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September 21, 2013, 9:37 pm

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Cheka Man
axlerowes
Pieh
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30 Beers

By:

Food of the gods.

1. Groemdeggers Stout
black as death, thick as stone
This is the dwarven grand-daddy of dark ales. No other stouts need apply. At least according to Groemdeggers Breweries, a well-known brand throughout the lands. Quips abound among tavern-goers about this thickest of brews. One can stir it with a spoon for example, so rich and yeasty is the beer. Elves look upon this stuff in revulsion, humans tolerate it, halflings can appreciate it, but only dwarves can truly savor this dark stew! What all dwarves know however, that many others dont, is that so rich in nutrients, starches, and proteins is Groemdeggers Stout, that it can offer a starving dwarf the same nutrition as a buttered loaf of rye bread, and indeed, many dwarves quaff it for breakfast.

2. Ale of the Dales
A common type of beer, the ‘Ale of the Dales’ is the popular way of asking for the house brew at a tavern or inn, rather than drinking beer that was made by the brewers guild. Ale of the Dales runs the gammut from terrible to terribly good, and it is usually very inexpensive.

4. Stella’s Blessing
This lager is special in that it is raised from seed to barrel by a civic minded Loru Valsharris who has adopted the human name Stella. This goddess of the grain maintains a large palatial estate that is overrun with plantlife, wild growing grains, and a mill/brewery in the middle. She has since learned the intricacies of brewing and the value of gold. She has no use for gold other than what it can do for her, but she takes great pride in brewing what is considered the best beer in the kingdom. The only way to get this beer is to travel to her estate and purchase it.

5. Cowhead Double
Cowhead double has a special place in having one of the more convoluted and unsavory fermentation processes. Cowhead is taken in a half fermented stage, while it is still a slurry of water and mash and it is feed to ruminant livestock most commonly cattle. The brew is allowed to spend only so long in the stomach of the cow. Once this is done, the cow is forced to vomit up the liquid where it is strained and mixed with a larger batch of beer that is almost done.

6. Fruits O’ Labor, Lambic Ales
Created by capricious gnomes, and fitting their somewhere-between-dwarves-and-halflings niche, These light, cloudy ales are flavored with fruit, adding a refreshing flavor of tart sweetness to the concoctions. Any and all fruit are used, but particularly popular are gooseberries, quinces, raspberries, and pears. Gnomish Lambic ales are well-known and liked, though beer connoisseurs would never be caught alive drinking the stuff. Fruit in beer? Pshaaww!

7. Giant’s Brew
The giants of old were known for many things, chief among them was their fierce and potent beer. This beer was made from the sheaves of grain grown in high and distant places, fermented in dark vales and barreled in wooden barrels the size of a cottage. The old barrels are long since gone, and the brewers among the giants have since retreated from the world to practice their craft well away from the spears and arrows of upstart humans. Giant’s brew has a full and robust flavor, and no matter how much is drunk will not leave a hang over,

8. Goblin Piss
While many beers are called Goblin piss, there is only one that is the real deal. This local brew is indeed made by goblins, but contains no actual urine. It is a pilsner type beer with an almost sweet taste to it. The goblins who brew it tend to keep the name so they can keep selling their other more appealing and expensive sounding brew to greedy humans and keeping the good stuff to themselves. The goblin taste for this beer has given rise to the expression ‘Happier than a goblin drinking piss’

9. Caravanissary Stout
This thick yeasty beer is one of the strongest of the human made beers, and it is considered semi-dehydrated. Drinking the thick concoction is a sure way to get a sour stomach. The correct method of drinking Caravanissary is to mix the thick brew with at least an equal part of water, and then adding a crushed wedge of some sort of citrus fruit. Oranges and limes are the most common, but it is in vogue in the southern reaches to use the grapefruit.

10. Fog-King’s Mist
Also called, "Possum’s Brew", "Oekkelstagg’s Juice", "Cloudspit", and "Foggymoot", this rare mixture is brewed by the Tribe-of-Possums dwarves, amidst their fog-shrouded fens. The recipe is unknown to the outside world, but the cloud-white ale is one of the most sought after and expensive brews in existence! Pity the ghost-face dwarves of the Possum Tribe do not sell it, nor do they barter with the stuff, but simply brew it for themselves.

