... because it is useful, powerful (without requiring massive magical energy), realistic, and not something that a dungeon adventurer will need.

The descriptions are catchy, but could be drawn out a little more. It feels short, chopped if you will, in places. The piece does not flow as well as it could.

That aside... I like it. One paw up. Go to Comment
Evolutionary Theology
Articles  (Setting Building)   (Game Mastering)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-03-23 05:10 PM
While it is true that most games model their faiths upon grecco-roman or catholic faiths (convience of modelling usually), not all do. I don't think anyone who is not extreme in their view will find this piece heretical. I do think people will find it less than useful.

You started numbering steps and then stopped. You didn't break out various sections.

My big problem is that the theory does not work for anything but Western Culture, and is not doing a great job for that. China went from step 1/1.5 to 5 (with touches of the earlier), and Hindism just breaks it. Sure Campbell implied many things, but elements of his work have long be discarded.

The sectioning is uneven, as are the write ups, in both tone and degree of content.

The Pagan write up sets the tone for the piece and does not apply itself throughout.

Celestrial and Demonic faiths take a Harsh Right Christian view of other cultures.

United Paganism is the only section that seems really useful.

The Messanic section does not make any useful sense to me. It is in need of a rewrite.

The Godless faith section has good points, but does not really do a good job of describing and manifesting the faiths.

This would really work out as a descriptive piece, rather than a model of change. Each segment needs to be expanded to be more useful, the cliff note versions are not working for me. You can imply linkage (X often changes to Y), but do not show that it is lockstep. Additions of other modes might be useful, especially when you break the piece out of the linear model. Go to Comment
Novo São Paulo
Locations  (City)   (Plains)
MoonHunter's comment on 2013-01-14 07:30 PM
Nice little write up for the location.

Not a City Image though. It does not focus on the architecture/location and how that expresses history or the society there. It is an exercise in show, don't tell. This one does not do that.

Still nice material for the setting though. Go to Comment
MoonHunter's comment on 2013-03-31 02:16 PM
Nicely done. Well Written. Good Visuals. Go to Comment
Peripheral Beasts
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Plains)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-08-04 11:06 PM

Love the initial quote. The text is akward to read in spots. (I have only seen it since the wall of text has been broken).

Conceptually it is good. This post seems to be missing the answers to some basic questions and some immediate ones.

Where abouts do these monsters live? Do they attack other things than people? (I mean then why aren't the cities full of these things?)

How do we know about them killing things?  Perhaps description of the wounds? (and the result of an implied large claw)

The pack size means a lot of food that can hear them.

Sonar? They are stealthy, but can be heard.

They also seem to possess some form of intelligence as they appear to communicate with each other,  (replace the comma with a period).

If we can't percieve them, how do we know there are others (or groups)? How do we know they seem to be intelligent? How do we know they communicate with each other?


Good concept.  Execution just needs some umph

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Kingdom Coin
Systems  (Mercantile)   (Specific)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-08-05 12:13 AM

I found the original not only to be more interesting, but better formatted.

Warhammer Piece for those that care.

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The Eight Gods
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Local)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-08-01 12:35 AM
Not ready to be released yet.

The Gods and Goddesses do not realy match the introduction. These are more like a traditional pantheon rather than a rationalist abstract one.

I don't see why Gods that are rational and abstract have to have totem animals/ birds

Are these deities manifest? Do they walk aroudn the world? Why do we need appearances?

...And weapons? Are we supposed to fight your deities? Are there symbolic appearances to the weapons, if there are... what are they?

Gods are innately magical. Why do they have magic listings? Is that their spells or spells they can gift? Go to Comment
The Hammer – The Builder for Unique Clients
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-06-24 01:32 AM
I have 200 some odd ideas and partial submissions in my Mail and G-Docs. I just randomly choose one and polished it up. Go to Comment
The Hammer – The Builder for Unique Clients
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-06-30 06:29 PM
If you were a Science Villian, the first thing you need to figure out is the escape route. So he has one.

It is not what you suspect. You see, you have to be twice as honest on the wrong side of the law (Thank you Dillon). It is about your Reputation and such. You don't damage your rep. If you are not "in their society", you would be a danger. If you were a danger, you would either be dead or too risky to contact. If they even thought you would of installed an external self distruction, he would never get another job. Yet, clients would never hire him again if anyone suspected anything wrong like that. You get exactly what you get and no suprised. And Hammer still has an escape route.

Really, his escape route is an email drop.

You see, he would never take the psychotic client. You know the ones, "Kill everyone who knows anything about this base?" kind. First, those people would never hire an outside person anyways. After all, it could leak out through the missing person. They probably would never get his name (he works through referal) and Hammer would never accept a request, if Hammer didn't know he was safe and he knew the villian/ organization. Yet, one can not be too careful.

His escape route. If you are going to see someone who might be a danger, you set the email timer. If The Hammer don't check back, the email goes out to every one of his clients. "I have been comprimised. Rescue me or defeat X (and here is the address and here is everything on the target), or I send out the location of your project. You have 72 hours."

Every villian, hero, and super agency, will respond. Now... this escape route would be spread around the Villian Community. Everyone would know it would happen. If anyone who would get his name (as a referral) and would check out, they would know about this.

So if you are an unknown quantity or seemingly dangerous, you don't get a face to face. You get remote contract, maybe if you get contact. Unless the Hammer knows you, you are never going to see him. He will design the thing and let it go. His Wrenches will build it, then leave. You pay ahead of time (only heroes and organizations get credit... they will pay off).

