Login or register. (You can now login/register with your social networks.)

Articles
Humor/ Editorial
Gaming - Genre
4
4 Votes

24xp


Hits: 543
Comments: 7
Ideas: 1
Rating: 4
Condition: Normal
ID: 7033

Submitted:

Updated:
October 9, 2012, 11:14 am

Vote Hall of Honour

You must be a member to use HoH votes.
Author Status

Options


Print Friendly and PDF

Headlines from the Cosmic Era

By:

All the news thats fit to upstream

Androids Demand the Vote

Androids have long been denied many basic human rights, but a coalition of android sympathizers, seibertronians, and cyborgs gathered for a peaceful rally in New Sacramento. The leaders of the rally called for equal rights for robots. Seibertronians and AIs are recognized intelligent beings, but neither is afforded the same level of legal protections and rights under the Pacific Rim Coalition Articles of Government. Many sympathizers have ties to industrial android interests, or pro-robot factions from Japan. Similar but smaller rallies have occuring in cities in the Federation, Alliance and the ACPS. 

Human Pets

A lab in Korea has successfully and controversially created the first 'Teacup Humans'. Rather than being 'midgets' or 'dwarves' as derided by the ableist media, these are humans who do not exceed a pre-pubescent level of development and have an expected lifespan of 15 to 20 years. All the good things about having children, without the financial burdens of college funding, military service, or causing social unrest through rebellious teenage years. The lab in question, remaining anonymous at this point, has already been the subject of several investigations for violations of Human Cloning Laws. Many opponents of the practice point out that android children are easily available and do not create a disposable living being. There is already a lawsuit pending in the World Science and Morals Court that the 'Teacup Humans' are in fact Human - (minus, or negative) and are in violation of the Tycho Conventions.

Designer Pets Reach New Heights

Rather than just cloning lost pets or accepting cybernetic replacement, several science labs have banded together with a major pet/animal retailer to premiere designer pets. Some examples of these designer animals include felines with a full array of colors and body patterns to chose from. According to a source inside the company, they are expecting the soft pink solid and rainbow tabby patterns to be top sellers. Also on the line are designer canines with similar color and marking patterns. There are also a whole new plateau of breeds available, from the teacup dane to the Great Chihuahua.

Ganymede Revolt Put Down

The Ganymede colonies have long been a hot spot for extraterrestrial dissidents. A night club at the Bowman Colony was badly damaged by an explosion. The radical Free Ganymede Society has taken credit for the blast. A 30 second data feed was leaked to the CogNet of an exultant 'Commander Talana' claiming that her organization set the explosives to strike a blow at corporate greed and puritanism. The FGS is better known for it's Nude Blue protests where pro-colonials will paint themselves blue and protest nude. AzureCorp, the makers of blue skin pigmenting gene treatments has seen it stock plummet 16% since the feed was  leaked.

St. Mark's Day

An obscure saint from the 22nd Century, Mark of Zuckerberg is credited with creating the first generation of holotech devices, and most tech companies have found success releasing their newest gadgets and details for coming equipment on the date of Mark's demise. The saint who created the first holonet was according to certain sources exiled from the holonet he created, and then later murdered after toppling a now unknown corporation with strong ties to online technologies and agricultural interests.

QuickScan Handheld

The Tycho Convention is slated to deal with privacy violations and rights in terms to holosimulation in the CogNet late next year. On the heels of that announcement, several companies have rushed their production of handheld visual/digital scanners. In earlier versions of holocasting, a realtime stream was required, but superior algorithyms have allowed for computer generated avatars to be controlled entirely by the system. The prior computer avatars had to be scanned in large booths that took large composite maps of the people being scanned. Now, these now pocket sized scanners can snap between three to ten images to create a rendered model of a person or place to generate in a virtual environment. This has lead to several lawsuits and protests as cutting edge programmers and snapping up replicas of famous people and selling their avatars online. Several of these have been fully modified for sexual use, some are quite imaginative while others are lets be honest, downright disturbing.

The Appalachian Church of Christ Protests Begin

The Appalachian Church, figurehead of Christian and Luddite movements has started a new Rally Revival series and is following up it's anti-android and anti-robot protests of last year with a God Hates Clones and Augments campaign. While legislation protects Personal Body Expression, the organization is going so far as to denounce even routine genetic screening. 

Unicorns Exist!