11. Haraleven White
This white ale is a specialty of halfling make. Predominantly made of white wheat it is a full bodied beer that is best with a pouch pf pipeweed and a bowl of thick stew. The local brewer of known for having his daughters, all seven of them, deliver his Haraleven by walking donkeys laden with kegs to the various inns and taverns in the area.

12. St. Aviel Ale
This ale has been brewed for centuries at the St. Aviel monastery. The monks there, long devoted pious living, scribery, and the fruits of the harvest. During the feast of Aviel, the monks will don themselves with garlands of flowering hopps and carry about hogsheads of their famous ale, pouring a cup for anyone with a parched throat. St. Aviel was sainted for ending the constant fighting between humans and orcs by bringing them together and getting them drunk to the point that fighting is pointless.

13. Kobold Dragonhead
This beer is unique in that it lasts for a very long time compared to other beers. Once in a keg, a beer’s lifespan in measured in a few weeks in the best of conditions, days in the worst. Dragonhead will oddly enough keep for years in good conditions, and weeks in poor. The secret is that the kobolds who brew this beer have the ill fortune of being around fire breathing dragons. The gouts of flame have the side effect of pasteurizing the beer, provided the beer isnt boiled off, and the kegs aren’t burned.

14. Elven Wheat-Wine
It is commonly known that elves hate beer. As an experiment, an elven vintner attempted to make wine from wheat, as it contained everything needed to make an alcoholic beverage. Several attempts later, he had added the various other ingredients and created elven wheat wine. This ‘beer’ is considered to be one of the worst beers ever to be poured. It has a sharp smell, and after sitting so long it has gone completely flat, and the taste is a mix of sour and wheat. The brew is foul enough that not even a half-drunk ogre would drink it.

15. The Beer of Life
Most beer is brewed from wheat, barley, or other common grains. The Beer of Life is brewed from the Amaranth seed. These seeds are much smaller than most food grade grains, and the plant requires a good deal of work to cultivate. The beer that is brewed from amaranth mash and certain hops is known to have restorative qualities for those who drink it. The taste is both smooth, rich, and pleasurable to drink. This beer is frequently counterfeited with rice beers with a spike of coloring by beer mongers looking to make a quick profit over an unsuspecting customer.

16. The Enchanter’s Decanter of Ale
This ale is produced from one source, a magical decanter. Some decades ago, a hedonistic mage enchanted the decanter to produced ale when it was poured, seldom producing more than two gallons of brew a day. The ale is always crisp and fresh, the head thick and frothy. The mage in question spent more than two years searching for the perfect ale for his magical decanter to produce. Upon his demise, the decanter was given as a gift to the proprietor of the tavern where the mage first struck upon the idea to enchant the decanter.

17. Honey Cream Stout
This luxurious lager is made from milk sugars, extra hops, and honey. The resultant beer is considered to be one of the finest, especially if you listen to the guild beermongers. The beer is made by the silken hands of virgins and delivered by the most buxom of maidens, sloshing and frothy to the taverns and inns. The recipe is old and quite good, property of a whore’s guild guildmaster who has since struck a deal with the brewers guild to make this beer and split the profits.

18. Vonbow’s Pale Ale
This beer is a regular in Vonbows parish. The ale is well known and respected for it’s flavor, which is described as ‘wise’. The ale is brewed in a traditional fashion, but is seasoned with cloves, nutmeg and several other secret spices. It should be drunk only in moderation as it causes some of the worst hangovers known to man.

19. Ol’ Paps Blue Ribbon
This beer claims the honor of having won the blue ribbon for the best beer for the last forty years in the area. It is really a terrible beer, from poor taste to low quality production. Some patrons have found pieces of grain, chaff, and other debris in their tankards of this beer. The secret behind old Paps’ success is that there is no other brewery within two days travel of his. Twice other brewers have ventured to set up shop only to run into difficulty, theft, arson, and such. Old Paps says that is just the lord protectin his own.

