New Submissions
Thunderstones
What Are Thunderstones?
Thunderstones, are items obviously... But when hit against a object, you get a noise that will pierce anyone's earplugs and shatter anyone's eardrums leaving the victim dazed, confused, and disoriented... Also, if there are monsters nearby they'll probably hear and it can be used to set off some noise based traps, isn't that wonderful?
How were Thunderstones created?
Originally they were created by a man of the name Grzmot ( Polish for Thunder ), he was in the need of a item that would scare away the Lis for they were devastating his crops and terrorizing his family. Grzmot, formerly a bard / adventurer, imbued some stones with magic, or what little he knew of magic. He then tried them to use them and ended up mortally wounded for due to his lack of knowledge of magic, the stones were actually combustible and exploded on contact. As the stone exploded a small bug that was in it, exited the stone as it exploded. The bug entered a Lis' stomach, as it entered the Lis' stomach it reacted with the chemicals and acids in it's stomach. The bug died, but a large yellowish rock formed inside the Lis' stomach. The Lis that was the alpha male, it was larger, stronger, and smarter. It began to maniacally laugh while the animal was laughing, it choked up a yellowish stone, and as it hit the ground it emitted a large thunder noise. The Lis got scared, and ran off.
Grzmot's wife, named Cichy ( Polish for Quiet ) heard the noise, and ran to the scene to congratulate Grzmot for scaring the Lis away but, she saw Grzmot on the ground. A hunter by the name of Glono ( Polish for Lightning ) saw the incident. Grzmot's wife stayed back, soon Glosno approached Grzmot and shot him in the neck with a crossbow killing him. Grzmot's son saw the incident for he secretly followed his mother, he ran to Grzmot his mother tried to hold him back, but couldn't. She lost control, and he ran towards his father only to be shot by Glono, Cichy now wanting revenge began devising a plan, but she knew she had to wait. Glosno not knowing of Cichy's presence, took the stone and went to a alchemist.
The alchemist broke down the stone and learned it's ingredients, Glosno along with the alchemist made a fortune selling Thunderstones. Cichy, who has became of Glosno's maids, went into his bedroom during his sleep and used a thunderstone, Glosno died due to a heart attack. Cichy realized she was bit by something, she didn't know what. The next morning the local militia find Glosno dead, and Cichy's clothes on the ground, along with Lis tracks nearby. Reports of a Female Lis terrorizing local houses before running into the woods with other Lis were reported also that morning.
Properties
Emits loud noise, giving all living things ( Including PCs ) the following effects; Dazed, confused, and disorientation. If some of the animals or PCs are wearing earplugs, or are resistant, then only add confused as a affect. If deaf then add nothing. The Thunderstones also have a backfire, sometimes they'll go off unintentionally and sometimes concentrating all noise to a specific area. The area could be entirely the PCs ears likely making them deaf even with some sort of earplugs. Also could cause bleeding from the ears making it prone to infection due to a enclosed dark area unless the species/race eardrums are located outside the body.
November 18, 2010, 15:15
I'll also make the animal that laughed for a better effect. Along with the wife so the PCs can aid or stop her...
November 18, 2010, 15:53
There is so much unrealized potential in this submission! The basic concept is solid, but the history is convoluted and requires some editing for clarity. This sentence, for example: "The animal died, along with Trueno, a hunter was watching the incident, not believing what he saw, he knew Trueno, but didn't care for morals." Too much happens here for it to be coherent -- it should probably be split into at least two sentences (one about Trueno and the animal, one to introduce the hunter). Before submitting, try reading your sub aloud and you will catch things like this.
A few things that didn't make sense:
There are some bright spots. Small, magical animals that terrorize a farm? I'd love to hear those described. Bet they have some really nifty sonic attacks if they were the original creators for thunderstones. The maniacally laughing animal is a good mental image -- I'm seeing a fox here, but I'm guessing you have something else in mind.
This sub has some real promise but desperately needs some more editing and fleshing out. Good job though; I can see that your subs are improving overall.
November 18, 2010, 16:02
I intentionally left it, kind of vague for some flexibility for GMs if they want to use it, I realized I made it too flexible...
The animal was originally a wolf / coyote / fox so you were right on the dot there...
Trueno, was originally a ex - adventurer / bard, I saw that I forgot that crucial fact, but the stones he attempted to make were a fail anyways...
I personally love the idea of the small magical animals too, so much possibility...
The animal won't be described deeply here, it'll be made as a separate submission, I was going to do that with Trueno and the Hunter, who still has no name -_-, but I decided to keep them in this submission and make the animal separate.
Thank you for the comment
November 18, 2010, 16:12
November 18, 2010, 16:43
November 18, 2010, 19:08
Whoa. OK. I don't know where to begin with this one. The idea isn't bad. A rock that makes a thundering sound. It's been done by D&D, and I suspect that was your original inspiration for the Door Trap, but the origin in a creature's stomach is something totally new, it seems, and should be played up more.
Maybe there was some sort of reaction between man's magic and animal magic that caused a thunderous tumor to erupt from the fox-creatures innards. Could start a whole trend of different types of magic clashing for un-for-seen effects.
The writing is distracting and hard to follow with way too many commas. Commas can add a lot of artsy flair to writing, when used correctly. but you have just too many of them all over the place. Do what Dossta said with the reading aloud, a comma is a break or pause in the sentence, but after it should carry the same thought.. This needs to be condensed, rearranged, and re-punctuated.
I hope you can do it, because I like the idea and want to see it given a good write up.
Good luck!
November 18, 2010, 20:41
November 18, 2010, 20:51
May give the wife and son a name soon.....
Also, this should be it unless there's a suggestion...
November 18, 2010, 20:56
Will give Grzmot's and Cichy's son a name, and maybe the alchemist, and may give the alchemist a more important roles...
November 19, 2010, 7:18
Only Voted
November 19, 2010, 22:02
Still feels like the story jumps around a whole lot. As for the Lis (which I'm still not sure is the wolf/fox creature you described), if you aren't going to describe it, it'd be best to put a link giving us the ability to read up on it. Feels very disjointed as I don't know what I should be expecting the lis to do.
I also wonder about playability. These thunderstones shatter eardrums and (in several cases in your description) outright kill those who use them. Unless used in a high magic campaign (with enough magic to repair such damage) this could be potentially lethal before the players even know what they're dealing with.
Mark
November 20, 2010, 18:07
The background still needs quite a bit of cleaning up and clarifying. As was pointed out earlier, thunderstones are common items in D&D.
Your description of what thunderstones do is uncomfortably close to the description given by the D&D player's handbook. I'd suggest you try to put some sort of a spin on them to make them different or fresh in some way.
February 21, 2011, 21:57
I hope to update it again once I get into medieval stuff again. I also noticed that this really is actually in D&D, dunno if I got it from that though, I've seen this before somewhere else.
May 18, 2011, 22:59
February 5, 2012, 17:58
God help me, the backstory was rambaling and completely useless, but it was so werid that I enjoyed it and would fully expect this to be actual myth or folk tale. Why would somebody tell that story unless they believed it to be true? It is like a story that game to us through a long line of telling and retelling.
The thunderstones may not be an original idea, at least the backstory gave us something different.
May 7, 2013, 20:11