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Should I make this piece of text more easily accessible?

Leave in all glaring spelling mistakes, in the spirit of the author
At least change most of the y's back to i's
Other (Requires explanation)

Author Topic: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub  (Read 4610 times)

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Offline Gossamer

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Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« on: June 02, 2013, 03:06:25 PM »
In the sub I am currently working on, I'm going to have a piece of badly, and I do mean badly, written poetry, supposedly written by a pining young nobleman. The way I wrote it, is that it is intended to be bad. Any grammar or spelling mistakes(as well as the seemingly random capital letters) you see, are most likely intentional. However, what is most important, is the spirit of the poem. And I feel that spirit may be ruined, if you can't read the durn thing in the first place. So, I post it here, to see if I should make it somewhat more easily accessible, before putting it into the sub. Or if it suffices in its awfulness the way it stands right now. My main concearn being, that in an attempt to parody old timey English, I may have rendered it unreadable. Judge for yourself.


Lo, tyS yn mynE thuMb as yn anger's veil. Anger, wrath, outrage! Pray hwhy dost thou cloth thyself yn such a garb? Dancing bryghtly upon cave as yn hearth. Touch me not, aye cannot endure thy embrace! SpIlled upon slaughTer's fiEld, shining on ravEn's beak. The rose hath caRried tHy guise for centuries styll, tys buT a kyss whence sharpened pricK cOncearned, to open one's heart to bring fOrth thy name! To Bite into thy soft skyn, and thus tastE tHy naTure, growing from a brancH, be it apple or currant. To share yn true love's embrace, and so meetinG thyself, to better yet form the petals of affection. From thy, aye syp the wine of thy moUth, sharing our devOtion. Lyke sweet cheRries, aye sHall pick and pick, yeT no fullness will ever sate me. To syt downe and dine on rasPberry sherbet, to watch thy soup be lyfted to meet wyth thy lyps. Oh sweet ladybug, lyke the rIbbons yn thy hair. Coursing through our joined fLesh, and so shall fyll our heir. As the brick hits the tomato, so as the lobster's claw, is thy hair, a fiery blaze. Setting aFlame myne heart.
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Offline Elbin

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2013, 03:16:16 PM »
I can understand it easily, and English is not my mother's tongue, so it should be accessible to most others :)

Indentation and new lines will help though, if those are not beyond the intended author's abilities.
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Offline caesar193

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2013, 04:43:52 PM »
Yeah, I agree with Elbin. Break the whole thing into two or more paragraphs. That should make it easier to read. And even if it is difficult, the poring over it to discover the meaning of this and this will lead to better understanding of the poet.

But yeah, leave in the spelling and grammar mistakes.

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Offline Scrasamax

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2013, 05:43:46 PM »
Just leave a note in the submission that the poem is supposed to be like it is, in case a reader hasn't read this thread


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Offline Moonlake

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2013, 06:35:24 PM »
I concur. The bad-written poem is fine with me. I can understand its meaning well enough once I decipher some of the actual words really meant (the yn really got me for a sec). Like Scras said, just put a note up front declaring that the bad-written poem is there to be an atmosphere enhancer. 

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Offline Kassy

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2013, 04:49:49 AM »
I remember you asking me this in the full chat last week. Personally, it pains me to look upon, let alone read.

As I said then, it reminds me too much of 13 year old kids ridiculous gaming names and l33tspEaK.

That might just be me and at the end of the day everyone is welcome to their own opinion. For me, it's a no go.

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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2013, 08:56:40 AM »
The capital letters found throughout where they ain't supposed to be, are no accident, nor are they for flavour. I can tell y'all that much. The problem is, I would have preferred a different font, but I'm not sure if that is possible. I'm definately going to increase the space between rows though. Not sure if I can divide it up though, as it all hangs together. Btw has anyone figured out what the poem is supposed to be about?
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Offline valadaar

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2013, 09:11:00 AM »
He really, really likes red? :)
   
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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2013, 09:16:45 AM »
He really, really likes red? :)

Yup, the submission is called; An Ode to the Colour Red. :) BUT, there's more to it than that, a nice little twist, just y'all wait.
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Offline Moonlake

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2013, 05:58:51 PM »
Honestly, I thought this was a love poem the guy wrote for some lady (though I was a little puzzled as to why the guy started off saying he was outraged at the way the girl dresses but you said this was a badly written poem so *shrugs*).

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Offline Strolen

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2013, 02:57:40 PM »
You missed an "e" on tomato.

How old is sherbert?

If it is in the context of the sub, I don't think there be is none x'plaining todo.

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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2013, 03:03:05 PM »
Honestly, I thought this was a love poem the guy wrote for some lady (though I was a little puzzled as to why the guy started off saying he was outraged at the way the girl dresses but you said this was a badly written poem so *shrugs*).


Hehe. :D

You missed an "e" on tomato.

How old is sherbert?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomato

And who's sherbert?
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Offline Strolen

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2013, 11:38:59 PM »
I suppose you spell potatoe without an "e" too. :)

Sherbert, Sherbet, Sorbet? It's your ancient noble's poem. Sherbet is a more recent term and stuck out to me. Almost as much as the Non-Quayle spellings of fruits.

