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Cursed

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1.25

2 Votes

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ID: 2923
Hits: 2019
Comments: 18
Ideas: 0
Rating: 1.25
Condition: In Work (public)
Submitted:
October 15, 2006, 10:52 am
Updated:
January 20, 2007, 6:07 am


 

Daggers Of Self Destruction

By: chilled

“You will all die for what you have done to me!” Van Torxes hissed ager showing plainly in his red face.
So saying he stormed out of the room towards his chambers.

Full Item Description
Long, thin and deadly, these blades have been forged of silver steel which has now been tarnished quite a bit, and set into handles of ebony inlaid with a thin silver wire which curls around the handle.

History
Van Torxes was the most accomplished mage that lived in the city known to the high elves as karonie karile, the shining city.
One day he was summoned to the chamber of the high mage in the late afternoon, where he was confronted by a congregation of people who then falsely accused him of murder and plotting against the king so that they could get a step closer to grasping the throne for themselves, by removing all people who they knew posed a potential threat to them. Torxes was utterly shocked by what had happened and denied all accusations laid against him.
When the king heard of what had happened he was shocked and because he placed such trust in the high mage he agreed with
him that he should be exiled from the city of his birth.
his heart and mind consumed with fury, he turned to darkness.
In his anger and frustration Van Torxes forged twelve daggers; one for each of the people who had a hand in displacing him. He then ensocelled each of the daggers so that they ensured that they disposed of those who had gotten rid of him.
He then swapped the daggers using his powers to persuade a friend of his who by day was a merchant and by night a deadly killer and almost untraceable, with those that his enemies had. A few days later they all wound up dead each with a dagger stuck through his heart.
Since then the daggers have disappeared and have not been found since, all apart from three, two of which have been destroyed and the other which resides with the new high mage who is trying to break the spell on them and trace their creator.The blades of the daggers dissovle into the unfortunate victims bloodstream a few hours after they have killed themselves with the dagger, unless somebody pulls them out before then, in which case the dissolvement spell ceases to take effect. After that the handles of the daggers also dissovle into a fine silvery vapour that sinls through the floor and keeps on going until it lies several feet under the earth where it then goes on to manifest into a small, smooth shard of blue crystal in which resides a death wraith that will gathjer strengh over time until it is summoned.(i am currently working on a sub for death-wraiths.)
Magic/Cursed Properties
Each of these daggers is cursed and drains their bearers of will and eventually drives them insane, depending on how strong of mind they are, and forces them to kill themselves with the dagger.



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Comments ( 18 )
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chilled
2006-08-09 10:07 AM
0xp
Updated: litle mistake, needed rectifying.
chilled
2006-08-09 10:08 AM
0xp
Updated: accidently put it on in work.
Murometz
2006-08-13 01:32 PM
0xp
I kinda like the names Van Torxes and Karonie Karile. Keep going chilled!
chilled
2006-08-20 08:32 AM
0xp
i'm still on it, on word.
will update it soon
valadaar
2006-10-13 12:52 PM
0xp
"He then swapped the daggers with those that his enemies had. A few days later they all winded up dead each with a dagger stuck through his heart."

Apart from the spelling (wound up as opposed to winded up), how did he manage to swap the daggers? Magic? Paid assassins?

"Since then the daggers have disappeared and have not been found since, all apart from three, two of which have been destroyed and the other which resides with the new high mage who is trying to break the spell on them and trace their creator."

How did the daggers dissappear, if they were found in the hearts of their victems? Stolen? Dissolved in the victem's blood?

"Magic/Cursed Properties
Each of these daggers is cursed and drains their bearers of will and eventually drives them insane and forces them to kill themselves with the dagger. "

Not too eventually if a couple days after they get them they stab themselves.
chilled
2006-10-15 08:15 AM
0xp
is that any better my friend?
chilled
2006-10-15 08:14 AM
0xp
Updated: updated this sub using the ideas that valadaar gave me!!!...
cheers val!...
Voted Cheka Man
2006-10-15 10:56 AM
Only voted
Voted valadaar
2006-10-15 11:25 AM
-1xp
Heh, I didn't mean to use those ideas verbatium - not all of mine are good either!

Now, I think we can boil down the thesis of your idea to:

1. Mage wants revenge against his enemies.
2. He creates magical weapons that force the bearer to kill themselves.


Now, how plausable that all 12 of his enemies are going to go out and buy magic daggers from the same person, especially on a short notice? You need to come up with something a LOT more plausable. The Death Wraith part seems a little over the top.

So, why would 12 mages suddenly acquire a cursed item? Perhaps some ritual group they are part of includes it as a badge of entry?

These seem rather powerful - what price did the mage pay to make these/get these made, especially in little time? Hopefully something more original then 'he sold his soul...'.

You really need to work on your english as well as spelling and as others have said, read other subs, especially the golden ones for what quality they are looking for. I've got a ways to go too.
chilled
2006-10-18 04:30 AM
0xp
ok ok ok ...... ... ...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...
chilled
2006-10-31 08:02 AM
0xp
ive already explained why and how the mages aquired the daggers and if you read the sub properly you might have noticed that...
valadaar
2006-11-03 01:19 PM
0xp
if you read the sub properly you might have noticed that...

Not a good way to get positive feedback.
chilled
2006-11-04 11:45 AM
0xp
sorry i'm just a bit ikry as of late.
MoonHunter
2006-11-22 02:52 PM
0xp
Okay. You need to format your sentences and paragraphs to make this readable.

Can you read your piece outloud? If you do so, you will find a couple easy to correct errors.

The desolving weapons are interesting, but oddly explained. They don't regenerate do that? Are they one use only? If the assassin was any good (and he was by your prose) then all of these weapons should of been used up.

If he had to sneak the weapons into their hands, so they would kill themselves? Why not send them as gifts (annoymolusly of course).

The compulsion to kill oneself is odd since the weapons used against the target.
chilled
2006-11-26 09:31 AM
0xp
i'll work on it.
thanks for the advice.
can i use a few of the ideas you have put here?
Drackler
2007-04-06 05:52 PM
1xp
When the king heard of what had happened he was shocked and because he placed such trust in the high mage he agreed with
him that he should be exiled from the city of his birth.
his heart and mind consumed with fury, he turned to darkness.

In these two sentances I see a few to many pronouns. A good submission nonetheless.
Kassil
2008-01-02 08:31 AM
0xp
There's... Quite a bit of coincidental things here. He just happens to know a nigh-untraceable killer who poses as a merchant? The king, having trusted him with such a high position in the first place, takes it at face value that the mage intended to kill him and seize the throne? A large number of people angling for the throne, all in cahoots, none of whom think that perhaps allying themselves with this potent mage and turning in their allies might get them a better clear shot at the throne? It seems more than a bit implausible to me, to be honest.

Also, if you were to wait a few hours for the dagger's blade to dissolve, I'm fairly sure the corpse's blood will be well on the way to congealing within the body, rather than fluid enough to have anything dissolved in it. Likewise, as was mentioned before, if the mage just wanted revenge, what exactly is the point of the dagger's hilt dissolving to become the home of a 'death wraith'?

And one particular nitpick on spelling/word choice: dissolvement? I get what you're intending with it, but 'dissolving' and 'dissolution' are both perfectly functional words for it.
chilled
2008-04-02 04:14 AM
0xp
yeah im gonna scap this and start it afresh.
it may take a while, and ill only do it in smalll chunks.

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