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Author Topic: Re-writing old submissions.  (Read 629 times)

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Offline chilled

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Re-writing old submissions.
« on: June 09, 2012, 08:02:41 AM »
After looking through my old submissions and not really liking the low scores; I want to re-write them all.

I have already done this with the submission Daggers of Torxes, which still needs a few extra bits of explaining yet has been improved enough for now. People have been kind enough to take a new look at it and some have even revoted, my thanks to those that did.

I have put my submissions into 3 categories:

1: Finished.

Legendary Terror
Current Characters

-These two are my latest submissions, freshly written, and so far well received.

2: Need finishing touches.

Diamond of Calcorn
Hiraken the Swordmaster
Daggers of Torxes

-These need some points explaining in more detail. The diamond and the swordmaster need a slight overhaul too.

3: Complete overhaul needed!

The Blade of Chill
Doomfire Blade
Li'vah

These are horrible to look at and reading them gives me a headache. To think I could spew such drivel, but we all start somewhere...

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The first thing I want to do is the complete overhaul of the last three above mentioned submissions.

It is on these three that I would like some help/advice/guidance. I have a rough idea of where I want to take them, but would also like some new ideas.

Take a read through them, list any ideas you might have in this here thread, whatever!

Due credit will be given :)

I know this has been pretty vague and blunt but I didn't know how else to put it.

The floor is yours ladies and gentlemen!
Chilled

Offline Pieh

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Re: Re-writing old submissions.
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2012, 06:39:53 PM »
Let's see if I can help you out. I went ahead and read over The Blade of Chill and have made the following notes on it. I propose a lot of radical changes and my mind wanders pretty far from the original concept, but I hope it helps.

Quote
Weapon Description - Skip the details on the rare metal Morthile, mention it in name and unique coloration/properties. β€œThe blade is forged from morthile, a mythical ore that brings sorrow to anyone who gazes at for too long.”

Morthile's origin is not important to the introduction. A better idea is to catch the audience with an interesting description of the weapon (at least in this case, since the submission is about the weapon). You can also open up with a story fragment on occasion. Make it catch the reader's curiosity so that they read on to know what the real story is.

Give more details to the weapon. Ice blue diamond on the pommel is a good start. Some details on blade length and shape are useful. The hilt/guard area is always good to include as well.
Quote
History – Needs an overhaul/complete rewrite. Honestly, detailing every aspect of how and why a weapon came to be magical/legendary isn't always important. Naming the four Dwarven smiths who did nothing but forge the weapons and the Elf who turned on everyone is much less important that naming the weapon's previous owners.

I'm not sure how to salvage the current content for reuse. I'd hold onto the secret elven metal idea, guarded by the Karhan. Use it as a support to the history.

My idea would be to make the Blade of Chill a part of the world's history. That's where my mind goes with this. High Elves of The North used the Blade of Chill to ward off severe winters. They had a ritual they performed every cold season to their Winter God which spared them from the worst of it.

Then the sword was stolen away. Now The North is a frozen wasteland, if you travel far enough you can find elven structures frozen under thick ice, sometimes with elves included. Nothing has been found capable of chipping the ice, and in this area the Karhan now run wild. Insane beasts that appear only as slashing claws and fangs out of the snow flurries. Of course, very few besides the elves even knew of the Karhan, so they will have a different name to most people.

I'm starting to have idea for a heroic quest around this blade. Retrieve it, bring it to the Unfrozen Altar (a spot eerily barren of ice and snow), make the proper sacrifice.
Quote
Magical Properties – Keep them the same. This new writing becomes less about the blade as a weapon, however a hero would likely have to fight the one who took it.
Cultist Rule #1 - Never summon anything bigger than your head.

Offline chilled

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Re: Re-writing old submissions.
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2012, 05:44:47 AM »
I wanted to change the Blade of Chill quite a lot as well.

I thought of having it as part of a set, sister swords if you like. Its sister being the Doomfire Blade (still in my in work).

Perhaps a list of previous champions, and later owners after its being stolen/vanishing.

I like the part about the frozen north and the sword being used as part of a ritual to keep the worst of winters at bay.
Chilled

Offline Moonlake

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Re: Re-writing old submissions.
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2012, 09:21:07 PM »
I think Pieh has already given sound advices on the new direction to take for the two blades so below I will just talk about the Li'vah and  the Daggers.

