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Comments: 19
Ideas: 0
Rating: 2
Condition: Normal
ID: 3342

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Updated:
December 8, 2006, 7:36 pm

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Bogsrune

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Bogsrune, a blight opon the magical world as it slowly drians the power out of the wizards it comes into contact with while giving all magical weapons a significent boost in power.

Full Item Description
     Bogsrune a translucent gem of darkness and despair. all who have set eyes upon it have basked in its power and fallen in there greed. a host of the purest evil has been forced to dwell within the hart of this magnificent prison. To gaze upon this shroud of darkness is to be ensnared in it magical bonds forever.  
      Only to be place on a weapon (as the creators saw this as an extension of power) this gem will automatically mold itself with any magical weapon that it comes into contact with. unlike the power drain a mortal will experience when holding this gem, a weapon will lose some of its power while the remaining powers will be greatly increased.
History
     A small clan of exiled elves from the shadow realm, known only to themselves as the death mages created this artifact with the hope of controlling all dark magic.
   Wizards lured to the artifact with the promise of false power have their own power slowly drained. Foolishly they clung to the gem trying to find some salvation of their powers lost.  
     The death mages fought over who the combined power should go too until the tension created a civil war. The remaining elves could no longer control the power of the gem and it slowly drained them of their magical powers in ill they were forced to dispose of it.
   The messenger to the gods who found the gem and knew its power attempted to take it and use the power himself but he alone was not strong enough. The gods looked down and saw this grew worried because if something had the power to drain their messenger it could accumulate enough magic to one day pose a threat to them. The gods did not know its weakness therefore did not know how to destroy it, cast it to the farthest corner of the plains and buried it in the deepest lair the could find hoping that no one would ever find it and be able to unlock its power to use against them.                             
   Now it lies under a shroud of mystery as a gem that only the most powerful beings could control but as more and more wizards that succumbed to its power the stronger it grew until no one could control it and it was lost to all the realms.

Magic/Cursed Properties
   This gem feeds off of dark magic and the only thing it fears is direct sunlight as that forces it to slowly release its power.
   To the light wizard Bogsrune looks like a normal stone and nothing of value. to the dark wizard Bogsrune gives small amounts of power to lead them to a false since of security but slowly it drains the magical power out of its holder and adds it to its own stock hold of abilities.
  It waits for a dark wizard with enough power to control it and take charge of all the realms.



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Comments ( 19 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Murometz
November 18, 2006, 16:52
0xp
Well, its got a grain of potential goodness, but look around the site zekna. We like a bit more detail, a bit more sumthin' sumthin' to make it stand out.

Moved to In Work.
MoonHunter
November 18, 2006, 17:01
0xp
To make your posts better, I want you to do five things.

First: Review!
Review the top rated posts of the category you want to post it. If you want to do an item, click into items, then the highest rated and it will give you a list of the best items. Read the first ten or so.

Since you have only been here less than 24 hours, you have not had a chance to really take in the site.


Second: Effort!
Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.

This part shows. You have a good idea that is simply suffering from insufficient application.

Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it.

Third: Check it!
I really mean it. Go through your posts. Make sure it follows the basic rules of grammar . Sentences start with capital letters, end with punctuation, and have everything moderately correct in between. Extra lines should be inserted between paragraphs (and there should be paragraphs). I can not stress the next part more that simply scream, "Spell check!". If you can, copy (from web site) and paste (into word processor) your post into a WP with spell check. Run the spell check (and the grammar check if it has it). Copy and paste it back. If you do this, it will automatically improve your post by one point (on average). If we can simply and easily read your post, we can start critiquing it rather than your awful spelling.

If English is not your primary language, let us know. However, be warned that many of our best posters have English as a second, third, or even fourth language. So all we ask is that you continue to work at it, to get it right.

Capitalization is not optional. We do not require perfection, but we at least want you to make a good try at it. Your work here will be her for YEARs. You don't want anything to reflect on you badly in the future do you? Neither do we. Do the checks.


Fourth: Completeness!
Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more "generic", you need to "imply" the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match "The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.") Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.

To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?

Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).

Fifth: The Gold Standard
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.

If your item/ npc/ plot/ setting is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.

This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right.
Drackler
November 18, 2006, 18:03
0xp
I know that I'm not really one to talk, but one thing I would like to see is a name for the clan of dark elves.
zekna
November 18, 2006, 18:53
0xp
Updated: more detail still working on it though
Lord Kimahri
November 18, 2006, 20:14
0xp
Well capital letters really, um you have a little bit of grammar and a few spelling problems well to my eyes. And it could with just that little uphfm! you know what i mean
zekna
November 18, 2006, 20:23
0xp
Updated: now with caps
zekna
November 18, 2006, 21:29
0xp
Updated: open to suggestions
zekna
November 18, 2006, 22:06
0xp
Updated: spacing
zekna
November 18, 2006, 22:16
0xp
Updated: detail will be workin on it all night long
zekna
November 19, 2006, 0:46
0xp
Updated: more and more i put yet to the end i draw no closer i know it needs spelling
zekna
November 19, 2006, 17:40
0xp
Updated: ahhhhhhhhhh
zekna
November 19, 2006, 18:07
0xp
Updated: more history and spelling done
MoonHunter
November 19, 2006, 18:46
0xp
Since you are working on this, let me give you some help.