A small herd of unicorns exist in an unnamed European state. The animals are designer creations from a North American lab, where the animals were recreated from Andalusian, deer, and narwhal DNA. The herd is now five years old, and the first foals have been born. The biogenics community is watching with interest, wondering if something as biologically complex as the chimera Unicorn will become a viable bio organism. In related news, thousands of young girls have changed their demand from I want a pony to I want a unicorn. Fathers everywhere shake their heads in despair.

Solstice Celebration Planning Announced

A small protest, barely a dozen people, marred the annual announcement of the Urban Solstice Celebration Planning Committee. Several members of the committee commented that it was sad that there were still people who were trying to pervert the meaning of a joyous commercial holiday with their bizarre religion and zealotry. This holiday is as much a celebration of our culture and cultural heritage as it is a boon to the economic markets, and sales are expected to grow as much as 2.5% over last year's solid growth.

LAPD Recalls Jetpack Patrol Force

The skies above LA are a little less safe tonight after the megacity comptroller suspended funding for the police jetpack force. The force has been an important part of LAPD and SWAT for thirty years, using their jetpacks to reach the tops of major buildings, as well as rescuing falling people, assisting in fire rescue, and other pretty bad-ass things. The culprit is the Martin Z86 Jetpack. The packs have been recalled by the manufacturer stating faulty turbine blades and overheating problems in the thrust nozzles. After acquiring the Z86s two years ago, there have been 13 engine malfunctions, none more spectacular and tragic than the death of Officer Annie 'Wildcat' Porter, a 15 year veteran of the force. 



Additional Ideas (1)

City Sanitizer System Slated for Maintenance 

The ubiquitous sanitizers around the metro arcology will be down for three days while the system is purged after the liquid sanitizer gel was contaminated in a 'prank' that added blood red dye. There were several instances of civil disorder and panic when people who were identified and misted by the system were suddenly perceived to be bleeding profusely. The miscreants responsible have been apprehended and the city apologizes for the inconvenience. Citizens and residents using the public tramway should consider bringing their own sanitizer.
0xp

2013-06-16 07:32 AM » Link: [7033#88027|text]
Please register to add an idea. It only takes a moment.

Join Now!!



Gain the ability to:
Vote and add your ideas to submissions.
Upvote and give XP to useful comments.
Work on submissions in private or flag them for assistance.
Earn XP and gain levels that give you more site abilities.
Join a Guild in the forums or complete a Quest and level-up your experience.
Comments ( 7 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Murometz
October 9, 2012, 19:07
0xp
Solstice celebration and St. Mark's Day are deeply amusing. Ganymede one rocks, as if pulled straight from actual headlines. Human pets, i have to say, I'm not "feeling". Too controversial, even for the "future". How there can be "humans" that live 15-17 years and remain pre-pubescent as pets(!) is beyond me...

I love this sub because its a great format for letting the reader get to know the world with brief but detailed and vivid, bullet-points, without the techno-mech. Not that there is anything wrong with techno-mech  :-)
Voted axlerowes
October 9, 2012, 21:19
7xp
Human pets was the one I found the most interesting.

I really really like the idea of this, telling the story of your world through glimpses of culture, events and side-long looks at values. Yet you are not really mocking the language of news like they do in the onion. ButI would suggest making these shorter if you want to play up the humor/silly side. Take the first headline for example

Androids Demand Vote: No humor in the blurb and couple of political facts that could lay the ground work other conflicts or future posts but over all its pretty dry. Add a joke or make the AI protests a satire of modern protests, a allegory for modern protests or add something interesting.


Here are my suggestions if you want to play this for humor. Be warned, I am reaching for low hanging fruit.

 Designer pets: I assume you are poking fun at how genetic engineering has become so common place and flippant in your world and how ruthless the commercial interest are

Just cut it down to the punchline, Giant Chihuahuas

or

Seeing Eye Dog Community Demands A Brail Version: Designer pet enthusiasts no longer satisfied with the tea Great Dane or the Mega Chihuahua can take comfort in *********corps new neon fur genes. 

Alternatively:

*********, the designer pet corporation, suffered major forth quarter loses when their research team revealed that the their spring line of pets have no noses. Sam Chi, nephew of *********'s founder says "Dudes, I just told the AI that we wanted a dog that wouldn't smell." 


Next
Ganymede Revolt "Put Down"
A 30 second data feed was leaked to the CogNet of an exultant 'Commander Talana' claiming that her organization set the explosives at a Bowman colony  nigh club to strike a blow at corporate greed and puritanism. Local Law Enforcements says the data feed shows that Talana "is fat, squeaky voiced and mean". The federal delegated interpreted the separatists attack as  "Haters Gonna Hate" 



Next

Pope upgrades Zuckerberg's canonization status, from "beatified" to "Its complicated". The council of Cardinals will now meets to determine if Zuckerberg has been "Friended" by the divine.

