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Author Topic: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)  (Read 2389 times)

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Offline Cheka Man

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Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« on: December 29, 2006, 05:11:16 PM »
Genuine Letters to The Council

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing on it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat. Would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

Offline Pariah

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Re: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2006, 07:15:10 PM »
Do people just not read what they've put on the letters or what?
One can cure oneself of the not un- formation by memorizing this sentence: A not unblack dog was chasing a not unsmall rabbit across a not ungreen field.  Orwell

Offline Ria Hawk

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Re: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2006, 07:32:44 PM »
The wonder of it all...
Sometimes angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die.

Regina Raptorum, Benevolent Mad Scientist, Writer of Psychos, Guild Mistress of Esoteric Lore, Losers' Club Alumna, and Authentic Wacko

Offline Chaosmark

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Re: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2006, 07:58:27 PM »
Pathetically enough, most people say stupid things like that, then wonder why I bust up laughing. 'tis amusing to be surrounded by classmates who're supposed to be the 'smart kids', because they're so used to speaking whatever and having everyone agree with it that they just say whatever. Dee-da-dee!
P(A|B) = P(B|A)*P(A)/P(B)

By the power of Bayes!

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STR: 1 | END: 2 | CON: 3 | DEX: 3 | CHA: 3 | INT: 3

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Offline LithTheBlade

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Re: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2006, 03:34:36 AM »
Well, those are pretty bad, but the stuff my friends say(90% are dope addicts, I keep them out of handcuffs) is just plain sad. Such as "Hey, whats this white sticky gunk in your hair?" and it happened to be a very small patch of gum.
"Try to kill me, I'll be laughing," Celak

"You want to know who I am? Or WHAT I am? There is a huge difference," Kui

"Assassinate the assassin, then shoot the plane down!" Saul

"I once ate a skinned cat. It's owner didn't like me much after that," Dave

"Nymphs! OH MY MASTER NYMPHS!" Stev

Offline Murometz

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Re: Genuine Letters to The Council (very funny)
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2007, 04:19:14 PM »
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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Ah, how I have come to love that sense of accomplishment and victory that I get when I pull the wool over the eyes of a clever player character. What DM Triumphs have you had?

Some of mine:
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2. Finally achieving a TPK (Total Party Kill)
3. Finally achieving a TPK using only traps
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