20. Redhound
This beer is brewed in the southern swamplands, where rice and wheat compete for the flat land. The resultant beer is made from a mix of the two grains and has a flavor that depends on the heaviness of mixture for or against one of the grains. Dry years tend to be wheaty, while wet one are more favored towards rice. The beer gets it’s name from the current brewmaster’s grandfather. He would say that the beer wasn’t ready until his old Redhound dog would drink it. The dog had a nose on him and wouldn’t take a sop of beer until it was just right.

21. Cheese-Ale
This rather putrid brew, concocted by monks whos abbey sits beside a damp catacomb of wind-caves, have after years of experimentation, combined their two best products, cheese and bear. It was not a huge stretch really. The brewing vats were in the caves next to hanging cheese. Eventually an enterprising monk, deposited curds and bacteria cultures into the bubbling hops and yeast, and cheese beer was born. Foamy, occasionally slippery on the palate, and reeking of donkey hoof, Cheese Ale is as mentioned, an acquired taste. Of course, many demi-humans over the years, have managed to acquire just that taste.

22. Ixian Malt
This dark beer, brewed under the auspices of Ixia, of the Silver Forge, is known for it’s complex and smokey taste. The irony is that Ixia, being the rather matronly and stern goddess that she is, generally disdains the consumption of alcohol, and has long since barred her clergy from consuming even a drop of the beer they brew.

23. Yakspyll’s Finest, Millet Beer
A primitive, fermented beverage, no longer popular in civilized society, millet beer was just that. This rather light yet bitter lager can now be found among the leper colonies of Yakspyll, as these folk survive on the millet crop, and drown their sorrows in its froth. Only the seediest joints stock this poorly brewed swill, or Lepers Ambrosia, as only the poorest of tavern-goers ever order it. "Last-Chance Ale" is another common name for Yakspyll.

24. Time-Beer
Basically another version of the legendary Time-Wine, this stuff is rare and often kept aside by brewers and innkeepers alike, saved for those particuar occasions where the delayed inebriation was desired. Shady types have their own insidious uses for Time-Beer, to be sure.

25. Snowmelt, Ice-Beer
Like its cousins the Ice-wines, these sophisticated lagers are brewed from hop berries that have been flash-frozen while still on the vine. The result is a crisp, sweet, and concentrated flavor, most suitable to after dinner beer-drinking, and as an accompaniment to dessert. The undisputed masters of both Ice wine and beer production are the Grugachi, the wood-ylves of the Slanting Pines.

26. Hrvassk, Wet-Bread
An odious mix to many, a delicacy and staple to others, this lead-gray beer with the consistency and flavor of stale bread left in water for many hours, is low-alcohol and lacto- fermented, possessing a taste reminiscent of burnt malt. Among the steppe barbarians, Hrvassk is also a popular base for summer soups. Raw, aromatic vegetables and herbs are chopped finely and poured into bowls of Hrvassk, eaten chilled.

27. Pepper Peete’s Wicked-Pernicious
Pepper Peete was a well-known saloon owner, famous for winning the Brewers Guild sponsored, Kingdoms Best competition, which was held only once every three years, to ensure and preserve the gravitas of the event. Pepper Peete won an unprecedented three times in a nine-year period, with his now ubiquitous, Wicked-Pernicious Maltless Ale. Considered top-shelf stuff in taverns across the lands, Pepper Peete is said to be working on his next award-winning brew, Falling-Moose-Timber. As his namesake implies, Peete is fond of adding black pepper cloves to his beer, during the mash-turning process.

28. Dead Butterfly
A powerful concoction to be sure, brewed by the satyrs of Badgers Drift, this muddy, chartreuse ale, packs a wallop. Along with the usual hops, barley, and water, the satyrs imbue and steep wild roots and herbs into the mix, such as Wormwood and Angelika Root, and even add crushed butterfly dust of the species, speckled mad-jester. The combined effects of these wild ingredients, imbues the ale with hallucinogenic properties. Dead Butterfly is favored by starving artists, bohemians, and explorers of worlds beyond the doors of perception.