It is only a few beings that get Face to Face time. Most of those were villians he was hanging out with when captured.

Most of the time he is in his lair, drinking Kona coffee, designing things in his HOLO CAD system, and using his rolodex to determine supply sets, and a few lawyer contact layers creating shell companies.

I do like Draco's ideas . Go to Comment
Just in Time
Articles  (At Table)   (Game Mastering)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-06-16 12:32 AM
This is really in the wrong category. It is actually a plot.

As plot goes, it is sort of interesting, but it is very, very hard to pull off. You need to keep people alive (explain how we had thief from the future, when our thief got gicked by that orc band?) Foreshadowing is a nice idea, and something to deal well with, but again hard to pull off. Having played TimeMaster and C0ntinuum (the Time Travel game), this is harder to pull off than you think.

That aside, there are only a few lead ins... and needs some more. There are loose ends. And you need to explain the Time God in your pantheon (which in some worlds will be easy and in others, hard). Go to Comment
Mountain's Coin
Items  (Jewelry)   (Combat)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-06-16 12:39 AM
Only voted. Go to Comment
The Nexus
Locations  (City)   (Other)
MoonHunter's comment on 2012-06-16 02:26 AM
I run Urban Fantasy and Paratime/Waunderer games all the time. This is the perfect location for that kind of game,, either as a place to start or a place to pass through. Go to Comment
Daggers of Torxes
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-11-22 02:52 PM
Okay. You need to format your sentences and paragraphs to make this readable.

Can you read your piece outloud? If you do so, you will find a couple easy to correct errors.

The desolving weapons are interesting, but oddly explained. They don't regenerate do that? Are they one use only? If the assassin was any good (and he was by your prose) then all of these weapons should of been used up.

If he had to sneak the weapons into their hands, so they would kill themselves? Why not send them as gifts (annoymolusly of course).

The compulsion to kill oneself is odd since the weapons used against the target. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
MoonHunter's comment on 2008-04-16 07:30 PM
Actually, you should review this: Five Best Tips for Posting on Strolen's (and Other Places). It is a summary of what we are going to tell you anyways.

Now I want you to make sure to break up your submission into digestable chunks. Make sure each section is labeled. Make sure to put a space between paragraphs. It increases readability.

Each section, in a plot, should have a purpose... like a set of chapters in a novel have a purpose. It should include the parts of the setting that should be important, important non player characters, and any dramatic events the players are probably going to get involved in. You should always find something in one section, a clue, a piece of information, a trail, a smoking gun, that leads you into the next section.

Remember, you are writing this plot so other people can use it, so it needs all the "cool pieces" for them to use.

Also remember to link out to other submissions. Knights of Greed for example. They would make a great Society Submission. Go to Comment
Character Background
Systems  (Technical/ Mechanical)   (General)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-09-25 12:56 PM
Odd double submission, so to be different, I am deleting the first one. Go to Comment
Character Background
Systems  (Technical/ Mechanical)   (General)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-09-25 01:16 PM
Now as a member:

Of this kind of chart, I have seen better, but I have seen worse too. This one does not cover the areas I like to see, but in concept it is a good sub. Go to Comment
Character Background
Systems  (Technical/ Mechanical)   (General)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-09-25 12:57 PM
Starting out: You both were quite accusational. While not a direct attack, you implied one. Please be a bit more careful.

First, copyright is not the concern of members. It is the concern of admins and site owner. So if you have a concern, bring it up to the admins in the apporpriate forums or via PM.

Second, copyright (in the US where the server is) is only enforced (listed as violated) when it infringes upon the value of the work in question. So the question we ask is, "does this submission (in its limited form) mean fewer people will buy the original work?" A question that can not be answered, as it can be argued that because they saw this submission they might be more inclined to buy the complete work.

(In the case of the work sheet, it means less textbooks would be sold for those useful pages. Now if the professor bothered to type in his own list of formulas, even if based loosely upon the text book, there would be less chance of infringement).

Aside: The source was listed as derived. I would of liked to see the original link/ source to properly credit them, but okay a google search find it.

If the work devalues the name or works of a copyright work, then the work could also a source of contention. Thus the Sex books for D20 created issues as they reduced the value of the D20 properties (despite the open license at the time) and opened the owners of said property up to litigation (as they can be listed in any suit brought and they have deeper pockets). And notice that nobody paid attention to that net book until someone published it in form (and oddities of perception....)

Now it was totally pirated and presented as a substitution for buying the book, then it is obvious agress.

If every site that used elements of a copyrighted work were sued, most gaming sites on the internet (except those using D20s open license material and only that material) would be shut down.

You notice how many are still open?

There is no money in it, as it would cost them more in legal fees that it would be worth. And the bad PR would put a dent in the company's retail listing, as gamers would go "well ptuh on you dude."

Having worked in the industry, most game companies see fan sites as helpful advertising for their game systems. Now if we were making money at this, there might be a concern. But since we are not and everyone who is truly interested in the material will get around to buying actual product, it is good for them. Go to Comment
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       By: Strolen

Silk Armor? The Mongols wore silk undergarments under layers of leather armor. Why? Because silk is very strong. If an arrow hit them and made it through their armor, it would usually not have enough energy to puncture the silk. It could still enter their body but, because the silk would not break, the arrow's barbs could not do their work and the arrow could easily be removed leaving a relatively clean wound considering normal arrow wounds.

Ideas  ( Items ) | December 11, 2002 | View | UpVote 4xp