New SubmissionsSpecial Equipment:
His demon axe is Zhorrsj, it has demon runes on it.
He also wiels a magickal sword that can fire fireballs.
Appearance:
Arrkrash is a big Demon from another dimension.
Hes wery dangourous. He has big red horns and a blue body.
His eyes are like red blood rubys.
he is wery tall and have big tusks.
Background:
He was summoned long ago by a wizard of tge Opus Dei organization. The wizard couldnt controll him so he killed him. Since then he has been haunting the earth looking for other wizards to kill.
Roleplaying Notes:
He is wery angry all the time and he hates all wizards since they allwant to enslave other demons.
He has the firewLL spell.
The greath black death spell.
The enourmpus awake the greatest demon spell.
The gm should be carull to use this npc in adventures since he is wery mighty.
He is suited to be the boss in the end of an campaign or something.
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2005-06-04 08:14 PM
0/5.
2005-06-04 10:01 PM
0/5, needs massive editing
2005-06-04 11:13 PM
1 point for not being blatantly plagiarized.
-1 point for gratuitous and eXCessive spelling and caPiTaLization errors.
-1 point for being a vague and uninteresting demon.
-1 point for Opus Dei (Work of God) employing demon summoning wizards. Shame, for shame!
All in all, a -1 post.
2005-06-05 04:52 AM
2005-06-05 09:05 AM
Agony, could you please stop and read a few of our posts, trying to read 4 and 5 star posts. That will give you an idea on what we are looking for.
First, Opus Dei organization has no thaumaturgical element, so no spell casting there. Opus Dei would openly oppose the bringing of demons, so not a real good source of summoning.
Next: Arrkrash is a big Demon from another dimension.
Aren't they all from another dimension?
Next: His demon axe is Zhorrsj, it has demon runes on it.
Which do? It is just an Axe from Hell? Does it tap dance or play the accordian?
Next: The wizard couldnt controll him so he killed him. Since then he has been haunting the earth looking for other wizards to kill.
As a history goes, it is like saying The Entire Star War Series (all six) was. A desert kid grows up with great power, is corrupted by it, and eventually, with the help of his son, gets better. Do you see how much that is missing? Explain more please.
Next: He is suited to be the boss in the end of an campaign or something.
Why? The way you described him, he is really nothing more than a speed bump in the way of a couple adventurers. If he is THAT DANGEROUS, you need to tell us WHY!!!!
End Rant
2005-06-05 09:15 AM
Wraaararlll!
2005-06-05 09:46 AM
The abv. would be Dr&De :)
2005-06-05 03:25 PM
Just don't forget to include vampires and unicorns.
2005-06-05 05:54 PM
I don't think that is a good way of helping.
Besides I may not be as old as you guys. And therefore not so good at grammar and stuff. It's hard to make a good character.
And you are not exactly making it any esier.
I will try to make the NPC better.
2005-06-05 07:38 PM
... I was going to link to a zillion four line demon characters, but they have all been erased.
HEY! People! We cannot joke like this if there are no previous screw ups for people to learn from! It is completely unfair!
Anyhow:
Everyone does demons, drow and assassins you know (Though the drow has been absent lately... Too long since the last videogame featuring "Evil Drow(tm)" I guess). We have had a zillion big, bad demons posted in here. We are not trying to be bastards, we are just tired of 1337 demons :)
2005-06-06 02:52 AM
2005-07-16 03:37 AM
At least his character is patriotic. With the blue body, red horns and eyes and all....
Hmmmm the "Patriotic Demon".Eh sounds like an oxymoron to me.
2005-07-16 10:19 AM
More seriously, A patriotic demon could push people from mere patriotism to nationalism. Nationalism, when taken far enough, leads to oppression (of minorities and foreigners), warfare, and less enlightened forms of government internally (oppression of citizens for the good of the country, fascism/ cronyism/ corrupt governments under the nationalist flags, etc).
NOTE: The reason this thread has not been deleted is we don't have any current bad examples left. So until we have a new replacement, this one stay.
2005-07-16 02:10 PM
2005-07-17 06:59 PM
A HORROR HAS BEEN RESURRECTED FROM THAT VAST HELL OF ABOMINATIONS, THE PIT OF BAD CHARACTERS!
SEND IT BACK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SEND IT BACK!
2005-07-17 07:28 PM
I like Echo's idea.
2005-07-18 04:50 PM
2005-07-19 01:29 PM
2005-07-19 10:39 PM
This is a bad post but look how many responces it has generated.
2005-07-20 08:49 AM
Because you all post up crap on these posts... they come up under the most popular searches (between posts and views). So when people come to the site, looking for new things, click on most popular... they get THIS! (or things just like it).
And this is such a great first impression.
2005-07-20 12:01 PM
2006-04-04 05:01 PM
I am prejudiced, because I really like almost all demons/devils. Would you please put in more details?
