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NPCs
Major
Knowledge/Lore
2.44
8 Votes

-2xp


Hits: 4211
Comments: 11
Ideas: 0
Rating: 2.4375
Condition: Normal
ID: 2704

Submitted:

Updated:
May 31, 2006, 12:06 pm

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Volomain

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Volomain is a great wizard which has the rank of Master of the Bones.

Appearance

Volomain stands eight feet tall and appears bald,  but he is not, he has long, rich and flowing invisible hair. He is very thin and wears tight, red leather armor that squeeks whenever he moves. Addinitional spikes can be found all over the leather, the armor has wizard runes on it. His face has some serious hawkish features, and his adams apple always rows back and forth on his thin neck when he tries to speaks. It is normal for people to be approached by him with a “sleerghshhh”  for a hail. 

History/Background

He was the eunuch slave apprentice of the great sorcerer Mandible Silvio. But one day, a raven stood by his bed, cocked his head and spoke; “Volomain, thou hast been trough a lot. therefore I free you from your masters evil grasp of your once so pure soul. You must travel to the secret tower of bones and become the new master of the bones.” The bird flew out the window.
“Grab a horse and follow me”  it cried. Volomain did so, apperantly   no one tried to stop him, not even his former masters clay golems.
They just drooled mud and observed him stupidly as he reached for the finest horse in the stable.

The journey was long and harsh, but his horse carried on trough the plains of Irdorath. Fog veiled their sight, the raven cried from the sky, and greit stone statues, withered, looked down upon him as he went. After they entered the mountains of desolation and looked upon the Tower of Bone. His horse died right there. he entered as the raven flew away. A last screech of warning was heard as it flew away.  “Only the red armor of wizard runes will give you the power you crave, put it on before the tower awakens.”
Volomain did so and within the tower he learned the power to move bones. 

Special Equipment

The red armor which gives him the power to control the tower and move bones. It is his telepathic key to the world of bones.

He also has a skeletal hand of great power which enables him to control his enviroment with mind bullets and telekineses. But he does not really have this power, only trough the hand itself can he master his enviroment and do strange things.

Roleplaying Notes

Volomain controls this great tower and reigns over the mountains of desolation. The tower functions as a beacon for tresarure hungry adventurers so he have to watch his back all the time.

Plot Hooks.

-The heroes vistit his tower while he travel around and fix things.
He finds them in his tower and deals with them as he sees fit.



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Comments ( 11 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Murometz
May 31, 2006, 9:00
0xp
This one is strange. On one hand it offers delicious details, and one the other hand it seems that many questons are left unanswered. Such as 1-whats the armor's story? 2-why does it affect bone? 3- whats the tower's "secret"? 4- what happens if the tower "awakens"? who/what/where/how? etc.

I really like this submission actually. Love "Mandible Silvio", love the way you describe Volomain's appearence, love the clay golems "drooling mud" as they stare dumbly at Volomain, and like the basic story. It makes me want to learn more.

I would vote but I cant because this sub is awaiting approval apparently.
Cheka Man
May 31, 2006, 12:40
0xp
I will hold my vote for now.
Voted MoonHunter
May 31, 2006, 13:36
0xp
Volomain is a great wizard which has the rank of Master of the Bones.

wizard THAT has

Who grants him this rank? Self appointed? Is this important to the world? Do we care.

Lets just go down the line...
he has long, rich and flowing invisible hair. Really need to explain this and how it happened.

He is very thin and wears tight, red leather armor that squeeks whenever he moves. Addinitional spikes can be found all over the leather,

He is very thin. He wears tight red leather armor adorne with mystical runes and spikes, which squeeks when ever he moves.

Okay, you are hitting most of the points of description in a very convoluted way. You need to put things in an order that make sense.

It is normal for people to be approached by him with a "sleerghshhh" for a hail.
WHY?

History/Background

one day, a raven stood by his bed, cocked his head and spoke; "Volomain, thou hast been trough a lot. therefore I free you from your masters evil grasp of your once so pure soul. You must travel to the secret tower of bones and become the new master of the bones." The bird flew out the window.
Would be nice if a) you explained the bird a little bit and b) you spell checked and capitalized.


The journey was long and harsh,
If it was terrible and harsh, you should explain why it is. So far it just sounds as bad as a car ride down to the next down without air conditioning.