Li'vah
On the Li'vah, its current state is not bad in terms of the content. The structure and the write-up, however, is still a bit off-turning. I know you are looking for possible content additions (this will come later, I'm just pointing out what jumps out most at me abt the sub as it is now) more than advice on write-up but I thought it might be useful advice at least to suggest what I think is a more logical way to group content. In the Additional Information section, you're basically describing why Van Torxus created them, how he's using them and what they are doing in the game world but suddenly in the last paragraph, the reader is taken from the game world back into reality where you describe how these creatures can be used in a plot hook. I think it makes more sense for this plot hook paragraph to go by itself under a Roleplaying Use/Plot Hook header. I also suggest that this Plot Hook paragraph be moved to the end after the Magical Abilities.

Now, new idea for the Li'vah, I think a logical place to expand in terms of content is to describe what type of life the Li'vah want for themselves (i.e. do they just want freedom for themselves and they would go onto a peaceful life and be quite harmless to PCs when freed or have they somehow been corrupted by the mindset of their master and now they are bloodthirsty and if released, could be a new type of monster the PCs need to bash up?). Currently, I think I'm getting vibes of the former but I'm not sure. What I'm thinking is either way, you could say they are raiding the villages for their own ulterior motives besides and in addition to why Van Torxes tells them to (I think Manfred already suggested for a previous version of this sub that if the Li'vah just want freedom, they could be raiding to build up resources that support attempts for a revolt. My addition/new spin based on the current version of this sub would be that given that the Li'vah are so in fear of their master, they are not really planning a revolt but couldn't resist piling up resources in the hopes that there might be one eventually). Overall, I think expanding on this aspect, while not able to take it off to any new direction or creating a radical make-up to the sub (personally I don't think this sub needs as complete an overhaul in terms of content as the swords), would give more "life" to the Li'vah whereas currently, the Li'vah are simply written as an attach-on to Van Torxes.

For the daggers, I have the following comments:
1. One aspect that has been questioned by previous comments is the logic of how the daggers were successfully passed onto the conspirators from Van Torxes. This has not been clearly addressed in the current version.  You say the daggers are presented as gifts of tribute to the King and the conspirators but are they presented these daggers as a parting gift from Van Torxes or did Van Torxes 'dress up' the daggers as a gift from someone else? Logic would indicate that it is the latter case but as the current sub stands, this is not clear. Also, the sentence "They would pass as gifts from his country of exile" seems weird, I take it to mean that the daggers were presented as gifts to the country who exiled him but still the expression just seems strange to me. One somewhat related pt is that I think one property that should be added to the daggers is that the recipients become attached to these daggers very quickly. Maybe this is implicit in the way you think abt the daggers but this is an 'unexplored aspect' in the current version. The reason I'm raising this pt is b/c I think the daggers might be too powerful if you don't consider the possibility that the recipients don't really care for daggers (even well crafted ones) and might put the daggers into "a corner of the spare storage" where it collects dust. Alternatively, you might say the daggers are auto-relocate themselves so it is always in proximity to the recipients (might hide itself under piles of documents in a cabinet located in the recipients' "office"). Personally, I  like the auto-relocation aspect better.

2. This point has already been raised by Forganthus which is how the purpose of creating these daggers relate to the summoning of the Death God. If you really want to keep this aspect, then I could propose some ideas for this link (but I don't know whether that's the direction you want to take it) in the following way:
- being an elf, Van Torxes do not have any magic on his repertoire to exert revenge (subtly) and the only way is to gain this capability is to utilise death magic. To be able to utilise death magic, the only way open to him is to communicate with the Death God who will sanction the use of death magic for him/alter his body so that he can now cast death magic. And the price of this is a pact he made with the Death God to summon him into the physical realm.
First of all, this whole line of content sounds cliche even to myself. Furthermore, this would then mean you should in the sub somehow mention (even just briefly) that the magic system you are thinking is that there are set types of magic and not everyone can use every type of magic etc. Personally, I think this would just complicate the sub needlessly and I would just forget abt the Death God part but that's just me.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2012, 06:28:10 PM by Moonlake »

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