I want you to read this OUTLOUD to yourself. You will find many of the awkward phrases.

Add an extra lines between the paragraphs or when you put in a line return, it makes the post easier to read.

Go find a word processing program like WORD
Copy the submission and paste it into a WORD DOC
Run Spell Check. Run Grammar check too!
Copy and Paste it back
Finish Writing it.
REPEAT Spell and Grammar check process.


So lets run through some other things.

Bogsrune a translucent gem of darkness and despair. all who have set eyes upon it have basked in its power and fallen in theretheir greed. a host of the purest Evil has been forced to dwell within the heart of this magnificent prison. And how do people who look at it get this information? This is the physical description of the piece
To gaze upon this shroud of darkness is to be ensnared in it magical bonds forever. Very poetic this last line, not really expressed in the write up.
Insert a line return here
Only to be place on a weapon (as the creators saw this as an extension of power) this gem will automatically mold itself with any magical weapon that it comes into contact with.
This sentence makes absolutely no sense. Try breaking it down into two or three of them.
unlike the power drain a mortal will experience when holding this gem, a weapon will lose some of its power while the remaining powers will be greatly increased. In no place in the write up to this point have you mentioned a power drain occuring to people holding it OR listed what happened if people did. Might want to loose this section until the Magic/Cursed Properties section.
Insert a line return here
History
A small clan of exiled elves from the shadow realm, known only to themselves as the death mages So what do other people call them? They call themselves Death Mages! created this artifact with the hope of controlling all dark magic. What did they do to make the item? Were they successful? Did anyone try to stop them? Why aren't they in control of all Dark Magic. Hey, wait. They are Death Mages, don't they already control Dark Magic? These are questions people are going to want answered.
Insert a line return here
Wizards lured to the artifact with the promise of false power have their own power slowly drained. Foolishly they clung to the gem trying to find some salvation of their powers lost. Why is this here? Is this history? Did the Elven Death Mages bring these wizards here?
The death mages fought over who the combined power should go too until the tension created a civil war. Weren't they already fighting? They were fighting and then they had a civil war... maybe you should explain how they were fighting before.The remaining elves Good Elves? Death Mage Elves? The two guys in the bathroom? could no longer control the power of the gem and it slowly drained them of their magical powers.End Here
in ill they were forced to dispose of it. What the heck is this?
Insert a line return here
The messenger to the gods who found the gem and knew its power attempted to take it and use the power himself but he alone was not strong enough. Three sentances crammed into one. AND where did this messenger of the Gods come from?
The gods looked down and saw this grew worried because if something had the power to drain their messenger it could accumulate enough magic to one day pose a threat to them. The gods did not know (its)why its?weakness Make new sentence therefor did not know how to destroy it, cast it to the farthest corner of the plains and buried it in the deepest lair the could find hoping that no one would ever find it and be able to unlock its power to use against them. Make this about four sentences
Insert a line return here
Now it lies under a shroud of mystery as a gem that only the most powerful beings could control. But, as more and more wizards that succumbed to its power of course we have to ask, if it is so well hidden, how did any wizards find it to succumb to its power? the stronger it will grow until no one can control it.End
and it was lost to all the realms. What is this part about?

Magic/Cursed Properties
This gem feeds off of dark magic So this is only a threat to Dark/ Evil mages? And the Good Guys are using this item why? and the only thing it fears is direct sunlight as that forces it to slowly release its power. And the Gods could not figure out that if they left it out on a mountain top, exposed to the sun, it would be powerless? Or the Sun God could not destory it?
Insert a line return here
To the light wizard Bogsrune looks like a normal stone and nothing of value. This should be in the description section above.
Insert a line return here
to the dark wizard Bogsrune gives small amounts of power to lead them to a false since of security but slowly it drains the magical power out of its holder and adds it to its own stockhold of abilitys. Badly phrased. And it gives them power.. yet takes it away? And nobody notices this? After my bonus power was taken away, I would toss this thing like yesterdays trash. Is it addictive? Is there some consequence for not using it?

It waits for a dark wizard with enough power to control it and take charge of all the realms. Which nobody can do it seems, as it grants power then takes it away. How would one control it anyways... you haven't mentioned any one being able to control it or the process of control.
zekna
November 25, 2006, 16:23
0xp
Updated: i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i
zekna
November 25, 2006, 16:33
0xp
Updated: bogsrune where did i get that name
zekna
December 8, 2006, 19:36
0xp
Updated: take that punk yeh i'm talking to you
Strolen
December 9, 2006, 16:13
0xp
You are doing an awesome job improving on this zekna!
valadaar
December 11, 2006, 11:39
1xp
You really should implement MoonHunter's suggestions - they are good.
If you need a word processor, OpenOffice is a good free one.
Voted valadaar
February 16, 2007, 13:15
0xp
Well, I still suggest following MH's suggestions on this one. Until then I have to leave this as a 2.0. The idea is there but needs more work.


Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

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