Author Topic: The Great Old Ones v.s. Microsoft  (Read 3292 times)

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Offline CaptainPenguin

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The Great Old Ones v.s. Microsoft
« on: June 23, 2003, 05:28:34 PM »
To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.  
From:  Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.


Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your
recent product entitled Windows '95.  Therefore We now give you
statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft
by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent
all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised
"look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

- Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;

- No man can be in it's presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;

- A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;

- Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit:  pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos,
burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the
blood of Alien Gods);

- Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed
to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available
at a terrible cost to the user.

- The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world,
and force all who dwell there to live in eternal d**nation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider
that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles
for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of
court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend
the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a
maximum security psychiatric hospital.  After all, it was the Lords of
the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

pp.  J.  Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
Currently Reading: "Kafka On The Shore" by Haruki Murakami

Currently Listening To: "Piece Of Time" by Atheist

Offline MoonHunter

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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2003, 03:33:32 AM »
I am amused. The problem is, Microsoft will pay off the judge and they will win the case.
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The Great Old Ones v.s. Microsoft
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2003, 11:26:53 AM »
Nah. The Old Ones will just eat the judges and jury if they rule in Microsoft's favor.

Offline Almatari

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The Great Old Ones v.s. Microsoft
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2003, 12:11:57 PM »
That is funny! :lol:
A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He is now dead.

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Offline Ria Hawk

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The Great Old Ones v.s. Microsoft
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2003, 08:47:34 PM »
Channel 6 Special Report
Reported by Merrinjal Atmos

In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Microsoft Corporation in the lawsuit The Great Old Ones vs. Microsoft.  The Great Old Ones were suing for damages related to copyright infringement.  The Microsoft lawyers had filed a countersuit for the exact same reason.  Said a spokesman for the software company, "The image that the Great Old Ones are trying to project is an anathema to Microsoft's image of a family-friendly company.  We're only trying to rectify this."  The Microsoft Corporation was awarded an unspecified amount.  The Great Old Ones have said that they will appeal the decision.  Said a spokesthing for TGOO, "We never suspected that the Microsoft lawyers were soulless abominations like us.  This complicates matters.  But we are confident that the judges can be... persuaded to see things our way.  Their sanity is a small price to pay for justice."
This is Merrinjal Atmos, reporting from Washington, D.C. for Channel 6 News.
Sometimes angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die.

Regina Raptorum, Benevolent Mad Scientist, Writer of Psychos, Guild Mistress of Esoteric Lore, Losers' Club Alumna, and Authentic Wacko