"Only the red armor of wizard runes will give you the power you crave, put it on before the tower awakens."
Okay interesting.

Volomain did so and within the tower he learned the power to move bones.
And you set up this great story then cop out at the end. It is like watching the Original Star Wars trillogy and after the first movie explaining the other two as: "And Luke destroys the Empire."

The red armor which gives him the power to control the tower and move bones. It is his telepathic key to the world of bones.
Where did it come from? What is the master of the Bones? Why does the tower away. Too many questions AND NO ANSWERS.


Volomain controls this great tower and reigns over the mountains of desolation. The tower functions as a beacon for tresarure hungry adventurers so he have to watch his back all the time.
Why is this a Roleplaying Note? It is about the plot? How does he rule? Does he have any people? Does anyone live or even pass through these mountains? Does anyone care that he is in charge of them?

Plot Hooks.
-The heroes vistit his tower while he travel around and fix things.
So the rogue runs forth and fixes the toaster, which did not brown on both sides evenly. The Cleric, hits the radiator with her mace and the steam comes hissing out and the room warms... And the ranger changes the light bulbs. Is this what you meant?

He finds them in his tower and deals with them as he sees fit.
Why does he ever leave the tower? Does he take a nap and find out that someone has been eating his porriage?

Okay. DESCRIBE THINGS! You need to follow through and completely describe things that exist.

Read your write ups before you submit them, line by line. Besides catching spelling and grammar mistakes, any sentance that does not make sense OR lives an unanswered question MUST BE ADDRESSED. Add additional description (in sentence or in the next one).
Voted Scrasamax
June 1, 2006, 7:22
0xp
While there are certainly some head scratchers in this sub, my favorite being that Volomain's hair is invisible (?) this is not that bad of a post. If it is compared to Arrkrash there is a huge margin of improvement.
Voted Murometz
June 1, 2006, 8:21
Only voted
Voted Michael Jotne Slayer
June 3, 2006, 10:28
0xp
This is a great step forward Agony. 2.5/5
Voted Wulfhere
October 17, 2006, 15:18
0xp
This is a cool NPC! It definitely needs a lot of editing and revision, but he has a lot of interesting details and quirks! Squeaky red leather armor, the mysterious bird that heralded his freedom, his odd appearance, golems drooling mud, it's all very unusual and cool.

I like him, but I wholeheartedly agree with the comments that you have already received. You should print a copy of your writing and have a friend edit it; it's hard to see your own mistakes or odd phrasing, but it's easy to see someone else's mistakes. The author Clark Ashton Smith used to sit in the park and read his stories aloud; that let him find the parts that didn't sound the way he had intended. I recommend that you do so as well.

I also would like to see more of the mysterious master sorcerer Mandible Silvio and his golems.
CaptainPenguin
June 9, 2007, 16:13
0xp
Hmmm, I dunno'. I sort of like it! You just need to iron out kinks. By "invisible hair" did you mean "transparent" or something like that? I actually am quite amused/impressed with the salute- sllllerrrrsssshhh indeed!
You should explain to us why it was that his master did not stop him from escaping. Was the crow the symbol of some god's protection, and if so, why did this god choose Volomain to be master of the bones?
Voted Dozus
October 4, 2007, 8:06
0xp
Volomain sounds like a great guy, but I'm really more interested in this "Tower of Bones." Who built it? What does it do? Why is it made of bones? What's with the red armor? If I had background that covered that, being such an important aspect of the character, I think I could really dig him.

It's a great start with some interesting detail, but it needs some more background to be really accessible. I'd love to see how much further you can take this sub, Agony.
Voted valadaar
October 4, 2007, 8:50
0xp
It has the 'bones' to be something great - but needs both flesh and correction of the spelling mistakes. Why not correct them? 5 minutes of work would have prevented many bad comments? If you have problems with the built in spellcheck, use a word processor and then cut and paste!

I may also post occasionally with a spelling error or two, but will correct them as soon as I notice or others point them out.

With added flesh and corrections of spelling and grammar, I'd happily give it a 4, but as it stands "it has promise" and so a 2.5.
Voted Kassy
June 23, 2014, 8:53
0xp
Have a 2.5/5 for this one.


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