New Submissions
Special Equipment:
A riped and old letter from vincent, that she got a while back from him stating that he has been waiting for her,
and her favorite blades, Minx and Max.
Appearance:
She has long black/blueish hair that falls to her bottom, pale white skin, blue eyes, shes thin, about 127LBS, and about 5’5", She has no specific clothing. Her personality is all around calm, shes smart, witty, seductive, and shes not afraid to speak her mind, shes bossy, demanding and usually doesnt stop until she gets her way, she only loses her cool when agrivated, or when she speaks of Vincent.
Background:
She was once a human investigator, who studied the paranormal, now that’s what she is. It was 1889 and she was spending the usual Saturday at the town tavern, She went past the rules of her work, and got involved in a love affair with a vampire named Vincent, Vincent had told her that he was over 217 years of age, and was changed into a vampire from his brother during a great war between the French king and the British, She had fell in love with Vince over the six months she knew him, and on this night, when he arrived, he had seemed to act different, and when the went back to his place, like they usually do, he grabbed her and against her will changed her into the undead, a vampire like him, for reasons unknown, she can only remember waking up to find him and another women, she tried that day to get revenge but she was too weak, She got away luckily and rested for years in an abandoned home, until 1996, when she awoke, her world was turned upside down, she didn’t know what to think of all the technology and the change, but she embraced it, The first thing she did when she awoke was searched for more of her kind, and eventually gathered a clan of five people from around the world, they yet to have a name to call themselves but all have something in common, they all want revenge. She was given her daggers, Minx and Max, from a friend in her clan when she first began her expedition to find Vincent, She got a letter from him a while back telling her that he’s waiting for her, She still has feelings for Vincent, and wants to know the truth more than anything, but her hatred to what she woke up to could get in the way. What will happen? You decide…
Roleplaying Notes:
She can climb walls, and has super speed, the typical vampire powers. (Based on an Ann Rice vampire)
Eden
By:
Shes a vampire out for vengance, she’s smart,strong, witty and quite the seductress.
December 19, 2004, 0:37
December 19, 2004, 0:57
I suggest that you expand on the occurences of her transformation into a vampire. As it is, you simply say that she was changed. There isn't anything about what really happened.
What are the happenings in her life after that? What is her personality? Her motivations and drives?
Where did she get her "blades" (swords, knives, katars?)?
Oh, and there weren't any reporters, as such, in 1789.
2/5.
December 19, 2004, 10:22
There were not any reporters, or what we would call reporters, in 1789.
When did vincent die? Did he die before 1880 because if that was the case, there are no photos. (Heck if he was a vampire, should be no photos at all).
There is no plot, no drama, and no hook to this character. Nothing to make this character more than a cypher.
I want you to think about the Gold Standard:
If the character (item/ setting/ plot) is not as well described or as well developed as a character (item/ setting/ plot) in a novel (excluding horrible game fic novels), then it is not yet ready to be posted. If it is not the equal of said characters, then you need to do more work on it.
December 19, 2004, 12:15
December 19, 2004, 15:48
I'm dead, and I'm going to eat you now! BLEGH!
December 19, 2004, 17:08
Deliver me.
December 19, 2004, 19:30
December 19, 2004, 20:39
And for the record, I don't think you were lazy, I just think that you weren't really aware of what was necessary for a good submission. I was just like that when I first joined.
Keep it up! Post some more!
December 20, 2004, 16:38
December 21, 2004, 11:41
Also, why did she need to rest for over 100 years? Long nap. If it was an abandoned home, what was special about it that no passerby thought this beautiful lady sleeping on the floor for 100 years was unusual? This place would have to be on a deserted island or in the hidden reaches of the mountains of Tibet. "Lucy, you have some 'splaning to do!"
December 21, 2004, 16:02
January 5, 2005, 15:58
April 24, 2008, 22:53
You know what, Capt. Penguin? I really like your submissions, but you must be some kind of idiot to not give this a one.
April 25, 2008, 9:57
1. Numerous spelling errors.
2. Capitalization in places
3. Punctuation -Missing apostrophes - shes , commas used as periods. No space following comma in places.
In addition to the other comments, what is special about the two daggers that they deserve names?
Please, when you are given feedback on what whould improve your sub, take it into consideration and rework your sub. You are obviously interested enough to post it in the first place - follow through and make it good!
April 25, 2008, 15:27
April 25, 2008, 15:55