29. St. Psymyon’s Pilsner
St. Psymyon had the fanciful sobriquet, Psymyon of the Drunken Wolves. His legacy, his beer, was the basis of a fanciful legend. St. Psymyon was a hermit who lived in the wilds and brewed his own ales. One day, a pack of hungry wolves surrounded the defenseless holy-man, and surely would have torn him to pieces, were it not for a miracle. St Psymyon offered them the only thing he had to give besides his own flesh. His skin of ale. It was said that the wolves drank long and deep that night, and danced and howled with Psymyon beneath the pale moon. Now many hundreds of years later, St. Psymyons Pilsner, "Wolfs Love" in the colloquial tongue, is a pilsner brewed in the classic abbey tradition, with the recipe of St. Psymyon himself as a guide. Though unproven, many believe a wolf will never attack a man drunk on St. Psymyons Pilsner.

30. Dispater’s Mark
Give the devil his due, he makes a fine and bloody brew!
Dispaters Mark is the local brew of Discord, a city of the Nine Hells, ruled by Dispater himself. Deep, blood-red, or as some call it, Incarnadine Ink, this beer, technically a brown-ale, is one of the few exports which the Nine Hells has to offer. Brewed by colonies of horned-devils, and transported topside via the Gates of Adimox, countless barrels of dead-oak, are carted upon diabolic-looking wagons, pulled by hell-kine, once every year at winter’s solctice. The barrels are delivered to anonymous designated contacts (unsavory merchants) and then dispersed among distributors and innkeepers. Only the most cosmopolitan cities carry the Dispaters Mark brand. Though possessing a superb taste, Dispaters Mark does leave a brutal headache as a calling card, the following day.

MuroMax Productions holiday tribute to Magus of the Citadel and his cheese&wine; works.



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Time-Wine By: Cheka Man ( Items ) Potion - Non-Magical

If you sit down for a drink of Timewine, be careful to remember just how many drinks you have consumed, or it might turn around and club you on the head when you least expect it.

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Comments ( 31 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Cheka Man
December 14, 2008, 9:05
0xp
Very good except Beer #3 is missing.
Murometz
December 14, 2008, 11:06
0xp
ooops. Will add.
Barbarian Horde
March 17, 2009, 21:13
0xp
So... um, it's been several months, I'm really curious as to what the #3 brew was... :-)
Scrasamax
March 18, 2009, 5:16
1xp
3. The Empty
This is known to have been the best beer ever made, with the best head of foam and the richest taste. The color was the perfect shade of amber, the sort that choirs of angels sing of. Too bad someone already drank it.
axlerowes
March 18, 2009, 23:57
5xp
Perhaps beer number three can be the "Beer which we do not speak of", the "Nameless One", the kind of beer ordered only with head nods, eye contact, innuendo, and large sums of cash. The type of beer they go in the back for, the beer that is served in its own idiosyncratic glass, the beer that the cooler guy standing next to you at the bar always has but you are too naïve and proud to ask for. Beer number 3 is the type of beer that could never be referred to as a brewsque or a cold one. It no doubt is an experience to shame those elves sipping sugar wine and those dwarves who toss whiskey in their stouts and call it angel shit. Beer number three is the less filling, tastes great champagne of beers that earns blue ribbons from here to the Rockies. A beer so good that that were the devil to buy a six-pack the entire host of heavenly angels would descend to earth to reclaim it, because there could be no hell in a place where this draft is cracked.

Who wants to give this beer a name? Stout, ale, pilsner, lager -none apply- this beer knows things those schools of brewing could never teach. This brew has no ass. Every sip of this enigmatic balance of hops, yeast and grain is as crisp and fresh as the first. It is said that the Gods could only lay the land atop the sea cause they floated so many of these kegs. You cant give this beer a name, because then you could ask for it.

