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Armor
Cursed
4.23
15 Votes

72xp


Hits: 4776
Comments: 18
Ideas: 0
Rating: 4.2333
Condition: Normal
ID: 3194

Submitted:

Updated:
July 10, 2009, 3:32 pm

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Murometz
Scrasamax
Cheka Man

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Ye Accursed Codde Piece of Red Hatchet

By:

Few things are more important to a warrior than to ensure that his… coddes… are well protected, and Red Hatchet was no exception…

This sturdy creation of polished steel and leather is adorned with the face of some sort of hideous demon wrought in gleaming gold.  Lined with soft fur, it is remarkably comfortable and elegant, in a rakish style.  Many are those who would pay richly for such an item, if it weren’t for the curse…

The Origin of the Accursed Codde-Piece
Anyone who ever met the Dwarf renegade known as Red Hatchet had to admit that he was an evil-tempered bastard.  A vicious berserker without any redeeming virtues, he was a murderous beast.

The only person that Red Hatchet ever really cared about was his mother, Cradaminta, a demanding Dwarf matron known as “The Battleaxe” for several reasons.  She raised Red Hatchet alone, a rarity among the conservative dwarves.  Brought up by his formidable mother, Red Hatchet learned to be equally formidable; she taught him to channel insane rage into berserk fury.  Before he left home, she gave him a gift, an enchanted codpiece adorned with her portrait.  (Those two had more issues than I care to discuss.) The codpiece was enchanted so that it could never come loose without its owner willing it to, and while worn, it made its wearer highly resistant to injury in that area, serving as virtually perfect armor for the groin.

Later, Red Hatchet was briefly married.  His wife soon realized that she could never compare to the highly unusual expectations that Red Hatchet’s mother had set and threw him out of the old salt mine that they called their home.  A vengeful soul, she brought his favorite codpiece, the one with his mother’s portrait, to an elderly dwarf witch, a wicked soul who enchanted it further, twisting its magic to an entirely different end.  Never the brightest of dwarves, Red Hatchet never did understand what had happened to his favorite codpiece.

Some months later, Red Hatchet heard of a bandit gang that intrigued him, a wicked band led by a cold-hearted villain called Jervoe.  He attempted to scout their camp, but while he was hiding in the bushes watching them, his codpiece unfortunately fell off and glanced off a rock with an audible ‘clang’.  As the bandits drew their weapons and approached the suspicious shrub, Red Hatchet knew that his stealthy approach was blown.  He leapt forth from the bushes and into bandit history.  The rogues were amazed by his audacity:  Never before had they met a dwarf with the chutzpah to challenge them while his pride was waving in the breeze.  Instead of skewering him as they’d originally planned, they escorted him to see Jervoe, who was so impressed by the dwarf’s bold approach that he hired Red Hatchet on the spot.

The Curse of the Codde
This codpiece was once enchanted so that it couldn’t accidentally come loose and the wielder’s groin was well protected.  Its enchantment has now been altered so that it can’t be removed if the wearer urgently wants it off.  To make matters worse, it now tends to come loose and fall off if the owner strongly doesn’t want it to come off, such as during formal occasions and in battle.  Finally, Red Hatchet had suffered from a persistent fungus; the magical tampering with the codpiece has affected this disease, rendering it resistant to any known treatment as long as the codpiece is in the victim’s possession.  Despite the effects of the curse, which may cause some unpleasant incidents, the codpiece itself always remains clean and exudes a pleasant musky scent.



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Comments ( 18 )
Commenters gain extra XP from Author votes.

Voted Shadoweagle
October 10, 2006, 1:28
0xp
*Wipes a tear away from his eye*
Voted manfred
October 10, 2006, 2:24
0xp
Now that's a really crazy magical item. Kudos for this... *shakes head* :)
Voted Scrasamax
October 10, 2006, 2:35
0xp
Speak up least we afflict ye coddes with the accursed codde piece, ye shall crawl with itchings and ye coddes shall have a pleasant musky odor!