I would reread it for consistency though to avoid confusion. I would argue that the poem is not misspelling or bad grammar but a different style of misspelling that is entirely on purpose. If it is an educated misspelling/style, they would repeat the same misspellings/differences all the time...as you mostly did. A couple "on" got through and if most o's are replaced by y's maybe or should yr as well? If it is consistent style then there are quite a few other changes that need to be made to unify it better. Unless those differences are on purpose. When you get used to reading it the way it is written, the ones that don't fit the pattern stand out a bit more and I am not sure that is the full intention.

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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2013, 06:56:11 AM »
I suppose you spell potatoe without an "e" too. :)


This is what I get when I search for; Tomatoe or Potatoe
http://oxforddictionaries.com/spellcheck/english/?q=tomatoe

And this is what I get when I search for; Tomato or Potato
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/tomato?q=tomato
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/potato?q=potato

I don't know if it would be different in American English or not, but I'll take the Oxford Dictionaries answer. ;)

Sherbert, Sherbet, Sorbet? It's your ancient noble's poem. Sherbet is a more recent term and stuck out to me. Almost as much as the Non-Quayle spellings of fruits.


Oh, I didn't think about that. Hmm, it's a frozen dessert, supposedly invented some time in the 1500s. I just wanted something in regards to raspberries, maybe a Compote...No, that's 17th Century...Sugared Raspberries? I dunno, I'll think of something.

I would reread it for consistency though to avoid confusion. I would argue that the poem is not misspelling or bad grammar but a different style of misspelling that is entirely on purpose. If it is an educated misspelling/style, they would repeat the same misspellings/differences all the time...as you mostly did. A couple "on" got through and if most o's are replaced by y's maybe or should yr as well? If it is consistent style then there are quite a few other changes that need to be made to unify it better. Unless those differences are on purpose. When you get used to reading it the way it is written, the ones that don't fit the pattern stand out a bit more and I am not sure that is the full intention.


I replaced o's with y's? Didn't mean to do that, I just thought I swapped most of the I's...Hmm, I'll proof-read it again then. Thanks for spotting that. :)
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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2013, 01:01:16 PM »
Two more examples.

(In this one, I kept the y's but had to remove the code letters, since there weren't any i's left)
Lo, tys yn myne thumb as yn anger's veyl. Anger, wrath, outrage! Pray hwhy dost thou cloth thyself yn such a garb? Dancyng bryghtly upon cave as yn hearth. Touch me not, aye cannot endure thy embrace! Spylled upon slaughter's fyeld, shynyng on raven's beak. The rose hath carryed thy guyse for centuryes styll, tys but a kyss whence sharpened pryck concearned, to open one's heart to bring forth thy name! To byte ynto thy soft skyn, and thus taste thy nature, growyng from a branch, be yt apple or currant. To share yn true love's embrace, and so meetyng thyself, to better yet form the petals of affectyon. From thy, aye syp the wyne of thy mouth, sharyng our devotyon. Lyke sweet cherryes, aye shall pyck and pyck, yet no fullness wyll ever sate me. To syt downe and dyne on raspberry tart, to watch thy soup be lyfted to meet wyth thy lyps. Oh sweet ladybug, lyke the rybbons yn thy hayr. Coursyng through our joyned flesh, and so shall fyll our heyr. As the bryck hyts the tomato, so as the lobster's claw, ys thy hayr, a fyery blaze. Settyng aflame myne heart.


(In this version, I kept the code letters but changed the y's to i's)
Lo, tiS in minE thuMb as in anger's veil. Anger, wrath, outrage! Pray hwhy dost thou cloth thyself in such a garb? Dancing brightly upon cave as in hearth. Touch me not, aye cannot endure thy embrace! SpIlled upon slaughTer's fiEld, shining on ravEn's beak. The rose hath caRried tHy guise for centuries still, tis buT a kiss whence sharpened pricK cOncearned, to open one's heart to bring fOrth thy name! To Bite into thy soft skin, and thus tastE tHy naTure, growing from a brancH, be it apple or currant. To share in true love's embrace, and so meetinG thyself, to better yet form the petals of affection. From thy, aye sip the wine of thy moUth, sharing our devOtion. Like sweet cheRries, aye sHall pick and pick, yeT no fullness will ever sate me. To sit downe and dine on rasPberry tart, to watch thy soup be lifted to meet with thy lips. Oh sweet ladybug, like the rIbbons in thy hair. Coursing through our joined fLesh, and so shall fill our heir. As the brick hits the tomato, so as the lobster's claw, is thy hair, a fiery blaze. Setting aFlame mine heart.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2013, 01:02:47 PM by Gossamer »
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Offline Forganthus

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #15 on: June 06, 2013, 02:05:57 PM »
I like it a lot better without the ridiculous capitol letters.  It's easier to read, and I can actually focus on the words.

Also, this is fantastic.  This is like, the best thing I've read all day.
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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #16 on: June 06, 2013, 02:12:36 PM »
I like it a lot better without the ridiculous capitol letters.  It's easier to read, and I can actually focus on the words.

Also, this is fantastic.  This is like, the best thing I've read all day.

Thank you! :D I hope you enjoy the full sub just as much when I get it out.

Right now, I'm experimenting with pictures, and coloring in the code letters, so you'll be happy to know that the capital letters are gone(if I can get the durn thing to work in the actual sub that is).
I've also chosen to reduce the number of ill-fitting y's, but not remove them completely, as a compromise.
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Offline Gossamer

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Re: Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub
« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2013, 04:41:59 PM »
In the end, I couldn't use the picture to get my own font. It got too blurry. But here it is, the final product;

http://strolen.com/viewing/7385
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