Idea Guild > Fields of Challenge

Readers and Writers First: Quest 1, Cheka man's novel

<< < (2/3) > >>

axlerowes:
Chapter 3:

There a few errors in the first paragraph that made it a difficult read for me. I think there is a comma missing from the first sentence, and when Corday turned to her I think it was be an inquisitive look but we aren't clear on what was being communicated between the couple. But over all I like the first three paragraphs, th perspective has been reset from Eleanor's to Delilah's and we travel back in time a bit to gain Delilah's view of the events in chapter 2. 

Overall this is a much longer chapter and I was surprised at the focus.  Much of this work so far seems to be about clothes. I reminds me of a book I read this summer called "The Weird Sisters", it was about three sisters named after various Shakesperian heroines who move back home with the their Shakespeare scholar father who is propertied to speak almost entirely in iambic pentameter and make constant references to the bard.  However, the book was filled more the descriptions of what the main characters were wearing than any reference Elizabethan drama.  This story too seems to be very consumed with what the people are wearing.  You have long description of what the character is taking off and putting on.  The conflict between the Queen and the main character doesn't really progress though it does play out, with the main character getting whipped and the husband being delayed by steam harpoon.  Much of the chapter seems to resemble, at least in content-the tone is entirely different, the whipping of Kunta Kinte in Roots when the slave owner wanted to say his name was Tony.  Here the Queen whips Delilah until she agrees to be called Sarah.

The tone is still blunt and modern even the Queen speaks in a flippant casual tone., but the story seems to being taking on some very strong S&M overtones.  The main character is whipped and forced to strip in front of a woman who intends to use her sexually.  There is whole paragraph dedicate to whether the Queen could see Delilah's breasts or not. 

And we end with a brief view of the palace, well guarded not a lot of hope for escape, and the action keeps going as the Queen seeks to take her new "Sarah" to their bedroom.

axlerowes:
Chapter 4:


The first four paragraphs are a bit of mess. We enter into scene with character in an embrace maybe, we don't know where they are, or if they are in the bedroom yet.  I assume when it says that Queen is ignoring Delilah that it means ignoring her pleas because she doesn't seem to be physically ignoring her.  At any rate it unclear what is going on and where it is happening. I can guess it is the bedroom and Delilah isn't really aware of whats going on, but the clear directness of the other chapters is gone.

No more maybes though, this is straight up S&M erotica.  We have women whipped, tied to bed bleeding and the sexually accosted by somebody else against here will.  If these rape attempts eventually work and Delilah is aroused by and seduced by the Queen than I will say we are in straight up fantasy-porn.  The QUeen still speaks in the very current vernacular spitting out line likes "I am going to rock your world"

The Queen then leaves before she can defile and Delilah and Delilah uses this time to save her identity.  She write down who she is on a picture of her husband and hides it in a music box.  I guessing this foreshadowing also.  Delllah will at some point lose her identity and have to return to this box to find it.  It is nice piece of story telling though, we know the Queen is going to defile Delilah, but she gets a chance to save herself by hiding this piece of paper before it happens. 

 My two other complaints about his chapter:
First, the pacing. Time seems to jump around quite a bit. When is her hand untied?  How long is she in the room. It seems to be a while, but we aren't sure. Maybe Delilah isn't sure either, but we aren't sure about her perception of time either.

And Two "drawer"  really? Not artist , "drawer" not  drafter or anything else really but drawer? 

Strolen:
Awesome axle. That is a great idea!!

Dossta:

--- Quote from: axlerowes on December 04, 2012, 08:57:47 PM ---No more maybes though, this is straight up S&M erotica.  We have women whipped, tied to bed bleeding and the sexually accosted by somebody else against here will.  If these rape attempts eventually work and Delilah is aroused by and seduced by the Queen than I will say we are in straight up fantasy-porn.  The QUeen still speaks in the very current vernacular spitting out line likes "I am going to rock your world"

--- End quote ---

I think there's a reason why this particular piece has received little attention, apart from its length.  Honestly, I know that we have a very open policy towards what is posted on this site, but perhaps we should take the time to establish some guidelines.  This piece of fiction would be of very little use to a gamemaster, has no redeeming qualities as a resource, and has the potential to actually drive people away from the site.  There are places to post this kind of thing on the Internet, but the Citadel is not it.

axlerowes:
Chapter 5:

In this chapter the Queen decides to delay Delilah's rape in part because it is dinner time and in part because governmental duties have turned her off.  We get a good deal of information about the government, justice, society and the Queen's role in it all.  The Queen seems to take the "Kind word and a gun" attitude towards leadership.  She describes how she quelled food riots by both giving into the demands for food and killing the ring leaders.  The riots appeared to be caused by a breakdown of the Queen's welfare state. 

We also a get a bit of geography, there is courtyard directly beneath the queen's window, a gladiatorial arena to the left I believe and large market to the right.  I wonder if these will come in to play later in the story…..

Then we get an interesting view of the Queen's state of mind and some happenings I found hard to believe.  First the Queen sympathizes with the hungry rioters and feel that their behavior was justified.  Yet she still punishes the ring leaders, her view of government is pragmatic not moral.  She is a pure Facist. 

Then Corday enters the square and Delilah sees him.  This apparently unexpected by the Queen but the Queen then says that Corday's survival is something she desired.  Because she worried that Delilah might become "too broken" if Corday died.  When did the Queen make this choice?  Does the Queen actually understand Corday and Delilah's relationship?  It would seem that the Queen would want to engineer this chance sighting of Corday, because she says that a bit of hope will keep Delilah going…presumably until the Queen can break her.  Then the Queen says she doesn't remember what Corday looked like…I don't buy it either the Queen is just talking out of her ass, she is lying and she did engineer Corday's arrival or this a poorly thought out scene.  If the Queen is talking out of her ass we could have a very interesting character here.  Imagine a character that lies and spins facts in order to give off the appearance that she is constant control. 
Example
"I planned to have that waiter  drop that chicken to judge how would punish a servant"

If she lying than she is just toying with Delilah.

If it is poorly written scene than obviously Corday is going to play a role later in the story and perhaps the author needed to 1) justify why the Queen didn't kill him, 2) needed to inform us that he hasn't give up and 3) list some of the barriers Corday must cross to reach Delilah.

Finally we learn that Queen sees reality.  As much as she want to call Delilah Sarah and have this unbroken continuity to the relationship she knows Delilah is not Sarah.  She still treats her as prisoner and refers to her past life (Corday) and to the fact she is being held against her will.

Oh and there is another costume change for Delilah….this is the third detailed outfit change in five short chapters.

About the writing:
The scene could use a little more unpacking.  The Queen still has a style of talking that would by today standards suggest lack of sophistication and eduction.  This is an interesting choice by Cheka but I am not sure it is an effective one. It makes the Queen seem simple and unintelligent. The chapter ends on dull note and the Queen making a crass child like rhyme of the before meal prayer. 

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version