Next

QuickScan Handheld
The Tycho Convention is slated to deal with privacy violations and rights in terms to holosimulation in the CogNet late next year. Now,  pocket sized scanners can snap between three to ten images to create a rendered model of a person or place to generate in a virtual environment. This has lead to several lawsuits and protests as cutting edge programmers and snapping up replicas of famous people and selling their avatars online. In related new Quickscan shares rose sharply when it was announced that the "Chimera Scan" software would be available next month. One enthusiastic fan said "I gonna be sipping the bubbles, with Keira Daily's head on Tori Maths's body". *Click below to pre-order your copy now.*

Next

The Appalachian Church of Christ Protests Cancelled

The Appalachian Church, figurehead of Christian and Luddite movements has stated that the new Rally Revival series following up it's anti-android and anti-robot protests of last year with has been cancelled. The God Hates Clones campaign was put on hold when routine genetic screening of the ACC congregation revealed that level of genetic diversity among the members was so low that they were all legally considered clones.

Next

Unicorns Exist!

A small herd of unicorns exist in an unnamed European state. The animals are designer creations from a North American lab, where the animals were recreated from Andalusian, deer, and narwhal DNA. The lab's litigation and patent infringement AI has already served 170,000 teenage girls and their parents with demands for royalty payments. In related news Noah Floodgate, the director of Association for Ribonucleic acid Conservation (ARC) has said "Don't even try and give me any of that crap". 

Next

Solstice Celebration Continues: Spoil Sport Protesters shot.

Syria-Israel Province: Law enforcement used live ammunition to disperse a small protest, barely a dozen people, that marred the annual announcement of the Urban Solstice Celebration Planning Committee. One members of the committee commented "It is sad that there were still people who were trying to pervert the meaning of a joyous commercial holiday with their bizarre religion and zealotry. This holiday is an economic markets, and sales are expected to grow as much as 2.5% over last year's solid growth. Thus the actions of our esteemed law enforcement community were justified. Our predictions show that sustained protests could cost us up to 0.02% retardation of growth" The dead included three astronomy professors from an estimated Far East University, a group of agriculturalists from a local sheep ranch and a local carpenter. 

LAPD Shuts Down Jetpack Patrol Force

The skies above LA are a little less safe tonight after the megacity comptroller suspended the use of jetpacks by the police force. Sighting insurance issues following the a rash of accident following the adoption of the Martin Z86 Jetpack. The packs have been recalled by the manufacturer stating faulty turbine blades and overheating problems in the thrust nozzles. The comprtoller suspended all insurance coverage for Jetpack related accidents at 11:58am, and remotely deactivated all jetpacks at 11:59am. This evening the comptroller noted "My policies have already saved the city millions", referring to the two policemen that fell to their deaths at approximately 12:01pm. A third policeman had to be rescued by the fire department.
Strolen
October 14, 2012, 3:29
0xp
You should split this up and add the second half as an idea above!
Murometz
October 9, 2012, 21:24
0xp
Human pets was the one I found the most interesting.

I didn't say they weren't interesting. They are extremely interesting! I'm just saying, as I read these i sniff for "future-verisimilitude", and that one doesn't pass the smell test.
Scrasamax
October 9, 2012, 22:35
0xp
I put silly in the freetext so the submission wouldn't be taken seriously, rather than an attempt at humor, akin to watching TMZ or some other celebrity gossip show for your news.
Voted Strolen
October 14, 2012, 3:30
0xp
How much for a unicorn?
Voted valadaar
November 7, 2013, 10:58
0xp
These are awesome and help paint the picture of your world.

Having these appear in the sidebars of related submissions would be cool.

Regions

Freetext



Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

       By: Michael Jotne Slayer

The heroes are travelling the great seas by ship. One night when the seas are calm and everything seems fine their vessel is eaten by a great whale. The end? No. They wake in the belly of the animal, it is like a great cave. Full of wrecked ships and strange things to be discovered. Will they make it out alive?

Ideas  ( Plots ) | July 2, 2006 | View | UpVote 1xp


Creative Commons License
Individual submissions, unless otherwise noted by the author, are licensed under the
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License
and requires a link back to the original.

We would love it if you left a comment when you use an idea!
PayPal
Powered by Lockmor 4.1 with Codeigniter | Copyright © 2013 Strolen's Citadel
A Role Player's Creative Workshop.
Read. Post. Play.
Optimized for anything except IE.
0.0233