I shall speaketh, just only take away thine codde piece!
Voted Dozus
October 10, 2006, 6:33
0xp
Mmm... Musky...
Cheka Man
October 10, 2006, 12:32
0xp
LOL *really likes this item*
Voted Pariah
October 10, 2006, 18:57
0xp
Oi!! I'll pass on the codde piece
Voted Murometz
October 10, 2006, 19:50
0xp
Smell it and weep!

quirky and fun. Nice Wulf!
Voted MoonHunter
October 12, 2006, 16:53
0xp
If it was not such a distinctive piece it would be a perfect Garage Sale from Hell item.

This story is just sooo odd that it bring versimiltude to the piece. Good job. Paws up
Voted Dragon Lord
September 30, 2008, 7:30
0xp
A cursed cod-piece - brilliant - hilarious - love it
Oh, the possibilities

It's taken me five minutes just to regain my composure
For that alone it deserves a Wish I'd thought of that award

Vote:
3 for a basically good idea
+1 for a good backstory
+½ for making me laugh
Total: 4½ / 5
Voted valadaar
September 30, 2008, 10:02
0xp
I never voted on this- for shame!

Most definately a unique item Wulf! Nicely done!
Voted Fallen Angel
June 29, 2009, 21:19
Only voted
Voted Pieh
November 20, 2010, 4:07
0xp

HAHAHAHAHAHA! ... Heh heh... Ha!

Love it! Good work on this one, I remember seeing it years ago, but never took the time to read it. Great gag gift! HA!

Voted Cheka Man
November 20, 2010, 13:27
0xp

*scratch scratch*

Voted Black Jack Rackham
November 21, 2010, 19:12
0xp

Hmm, how to comment on something so...unique.  It made me smile, laugh and wince on occasion during the reading. 

If I were going to be critical (and believe me I don't really want to but it's the only improvement I can think of), that'd be to say that I don't really see the long term use of such an item.  Sure it's great for a one-off or just a few adventures, but the item doesn't seem to have any long term utility (find the way to get rid of it, and walk away).  It'd sure be nice for this to have some positive effect which may be just enough of a bonus for the PCs to consider keeping it...

Just my 2.98579375 cents worth.

Mark

Wulfhere
November 26, 2010, 23:08
0xp
In Murometz's old school game, my character was disappointed by the minimal loot we found on the remains of the vicious dwarven berserker Red Hatchet. We took everything, no matter how ill-omened, or (in this case) unhygenic.

Unfortunately, we found it difficult to sell off the confiscated goods, especially the vile dwarf's alarming codpiece.

Thus was born the legend of the accursed coddepiece...
Voted olontur
May 9, 2012, 2:42
0xp

So, is there any urge to smell it???

Wulfhere
May 9, 2012, 19:07
1xp
I fervently hope not.
Voted PoisonAlchemist
May 30, 2013, 14:44
0xp
Humor-wise it's not my bag (I'm the sort who winces watching 'funny' videos of people getting injured) but I do like the idea.

Freetext



Random Idea Seed View All Idea Seeds

       By: ephemeralstability

Idea from the Aeneid. Could make an intriguing encounter when searching for firewood..."Quite near there happened to be a mound of earth, at the highest part of which were growing thickets of cornel and a dense cluster of spiky myrtle-stems. I went up there and tried to wrench the green growth from the ground to provide a leafy covering for our altar. There I was confronted by a horrible and astounding miracle. For from the first bush which I tried to break off...blood oozed in dark drops, fouling the earth with its spots...A piteous moan came from the base of the mound and I heard a human voice answering me: 'Why, Aeneas, must you rend a poor sufferer? I am buried here...for I am Polydorus. Here death overpowered me in a crop of piercing iron-pointed spears. And so a crop resembling javelins has grown over me...'"

Ideas  ( Plots ) | March 27, 2003 | View | UpVote 1xp


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