And you don't order this beer. It orders you.
Murometz
March 19, 2009, 1:35
0xp
groovy! I like it. Take an 'xp plus' for your troubles. Erin Go Bragh!
Scrasamax
December 14, 2008, 12:35
0xp
Huzzah! 30 Beers live!
Voted Chaosmark
December 14, 2008, 13:35
0xp
I keep getting the thought of zombie-beer. Straaaaange.
Voted valadaar
December 14, 2008, 18:57
0xp
This is different! Nicely done Muromax! Nice to see you folks back at it!
Voted Maggot
December 15, 2008, 1:31
0xp
It certainly adds some flavour where tavern crawling is concerned. These fantasy brews out to make stopovers in pubs a more interesting experience for PCs. Well done.
Voted Dozus
December 19, 2008, 8:53
0xp
Delicious! Nice to have some brand names to the eponymous "Give me an ale" in the ol' tavern.

And might I note that an advantage of Ol' Paps Blue Ribbon is that it costs but a slim copper a mug, affording even the thriftiest of adventurers liquid relief. ;)
Cheka Man
December 19, 2008, 11:56
0xp
Have an HOH from me. :)
Voted punkcasher
March 11, 2009, 1:18
0xp
Alays love the 30's when they have fantasy foods. Keep up the good stuff.

:)
manfred
March 16, 2009, 5:08
0xp
This submission has been featured on Roleplayingtips.com, Issue 438. Congratulations to the authors - enjoy a cold one. ;)

See it here.
Voted axlerowes
March 16, 2009, 14:22
0xp
This is certainly going in my binder. Excellent.
Voted Pariah
March 18, 2009, 8:01
Only voted
Voted Strolen
May 23, 2009, 22:25
0xp
Mmmmmmmm. Beeeer.....Arrrghlrrrlllll
Voted freebooter
May 24, 2009, 6:22
0xp
Groemdeggers Stout sounds like just the brew for me... ;)

Great submission mate. Very well written and you've put some great ideas into it. Stella’s Blessing sounds like it's based on Stella Artois... If you think Stella is worthy of the title 'best beer in the kingdom' you clearly don't drink enough good beer :)
Scrasamax
November 23, 2009, 8:19
0xp
To each their own, cheers :)
axlerowes
October 28, 2009, 19:14
0xp
I did not get to Hall of Honor this before.

Besides you can't have beer without fire.
Voted tinypoisonousfish
October 28, 2009, 19:42
0xp
Nice. I especially liked the names. Dead Butterfly and Enchanter's Decanter stick out most for me, but most of them are good, well written. Slainte!
Ancient Gamer
October 29, 2009, 9:56
0xp
Hot damn, there are some good 30s! Well done Murometz, this is some fine lager fantasy indeed!
Ancient Gamer
October 29, 2009, 10:01
0xp
Will use Goblin Piss And Enchanters Decanter this weekend!
Oakwood
November 22, 2009, 20:36
5xp
Sorry to drop in so late, but I can't resist it, as a homebrewer, i have to try to reverse engineer some of these beers based on the name and description, and brew them.

Groemdeggers Stout will be the first, I'll let you know how it works...

Oakwood
Murometz
February 23, 2012, 10:40
0xp
Oakwood! Come back and give us that Groemdegger stout update! :)
Voted Pieh
November 23, 2009, 20:43
0xp
Great job, Guys. Love the take on the old Goblin Piss, though in my early groups is was either Orc Piss or Goblin Sweat, the idea is still lovely. Totally worth a 5 for this colorful 30 on a great topic.
axlerowes
February 23, 2012, 6:48
0xp

FOR Z

Voted Kassy
April 16, 2012, 16:00
0xp

Great sub!

Snowmelt sounds good. (I adore ice-wine)

Strolen
May 6, 2013, 12:48
0xp
Beer. 'nuf said. hiccup
Voted Dossta
May 6, 2013, 15:36
0xp
I don't know what I liked more about this sub -- the names, or the descriptions. They just got better and better with each entry. I DO wish that you would finally edit #3 into the list, even if you just use axlerowe's suggestion. This makes it into the binder -- right next to my collection of tavern names and menus.
Dossta
May 6, 2013, 15:37
0xp
Also, you should consider adding the 30 freetext to this sub. Would make it even easier to find.

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