Idea Guild > Sagely Advice

Wanting input on a slightly controversial piece of a sub

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Gossamer:
In the sub I am currently working on, I'm going to have a piece of badly, and I do mean badly, written poetry, supposedly written by a pining young nobleman. The way I wrote it, is that it is intended to be bad. Any grammar or spelling mistakes(as well as the seemingly random capital letters) you see, are most likely intentional. However, what is most important, is the spirit of the poem. And I feel that spirit may be ruined, if you can't read the durn thing in the first place. So, I post it here, to see if I should make it somewhat more easily accessible, before putting it into the sub. Or if it suffices in its awfulness the way it stands right now. My main concearn being, that in an attempt to parody old timey English, I may have rendered it unreadable. Judge for yourself.


Lo, tyS yn mynE thuMb as yn anger's veil. Anger, wrath, outrage! Pray hwhy dost thou cloth thyself yn such a garb? Dancing bryghtly upon cave as yn hearth. Touch me not, aye cannot endure thy embrace! SpIlled upon slaughTer's fiEld, shining on ravEn's beak. The rose hath caRried tHy guise for centuries styll, tys buT a kyss whence sharpened pricK cOncearned, to open one's heart to bring fOrth thy name! To Bite into thy soft skyn, and thus tastE tHy naTure, growing from a brancH, be it apple or currant. To share yn true love's embrace, and so meetinG thyself, to better yet form the petals of affection. From thy, aye syp the wine of thy moUth, sharing our devOtion. Lyke sweet cheRries, aye sHall pick and pick, yeT no fullness will ever sate me. To syt downe and dine on rasPberry sherbet, to watch thy soup be lyfted to meet wyth thy lyps. Oh sweet ladybug, lyke the rIbbons yn thy hair. Coursing through our joined fLesh, and so shall fyll our heir. As the brick hits the tomato, so as the lobster's claw, is thy hair, a fiery blaze. Setting aFlame myne heart.

Elbin:
I can understand it easily, and English is not my mother's tongue, so it should be accessible to most others :)

Indentation and new lines will help though, if those are not beyond the intended author's abilities.

caesar193:
Yeah, I agree with Elbin. Break the whole thing into two or more paragraphs. That should make it easier to read. And even if it is difficult, the poring over it to discover the meaning of this and this will lead to better understanding of the poet.

But yeah, leave in the spelling and grammar mistakes.

Scrasamax:
Just leave a note in the submission that the poem is supposed to be like it is, in case a reader hasn't read this thread

Moonlake:
I concur. The bad-written poem is fine with me. I can understand its meaning well enough once I decipher some of the actual words really meant (the yn really got me for a sec). Like Scras said, just put a note up front declaring that the bad-written poem is there to be an atmosphere enhancer. 

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