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NPCs
Minor
Political
1.5
8 Votes

-5xp


Hits: 5975
Comments: 16
Ideas: 0
Rating: 1.5
Condition: Normal
ID: 1066

Submitted:

Updated:
June 10, 2007, 10:00 pm

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Eden

By:

Shes a vampire out for vengance, she’s smart,strong, witty and quite the seductress.

Special Equipment:

A riped and old letter from vincent, that she got a while back from him stating that he has been waiting for her,
and her favorite blades, Minx and Max.

Appearance:

She has long black/blueish hair that falls to her bottom, pale white skin, blue eyes, shes thin, about 127LBS, and about 5’5", She has no specific clothing. Her personality is all around calm, shes smart, witty, seductive, and shes not afraid to speak her mind, shes bossy, demanding and usually doesnt stop until she gets her way, she only loses her cool when agrivated, or when she speaks of Vincent.

Background:

She was once a human investigator, who studied the paranormal, now that’s what she is. It was 1889 and she was spending the usual Saturday at the town tavern, She went past the rules of her work, and got involved in a love affair with a vampire named Vincent, Vincent had told her that he was over 217 years of age, and was changed into a vampire from his brother during a great war between the French king and the British, She had fell in love with Vince over the six months she knew him, and on this night, when he arrived, he had seemed to act different, and when the went back to his place, like they usually do, he grabbed her and against her will changed her into the undead, a vampire like him, for reasons unknown, she can only remember waking up to find him and another women, she tried that day to get revenge but she was too weak, She got away luckily and rested for years in an abandoned home, until 1996, when she awoke, her world was turned upside down, she didn’t know what to think of all the technology and the change, but she embraced it, The first thing she did when she awoke was searched for more of her kind, and eventually gathered a clan of five people from around the world, they yet to have a name to call themselves but all have something in common, they all want revenge. She was given her daggers, Minx and Max, from a friend in her clan when she first began her expedition to find Vincent, She got a letter from him a while back telling her that he’s waiting for her, She still has feelings for Vincent, and wants to know the truth more than anything, but her hatred to what she woke up to could get in the way. What will happen? You decide…

Roleplaying Notes:

She can climb walls, and has super speed, the typical vampire powers. (Based on an Ann Rice vampire)



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Comments ( 16 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Exodus_storm
December 19, 2004, 0:37
0xp
More background to the charakter please.
CaptainPenguin
December 19, 2004, 0:57
0xp
No real background, poor characterization.
I suggest that you expand on the occurences of her transformation into a vampire. As it is, you simply say that she was changed. There isn't anything about what really happened.
What are the happenings in her life after that? What is her personality? Her motivations and drives?
Where did she get her "blades" (swords, knives, katars?)?
Oh, and there weren't any reporters, as such, in 1789.

2/5.
MoonHunter
December 19, 2004, 10:22
0xp
A couple of things besides the obvious of "too short", not enough description, about as interesting as drying paint...

There were not any reporters, or what we would call reporters, in 1789.

When did vincent die? Did he die before 1880 because if that was the case, there are no photos. (Heck if he was a vampire, should be no photos at all).

There is no plot, no drama, and no hook to this character. Nothing to make this character more than a cypher.

I want you to think about the Gold Standard:
If the character (item/ setting/ plot) is not as well described or as well developed as a character (item/ setting/ plot) in a novel (excluding horrible game fic novels), then it is not yet ready to be posted. If it is not the equal of said characters, then you need to do more work on it.
Cheka Man
December 19, 2004, 12:15
0xp
1/5
Scrasamax
December 19, 2004, 15:48
1xp
Another comment, before posting a vampire character, an author should be at least somewhat familiar with Bram Stoker and Anne Rice's Vampire works. I would say Anne Rice since she has produced a number of unique and colorful vampires that are endearing, if not as enduring as the masterwork himself. Vampires, despite being blood sucking parasites, should be tragic, or sympathetic figures, otherwise they suffer the ignoble fate of being pepped up zombies with a blood fetish

I'm dead, and I'm going to eat you now! BLEGH!
EchoMirage
December 19, 2004, 17:08
1xp
Vampires. Drow. Assassins. Combinations of those three. All suffer from being considered "cool" by the masses.
Deliver me.
blackrosesdontbloom
December 19, 2004, 19:30
1xp
Thank you everyone for your comments and helping me see my mistakes, I could sit here and tell you that I was tired or didnt know what to say when I was writting this, but Im not the one for excuses, I was lazy really, Once again thank you.
CaptainPenguin
December 19, 2004, 20:39
0xp
It's good to see that you take this well. We've had some members in the past who would have not recieved such a withering storm of criticism as well as you have. Consider it your acid test- you've passed with flying colors, at least in my eyes.

And for the record, I don't think you were lazy, I just think that you weren't really aware of what was necessary for a good submission. I was just like that when I first joined.
Keep it up! Post some more!
Scrasamax
December 20, 2004, 16:38
0xp
I second the captains comments, you have survived your baptism by comment. I hope to see more contributions from you in the future.
Barbarian Horde
December 21, 2004, 11:41
0xp
As an investigator of the paranormal, why would she have a relationship with a vampire? We are talking about a dangerous bloodsucking undead leech. A horrifying abomination of nightmare terror. Don't tell me it was puppy love.

Also, why did she need to rest for over 100 years? Long nap. If it was an abandoned home, what was special about it that no passerby thought this beautiful lady sleeping on the floor for 100 years was unusual? This place would have to be on a deserted island or in the hidden reaches of the mountains of Tibet. "Lucy, you have some 'splaning to do!"
EchoMirage
December 21, 2004, 16:02
0xp
Still bad...
Blood_Moon344
January 5, 2005, 15:58
-2xp
;x this background sux man
Barbarian Horde
April 24, 2008, 22:53
0xp
Ugh.

You know what, Capt. Penguin? I really like your submissions, but you must be some kind of idiot to not give this a one.
Voted valadaar
April 25, 2008, 9:57
0xp
My biggest problem with this is that suggestions have been made to improve this that have not been followed. There are numerous problems above and beyond the subject matter:

1. Numerous spelling errors.
2. Capitalization in places
3. Punctuation -Missing apostrophes - shes , commas used as periods. No space following comma in places.

In addition to the other comments, what is special about the two daggers that they deserve names?

Please, when you are given feedback on what whould improve your sub, take it into consideration and rework your sub. You are obviously interested enough to post it in the first place - follow through and make it good!
MoonHunter
April 25, 2008, 15:27
1xp
Val, did you check the dates? (I know the BH didn't.). The horse is dead, ride on.
valadaar
April 25, 2008, 15:55
0xp
You have a point... Just been working the unvoted by me...


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