2006-04-04 05:24 PM
2006-04-05 12:29 AM
2006-04-06 03:02 PM
2006-07-13 03:52 PM
"The enourmpus awake the greatest demon spell"
That is solid gold.
2006-07-15 07:43 AM
2006-07-15 11:00 AM
2006-07-15 06:50 PM
2006-10-17 03:00 PM
I see that you have visited the site since those other responses were posted, so it is possible that you may see this comment.
I started gaming in 1977, when I was 10 years old. I was fortunate that when I was young, I was able to write articulately and the standards of what was considered a good gaming scenario were much lower than they are today. I remember many a gaming scenario that featured two-dimensional demons described in two sentences, quests that started out “The Princess has been kidnapped!” and crawls through the most unlikely dungeons imaginable. I wrote adventures that were such utter rubbish that I don’t understand why I couldn’t see that at the time.
They weren’t mocked, because we didn’t know better then. People are much more jaded these days and are very critical of these old clichés.
Everyone starts somewhere. Don’t let the discouraging response and mockery that this submission has received stop you from learning and writing more. Much of the criticism that this demon has received was because it draws upon some of the most common themes and ideas found in fantasy writing today.
2007-09-21 12:01 PM
I didn't see this post before, but to everybody involved, that was harsh beyond measure. Agony's reply was a sign that he wanted to learn and improve. And indeed, his next post was a whole order of magnitude better. I understand the need for high standard, but some of the post were uncalled for. A few year ago, that could have easily been me. Or as wulfhere mentions, any one of us. And to be honest, If I'd read the comments or been replied to like this, I wouldn't have joined. Because of that, my next posts after the raid on Tantalus IV are going to be a drow post, a demon post, Count Drizzt Neorine van der Kataanen( a vampire), and a unicorn. In honor of the oft mocked classics which still draw people to RP.
2007-09-21 05:24 PM
2006-12-14 01:46 PM
2007-06-10 12:41 AM
This submission has been in the citadel for 2 years at the time of this update. Since it's inception it has served a purpose and is very well known among Citadel membership. With apologies to Agony, this submission stands as the low water mark. It has every example of being a bad submission, which have already been beaten to death in the commentary above.
This submission has been challenged a number of times (by the same member, I might add) and each time it has emerged again as the prime example of a bad submission. For lack of better language this submission will remain in the Citadel until Agony or Strolen himself decide to remove it and not a moment less.
With Agony returned to the site I hope to see him return to this submission and possibly make some of the changes that were suggested above, but I am fine with it the way it is now. Arrkrash can now be considered 'under my protection'
2007-09-21 01:35 PM
But I hope Agony returns and shows us how it should be done. I would applaud that.
2007-09-21 01:55 PM
2007-09-21 10:32 PM
2010-12-05 11:28 PM
Wow! You know, guys, if you had been half as harsh on my first sub, I'd never have been back.
I agree that it was abysmally bad, but a lot of the comments were taunting or mockeries, rather than any kind of effort to encourage or mentor him. We all have to start somewhere, and I don't know of any writer who, when talking about his first efforts, doesn't say something to the effect of 'reading it now made me squirm with embarrassment'. At least he is putting something of himself on the line, which most people wouldn't dream of doing; he deserves something more than a put-down for that.
I firmly agree with Wulfhere and dark_dragon and the later posters. Agony - keep at it. Your later subs were significantly better, keep writing and improving.
2010-12-07 05:37 AM
So, when Agony came along, doing exactly that, we were kinda drained of nice and constructive, and could just poke fun.
Also: Count Drizzt Neorine van der Kataanen remains still unwritten!
2011-01-28 12:16 AM
I stumbled across this quite by accident while browsing the Npc section. While a useful bad example there is a certain amusement and poetry factor to the sub that is rather... Memorable
After a pause I thought of an actual application for the sub, as written, for my next fantasy game session. Seriously
Imagine the characters coming across an utterly devastated town, ruins and the remnants of bodies laying scattered about like an angry child might toss their toy soldiers in a fit of rage.
Shorty after searching the town for survivors they find a very young girl, maybe 3 or 4 standing amidst the wreckage still clutching her mothers severed hand and staring at the adventurers in shock.
When asked what happened she recounts the sub pretty much as written. How this little one knows even a fraction of the history of the demon is the twenty thousand dollar question. (perhaps overheard by her demon worshipping parents? Or on the lips of a drunken bard who knew not what horrors he was about to call forth?)
Dealing with the creature as it continues its rampage of destruction would be the rest of the plot line. (As well having fun messing with the suspicious players who will likely entertain the notion the little girl is either the demon in disguise, or possessed by it somehow.)
A 1.5 and HOH, not because it's of outstanding quality, (obviously) but as a reminder to myself and others then even the worst example can be used to great effect by a creative GM with a little effort to create an interesting session that would never have otherwise occurred to them.
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